To not want cans of beer next to my Gran's grave?

[crazycatgal]

I went to visit my Gran's grave yesterday as I do quite regularly and noticed that someone had placed a couple of cans of beer on the next grave.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed about this? I go and visit my Gran to think about her and place flowers on her grave and seeing cans of beer right next to her grave is a bit off putting. I'm also worried about them blowing onto her grave because it can get quite windy where she is buried.

I just want to see what other people think and if I'm being unreasonable.

*TroubledTribble28

Rose I should think all graveyards are peaceful, what with the residents being quiet and all.

TroubledTribble28

Rose I should think all graveyards are peaceful, what with the residents being quiet and all

True. I’m referring to the cacophony of wind chimes, however.

Ah. Thanks.

I remember going with my ex and his family to visit his grandmother's grave on Boxing Day and being totally freaked out because loads and loads (as in dozens - it must have been a 'thing' that year in Maidstone) of people had attached those Christmas cards that play carols when you open them to the graves so there were all these tinny, mournful Christmas songs playing all over the place every time there was a breeze flapping them open. It was SO creepy but y'know, Christmas must be really hard for people who have lost someone they cared about so totally up to the relatives if that is what they wanted to do.

(If anyone is a director and wants to steal this spooky scenario for a film please feel free.)

Oh and thinking about it, there's a grave of historical significance in London that it's become traditional to place bottles of gin on. I have placed a couple of mini bottles of Gordons on it myself (I didn't know the person because they died over a hundred years ago so they get the cheap shit - someone that I knew would get much nicer stuff obviously) actually. I recently found out that one of my relatives is buried a couple of rows away and kind of feel bad now about all the times I've been putting gin on this total genetic stranger's grave and ignoring my own.

(Sorry, bad cold and rambling.)

TroubledTribble28

Rose times change. People express their grief somewhat differently now. Perhaps keep to traipsing through Islamic/Italian cemetarys only if British (I'm assuming it's British) graves offend your delicate nature so much.

I certainly do not traipse through Muslim cemeteries. I have no reason to do so. Nor Italian ones, come to that. That does not mean I am not very aware of the contrast between such quiet places and those that are increasingly to be found in the UK.

crazycatgal

@LemonShark I don't know where you're getting your assumptions from? Just because I personally don't think that beer cans should be on a grave it doesn't mean that I've not dealt with my grief properly.

Think her reaction was just a point scoring attempt.

I don't understand RoseWhiteTips, what do you mean 'point'? Nobody is playing a game here.

They are a modern form of goods, something to give comfort to the departed and also to comfort the bereaved. Not really that much different from the sorts of things the ancients did except the only difference is that the things are relevant to our times.

Perhaps bronze age people complained about the items being left by other families.

Live and let live (or rest in peace)

sorry grave goods

In some cultures, you honour your dead by taking some of their favourite food and drink to their grave. And there will also be a framed picture of the deceased at the grave.

Sorry OP but I do think YABU

My grandad, who I was very close to, HATED flowers, he loved ale! He specifically asked for no flowers on his grave, he said to 'share a drink with him'

I must have looked like a right oik in my late teens, I would bring a bottle for me and a bottle for him and sit on his grave for a quiet chat while drinking the beer. I would pour a little at a time from his bottle onto his grave. My actions did not affect anyone else so I don't see how it's anyone else's business. I don't live near the grave anymore but I look back on that time with fondness, it really helped me in the grieving process.

This is a really interesting discussion of the ways of mourning as society changes. In Welsh Valleys communities when I was growing up in the 70s there was a very 'Chapel', subdued attitude to life in general from many of the older generation in sharp contrast to the rugby club community of both men and women. My grandmother and mother were silently disapproving of women or my aunt and I who "drank".
Sorry I digress, just scene-setting,😊
(Talking lots as ever)
People from that Chapel/Church background would still really disapprove of beer cans and bottles of gin, maybe not from bible-led restrictions but from a sense of propriety.
In 2013 I was lucky enough to celebrate Samhain in San Francisco And was able therefore to attend the Dios de Los Muertos celebrations in the Mission District.
It was wonderful, thousands of people dressed up in incredible costumes, with amazingly detailed make up. Bands dancers, acrobats, Street salsa and mariachi bands, drummers, etc etc. A noisy, happy, wild and vibrant celebration and procession through the streets.
The best part for me though was the walk through Mission through the residential streets to Garfield Park
On the stoops And steps outside the houses were shrines And altars where people remembered and honoured their ancestors and loved ones who had passed on.
There were guitars and gramophones, cooking pans and typewriters, gardening tools and binoculars, baseballs and boats, lots of food, so many momentoes and reminders of people who had died. All surrounded by pictures and flowers and skulls and candles and lights and yes, beer and cigarettes.
At the Park various groups had set up larger shrines and altars, with different themes, many with environmental themes, mourning the environmental impact of fracking and climate change for example.
It was an incredible and deeply moving experience and has impacted on my feelings around death and mourning. This project was lovely. I know I had imbibed some of the judgemental attitudes of my youth without wanting to and my experience in San Francisco helped me to let go of that
So, OP, I know you felt that beer wasn't appropriate for YOUR grandmother but I bet the person who left them there had so many memories of good times with their loved one. Those cans are a symbol, summing up so much of their relationship.
To all of you who have suffered loss, mourn and grieve as you will, if it harms no one else and think about making your shrine or altar at Samhain, it's a lovely thing to do amidst the madness of Halloween.

crazycatgal

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed about this?

Yes.

You pay your respects to your Nan in your way, and allow others to remember in their own way.

Middleoftheroad
There was a can of beer next to my nans grave last time.

It is disrespectful, but I put it in the bin, placed my flowers and gave my love

next time why don't you just steal some flowers too for your front room?

YABU,
Everyone has their own story, my ex who died quite young in his last hours kept asking for tinned pineapple, his father takes tons and leaves them on his grave regularly.

As long as it's not on your nana grave and even if it is it's not your place to decide.

When a dear friend of mine passed away I went to visit him in the chapel of rest and someone had left a four pack of boddingtons on the side, he liked a drink and that was his favourite. Did your Gran like a tipple? Are they full/sealed or empties?

I have a friend who's daughter died and she regularly visits and decorates her grave, she even does it up for Christmas. It's how she copes. I still have my daughters ashes at home. I can't bring myself to let go. I don't think I ever will to be honest. I feel better having her here, at home, with us, as she should be. It's how I cope. Each person and their grief is different.

Whoops! Just seen they were on the next grave. Apologies!

When flowers die the ribbons holding them and cards written on blow away and become 'litter'

So there's no difference

Yabu.... if it helped a grieving relative then it's no business of yours

One person's tasteful is another person's tacky, I suppose. I'm not keen on windmills, football scarves, soft toys and plastic flowers in graveyards but if they are within the policy of the graveyard and help people to grieve they should be allowed.

What I did object to is people turning public parks and other outdoor spaces into memorial parks by erecting mini "gravestones" etc. - e.g. "Remembering Uncle Jim, he loved this place." South Lanarkshire council had so many in their parks they banned the practice and removed them all.

Well, death is a great leveller.

You really don’t know what class of corpse you’re going to be buried next to

From another perspective - I’m from a Jewish background and in Jewish cemeteries the norm is never to leave flowers but simply to put a stone on the grave. Something to do with the fact that flowers wither and die over time but stones are ‘eternal’ I think...

So when I first went to Christian cemeteries the flowers on all the graves looked ‘wrong’ to me. But that was just because of what I was accustomed to.

I think if someone really close to me died - eg husband or child - I would want to leave personal items such as beer, toys, whatever on their grave.

I do this.

My best friend at university was killed when his flat burnt down in the 1990s. We were mid 20s and full of life.

Whenever I go to his grave I leave a can of beer.

The cemetry where we buried my stillborn son is used as a drinking area for teenagers.... a can on a grave wouldnt last long there!!!

I have a fire engine some lego things my son has built and a jar with rolled up pieces of paper in it... probably looks a bit like litter but my son especially built the things for his brother and my daughter writes to him and locks them in the jar to protect them xx people grieve in different ways.

Whenever my Nana visited my grandfather’s grave she would bin the flowers the ‘other woman’ had left there. I’m sure the other woman would then in turn bin my Nana’s flowers.