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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want cans of beer next to my Gran's grave?

111 replies

crazycatgal · 26/01/2018 08:11

I went to visit my Gran's grave yesterday as I do quite regularly and noticed that someone had placed a couple of cans of beer on the next grave.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed about this? I go and visit my Gran to think about her and place flowers on her grave and seeing cans of beer right next to her grave is a bit off putting. I'm also worried about them blowing onto her grave because it can get quite windy where she is buried.

I just want to see what other people think and if I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 26/01/2018 08:58

@WaxOnFeckOff They have flowers though... I appreciate everyone's opinion on this thread but saying 'maybe the people in the next grave don't like flowers' is just stupid. Flowers are expected at a cemetery.

I think we can see who is stupid here. Can't you understand that people have different tastes, traditions and views? Not everyone has to think the same as you. If they were leaving stuff on your Gran's grave I'd absolutely think you were in the right.

Lovemusic33 · 26/01/2018 08:58

YABU, how are beer cans ofencive? Maybe the person in the grave liked a beer? People should be able to place what they like on a family/friends grave the same as you place what you like on yours.

LemonShark · 26/01/2018 08:58

What is it about a beer can you feel is inappropriate for a grave? And do you think it's inappropriate for any grave or is the issue solely because you feel it's inappropriate for your loved ones grave?

Original poster
crazycatgal · 26/01/2018 09:00

@WaxOnFeckOff I asked if I was being unreasonable about being a bit annoyed in my OP. I have never made any derogatory comments about the cans or the grave. I can obviously accept that people have different opinions which is why I respectfully asked on here.

OP posts:
MTBMummy · 26/01/2018 09:00

My dad would have loved to have a few tins of his favourite lager left at his grave side, but his ashes where spread on his favourite beach and fishing spot, so leaving a tin there would definitely be viewed as littering.

My dad would have hated flowers though, I think as long as it wasn't obviously litter then let people leave the momentos that they want to help them deal with the loss of a loved one

Glumglowworm · 26/01/2018 09:01

YABU

What other people put on their loved ones graves is nothing to do with you. It has no impact on your or your loved ones grave (if it did then ywnbu)

Throwing away anything that has been deliberately left is extremely disrespectful

blackteasplease · 26/01/2018 09:02

I think yabu, sorry

If the person in the next grave liked beer I think it's sweet that people are leaving beer for him/ her.

CantChoose · 26/01/2018 09:03

I live in an area of Kent with a large traveller community and its very common for them to put cans of drink, alcopops etc on graves with lots of statues and photos etc. Doesn't bother me a jot.
I've never actually thought about it before but there's a separate area where a lot of their graves are in our cemetery. I don't know whether that's deliberate or just that one person wanted to be buried near another and so on. Seems a bit off if the management have deliberately separated them to be honest.

SumThucker · 26/01/2018 09:03

YABU, sorry.

Original poster
crazycatgal · 26/01/2018 09:04

@Lovemusic33 @LemonShark I just think that it looks like litter on the grave. It's also something that I rarely see so seeing cans left there just doesn't feel right.

If the grave was elsewhere then I probably wouldn't be so bothered, like I said in the OP the cemetery is windy because it's on a hill and I wouldn't want to go back to see that cans had blown across onto her grave.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 26/01/2018 09:05

YANBU- I don’t like graves being turned into tacky memorials with plastic flowers and beer cans

Original poster
crazycatgal · 26/01/2018 09:05

@Glumglowworm When did I say that I had thrown anything away? When someone upthread asked if the cans were empty or full I said that I didn't know because I wouldn't touch anyone else's grave.

OP posts:
shouldnthavesaid · 26/01/2018 09:07

It's just a different way of grieving. My family/ancestors on maternal grandmothers side are all in a very old cemetery in highlands, 20 miles from nearest town. No public transport or directions etc.. 40 + relatives there. No fancy graves, very few visitors (my gran gets there once a year or so if that to pop flowers on her parents graves). Its peaceful but its peaceful because we can't get there. Also a Catholic thing as we believe nothing of the person is in the grave, what made them has gone onto heaven. Grass is hardly cut now - very much back to nature. Wild flowers and birds etc.

Doesn't mean we are any better people for having a peaceful place with no ornaments etc.. It just means noone goes sadly! There's a cemetery a mile from my mum that we used to go to guides next door to (did em, grave rubbing...) . It's got a lot of children sadly, and 3 daughters from one family who all died of cancer in their teens/twenties. They often have a wee teddy or a bottle of champagne etc and a photo which is lovely, gives the stone a meaning in some ways.

DotCottonDotCom · 26/01/2018 09:07

I really can't see an issues with wind chimes, poems, fairies etc but I just see cans differently because they are essentially litter

So are poems on bits of card and sticks and plastic from flowers and everything else that naturally ends up dislodging and blowing in the wind onto other graves?

That beer can means probably much more than a bunch of flowers. Sad I would down and see my gran and have a cigarette ( fuck knows if its allowed but I do when no-one else is about ) It was our thing and its the only way that ease my pain.

YABU, just accept that even if your eyes its "litter" , it's not to someone else and you should treat it the same way as flowers etc.

WaxOnFeckOff · 26/01/2018 09:08

@WaxOnFeckOff I asked if I was being unreasonable about being a bit annoyed in my OP. I have never made any derogatory comments about the cans or the grave. I can obviously accept that people have different opinions which is why I respectfully asked on here.

Well not really, it was obvious from your OP that you were judging and dismissive of their choice and anyway, just in case it wasn't clear, YABU.

Sirzy · 26/01/2018 09:09

Wind chimes are the ones I do get a bit miffed about because they can, and do, interrupt the peace for others. But I accept that is just me and there is nothing I can do to stop them.

My uncle doesn’t put flowers on my grandparents grave. He goes and gives his dad a cigarette and has a smoke with him. It’s what gives him comfort.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 26/01/2018 09:10

In a Muslim area of a cemetery I know, there is no clutter at all. It looks very peaceful

I'm sure it is, and for my part, I would like that, but we should understand that one person's peaceful is another person's impersonal / looks like no one cares

Queeniebed · 26/01/2018 09:12

Depends if they were an offering or rubbish left

Skittlesandbeer · 26/01/2018 09:12

I’d lift the cans, even if they were on another grave. Full? Leave ‘em. Empty? Align myself eye-to-eye with one can and blow as hard as I could. Tipped over and/or rolled away? Bin them all.

Just doing what the wind would tomorrow, and as soon as the wind does that it’s officially litter in my book.

Guilt? None. Dust off my hands, an conspiratorial nod to Nanna, off home and on with life. If there’s more to it all, Nanna will I’m sure deal with it all fairly in the after-life. She was good that way.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2018 09:19

If the grave was elsewhere then I probably wouldn't be so bothered, like I said in the OP the cemetery is windy because it's on a hill and I wouldn't want to go back to see that cans had blown across onto her grave.

If the cemetery is windy, then I'm afraid you'll be removing all manner of things from the grave over the years.

It's all part of tending to it.

AliceWhatsth3Matter · 26/01/2018 09:19

Ffs, we've had 2 posters on this thread posting that they leave toys and windmills and other things on their child's grave yet still people are posting that it's "tacky" and "chavvy".

Do you not have an ounce of compassion or understanding? Does all painful emotion have to tidied away in the name of respect or what happened in the past?

Like a pp when I see a much decorated grave I feel for those mourning the death of someone they loved. Such a painful experience which could happen to any of us this very day. Why judge and condemn how others cope?

ShatnersWig · 26/01/2018 09:21

If someone liked a beer, why not actually have one with them? Sit there, or stand there, drink a beer, and then rather than leave the a full can at the grave actually pour it over the grave? Genuinely. I think I'd do that rather than leave cans or bottles around - especially bottles, which could get broken etc.

The problem with some of these graves is that a lot of the stuff that tends to get left around gets blown about in windy weather onto other graves or just around the cemetery or makes upkeep of the cemeteries more difficult.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2018 09:22

In a Muslim area of a cemetery I know, there is no clutter at all. It looks very peaceful

The Muslim area of my mum's cemetery is very much the same as the rest of it.

Some graves have ornaments (that some would consider 'tacky'/'chavvy' on this thread) and some don't.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/01/2018 09:25

There is a child's grave on my street. Obviously the body isn't there,

Why is the child's body obviously not there?

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2018 09:27

Elton, I think she might have meant shrine rather than grave.

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