Leaving baby crying

[harriettehashadenough]

He's 18 mo crying in his cot now, goes down really well every night but wakes up crying looking for attention refuses milk or juice, only thing that stops him is our bed.

AIBU to just be brutal and let him cry it out cold turkey? We do CIO contact every 5 minutes usually.

He knows what he's doing

He needs to understand you are there and will come to him when he has a genuine need

Not trying to be confrontational here, but isn’t a toddler needing comfort from parents a genuine need too?

Yes but I'd argue that comfort shouldn't only be satisfied by coming into bed with you. Therefore by being consistent and following the same reassurance techniques whilst a baby is in the cot, you should help them to learn to change their expectations of what comfort is likely to be in the middle of the night. I think if cosleeping is what works for baby and parents then that's brilliant, but for me, it wasn't something I could sustain long term as none of us slept properly, including my daughter. So I decided it was right for us to keep her in her own bed and help her to learn to settle back to sleep in her cot. It only took a few nights for her to get the hang of it, and now if she cries then generally she needs me and I go to her as soon as I hear her. But every now and then we've had to sleep train again to stop the bad habits coming back... particularly after sickness when I usually sleep with her next to me again.

You have my sympathy OP!!!

I had to sleep train my 10 month old because his sleep was HORRENDOUS and I was at breaking point, as was my marriage.

The only thing that stopped my son from crying was either a breast feed or coming into my bed, but it only pacified him for about an hour and then he’d be crying again. It was exhausting and soul destroying. I was so sleep deprived.

I did Sleep Traininh under the guidance of a sleep consultant and in a week I had a completely different baby.

The intervals I went in at were 1 minute, 2 minutes, 4 minutes and then 8 minutes - and then repeated 8 minutes gaps.

We did sleep training with ours at about 7 months old. Worked really well. She’s now 2 and a bit and when she has a disturbed night we’ll go in if needed, resettle and leave to cry it off in 2,4,6,8,10 min intervals, rising by 2 mins each time. She’s usually asleep by the 6 min one.

We stop at the 10 min gap. Then repeat that if necessary (virtually never necessary). We had to reintroduce it recently after moving house. Gave a week of going in, cuddles etc, but the only thing that can settle them is themselves. And they need help understanding that.

In my opinion, go in for cuddles and being brought into bed/given milk etc is a reward for the crying. Self soothing is an important part of learning and developing.

Ultimately it hinges on what you’re prepared to accept.

I like to reward myself at night with a glass of water if I'm thirsty. If I'm cold, I also like to reward myself by getting an extra blanket.

OP I would lengthen to every 10 mins but no longer. You’re not being cruel but are just teaching them that they can sleep on their own and don’t need you to be there for them to fall and stay asleep.

OP, oh dear, posting this in AIBU was inevitably going to attract unconstructive responses.

I would never advocate leaving a child genuinely in distress to cry uncomforted BUT contrary to what some of the above responders say, I do believe toddlers cry for attention and your company just “because”. Not out of fear, anxiety, coldness, hunger etc (and come on, you’d know if you’d sent an 18 month old to bed hungry) etc but because they are testing boundaries, they like getting a reaction or just because they quite fancy having you there. They cry because they don't have language yet, and there are different levels of crying.

Helping them learn you won’t (can't!) be there every minute of the day or night is not being cruel as long as you give them comfort and reassurance the rest of the time. I find my toddler’s crying horrific to bear, but there came a transition where he started crying at all sorts of pointless things, like having the wrong shaped sandwich for lunch. When he’s in distress it still is unbearable but if I got upset by every crying episode I’d be a wreck.

People are projecting and being very emotive when saying the difference is "they're alone in the dark". Alone in the dark in their normal bedroom does not necessarily automatically = scared, cold, lonely!

A few questions OP. Does he like bedtime? Can he self-soothe? Do you have a routine that works? How are naps, maybe that needs reviewing?

Sorry if if this is stating the obvious, but maybe you need to "reset" bedtimes. Change existing or create a new routine that embeds a positive feel for going to bed, (along with him self-soothing). Perhaps if the CC method doesn’t work for you then a gradual retreat one might. We used CC to great effect (my child is a very, very happy sleeper, who cried less throughout sleep training than he did on an average night before we sleep trained, I strongly refute that it's cruel - he was already crying and miserable because he wanted to be asleep! ) but obviously it won’t suit every child or every stage.

I do seem to remember that 18 months was a tricky stage though for separation anxiety in general and things got loads better about 21 months. Good luck.

Myothername, very sensible and well put post.

Hi op please stick with the controlled crying it will be a bit harder at 18 months than younger but you all need good quality sleep. I asked on a Solihull parenting course (lots about containment and attachment) what the views were on cc as they talked a lot about the effect of stress and neglect on the developing brain. The lady assured us that under six months they don't recommend cc but that after it does NOT have any risk of damage - it's severe stress and neglect that affect cortisol levels and brain development not a few nights of crying with you going in every now and then so they know you're there.

Also although meant well I really don't think suggestions of co sleeping at 18 months is that constructive. You need to start teaching good quality sleep associations.

Nice post myothername. I don't agree with you, but your thoughts on the subject are interesting.

If he's crying then comfort him. You can give comfort without picking him up if you don't want him in your bed (although cosleeping does not necessarily lead to dc being in your bed for extended periods). Leaving a tiny child crying is not great imo.

I suppose it depends what experience you want him to have. I think it's better for young kids to kniw that their parents will respond to their emotional needs, not just when it is convenient to them.

Op, please look up jo frost's, controlled crying technique, make sure the day is very stimulating, walks, painting, playing, reading, then bath time, book and bed. It's basically teaching them you are there, you are coming back but you gently extend the time you go back, I wished we had done it sooner!!! I could no longer function getting up every 2 hours when she wasn't hungry, cold or wet, it was just a habit that needed breaking. She's a much happier toddler now!

He’s 18 months and perfectly capable of learning to put himself to sleep. Crying doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it’s plain temper not an unmet need (wants being different to needs). Sleep training was best thing I ever did. It was hard at the time but has paid huge dividends throughout their lives. It doesn’t damage them, doesn’t do harm but does teach them they are capable of setting themselves. The opposite view of always rushing to comfort teaches a child it cannot settle without mummy and that creates exhaustion for both parties.
Go for it.

Good post Stompy

"I think it's better for young kids to kniw that their parents will respond to their emotional needs, not just when it is convenient to them."

In your view it's an emotional need. Why not allow others to parent as they see fit without judgement? There is no evidence that a child won't know this just because he is left to grizzle for a couple of minutes before crying. You're projecting. If it's not for you fine but no need to be so judgemental and critical of others

*before sleeping not crying

Sleep deprivation isn't an "inconvenience". It's injourous to the op's health and wellbeing, and downright dangerous if she needs to drive or cross the road or generally negotiate life in a permanent fog.

I did controlled crying with boy my boys around 1 year old.

DS1 was kind of easy because he was so exhausted and crying but didn't want to be picked up, put down, held, sung to or anything. He was just so over tired (and angry with it).
So first night I let him cry 3 mins, then went in an shushed and gave a hug, then 5 mins, then 8 mins, then 11 mins - first night took 40 minutes in total before he fell asleep and slept for 12 hours.
Second night, it took 20 minutes of crying/cuddles before he fell asleep.
Third night it took 30 seconds. He had a grizzle, lay down in his crib and was sound as a pound.

DS2 was harder because he was a real cuddly baby and I co-slept with him until he was about 8 months old when the kicking in the head/stomach/face got too much to bare before a full day at work. But he loved to just fall asleep in my arms whilst I sung to him and unfortunately this took, on one occasion, an hour of me singing before he drifted off.
So controlled crying it was, but I had to leave DH to do it because his sobs hurt my heart and I would sit downstairs crying and it was too tempting to go into him and just cuddle him. So I went out running instead.

We all gotta do what we gotta do! You need sleep, your baby needs sleep. As soon as they learn to put themselves back down when they wake up, you're golden and then you start reaching those heady nights of 8-9 hours sleep!!

Think of the prize and keep focused. Your baby is not being damaged by you not going in to him, and neither is your relationship with him. You give him love, affection and attention during daylight hours, controlled crying is not going to undo your bond, don't worry.

I'm surprised at how much criticism you've received OP when you have posted looking for help. It can be so hard, sleep deprivation is not fun.

I am a FTM so by no means experienced & very much believe in that everyone should do whatever makes things easier for them. However I am shocked at how many people have older babies/toddlers still in their room in a cot/sharing the parent's bed it's not a judgement or a criticism at all- I'm just surprised at how common it is. I thought most babies went into their own rooms at 6 months & spent the night there, with or without overnight feeds. It just goes to show how misleading books/online guides can be/how babies are all different!

He’s 18 months and perfectly capable of learning to put himself to sleep. Crying doesn’t hurt.

I’m always curious about why it’s okay to leave a small child to cry alone, but if an adult was treated in this way by their partner we’d quite rightly think it very unkind behaviour.

"I’m always curious about why it’s okay to leave a small child to cry alone, but if an adult was treated in this way by their partner we’d quite rightly think it very unkind behaviour"

Babies only have one method of communication. It's a matter of interpretation what they're saying. I would never leave my baby crying loudly because I know then that she really wants or needs something. When she grizzles my instinct tells me she's tired and wants to sleep. So in my view you're making a false comparison. Adults and babies communicate in totally different ways.

I’m always curious about why it’s okay to leave a small child to cry alone, but if an adult was treated in this way by their partner we’d quite rightly think it very unkind behaviour.

Not really a fair comparison though is it? If an adult is crying because they don't want to go to sleep by themselves and needed another adult to rock them, rub their back or sing to them constantly, they'd be told to get a grip and rightly so.

If I'm crying, there's a reason and usually a bloody good one, like I'm pain, or I'm grieving. Not because I can't fall asleep by myself...

Yes there are a lot of holier than thou types on here, the only people they are fooling are themselves. No ones shit doesn't stink.

He isn't 'screaming' crying in that situation, as people know babies have levels and types of crying.

Thanks everyone for the advice on the gradual retreat . I think that is what o will be trying after some research on it.

We do have a very strong bedtime routine and he falls asleep very well he just doesn't stay asleep all night.

He loves his bath time storytime and as soon as we put him down he's stretching out and getting comfortable for the night.

He is a very advanced baby he walked at nine months old and he can do a lot of things and he speaking quite well for his age, he has already started tantruming for the last few weeks so I think this could be the onset of terrible twos.

As someone mentioned babies are individuals and they all reach milestones at different times.

I am unsure if some people have not read the full post, co sleeping does
NOT settle him, atm it just moves the problem from his bed into ours and no one sleeps.

I am not sure what if any other methods I will try but things cannot carry on like this.

Sorry for the period of absence I've been at work all day with only a 30 minute lunch break!

Happy Friday!