Leaving baby crying

[harriettehashadenough]

He's 18 mo crying in his cot now, goes down really well every night but wakes up crying looking for attention refuses milk or juice, only thing that stops him is our bed.

AIBU to just be brutal and let him cry it out cold turkey? We do CIO contact every 5 minutes usually.

He knows what he's doing

How hard is he crying for those 5 minutes? I was told leave for up to 5 minites only if he's whingey (I cant, I get to 20 seconds and buckle) but the minute he cries properly to go in. Mine's a year older. Of course he knows crying gets mom bit he isn't being awake at this time of night for fun if he's screaming. There's something up even if its just lonely and sad. Currently stood in bathroom intermittent singing twinkle twinkle as that seems to be settling him after earlier screams and cuddles. I give him two dummies because the swapping over soothes him to sleep

I feel your pain, my 16 month old is up again, and I'll be honest I feel the same way as you about it. However, he's still just a baby and just wants his mummy, go in and give him a cuddle, they all sleep eventually.
I take it as a sign I'm doing something right for him to want me so much
to you, hope you get some sleep soon.

I always tended to go and sit next to them. Sat and held their hand or just lay on the floor nearby until they fell asleep.

Doing the same thing now with my 3yo ds. It's annoying at the time but it usually doesn't take too long.

I’ve just skimmed the thread, and can’t see anyone has said this. We had this with my daughter.

I stood by her cot and every time she stood up to wail, I picked her up gave her a quick squeeze and laid her back down saying ‘Lie down, shut your eyes, it’s sleepytime’ (words to that effect, through more or less gritted teeth).

I went in determined to win and she did get it quite quickly, and it definitely helped.
Of course, you’ll notice I’m typing at four in the morning, because I brought her in when we were all not well & I was on my knees, and we’re back in the habit.

Promise it worked for a bit though. Sympathies, it’s shit being that tired, and also trying to sleep through someone booting you in the head.

I stopped co-sleeping my first at 9 months. She wasn't able to settle in bed with us anymore, was restless and trying to wake us up. We did CIO, which normally I don't think is right, but we only had to do it for two nights and then she was able to settle herself straight away. I think she just needed to learn new sleep cues.

I do think going in every five minutes can be problematic - surely they are just learning that they need to escalate their distress as you keep coming and going. I'd suggest staying in but not giving attention, or if you can't do that or it doesn't work, just leaving them to it, or popping in less frequently to reset all the sleep cues (lie them down, dream sheep on, 'night night, time to sleep' etc).

Good luck! You must be feeling desperate. Sleep deprivation is torture.

I used to let DS come in but he had to walk through himself and then if he wriggled or didn't let us sleep I'd say 'sssh, I'm sleeping, if you can't be quiet you go back to bed.' Gave him the choice. Sometimes had to take him to bed and leave him crying but he was always exhausted so it would be half hearted and he'd stop in a few seconds, if it had been minutes I'd have gone back. After a fee weeks he knew the drill and would either lie down nicely and go to sleep or come for a quick cuddle and then go back to his bed voluntarily.

I couldn't be doing with going in every 5 mins, I would have gone insane.

Yep I’d do it! In fact I did it a lot younger than 18months. I have 2 very happy healthy DCs. The oldest does climb in bed with me occasionally which I am totally fine with. Neither feels abandoned or unloved, I take each one out alone occasionally and spend all my time with them when they’re awake! They know that bedtime is bedtime and that’s it. Everyone needs sleep. I notice not many people admit to this on here (probably because I’ll get a flaming) but it worked for us.

Not judging at all, but I had four and personally couldn't leave them crying.

It's scary for babies to wake up on their own.

He's not just getting what he wants coming in with you, he's getting what he needs.

Hope you got some sleep last night OP. Just thinking of a few things you could try if you haven’t already.

It sounds like he’s waking as he wants comfort from Mum or Dad as you say he’s definitely not hungry, cold, etc. So, could you try sleeping in his room next to his cot so he knows you’re there but you’re not in bed together with him kicking around. Or could you have his cot next to your bed so you could talk to him or reach over and hold his hand without you having to get up and go to him?

Does he have any comfort objects? If not perhaps you could try introducing one (a blanket or soft toy) that he could then have in his cot at night and which he feels comforted by when he wakes.

Good luck with it, sleep deprivation is horrible.

Couldnt leave 18 month old crying, sorry op. If u and dh really can't sleep with him in bed have u spare bed you could take turns?

CIO, AKA teaching your child that when they cry they get no comfort.
Imagine bring an adult, scared, in the dark and no one comes to comfort you.

Have him in your bed from the start of your night, then you wouldn't have to go in.
I co slept with mine till they didn't want to any more.

What kind of crying are we talking here? That whining, grizzly type of cry they do before they fall asleep or full blown crying? My baby is excellent at putting herself back to sleep after max a few minutes of whining. If that is CIO then I guess that's what I did but she sleeps fantastically in her own room.

Oh and also isn't 18 months when they start throwing mini tantrums if they don't get their own way? I'm surprised everyone thinks 18 months is so little that they have to have their own way all the time. My niece is this age and if you tell her no and take something away from her she will start to throw a wobbly but then get over it very quickly if you ignore her. So manipulation is the wrong word but I don't think it's always inappropriate to let an 18 month old cry.

We had this for a while at about the same age. Couldn't put her in with us because we have a tempur mattress and they advise not to co-sleep. In the end we put a camp bed in her room and took it in turns (DP did more of it to be fair, being the SAHP). If you did that, he might settle OR you could take turns to get a full night's sleep on the camp bed? Sorry OP, it's utterly brutal when you are being woken up and you have to work.

(And by work I absolutely include being at home with said baby or any other child - I know just how hard my DP works with DD, and am under no illusions that sometimes it's a damn sight easier being at work!)

18 months is peak separation anxiety time. If you can get through the next month or 2 it should ease up. He can’t help what he’s doing. He needs comfort. I noticed a massive difference in my daughter between 18 months and 20 months. She went from cling-on, who spent her days crying to be carried and hanging off my leg, waking in the night and clinging onto me, to little miss independent. It’s great!

It’s so hard but it really is just a phase. Good luck.

I sympathise. My 22 month old ds currently does the same. He will go to bed fine at 7pm in his own room but will wake by 11pm and the only thing which stops him crying is bringing him into our bed. We were trying to get him to stay in his cot but had complaints from our neighbours about the noise so now just bring him into our bed and we all sleep well until 7/8am. This is fine at the moment but expecting no 2 soon so not sure how that'll work with a newborn!!

After an hour in our bed where he woke up maybe every 12 minutes crying kicking thumping and twirling around we decided if he's going to do that in our bed what's the point him being there? At 230am we put him back in his cot he cried for about 8 minutes then slept until 620.

I on other hand was still awake at 330 worrying about when he was going to wake up next

Queue zombie this morning. I honestly think he sleeps better in his own cot once he settles down.

When I can digest info I'm going to read all the posts and see can we try anything else.

Thanks for your ideas and understanding. I hope it's clear I was posting out of sheer desperation and on the brink of leaving the baby with dh and checking into a hotel for the night.

Maybe tonight....

I don't think checking into a hotel would be a bad move actually. See my earlier post about accidental CIO.

You need sleep.

**What kind of crying are we talking here? That whining, grizzly type of cry they do before they fall asleep or full blown crying? My baby is excellent at putting herself back to sleep after max a few minutes of whining. If that is CIO then I guess that's what I did but she sleeps fantastically in her own room

Mine does this too. There is a big difference between her whingey going to sleep cry and her I need something cry. It seems easier if they have an attachment to a cuddly toy so they can have the security of that. Unless she in teething pain a lot of her bed time crying is because I’ve said no to reading her a book for the 30th time so basically a toddler strop.

Yabvu.

What time does he go to bed? Have you tried gradual retreat? Sometimes ds gets so worked up we have to leave him to cry for our my own self to mentally be ready but i can hear the difference in his cries. He always cries before sleep whether with us or cuddling and gets more worked up if you comfort him.

Also OP we got to her putting herself to sleep by being there comforting her and gradually reducing our input. This wasn't something we'd read in a book just naturally how we adapted things over time. Started with shhing and patting her chest or leaving a hand there. Then shhing and rocking crib where she could see us. Then rocking crib where she couldn't see us. Then a dummy. Then eventually she refused the dummy too. It took a month or six weeks before she was quite reliable in putting herself to sleep after a few minutes of whining. It's not proper crying and never makes me feel concerned but in the early days I would sit and watch her just in case. It almost sounds like she's saying "I'm tired and I want to sleep!" She has to be tired though. If I put her in the cot when she's not tired she will scream!

My hv told us that do whatever you have to to sleep: cosleep, retreat, controlled crying. A sleep deprived parent driving a commute is more dangerous then doing any of those.

My friend does cc and her first baby took to it, her second didnt. Babies will be as they want.