To think that this should be the norm...

[JackmanAdmirer]

We plan to set our DC up for their adult life, we plan to help pay for them at uni if they go, or an apprenticeship, any education they want to do really and classes and skills such as musical instruments, sports, languages etc whilst growing up, we plan to pay for driving lessons and buy their first cars, we plan to pay at least half of their weddings, we plan on helping them with a deposit to buy a house in their early 20's.

We see this as helping our kids when they need it most - however there will be no money for them (except funeral expenses) when we die.
Generally speaking, people who lose their parents are middle aged and comfortable enough so don't need the money.

People keep saying this is spoiling our dc but I don't see that at all, I see it as setting them up for a good life without the huge crippling money worries that both DH and I went through in our 20's and early 30's.

Aibu that this really should be the normal way of providing for your kids instead of leaving them money when you die?

My parents did this for me and I will do it for my own children. YANBU but you will get flamed on here as not everyone will be able to afford it and it comes across as goady and look at me and what i can do for my kids

YearofYouRemember yeah it does a bit doesn't it.
Make sure you quote is in context, OP!

Op your plan also makes sense in that it A) minimizes your tax. And B) minimizes your savings by the time you retire so your care will be funded.

So it works for everyone

Aki99 it's a shame though isn't it. My parents are both solidly blue collar, and they scrimped and saved to pay tuition fees for me and my brother.
I remember getting my school shoes for christmas, we were definitely bones of our arse poor growing up. You don't need to be a rich twat to want to pay for some things for your adult children.

Maybe people think that by you paying for absolutely everything your kids might want means that they won't develop a work ethic or drive to succeed on their own.

Not everyone has the money when they're kids are that age to do that. But I think if you do, yes, it's a wise approach to take. My mum and stepdad are quite comfortable financially (we didn't grow up with money, but stepdad is quite well off with a very good job). When I have been on maternity leave, they have often given us small gifts of money. They've helped to pay for our travel to visit them (they live overseas, it would be very expensive for all of us to travel to see them regularly and we wouldn't be able to do it). And when we buy a house, they plan to give us a bit of money towards that (in part, so we can find a house with a granny annex for them when they're older in case they need it). But we've also been very smart about saving our own money and investing it wisely so we are comfortable ourselves without too much help from them. We don't need it, but appreciate it. My mum's philosophy is exactly yours. She got herself into a lot of debt when she was younger (as a single mum with little support from my dad) and now that she is comfortable, she says she wants to give us what money she would leave us when they die now so she knows we aren't stressing about money, particularly when they do die. Realistically, I'll be their carer and the only person who can manage their affairs when they do pass. My stepdad doesn't really have family who will step in to do it (he does have two grown daughters, but they aren't especially close). I'm an only child and there will be considerable expenses involved in caring for them and sorting out their affairs as they live overseas. I think they probably want to know they won't be burdening us financially when they do die if they make sure we aren't drowning in debt now. Obviously, though it's not a massive amount of money they have given us (though to pay for the annex to the house will be), I also realise they (we) are in an incredibly privileged position to do that and that's not the case for most people frankly.

so what if it ends up in the paper, so many random threads do anyway

Professionally, I have dealt with a few post grad placements, internships and first jobbers. I can't honestly say that anyone having a McDonald reference on their cv was helped by it in any shape or form. I am sure some people will see it as a plus, but in the area I worked, employers were more interested by something relevant, or even more "dynamic" than a part-time job in a fast food chain or in a supermarket.

Of course it never hurt to have a job as such, but it is a negative if your competitors have a better CV, so I would rather help my children to do something with a better outcome for them, if I can.

BiologyMatters, yes I think there's some truth in that.
I remember when I started working, after paying all my bills I had just £20 to live on for the week. This was in the 90s but even so, it was a pretty no frills life. Learned a great deal! (and ate a lot of toast...)

I am assuming that the "huge crippling money worries" you went through in your twenties and early thirties are now a thing of the past. You have come through them and are now financially comfortable if not secure. To be honest, most of us went through financial straits at that age! You are starting out, not wonderfully paid, maybe renting and trying to save....

It is part of life's experience, and while I appreciate that some people never get beyond it for a variety of reasons those who are ambitious, hard working, have taken advantage of educational opportunities, do not have health issues which make pursuing their goals more difficult do eventually come out from under the financial cloud just as you did. And generally have a better appreciation of the value of hard work. don't deny your kids that opportunity to achieve by their own effort, and by the same token don't deny yourself to enjoy the financial benefits of your own hard work. Give them a little help, but don't hand them everything on a plate.

we plan to pay at least half of their weddings

I can't understand why parents pay for their children to have a party that costs thousands of pounds, marriage costs about £50. It's kind of weird.

As for OP I don't think there is a right way or wrong way, though people I know who have had similar from parents were not the type to be set up by middle age as they couldn't really do anything for themselves.

Personally think there should be a balance otherwise kids might grow up to expect everything in life to be given to them even when they are adults. My sister is like this and is so shit with money it's awful, even if you gave her a million pounds tomorrow she'd be back next week 'needing' more.

We intend to teach our kids about earning & saving for the things they need and want and are already doing that when they are young. That doesn't mean that I won't help them on the way but I also won't necessarily give them everything on a plate so they learn about the value of things and the realities of life.

I'm not sure that I'd do all those things (some yes, but all no). I'm not really sure what would be driving my kids to get off their arses if I did, or more significantly, if they'd feel fully adult while being financially supported. I think the biggest issue I'd have is whether your kids know this in advance and are banking on never needing to push themselves or save to fund the major financial commitments of their lives ... mummy and daddy will take care of that.

I wonder if it is over-compensation for the difficulties you experienced? And also whether you run the risk of finding yourselves in difficulty given the impossibility of reading the future? Surely serious long-term illness, care requirements and changes to funding of care of the elderly, living into your 100s, changes in markets (from shares to property), changes in legislation ... there's a lot you can't really predict. I presume that's why people like having a "just in case" nest egg if possible, rather than giving everything away in advance of their death. I'd be really uncomfortable doing that, which is a completely different issue as to whether I think it would be good for my kids.

As for whether it is normal ... well not really. It can only be an option for a sub-set of the population.

How old are your kids now?

No, it should not be the norm. Your children are going to be smug little snowflakes who never had to work for anything, who won't understand the value of what they have, and will probably as rude and patronising as you are, OP.

I think that your strategy is too risky. What happens if you have an accident and can't work? Or need an op and the NHS waiting list is too long?
It's increasingly common to marry more than once and I think that saving for a wedding gets conversations about finances started and financial compatibility is important.

If you're children are comfortable why not give your inheritance to grandchildren instead?

I second scramwich. Expensive (relative to income) weddings are weird and a bit common tbf. You should only spend as much on a wedding as you would on a really good party. Most people pay way more than they can afford and it reflects badly on them (not to mention their decision making skills).

You don't know when you'll die though. I was in my twenties when my mum died and I was skint. My ex husbands mum died when he was in his twenties as well. He walked with a hole on the bottom of his nice shoes because we couldn't afford new ones. You can't really plan which age you'll die. If you are financially well off it's best to leave a few thousand for the expenses and taxes. Why would you make it harder for your children when you don't have to?

op shit.... we've all been doing it so wrong!! Half of mumsnet has not done this, we are all shit parents. Thank god you came along to make everyone feel inadequate and failures!

Everyone.... you need to re-mortgage when they are 18 to pay for your kids 'journey into adulthood'

I am guessing that taskmaster didn't get much financial help from her family to pay her deposit or other necessities!

To reply to another comment I can't understand why parents pay for their children to have a party that costs thousands of pounds well, because they can afford to and it's a gift?
Weddings are a big tradition and a happy one in many families, if you can afford to have a lovely day, why wouldn't you. Life is short, I wouldn't go into debt for a wedding, but I had no regret on spending quite a lot on mine. I don't think I'll host a party for most of my family and friends more than 2 or 3 times in my life, if that, so I am very happy I had a lovely wedding. You don't have to, but what's wrong with having one.

You could say the same for everything, we don't need luxury holidays, luxury food, more bedrooms than you have family members. It would be grim if we only survive and spend the strict minimum on absolute necessities.

The only way I can help my DS is when I die. I don't have any money in the meantime, but I'm insured to the hilt. (But I can help him even more by staying alive, as money isn't everything!)

Why has everybody got to do what you do? Who put you in charge? Most people will support their children as far as they are financially able. Doesn't mean you have to buy them a car and a house.

I would love to provide a little fund for my DC to help them along when they reach adulthood and provide them with some financial security to start their careers or even when they are ready to settle down. Not possible at the moment, I barely have enough to cover our daily needs but hopefully the situation will change at some point.

Giving away a lot of your money in retirement could cause problems when it comes to paying for nursing care - if the state can prove you willingly impoverished yourself. They can chase your kids for the money.

We have told our kids they are getting nothing - we will be downsizing our house and living it up in retirement - the truth is we have money squirrelled away, that we might give them, depending on circumstances, for all the things the OP mentioned...but at the moment they are working their little butts off because they feel responsible for their own futures.

Don't get me started on relative who hoard money to give away a massive sum at the end.....enjoy life, spend it all!

it made sense when getting married was the most you could hope for your daughter in life, but nowadays it's seems very strange for parents to be so invested in their child's love life that they'd spend thousand to celebrate them bagging a partner. Deposit on a house, a car, any number of things more important than getting to wear a frilly dress.

Spend your money on your kids while you can. Especially if it means they save on interest by not having to borrow. No point leaving it for inheritance as the government will do their best to take it e.g. care home fees.

Op your plan also makes sense in that it A) minimizes your tax. And B) minimizes your savings by the time you retire so your care will be funded.

So it works for everyone

I would suggest, Kursk, that it doesn't work for the people who had no help growing up, but who will end up paying for the OP's care, which could have been paid for by the OP herself, had she not feather-bedded her own children. This hardly seems fair.