To not want cans of beer next to my Gran's grave?

[crazycatgal]

I went to visit my Gran's grave yesterday as I do quite regularly and noticed that someone had placed a couple of cans of beer on the next grave.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed about this? I go and visit my Gran to think about her and place flowers on her grave and seeing cans of beer right next to her grave is a bit off putting. I'm also worried about them blowing onto her grave because it can get quite windy where she is buried.

I just want to see what other people think and if I'm being unreasonable.

Were they empty cans, as in people were drinking there and left them? Or was it sort of like leaving flowers, i.e. full cans for someone who might have really enjoyed beer? The latter seems a bit odd, but I've seen a small bottle of champagne left on a grave near my DM's headstone!

YANBU in my opinion. I see some graves now absolutely covered in stuff and I'm very torn as to whether doing that really does help people with their grief. I think flowers and plants are enough.

There was a can of beer next to my nans grave last time.

It is disrespectful, but I put it in the bin, placed my flowers and gave my love.

You cant do anything about it (and some people have graves desicrated with graffiti etc) so dont overthink it and just place it in bin

I don't know if they were full or empty but they had been left by someone who had visited that grave, they hadn't been left by random people in the cemetery.

YABU, it's not on your nans grave so I don't see why it's an issue.
Someone left them for another grave that has nothing to do with you. Perhaps the person who left them went for a weekly pint with their loved one? Or it was their birthday and they would normally have a beer together, and are therefore honouring a tradition and their loved one?

I’m guessing that the next grave belongs to someone who liked a beer now and again and someone who has visited their grave has left them on purpose.
If that’s the case then I think you’re being unreasonable - people remember their friends and family in different ways.
If on the other hand, they’re empty cans being left by people drinking in the cemetery and leaving litter, that’s different and I’d be annoyed too.

Did you see someone leave them?

Honestly - it’s not “traditional” but it shouldn’t interfere with what you’re doing. If it’s litter that’s bad, but it sounds like it’s not?

My (dead) grandmother wouldn’t be impressed at her grave being next to an “untidy” one, but you can’t control other people.

No I didn't see who left them, I just saw that they were there when visiting this time, I also didn't know if they were full or empty because I wouldn't touch anything on someone else's grave.

So they were on the Grave next to hers then?

Although not my cup of tea unless the rules of the graveyard specify you can’t then I don’t think there is much you can do

Then it could be litter? I’d have checked.

People often leave their loved ones cans of lager etc at gravesides.........an elderly lady whose husband is buried next to my mum always pours him a cup of tea and sits to have one with him. Not the sort of thing I'd do but meh. 🤷‍♀️

Yabu, btw. It isn't on your man's grave, being buried is akin to living in a terrace sadly - you don't have to like your neighbours but you do have to tolerate them.

MiddleOfTheRoad* why did you do that ?? Would you be ok if someone binned your flowers or whatever?!

I hate the tacky stuff cluttering graves in so many cemeteries nowadays. It affects other people who wish for peace and flowers and the sounds of nature. I have never seen this in Italy, for instance, where a visit to the grave of a loved one is done in a place of quiet, respectful contemplation.

@NoSquirrels I didn't assume that they were litter because I know that my cousin sometimes leaves a can on his father's grave. It really isn't my place to start touching someone else's grave and moving stuff.

ShatnersWig I always think it’s really sad when I see a grave covered in lots of “stuff”. It makes me think that the person, or people, who are placing it on there are really struggling, missing their loved one, and trying desperately to keep them (or their memory) around.
There’s a grave near where dh is in our cemetery which always has flowers, solar lights, wind chimes, little statues of fairies...all sorts. I went and had a closer look one day because my first thought was “yuck, tacky”, and I saw it belonged to a girl who had died in her early teens, and her sister, who died as a young woman. I then immediately thought of the parents...probably only about my age, who had lost both their girls and were probably in the depths of despair. I was quite ashamed of myself - who was I to judge? They can’t decorate daughters bedrooms for them, get them dressed up for parties, be there at their weddings...if this is what they do instead, and it helps them, then that’s fine by me.

It affects other people who wish for peace and flowers and the sounds of nature

It really doesn’t, though. I mean, I think it’s tacky too, and I’m not a fan, but what’s on a grave that’s nowt to do with me has no bearing on sounds of nature (unless someone is playing music, which would be awful), or contemplation. Flowers you bring with you. Artificial flowers are just as tacky, but serve a purpose.

There is a child's grave on my street. Obviously the body isn't there, but the family have erected a big stone with a photo of the child's face and a poem. There are always teddies and balloons. I don't know if they are allowed to do that on a piece of public land but they have, and if it helps with their grieving I don't see the problem.

I hate the tacky stuff cluttering graves in so many cemeteries nowadays. It affects other people who wish for peace and flowers and the sounds of nature

I hear you. My own preference would be peace, flowers and nature........... BUT I don't think you can dictate how other people grieve / show their love. Each to his own. Better to be tolerant and accept that people have different preferences, I think

RoseWhiteTips have a read of my last post....what gives you the right to dictate how other people should remember their loved ones?
For what it’s worth, I wanted dhs place to be very simple and prefer the quiet contemplation myself, but I understand not everyone feels the same.

I really can't see an issues with wind chimes, poems, fairies etc but I just see cans differently because they are essentially litter.

I know that my cousin sometimes leaves a can on his father's grave.

Right. Then you know it’s a “done thing”, and you respect other families feelings/etiquette enough to leave things on graves as a mark of respect, so yes, YABU I’m afraid- you can’t control what other people do.

If I saw a clearly empty can of beer rolling around near my DM's grave, I would bin it. If it had been placed on a grave nearby, of course not.

there are quite a few graves near DM that are covered in balloons, toys, windmills, lights etc. they are all children's graves and it's absolutely heartbreaking. The lady buried a couple of plots along from DM died together with her baby and her older children come to put their favourite toys there sometimes.

It always makes me think that yes my mum was far too young, and yes I'm still very sad about it many years later - but I wasn't a small child, and nor was she. Even a quick look around the cemetery confirms that everyone loses people they love; that life is bloody unfair when some people die far too young; and that we should just sympathise with whatever makes it that tiny bit more bearable for those left behind, IMO.

Wind chimes make sound. Is all. As far as I know they don’t grow on the trees.

I hate people who judge how others choose to grieve.

It's not your thing to leave some beers there, fair enough, if you don't like someone else doing it for their loved one then don't look.

We all suffer losses in this life and we all muddle on through as best we can to deal with those losses. I couldn't find it in myself to get annoyed at someone trying to take the edge off their grief like that.

I think if that’s what someone wants to put on their relatives grave as your cousin does then it’s their business and not really anything to do with you and it’s their way of dealing with grief.
It’d have to be incredibly windy to move full beer cans so I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

Dictating? Really? Is anyone doing so in this thread?