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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Do. Reasonable or Not?

123 replies

Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 14:20

My DSis is getting married this year. Her hen do plans are gradually escalating. As it stands now, she wants a night away with dinner, then an activity the next day, followed by lunch. I'm not totally organising it, she's dictating all the venues and activity, but I am expected to send the invites, sort out who's coming and make bookings and collect the money. The issue is that she is getting married abroad, and no one is attending. There will be no reception or party, it's just the wedding abroad with the two of them. I'm cringing at the thought of asking people to shell out for this, plus pay for her. However, my judgement might be clouded by the fact I'm going to struggle to afford it myself, and it's my idea of hell.

AIBU to think that it's cheeky to expect this level of hen do when there is no wedding for people to attend?

OP posts:
Singlebutmarried · 24/01/2018 14:21

Personally if I were going off to get married just the two of us, I wouldn’t expect a hen do.

Possibly meet close friends for drinks, but not night away/activities/dinner/lunch etc.

How keen is you Dsis to do this?

Youngmystery · 24/01/2018 14:23

Pay for her? So she wants all of that but she wants other people to pay for her part in it?

Don't see the problem in the hen do really, but she can't expect people to pay for her room and dinner etc. Class it as more of a celebration get together personally so she pays for herself.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/01/2018 14:24

No, looks very cheeky!

You have to say something!

Bounce it back - tell her you really think she should sound out her close friends to see how they feel about doing a hen when there's no wedding - 'I can't check that out, it would look bad on you if you left me to ask them - let's make sure they are all on board first with you speaking to them direct Sis'

allertse · 24/01/2018 14:24

It is a bit cheeky.

On the other hand, if a friend of mine was getting married abroad, I'd be sad I couldn't celebrate her wedding and would happily go on her hen do to celebrate with her.

If you aren't a bridesmaid I think it's fine to decline to organise it though. Especially if she has planned it, seems she just wants you to do the grunt work and pay! Just tell her you can't afford it and aren't keen on the activities planned but you'll happily have a pre/post-wedding lunch or whatever.

Liskee · 24/01/2018 14:25

I had family only at my wedding and neither of us had hen/stag dos. My sister insisted on arranging something for me, but I insisted it should be family only. All singing all dancing hen do when you’re getting married quietly abroad? SIBU!!

Idontdowindows · 24/01/2018 14:26

Um... do brides plan their own hen do nowadays? Shock

Nocabbageinmyeye · 24/01/2018 14:28

Has she said she expects to be paid for?

I could tell her she she reign it in a bit, dinner and drinks by all means but overnight and activities is a bit much

Nocabbageinmyeye · 24/01/2018 14:29

Has she said she expects to be paid for?

I could tell her she she reign it in a bit, dinner and drinks by all means but overnight and activities is a bit much

SavvyBlancBlonde · 24/01/2018 14:29

She’s your sister. Tell her. Can she take the honesty? If no-one is attending abroad then she needs to hear that no-one is likely to shell out on a glorified party for her.

MrsHathaway · 24/01/2018 14:29

So she's having a hen do instead of a wedding? That's not the daftest idea. And 24h total isn't ridiculous if everyone lives within reasonable distance.

She can choose and pay, or she can leave it to you and the others and be paid for.

Justanotherzombie · 24/01/2018 14:30

Well it's normal for brides to have hendo, normal to be over 1-2 days, normal for the hens to pay for the bride.

But it's also normal to have a sister who actually wants to go that for you. So I think YABU. You clearly feel resentful which is a pity. Does she have a friend who could take over?

user1493413286 · 24/01/2018 14:30

I think it’s fair enough; I’d happily go to something like that for one of my friends but in my experience the bride pays for herself as obviously others are already shelling out enough.
It’s her friends at the end of the day and I would assume she’s alreay said something to them and they’re up for it.

squeaver · 24/01/2018 14:30

If they were planning to host a party when they come back then (almost) fair enough. But she's just trying to be the centre of attention without the hassle of organising a wedding.

I fucking hate hen dos, though.

SavvyBlancBlonde · 24/01/2018 14:30

Missed the pay for her. Cheeky mare! Seriously - reality check before she goes full bridezilla

Original poster
Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 14:31

Singlebutmarried She's got her heart set on it. I've tried to gently suggest that it might be a bit much, but it fell on deaf ears.

Youngmystery Yes, pay for her. Perhaps at the least I should tell her she can't expect that.

I don't know any of her friends, or anyone on the groom's side of the family, so I can't gauge how this might go down.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 24/01/2018 14:31

On the other hand, if people aren't being asked to fork out for a wedding (clothes, hotel, present), maybe they'll be more willing to pay for a hen-do?

It doesn't sound too bad compared with some I've seen on here, provided that it is a sensible budget, the activity is enjoyable, not too far away, and people can just do the evening or just do the daytime.

StealthNinjaMum · 24/01/2018 14:31

That's really embarrassing, I wouldn't be happy about that. I think you'd be reasonable to decline to do this.

ZoeWashburne · 24/01/2018 14:31

Tell her that only people invited to the wedding should be invited to the hen do. A hen do is a gift thrown for you by others, the bride shouldn’t really be dictating any of it other than general ideas.

No is not a naughty word.

TeenTimesTwo · 24/01/2018 14:32

In any emails make sure it says things like "my sister would like to..." so it is clear it isn't you who is potentially being unreasonable.

Mrsmadevans · 24/01/2018 14:35

Put it back to her to do....... her problem. You do realise it isn't going to end well OP, you will have to pay for the shortfall. People won't turn up and you will be left out of pocket .

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/01/2018 14:35

I wouldn’t mind a hen where there was no wedding. She’s rude to expect others to pay for it. Might be useful to email round a poll asking who wants to do lunch @£x per head, dinner @ £x per head, accommodation and transport to wherever @ £x per head. Then if her friends only have appetite for a local simple do then that’s what she can have.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2018 14:37

Just no. 'I won't be organising this. It's not on to expect people to pay for this and you.'

divadee · 24/01/2018 14:40

Why have hen do's become this ridiculous thing of at least a weekend away and loads of activities? Why can't you all just go for a nice meal and a night on the town in your local place?

Weezol · 24/01/2018 14:41

Hang on, she's expecting you to approach people you haven't even met? And to manage it all with no knowledge of their income/preferences etc?

That would be a No from me. It will be like herding cats.

Clutterbugsmum · 24/01/2018 14:44

I'd be telling her that as she is having a wedding abroad with just her and fiance then it is down to her to try and organise any type of hen do she wants. But she can not to expect people to want to come as there is no wedding or pay lots of money to go, or pay a share of her 'hen do'. And that you are under no circumstances prepared to ask for money from people you do not no.