To think that this should be the norm...

[JackmanAdmirer]

We plan to set our DC up for their adult life, we plan to help pay for them at uni if they go, or an apprenticeship, any education they want to do really and classes and skills such as musical instruments, sports, languages etc whilst growing up, we plan to pay for driving lessons and buy their first cars, we plan to pay at least half of their weddings, we plan on helping them with a deposit to buy a house in their early 20's.

We see this as helping our kids when they need it most - however there will be no money for them (except funeral expenses) when we die.
Generally speaking, people who lose their parents are middle aged and comfortable enough so don't need the money.

People keep saying this is spoiling our dc but I don't see that at all, I see it as setting them up for a good life without the huge crippling money worries that both DH and I went through in our 20's and early 30's.

Aibu that this really should be the normal way of providing for your kids instead of leaving them money when you die?

So you will raise your children expecting everything to be handed to them on a plate? No lessons of self reliance or responsibility, no work ethic? How will they cope when you're no longer here to give them what they want?

What happens if you need sheltered accommodation or a nursing home in your old age? I suppose the council will pay for you to go into a home likely smelling of cabbage and urine - will you be ok with that? Doubt your children will pay up, they will have been raised to take, not to give.

What you’re doing is amazing op, and is what my DH and I aspire to doing. We sadly aren’t in a position to start doing much about this now, but endeavour to do so as soon as possible.

In my DH’s culture, and certainly in his family, this seems to be very much the norm, and I wish it was a more widespread value/belief.

I didn’t go without any material posessions or love whilst growing up. My parents have never been big savers, but they always had a fair amount of money to spend on holidays, possessions, home improvements, eating in restaurants etc. They were always highly supportive of my education whilst it was free, but then I was left to take out loans to fully cover the costs of my tuition fees at college and university. I also had to take out a maintenance loan, and chose to take a part time job. I didn’t receive any financial assistance paying any of it back, and they seemed really resentful to contribute any money towards my wedding. Although I was young when I got married, I paid for the vast majority of it myself. I didn’t receive 1p towards my deposit on my flat that I own with my DH, whilst my FIL gave an enormous contribution. My MIL who was only in receipt of a basic state pension at the time managed to give us £2,500 to assist with legal fees.

I find it shocking that they didn’t even give us, or loan us a small amount.

We are in a really difficult financial position at the moment, and I know for a fact that my Mum could afford to lend us a particular sum of money that could transform some incredibly important things in our lives (more importantly for our DD and DD to be), but despite asking and almost begging, I’ve received nothing. It’s a loan that I’ve asked for, and she doesn’t need the money now (she’s told me many times in a bragging way). I think it’s very selfish, and I wouldn’t dream of acting like this. I’ve never done anything to let them down, and I’m an only child, so they don’t have anyone else who may need help.

My DH gets on with my parents, but finds their attitudes towards money and not helping us, as completely unreasonable and alien. Unfortunately, his family are no longer in a position to assist us, otherwise the money would be in my DH’s account tomorrow.

I think learning to be as independent as you possibly can be, is really important.

Helping fund clubs in primary school is a given, if you can afford it.

As to the rest, if my grown up child was slacking because of the knowledge that they don't need to work to get on in life, then I think this is detrimental to your DC.

If you have the money, I wouldn't tell them of your plan, who would work towards something if they didn't have too? but be prepared to step in if they're trying hard but struggling.

As for wedding's and mortgage deposits, again, I wouldn't tell them up front.

This is my personal opinion, you're free to do whatever you like with your money.

more important than getting to wear a frilly dress.

that's a very sad way to think of a wedding day, but each to their own.

hat's a very sad way to think of a wedding day, but each to their own.

I think it's sad some people see a wedding as more important than the marriage. But each to their own.

I didn’t receive 1p towards my deposit on my flat that I own with my DH, whilst my FIL gave an enormous contribution. My MIL who was only in receipt of a basic state pension at the time managed to give us £2,500 to assist with legal fees.

And yet you still took the 2500 pounds from her? Why should your parents have helped with your deposit?

I can see how this is a good idea if you are exactly how you describe in your OP.
We too will help out our 3 however we can, but haven't got the funds for uni and house deposits.
We have saved little bits for each child to give to them when they are 18.
Two have been there, had their money which went on driving lessons, test, and first banger.
After this they were on their own and have managed fine.

I don't think your scenario could possibly be the norm as it isn't normal to be able to afford these things for your adult offspring.

They will never learn the value of money or to look after things and appreciate them if everything is provided.

I think it's sad some people see a wedding as more important than the marriage.
where did I say that? You can have a fantastic wedding day and a very happy marriage. Without weddings, the only time most families would get together would be funerals. It's the perfect occasion to celebrate and have a big party, how can that have any impact on a relationship?

Going into debt to throw a wedding to impress the neighbours is off, but what's wrong with spending money you have to have a good time.

If parents can afford to help, why shouldn't they. It doesn't have to mean they won't pay for your house deposit too - or the whole house if they can, some people do.

Whilst what you plan to do is very nice I don't think you get to speak for everyone my parents have helped me out financially but they didn't have the cash to help as much as you plan , however i.know in should get an inheritance of some sort each to their own.

Aibu that this really should be the normal way of providing for your kids instead of leaving them money when you die?

We're doing exactly the same thing. Too much wealth is tied up in property. Kids finally inherit it when they no longer need it, after they've struggled and made difficult life choices. We're likewise setting up our son. We're 200% behind his education and personal development (yes, you could say we're pushy parents!). We'll put him through university, and maybe even give him the deposit when the time comes to buy a house. But we're not just giving him blank cheques for him to fritter away on cars, women, booze, 18-30 holidays etc - if he wants that, he has to get a job to pay for it himself. There'll be no money for him when we're dead though. We'll be downsizing our house and spending the money ourselves as we have pathetic pensions.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day - teach a man to fish and he'll eat for his whole life. We're giving our son an education, lifeskills, and a step up to get his adult life started - hopefully, he'll then be able to get a decent job and look after himself for the rest of his life.

I feel very strongly about this. My parents were very money orientated, but spent little and didn't show much interest in my education. When I left home and got married, there were no offers of any financial help - we got a pathetic wedding present. We really struggled financially. We both went back to evening classes to gain better qualifications to try to get decent jobs. Parents knew we were struggling but didn't help. All we ever got was "when are you starting a family" - we couldn't afford to! Then when my mother was a 80 something widow and we finally had our only child, she just whinged about "only ones" and leaving it too late for her to enjoy grandchildren. Not being ungrateful, but when we finally got her inheritance, it was too late for us, we don't need it and it's too late for more children. It's sat in a bank account and that's what we're spending to get our son through Uni and starting him for his life, so at least it will do him some good.

I'd rather my help went towards a house deposit which they couldn't afford on their own. Whilst it would be nice to have a lovely wedding day, lack of money would not stop them actually getting married cheaply if they wished to do so, whereas lack of money might stop them buying a house. So I don't want to spend my money on a big party. That is my reasoning why I'd rather put it towards a house deposit.

Surely with your current mortgage and then your RE-mortgage,that is an awful lot of interest you are accruing & having to pay off?

That will be tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of pounds you could save by not going down this route?

Argeles, you seem to be an example of an entitled DC. You've had a lot of financial help from in laws. But still feel aggrieved.

Taskmaster - my children will learn the value of money and have jobs from 16, Just as I did... they want spending money / holidays / the latest phone etc then they earn it but the financial security of them owning their own homes is very important in our eyes.

Runningoutofcharge - when did I say anyone was crap parents? You must be feeling it cos you jumped to that all by yourself.

And tbh why can't kids who are comfortable then help parents out in their retirement? A bit of - we'll you helped set me up and now we're comfortable so now we'll return the love, help and generosity.

How many children do you actually have?

People who say "my children will..." usually haven't reached the stage they're pontificating about!

Rent may have been £400 pcm in the past, but I'm sure it won't be in 50 years time when you want to retire and downsize.

Sorry if I have missed this bit - but how old are your children now?

My kids are very young still. It's why we have been putting plans in place now.

It's a good point about the mortgage interest - it's not something we'd thought of.

We're planning to help the kids with a house deposit as I imagine this will be difficult for most but they can work for the rest themselves like we did. It's character building.

YY to 'my children will'. That's all very well then all of a sudden you have teenagers. And P/T jobs at 16 are not that easy to come by believe it or not, and very area dependant.

My kids are very young still. It's why we have been putting plans in place now

Fucking hilarious!

You're assuming a lot op.
I really hope you are in continuous full time employment, no health cricies occur and that you and dh don't split or die before you can accomplish this but in reality life tends to get in the way of rosy plans for the future.
I think most parents want to help their children as much as they can in all manor of ways, it doesn't have to be financial though.

I do agree that money is better spent on things needed earlier on than kept for an inheritance in later life.

If you have the means to make things easier for your children, why not!