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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Do. Reasonable or Not?

123 replies

Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 14:20

My DSis is getting married this year. Her hen do plans are gradually escalating. As it stands now, she wants a night away with dinner, then an activity the next day, followed by lunch. I'm not totally organising it, she's dictating all the venues and activity, but I am expected to send the invites, sort out who's coming and make bookings and collect the money. The issue is that she is getting married abroad, and no one is attending. There will be no reception or party, it's just the wedding abroad with the two of them. I'm cringing at the thought of asking people to shell out for this, plus pay for her. However, my judgement might be clouded by the fact I'm going to struggle to afford it myself, and it's my idea of hell.

AIBU to think that it's cheeky to expect this level of hen do when there is no wedding for people to attend?

OP posts:
Justanotherzombie · 24/01/2018 16:11

As a few people have mentioned it's not in the slightest bit unusual to pay for the bride on a hen do.

They're not invited to the wedding because it's the tiniest wedding you can do but friends and family do have the chance to mark the occasion on a hen do.....if someone could be arsed to help arrange one.

Honeycombcrunch · 24/01/2018 16:16

Op, YANBU

You are going to have to tell your sister that you won't organise her hen do because you don't want the responsibility of collecting money etc and you can't afford it. I wouldn't be in charge of anything more complicated than a restaurant booking in case people back out at the last minute and I had to cover their costs.

There is nothing wrong with having an elaborate hen do but it's definitely an odd thing to plan when nobody is invited to the wedding!

RosaMalvernHills · 24/01/2018 16:21

This actually sounds pretty normal to me.

Almost all hen dos I've been on have included overnight stay, meals out, maybe an activity or two. And have included people who didn't all know each other.

Organising is just a question of emailing round with proposed dates and plan and estimated cost, giving people the option to come to some or all of the do (or not at all) and a payment deadline prior to booking (so you don't end up out of pocket if people pull out). If lots of people say no/can't afford it, then time for a lower cost plan B.

It's also fairly standard to club together and cover the bride's costs, although this is normally done as a surprise gift, and I'd be a bit Hmm if the bride actually requested/expected it.

It's a bit unusual to invite people not going to the wedding, but not unheard of, and in a way it's nice to give them a chance to celebrate together.

Bearbehind · 24/01/2018 16:22

I think it who pays for the bride depends on the cost of the hen do and the number of people going.

Fair enough if it's just a meal for 10+ people as the extra cost per person is negligible.

If it's a week away for just a few the extra cost would be enormous.

In any event, the main thing is it is for the guests to offer, not for the bride to insist they pay for her.

Idontdowindows · 24/01/2018 16:22

As a few people have mentioned it's not in the slightest bit unusual to pay for the bride on a hen do.

Yep, even in our apparently unusual hen do traditions, the bride doesn't pay a penny :)

Then again, she doesn't get a say either! Grin

RosaMalvernHills · 24/01/2018 16:22

But then if you can't actually afford to go yourself that is another matter. Have you told her this / what did she say?

RosaMalvernHills · 24/01/2018 16:26

@Bearbehind makes a good point on payment. I've just been invited to a hen do where the bridesmaids have suggested an "optional contribution" of £20pp towards the brides costs. No pressure to say yes, and no big song and dance about who has contributed or not. But a nice gesture for a good friend, if you can afford it.

McTufty · 24/01/2018 16:28

I am in the camp of not inviting people to the hen if they’re not invited to the wedding. It has the hallmarks of I want you to spend loads attending a hen party to make me feel special but I don’t want to spend the money on inviting you to the wedding.

That said, I would probably go if it was a good friend.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 24/01/2018 16:40

I agree with PP, if the bride expects to be paid for then she doesn't get to dictate what it entails/costs.

Original poster
Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 17:12

You're her sister: which is more her? The desperately retiring one or the three-ring circus one? Who is putting her under pressure to have the "wrong" kind of do for one of the two events?
I wouldn't describe her as either really. Both her and the groom wanted a small wedding to keep costs down. They couldn't decide on a guest list small enough, so they went with this instead. It's a place where they holiday every year anyway.

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsakereturns · 24/01/2018 17:18

Surely the whole point of a hen/stag is for wedding guests to get to know each other before the wedding day.

It’s absolutely pointless if no one is going to the wedding. If it’s a way of celebrating the wedding without actually inviting them as guests, then the bride should be contributing.

Original poster
Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 17:19

But then if you can't actually afford to go yourself that is another matter. Have you told her this / what did she say?
I'm going to struggle to afford it but I will go, it's my sister. Yes, she knows money is an issue for me. If she ever wants something she can't immediately afford she puts it on a credit card, and can't get her head around not doing that. She couldn't grasp why I didn't go on holiday last year. "I can't afford it" just doesn't compute.

OP posts:
Sweetpea55 · 24/01/2018 17:53

It could turn out that there will just be the two of you,,if everyone else thinks shes a cf

ClareB83 · 24/01/2018 18:21

I think you're being mean OP. All she wants is a pretty normal hen do and every hen do I've been to the bride doesn't pay.

I think you just don't want the hassle of organising and you should just see if your sister has a friend who might be kind enough to do this for her instead of you.

I'd be more than happy to go to a hen do even if I wasn't going to the wedding as it was abroad. Saves all the cost of going to the wedding and presumably most wont get them a wedding gift either.

Surely she has a friend who might be on the same wavelength as her and could do this instead.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 24/01/2018 18:27

As a few people have mentioned it's not in the slightest bit unusual to pay for the bride on a hen do.

Very unusual for the bride to demand it, though. I don't do hen dos but if a friend has a birthday meal I will always pay for her. But if I got an invite saying "My birthday meal is £X per head and you'll be paying for mine so it's £X total" like hell would I go.

Ellisandra · 24/01/2018 18:30

I don't think it's a big deal to still have a hen do when there's no wedding for the guests.

I do think expecting others to pay for her takes the absolutely flaming piss though! Even if there was a wedding to go to, paying for the bride on the hen should be the initiative of the guests not your money grabbing sister!

I'd keep it simple "oh sis, I hate asking for money! And I don't know anyone - so I'll leave that to you".

She can hardly complain that she's too busy with wedding planning!

Then when she sends you details, decide what you can afford and skip the rest. Skip the lunch, for example.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2018 18:33

'I'm going to struggle to afford it but I will go, it's my sister. Yes, she knows money is an issue for me. If she ever wants something she can't immediately afford she puts it on a credit card, and can't get her head around not doing that. She couldn't grasp why I didn't go on holiday last year. "I can't afford it" just doesn't compute.'

Then if you agree to organise this, book it, 'collect money' she will expect you to stump up when people don't pay or turn up. Just be honest and tell her she's being unrealistic and suggest a meal out somewhere with everyone paying for their own.

YouTheCat · 24/01/2018 18:33

The last hen do I went on was a load of boozed up women (me included) on the Tuxedo Princess in Newcastle. I don't get all this 2 day hen do nonsense.

I'd tell her to sort it herself and make it one, affordable night out.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 24/01/2018 18:35

People aren't going to be amused at the thought of an OTT hen do plus paying for the bride when not actually going to the wedding!

I don't get this pay for the bride thing, I paid for my hen night myself as didn't think it fair that guests should have to pay to attend.

taskmaster · 24/01/2018 18:59

As a few people have mentioned it's not in the slightest bit unusual to pay for the bride on a hen do

It most certainly is, especially when its a whole weekend affair. and when the guests paying don't even get to go to a wedding.

Feb2018mumma · 24/01/2018 19:04

Every hen party I have been to everyone else pays for the bride and at my hen party my friends paid for me? With my sister she didn't say what she wanted and I arranged a overnight spa with dinner for everyone, some of the hens were upset wasn't abroad or a long weekend so I do think people expect hen party's to be alot now a days! If you can't afford it then find a cheaper option and as your sister she should understand your point of view and financial situation?

Original poster
Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 19:28

I think you're being mean OP. All she wants is a pretty normal hen do and every hen do I've been to the bride doesn't pay.
I wasn't sure if I was being disproportionately negative, or even mean, about it. That's why I posted, to get some perspective.

There does seem to be a disconnect between hen do expectations. In my circle of friends it's been dinner and/or a night out. To some people a night away etc seems the norm, which is interesting and makes my Dsis seem less OTT.

A large chunk of people on here do think her expectations are cheeky though. And I'm uncomfortable asking people I don't know something which I agree is cheeky.

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 24/01/2018 19:56

Yes you need someone who knows the group better or is more confident to do this instead.

Andylion · 24/01/2018 21:52

Ohforfoxsakereturns. Surely the whole point of a hen/stag is for wedding guests to get to know each other before the wedding day.

This is a good point: what is the function of a hen? I always assumed they were the bride's version of the stag. In Canada, I've only ever heard of them called "stagettes".

I don't consider hens/stags/stagettes to be a celebration of the wedding, but then I have been to few weddings.

CommonGrounds · 24/01/2018 22:05

Well it's normal for brides to have hendo, normal to be over 1-2 days, normal for the hens to pay for the bride.

It really isn't!