To think that this should be the norm...

[JackmanAdmirer]

We plan to set our DC up for their adult life, we plan to help pay for them at uni if they go, or an apprenticeship, any education they want to do really and classes and skills such as musical instruments, sports, languages etc whilst growing up, we plan to pay for driving lessons and buy their first cars, we plan to pay at least half of their weddings, we plan on helping them with a deposit to buy a house in their early 20's.

We see this as helping our kids when they need it most - however there will be no money for them (except funeral expenses) when we die.
Generally speaking, people who lose their parents are middle aged and comfortable enough so don't need the money.

People keep saying this is spoiling our dc but I don't see that at all, I see it as setting them up for a good life without the huge crippling money worries that both DH and I went through in our 20's and early 30's.

Aibu that this really should be the normal way of providing for your kids instead of leaving them money when you die?

Should 'be the norm'?

Er.... why? Cos you say so?

Surely everyone believes in supporting their children to the best of their ability
reading this forum, there's a surprising amount of people who don't!

Yanbu to think giving your dc quite that much should be normal. If your dc get that then they should recognise that they're fortunate rather than have the expectation that this is normal and what all parents are meant to do for their dc.

I agree with you that I'd rather help my children while I'm alive and while they need it most instead of when I die, by which time they could be in their sixties or seventies. It makes no sense to give it to the tax man and just let them have what's left over when they're too old to really need it.

OP is your mortgage due to be paid off soon? Are your debts paid off?Are your pensions maxed out?

I am taking it that you mean that if you can afford to help DC now, rather than leaving them a lump sum when you die, then why wouldn't you ... and if this is the case then yes, I agree with you. Obviously any good parent will do the best for their DC regardless of whether it's money, time spent with them, advice, etc ... my DSis went through a rough patch a couple of years ago: my DParents have always maintained that their savings will go to their GC (their choice, I know) and I always thought that they could have helped her out a bit more - even if it had just been a loan. They seem fixated on leaving something after they have gone.

OP we have done some of that but not all.
We have helped all 3 DDs through uni and paid towards DD1"s wedding. We have also helped out with DD2"s rent on her flat after uni . We just paid one month when she was struggling.
But we wouldn't pay for driving lessons or buy their first car. We also wouldn't be able to pay a deposit on a house.

I don't. I think it does them no favours and those are the children who end up in piles of debt from living outside their means. Kids who have to work to afford driving lessons etc will value that car all the more when they get it and it teaches them the value of money. Living off the bank of mum and dad doesn't.

I think struggling with money is a rite of passage that sets you up for later life.

However, if you can then maybe pay for one of those things - the car or help towards a house deposit etc - then i’m sure it would be hugely appreciated. More so than if they’ve never had to do without.

You risk raising complacent adults who don't understand the importance of earning and saving their own money.

This is the flip side. I too have seen the children of older friends turn into dreadful leeches, unable to support themselves properly but feeling entitled to a certain lifestyle financed by mum and dad. I think it depends how you do it. You have a child who would like to buy a house, can afford to service the mortgage but just can't save the deposit? Not unreasonable to help with the deposit if your finances allow.

You can afford to pay for university? Education helps them to help themselves. Again, not a bad thing.

But "I'll buy you a car"? Or "I'll pay for your wedding"? Possibly a step too far. There is definitely a value in becoming an adult who can save and buy things for yourself.

treeofhearts
it depends what your children do. When they are studying and doing some unpaid work on the side to support their study and gain experience relevant to their qualification, it doesn't spoil them. It's helping them. If they need to do an unpaid internship, which will help them be set up for life (more or less), then it's worth helping. Having a low paid unrelated job will not benefit anyone

If one of my kid decide to become a beach bum, I wouldn't pay for a lifetime of holidays however!

Sure, if you are rich, that should be the norm.
Most people are not rich, though.

The money we'd hoped would get our children on the housing ladder will in all likelihood end up supporting our pensions instead.
We paid for our own weddings, got tens of thousands in student debt and cobbled together our own housing deposit. What I really hope to do is support our children in doing that for themselves too.

My Mom lives pay check to pay check, has no savings and has lots of debt.
It would have been nice to have had all the help you described, a lot of us have got no chance.
I don't have anything off her now, nor will I inherit anything except debt. (Someone will have to pay the funeral expenses.)
I imagine there are a lot of people who aren't in the position to provide anything at all for their adult children.

Please tell your children that you plan to disinherit them or you risk causing massive upset when you die.

Part of me agrees but tbh it's not allowing them to see the 'real world'. If my parents had paid for all these things for me and then I went on to live the way I do now I'd be fucked tbh, I wouldn't know what it's like to not be able to afford food - which doesn't happen now but I lived a year in the shittest flat with no money. I think kids do need to learn to financially support themselves.
If my parents died when I was older and I got inheritance I feel that would actually be very helpful as I would already know these things? Idk I think if I got a lump of money when I was 18 I would have spent it all but if I get it at 40 I might pay off my mortgage?

Not having someone to bail you out is what I mean I guess.

I do mean generally speaking, obviously if you can afford to then do but if not then don't.

Neither makes anyone a bad parent!

I just mean the people who save in order to leave something behind seems just a crazy way to do things.

We plan to use our house like a savings - overpay into it for 15 years until dc are older and then remortgage to pay for what we need. The house will be sold when we retire for extra money to live on as well as our pensions so there will be living expenses if we had to go in a home.

I look at it like this - I'd like to be able to help my children to do anything that they want.....but I don't want them to think that we will help them to do nothing.

There's also an element of taking responsibility for the pros and cons of your own choices. The friends I referred to upthread have a son in his 30s, who is still reliant on them for handouts. He's very full of it when you talk to him - "who'd want to spend their time working 14 hour days for a bank?". Which is fine. Most people don't. But the flip side of his wanting to explore his creativity is that he can't afford to buy a house in London like the mates he sneers at (who almost certainly don't enjoy their 14 hour days, but do it for the money), bitches about it constantly and expects his mum and dad to bail him out all the time.

Laudable but I’m intrigued as to how you are going to forward load of your wealth - most people spend what they have when the have it, and just happen to have more at the end of their lives.

Are you just going to borrow to the hilt and hope you can pay it off?

In an ideal world yes. But hardly anyone's world is ideal.

I don't know anyone who is saving in order to leave their DC a huge inheritance though.

And like I said upthread nobody has a crystal ball and finances can take a turn at any point.

Please tell your children that you plan to disinherit them or you risk causing massive upset when you die.

I don't think spending your money on your children whilst you are alive does qualify as disinheriting them

Humble brag?

It’s called giving with a warm hand instead of a cold one!!
If you can afford it I don’t get why any parent wouldn’t do it!!
I’ve just bought my 17 year old his own flat, I can afford it, why wouldn’t I??