To think that this should be the norm...

[JackmanAdmirer]

We plan to set our DC up for their adult life, we plan to help pay for them at uni if they go, or an apprenticeship, any education they want to do really and classes and skills such as musical instruments, sports, languages etc whilst growing up, we plan to pay for driving lessons and buy their first cars, we plan to pay at least half of their weddings, we plan on helping them with a deposit to buy a house in their early 20's.

We see this as helping our kids when they need it most - however there will be no money for them (except funeral expenses) when we die.
Generally speaking, people who lose their parents are middle aged and comfortable enough so don't need the money.

People keep saying this is spoiling our dc but I don't see that at all, I see it as setting them up for a good life without the huge crippling money worries that both DH and I went through in our 20's and early 30's.

Aibu that this really should be the normal way of providing for your kids instead of leaving them money when you die?

My only asset is property - mortgage will be paid off when I’m 65
I help my adult DC in many ways but as a lone parent cannot imagine your idea of the norm
I also think your idea of selling your house on retirement a bit odd unless you expect not to live for long
DF is 92 and still living in his own home without any need of care other than DM, myself and DB I think any assets would have been used up a long time ago!

@Sarahjconnor
We plan to remortgage when DC are around 18/21 so we have money to pay for the things we want for them but then we will have 20 years mortgage to pay when we're in our early 50's... we will SELL the house when we retire and rent somewhere smaller and easier to maintain and use both our pensions and the money from selling to live into retirement.

If you can afford it and want to help them financially, then why wouldn't you? If you can't afford it, then that's fine too. You decide what you do with your own money, but you can't say that that's the norm, when most people's parents probably don't provide everything for them. They would be lucky to have financial help from you.

We have done the things you mention OP. But it is beyond the financial means of most people to do so.

I can see you want to do a lot for your children.
But sometimes life and what you want don't work the same way.

Unless your children really like music, it's just a hobby, lessons don't change that, very few become famous from it.
When you say your going to buy them the cars, if they don't have jobs will you pay the insurance as well, and the petrol?
Memories are what children need, to do all you want you will be always working, and have a few hours at night if your lucky to spend with the children, to remortgage, when you could be slowing down and doing more seems fine now, but you could be ill and change the way things go, by setting up these goals you could be storing up heartache for feeling you have failed.

We plan to use our house like a savings - overpay into it for 15 years until dc are older and then remortgage to pay for what we need. The house will be sold when we retire for extra money to live on as well as our pensions so there will be living expenses if we had to go in a home.

So basically you do not have the funds to do it. You still have a mortgage. Then no home, no pension and no savings to live off?

I wouldn't want to be forced into renting when I retire. That's the time for mortgage free enjoyment of retirement. It depends on if you're figures balance. You must have a very expensive house to release equity on, for that to be really feasible.

My thoughts are you are assuming that you will a) Stay together, b) Remain in continuous employment c) Remain healthy d) House prices/economic situations in the wider world remain the same.

Personally I feel that if young people have no reason to work, why should they? My DC had weekend/holiday jobs from their early teens and now have wonderful work ethics. The one who was given slightly more as she was the youngest and I had more disposable income has the "worst" work ethic, but still in comparison with many works hard for what she wants.

You don't say how old your DC are -if they are young then teenage years could turn the whole thing on its head! It's good to have vague long distant plans, but do not set these in stone as you may be sadly very disillusioned. There's a good reason why often the very rich don't hand over large amounts of cash to their offspring!

I think this is perhaps the ideal, but unfortunately, for many of us, it cannot be the norm.

This was the norm amongst a lot of our friends. Most had their university paid for, weddings funded and then wee gifted generous deposits for houses. Several also have ‘interest-free mortgages’ from Parents or grandparents, which inevitable only runjntil the death of he loaner. Now, in our 30s, these friends all have comfortable lives, large houses and plenty of disposable income.

We would love to do for our children, but we doubt we’ll have he option. Neither mine, nor DPs parents have much, and certainly weren’t able to help us early on. DH now earns a very good salary, but we will never be as comfortable as our friends who had a good leg-up. Our ability to provide a leg-up for our children is, therefore, also more limited than that of or peers who had more affluent relatives.

If you can afford all this then that’s great, but a majority of families can’t afford all this. I don’t think you can say it “should” be the norm, I don’t see why there has to be a norm. People just have different values and are in different financial situations. Most people I know contribute as much as they can without it causing them or the rest of their families to suffer, for some that’s very little and for some it’s a lot. Also my DH and I earn significantly more than his parents ever earnt, so wouldn’t want to accept such generosity, because they need the money more than us.

Rent for a year, min £800, or £1000 for a bigger.
That's £7200 to £12000 a year rent.
If you live 25 years. £180k to £300k on rent.

Not forgetting your home would have increased in value and cost you nothing to live in.

Will you really be able to afford this, unless you have an inheritance...
where as if you didn't have to pay out this money a year you could do lots.

This is the norm where I come from-that is to say among affluent (or at least came from affluent backgrounds) and well educated people. Our kind also make a point of not using the state to subsidise our life styles paying for everything out of pocket like school fees or through insurance like health care. Those who had the misfortune to be unable to afford it all did as much as they could for as long as they could usually by digging themselves into a ton of debt that took decades to pay off. It's called taking responsibility for your reproductive choices.

This didn't spoil children or make th entitled. The very opposite. Their parents provided an example of hard work and financial responsibility. Many children started contributing to their own upbringing financially from a young age actively seeking out, applying for and, winning scholarships. They were all aware of the sacrifices their parents made and worked hard to justify them. Most have gone on to have professional careers or at the very least married well. In absence of instances of abuse, these adult children prioritised help By their parents financially as they were now the main earners. This is very much the norm in communities that haven't been poisoned by the entitlement created by the welfare state. I have never heard an educated migrant suggest that others should pay for their child's upbringing. That is a very western concept.

Sarahjconnor why have you described equity release schemes as a rip off? Genuine question. They can work very well for someone who has a lot of money tied up in their house but is struggling to meet day to day expenses.

OP, I think there’s something in what you are saying actually. My parents will leave me and my brother a reasonable amount when they die (unless it’s been used up paying for care homes), by which time we won’t really need it.

BUT it may come at around the right time for our DC as they’re likely to be around the age to need uni fees / house deposits. So it may work out for us by skipping a generation.

I think it is fine to help children in practical & financial ways, but not to lead them to expect such help - they need to learn to be independent & actually become independent.

I had a couple of friends at university who were hopeless with money, because their parents just sent them a cheque if they went overdrawn. They remained hopeless & quite feckless as adults.

My parents didn't have the money to bail me out anyway - even if they had, I would not have asked & they would not have offered, unless I was in real difficulties - even then, it would have been arranged as an interest-free loan.

Our DD asked us the other day how would she be able to afford to buy a house, she’s 6.

If house prices etc continue to rise exponentially and the salary rates more or less stagnate, I can’t see how she’ll be able to afford to either.

We’re going to do what we can to give her as much of a leg up as we can, but we can afford to do so without having to sell property, as we need to be financially secure enough to be able to pay care fees (should we need to) without impacting our DD.

Personally I feel that if young people have no reason to work, why should they?

but that only applies if people have a trust fund allowing them not to work. If you pay the deposit for your children's first home, they still need a job to get a mortgage in the first place, and a job to keep paying the bills every month. If you don't help them, they just waste money in rent.

It's even easier in a way with teenagers: they do nothing at school, you don't pay for anything. They do very well, you help them out. They chose not to work in the local supermarket but go working for free at the weekend (helping to coach a sport team for example), you still give them pocket money

it doesn't make people lazy to support them when you can. You can pay for all the uni fees, but leave them to deal with the daily cost and so on.

OP I think Tax - wise, it’s certainly the most efficient way to do it.

I think your strategy is a possibly a bit naive/optimistic/high risk in relation to your financial security in later life.

I also think you risk being bank of mum and dad and not in a good way. There's a balance between that and being controlling too. Will your input come with no strings and expectations?

This has newspaper article written all over it.

Woah mummmy2017 - where are you renting? Before we bought we used to rent a big 2 bed house for £400 a month! We are in the north though.

OP, I had this exact discussion with my boss who has 2 university aged sons. She is minted.
She gives them a living allowance while they're studying but they were still expected to take out student loans, and do their own budgeting.
I told her that, like you, I was saving now to pay for their tertiary tuition so they wouldn't start their careers with a debt, and she looked at me like I had 2 heads.
Her view is that you need to feel a bit of a pinch when you're young so you understand the need to work and live within means from a young age. I suspect in practice she partly funds quite a lot of their lifestyle, but it did seem to make sense to me, that young people need to experience a bit of that "wolf at the door" to develop some discipline and work ethic.
Time will tell, I guess. We have a big house in zone 2 London so I doubt they'll be moving out anytime soon!

My DC is 15, has a particular skill which I have helped them to acquire, and is better able to earn money than I am.
Leaving that aside, many many people don't have enough money to pay for these things, so your saying it should be "the norm" just makes you sound like a rich ignorant idiot. Even if you do have money, what you suggest is over the top in my view. Let them learn to stand on their own feet.

It's really interesting to hear everyone's opinions and a few good points have been raised!