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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hen Do. Reasonable or Not?

123 replies

Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 14:20

My DSis is getting married this year. Her hen do plans are gradually escalating. As it stands now, she wants a night away with dinner, then an activity the next day, followed by lunch. I'm not totally organising it, she's dictating all the venues and activity, but I am expected to send the invites, sort out who's coming and make bookings and collect the money. The issue is that she is getting married abroad, and no one is attending. There will be no reception or party, it's just the wedding abroad with the two of them. I'm cringing at the thought of asking people to shell out for this, plus pay for her. However, my judgement might be clouded by the fact I'm going to struggle to afford it myself, and it's my idea of hell.

AIBU to think that it's cheeky to expect this level of hen do when there is no wedding for people to attend?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/01/2018 14:45

What expat said. I'm cringing.

If it was a small local group of friends who fancied an excuse for a night out it would be completely different.

Are you going to the wedding or is it literally just the two of them? If not then you're not a bridesmaid and you there's no reason you need to organise anything for her.

Just say no.

frieda909 · 24/01/2018 14:45

No advice really, but can I have a moan about another ‘escalating’ hen do in commiseration?

Friend is also getting married abroad. We’re going and it’s costing a fortune for us to get there and pay for accommodation etc. Friend has made all the right noises about understanding this and trying to find ways to cut down the cost in other ways.

She started off saying that she would just have a very low-key hen do, an afternoon at her flat with tea and cake or something like that.

Then we were told that there would be two hen dos. The low-key one at home for us poor skint buggers and a weekend away somewhere glam abroad for all her rich lawyer friends.

Now I know she can do what she likes with her money, along with anyone else who can afford it, but I do feel a bit pissed off at having this kind of two-tier system created which essentially forces half of us to say that we can’t afford it.

To top it all off, the ‘low key’ hen do has now turned into a full-on day out with activities etc which is going to cost a fairly significant amount. Not as much as a weekend abroad, but definitely not the simple tea party that we were originally promised!

I know she’s just excited and she doesn’t mean anything by it really, but I think some people just get really carried away and let these kind of things snowball without stopping to think!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 24/01/2018 14:45

She wants an all bells and whistles hen do (paid for!) and nobody is even going to the wedding Shock
It's not normal to be that self absorbed, is it? Is she very spoiled?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/01/2018 14:47

Actually, I’d be more up for this as there isn’t also a wedding to go to (and spend money on clothes, accommodation, babysitters etc). But I do seem to be swimming against the tide with that thinking.

I also think it’s properly cheeky for a bride to expect everyone else to pay for her while dictating overnight stays, several meals, activities etc.

I think given they are her friends & the grooms family you should tell her she needs to organise this herself as you’re not comfortable with it. She’s your sister, she’ll moan, but she’ll get over it. She’ll probably ask a friend to do it.

Justanotherzombie · 24/01/2018 14:47

Some seriously mean people on here.

Oh wow! A bride expecting a hen do. Cheeky fucker!

Glad my friends and family are nicer. I'd bend over backwards for my friends or my sister either.

mummmy2017 · 24/01/2018 14:47

Why not send an email, saying that DSister wants to do a hen do, and ask people for an idea of what budget they would feel comfortable with.

Justanotherzombie · 24/01/2018 14:48

And maybe she's only dictating because her sister has been to lazy/negative to make any suggestions.

Original poster
Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 14:49

Okay, thank you all. I am seeing her tomorrow and will tell her that she needs to do the asking and organising. I do think it will be awkward that I don't know anyone she's inviting, apart from one other family member from her side. She's going to be completely crushed if no one wants to go.

To whoever asked - I am not going to the wedding. It is just the two of them, no family, no friends.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 24/01/2018 14:49

Really, justanotherzombie? Would you not also expect an invitation to the wedding?

SeaToSki · 24/01/2018 14:49

I think a PP suggestion of sending round a pre email is a good idea.

Hi this is X’s sister, just trying to get an idea of what everyone can manage for X’s hen do in terms of timimgs, costs and activities etc. Could you let me know if you would be able to attend on xyz dates, just evening, all day, overnight. If your budget for everything would stretch to x or y or z. If you would like to join in paying for X as part of her wedding gift. etc

Then collate and see if it matches what she is hoping for. If it doesnt, you need to have a conversation with her

Bearbehind · 24/01/2018 14:50

I don't think 1 night away with a couple of meals and 1 activity is unreasonable by today's hen do standards.

Like a PP I'd actually be more keen to go to this because there's
no wedding to fork out for either.

What is massively unreasonable is for the bride to expect others to pay for her share.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2018 14:51

I see your sister has turned up, Planes Wink.

If she's going to be crushed, then she shouldn't expect people to stump up vast sums to pay for her to have a weekend away.

Redpony1 · 24/01/2018 14:52

Um... do brides plan their own hen do nowadays?
I'm planning my own - i know what i want and i plan to keep costs low for everyone too. It's not unusual?!

I think it's an awful lot of money to spend with no wedding to attend!

Weezol · 24/01/2018 14:56

They always have done. Who has a 'surprise' hen do?

rookiemere · 24/01/2018 14:56

I actually would prefer a hen-do where I don't have to pay for a wedding as well and it is traditional for people to pay for the bride (although I organised my own hen do at an extremely low cost destination and not only did I pay my own share, but also I booked it so I would cover anyone who didn't come).

Sending out the pre-email is a good idea. I think at the least her good friends will want a meal or afternoon tea out to celebrate the event.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/01/2018 14:56

For me it depends on the friend. I have two close circles that we would love to celebrate like this wedding invite or not but otherwise I probably wouldn’t go. I’m not confident on hen’s when I don’t know other people anyway but if it was a special group, all know each other then I would celebrate a marriage (excuse to have a bit of quality time).

thecatsthecats · 24/01/2018 14:57

I don't think her expectations are unreasonable bin terms of what she'd like, but the problem is it has come from her.

If as her family you had said 'totally on board with lone wedding, can we throw you a hen anyway' with that exact itinerary it would have been fine.

Re: bride not paying... I'm actually fine with this, so long as the overall cost is reasonable. I am swayed by having been to about twenty hen dos though, and having paid for the bride at about 15 at least. Now I'm getting married, and all those girls will be coming to mine (which is cheaper than most and not an away do...) So like heck am I paying for myself at this stage!

Idontdowindows · 24/01/2018 14:57

Weird (to me) that a bride would plan her own hen do. We always planned hen dos as surprises for the bride. I didn't know I was having one until two of my cousins showed up to kidnap me.

greendale17 · 24/01/2018 14:57

Um... do brides plan their own hen do nowadays? shock

^Why the shock? I don’t see a problem with it

Mrsmadevans · 24/01/2018 14:58

You are not going to the wedding?
WOW she has got a bloody cheek
Has she got form for this sort of entitled behaviour OP?

rookiemere · 24/01/2018 15:00

I am expected to send the invites, sort out who's coming and make bookings and collect the money - so basically she's expecting you to carry the financial burden if people drop out - people that you don't even know.

I'd send the email out. See how many people are up for it. If there is a hotel involved tell people to make their own booking. If there is a meal then don't go anywhere that requires a deposit - or if they do tell DSIS to stump this up in advance - not you.

Birdsgottafly · 24/01/2018 15:06

If you don't ask people what they are up for, then you don't know. Likewise anyone has the right to organise what they want and then it's up to others to decline.

I (and everyone I know) enjoy a get together with friends, so would be up for what is suggested especially as there isn't a wedding to fork out for.

OP i think that your inability to pay and because it is for your Sister, rather than a mate, is clouding your judgement.

BanyanTree · 24/01/2018 15:06

I agree that it is traditional for the hens to pay for the bride. However, in the past a hen do was going out in your local town having a meal and going round a few pubs in a stupid outfit. Your friends would cover the meal and drinks for you. Your friends paying for an overnight stay, weekend away, spa do or whatever is not on. When did all this start up? Up until 10 years ago I had never heard of hen do's on this scale.

HotelSchmo · 24/01/2018 15:08

I don't like hen dos or baby showers so I go to neither (I didn't want them for me either). Might be a good idea to check if anyone actually wants to go.

Idontdowindows · 24/01/2018 15:08

^Why the shock? I don’t see a problem with it

Because to me the idea that brides plan and organise their own hen do is totally alien.

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