Leaving baby crying

[harriettehashadenough]

He's 18 mo crying in his cot now, goes down really well every night but wakes up crying looking for attention refuses milk or juice, only thing that stops him is our bed.

AIBU to just be brutal and let him cry it out cold turkey? We do CIO contact every 5 minutes usually.

He knows what he's doing

My dgs had a remote control (by parents) thing which played lullabies and projected soft coloured lights on the ceiling. They would start it if he cried and it worked. If it didn’t and it was distressed screaming they went in to him and sat by the bed. Dsil is tone deaf and reckoned his tuneless droning of ‘golden slumbers’ always made baby sleep in self defence. I’ll try to find a link for the thing.

Like this

We do CIO younger then 18 months. Just grin and bear it and they will learn. Unfortunately, some of us have jobs that’s require us to be alert or it’s dangerous so we all need sleep. My kids are fine and well rested. Oh and leaving an 18 month old to cry is no different to ignoring a temper tantrum.

I don't think it's separation anxiety. My dd had SA terribly at that age and was very similar to your ds, but as soon as she came in bed with us she went straight to sleep.

Your ds isn't sleeping any better with you so I'd guess his not after comfort, I think he wants someone to play with him. Have you tried a sleep training clock? He may be a little young but it may help him understand when it's playtime and when it's sleep time.

You have my sympathy, being sleep deprived is horrible.

Have you read the no cry sleep solution, you might find it helpful.

Personally, I don't mind a little bit of crying, as with my DD I can sense if it's a very distressed cry or a moaning cry. I never leave her if she is distressed, but will leave her to moan if I know she isn't hungry, ill, hot etc.

Everyone has different views on it, however personally, if he is in a cot now then I wouldn't be moving him into your bed or a side sleeper UNLESS it's what you want.

Snap with hippy. Also I think son people are being unnecessarily judgemental. There is no way to know for sure why baby is crying. Mine cries more (in fact she gets terribly upset) if you disturb her midway through her "sleep moan". So maybe is going in is more like continually waking an adult when they are about to sleep. Who knows? So don't project and assume that others are somehow neglecting their babies!

Before I had my DD I never thought I would be an advocate for cosleeping. I understand why with newborns you need to be very careful though at 18 months alot of the risks aren't there anymore. Having looked into cosleeping in many different cultures/ countries it is completely normal and they don't understand our need to have our baby is a separate room. It is natural for a baby to want to be close to its parents.

Oh and leaving an 18 month old to cry is no different to ignoring a temper tantrum
They cry when they have tantrum because they want and can't have their own way. They aren't alone in the dark, they've had an interaction from the adult so unless you literally walk into another room too let them scream out their tantrum its entirely different

What are you doing when you go in to him when he cries?

We did the pick up put down thing with DS3 as he was a terrible sleeper. We'd go in, avoid eye contact and not speak, quick pick up and cuddle, then back down into bed. It worked well. He also didn't sleep well when in our bed, so it wasn't comfort he was after.

Yes. You’re being unreasonable and drama I g your child’s mental health.

Given his age and that he's not crying with hunger etc, it sounds like habit more than anything else. It's not for everyone, but I personally would do sleep training in your shoes.

*damaging

I've always let ds settle himself to sleep. Yes he cried for a few minutes. But he always settled himself to sleep, unless there was something extra wrong - teething for example. And he never ever needed any comforter which I don't like personally anyway so wouldn't ever give one.
I'm not a bad mum, ds wasn't screaming for ages. And if the so called perfect mums who never let their baby cry want to have a go, fine. I don't care tbh.

It's a very emotive topic but personally I think he is 18 months old and they don't need milk or drinks in the night if they are eating well in the day. Unless they are ill and need calpol etc that's different of course.

I tried the going in every five mins and it made her worse as it's frustrating as they want you to pick up. I think with sleep training you have to do what works to your babies temperament. I know that taking my daughter out of her room results in no sleep for anyone in the house so I just don't do it. Great co sleeping works for some but not for us so that's not an option.

I would leave him for ten mins and you may be surprised how often he actually just goes back to sleep before that. We did this and after a few days didn't need to go to her at all in the night as she didn't cry unless she was ill or genuinely needed us. She is happier as has more sleep and so are we.

I appreciate everyone will have different views but to me I would never leave a tiny baby to cry but at 18 months you need to think about your sleep too. That's my opinion. Clearly some people strongly oppose this view and that's fine - you can only do what's best for you and your family.

Good luck OP

Yes. You’re being unreasonable and drama I g your child’s mental health.

Do you have a source for this assertion, @MrsPreston11 ?

@SleepingStandingUp when my kids tantrum they go on the naughty step and I walk away until they calm down. And at night they know I’m there as I go in and out and tell them it’s bedtime at times intervals until they go sleep. They have to learn they can’t have their own way all the time otherwise they’d be in our bed, keeping us up and no one would get any bloody sleep. I’m a nurse and need to be able to function at work and my OH is a firefighter so the same goes there.

Haven’t rtft OP so sorry if you’ve covered this - but could this be a sign you need to change up the nap schedule? Only ask cos we’ve been through this twice now (I.e wake up and cry/fuss/chat/meltdown for a couple of hours in the middle of the night) and both times the answer was to drop a nap and juggle the schedule. I resisted it for ages cos all the advice was telling me DD was way below the average age of dropping said nap... but clearly that was not her view!

At 18 months, I just checked my little girl for a nappy change, made sure winded, and wrapped up nice and warm so knew all was well. After that I let her cry a little and she soon stopped and got used to it.....was hard for me though but the best thing in t he long run.

I've only read the first page of replies but I think other posters are being quite harsh. I say this as a co-sleeper, my best friend still has a 7 year old who wakes up multiple times a night crying and refusing to go back to sleep. She is at her wits end and feels like if she'd dealt with the issue earlier it could have been much different.
If you have checked you 18 month old child is safe, not hungry, wet or anything else yes it is fine to let them CIO with periodic checks if that what you feel will maintain your sanity. There is research, cortisol levels, blah blah blah. There is also no evidence to suggest that different parenting styles cause children any long term damage. (Other than actual neglect) which this is not.
I semi co-sleep (they go down in their own bed but if they wake up straight into mine) because for my family that is the best way for us all to have the best possible nights sleep. Having a super kingsized bed helps with this, best purchase ever. Your child won't resent you because you let them cry a little bit. Remember that when it comes to parenting people are very protective over their own choices, which results in very strong opinions. Own your own choices OP you know your baby best.

As others have said the research is by no means conclusive here so it's wrong to say you would be damaging your child. The child not getting enough sleep could be just as damaging to development or even more so. The development of the human brain is very little understood and I understand the only tests have been done in rats or observed from child neglect. Neither is comparable to letting a baby whine for a few minutes.

I would second trying gradual retreat. It worked very well for us when our son started waking due to separation anxiety and is gentler than just CIO (although took a couple of weeks all in for us)
Working and getting almost no sleep is brutal. I don't blame you for not wanting to live with it and at 18 months I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your child to sleep all night in their own cot.

We left DS1 to cry it out in the end. I was so sleep deprived that DH put his foot down (thank god!). I went in once when DS started crying, to check he was actually ok, and then I didn't go back in (DH sat on me!).
The first night he cried for maybe 10 minutes, the second night a little less and the third night he was totally fine and he's slept like a dream ever since.
He's now 13 and still a good sleeper

We didn't need to do it with DS2, he was a different kettle of fish altogether- would only sleep on his stomach... but that's another thread.

at 18 months I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your child to sleep all night in their own cot.

But children are all individuals. That might be a reasonable expectation for one child and wildly unreasonable for another.

Adults all sleep differently too, don’t we? We can say it’s reasonable to expect that an adult goes to bed at 11pm, falls asleep immediately and doesn’t wake up until 7am, but in reality many people’s sleep pattern looks nothing like that. Why do we expect all babies to have a uniform sleeping pattern when we don’t expect the same of adults?

No advice on the sleep, sorry - but regarding the bedside crib, they are now all designed so the side is completely up or completely flush with the mattress so that what happened to that poor baby can't happen. That said, it's my understanding they're not safe once babies are old enough to pull themselves up so wouldn't be suitable for this age anyway.

You need to vary the intervals of time between responding to him... sometimes a minute, sometimes 7, sometimes 3 etc. He needs to understand you are there and will come to him when he has a genuine need, but not reinforce that if he cries habitually for 5 mins then that's all it takes to get attention. Obviously you need to be sure he isn't hungry, cold, teething etc, and never let their crying get too intense. But if it's definitely habit, then I see no reason for you not to do some sleep training. I do not believe in crying it out at all, but a bit of grumbling in their cot is fine until they settle themselves, with you reassuring them at varying intervals that you are there and that it's also sleepy time.