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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hen Do. Reasonable or Not?

123 replies

Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 14:20

My DSis is getting married this year. Her hen do plans are gradually escalating. As it stands now, she wants a night away with dinner, then an activity the next day, followed by lunch. I'm not totally organising it, she's dictating all the venues and activity, but I am expected to send the invites, sort out who's coming and make bookings and collect the money. The issue is that she is getting married abroad, and no one is attending. There will be no reception or party, it's just the wedding abroad with the two of them. I'm cringing at the thought of asking people to shell out for this, plus pay for her. However, my judgement might be clouded by the fact I'm going to struggle to afford it myself, and it's my idea of hell.

AIBU to think that it's cheeky to expect this level of hen do when there is no wedding for people to attend?

OP posts:

Racheyg · 24/01/2018 22:21

Wtf the hens pay for the bride to be?!?? That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

greeeen · 24/01/2018 22:30

Hen do sounds normal to me, every one I've been on the hens pay for some part (like a nice dinner or spa day) for the bride but have never the whole thing.

Pannacott · 24/01/2018 22:41

This sounds totally normal to me.

You've got everyone's details. You set up a what's app, Facebook group or group email. Describe possible plans and costs. Ask if guests would like that - gauge the demand. Ask for alternatives if not. Once a plan is formed, ask for costs upfront before booking anything so you are not out of pocket. Leave it vague re whether you are paying for bride or not - other guests will usually volunteer, it is the done thing.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 24/01/2018 23:14

She’s asking them to celebrate her marriage without inviting them to the wedding essentially. And pay for themselves and her, on her terms, and she doesn’t contribute?

It’s not an invitation i’d accept personally.

taskmaster · 24/01/2018 23:25

This sounds totally normal to me

Really? How many hen dos have you been to where you weren't invited ti the wedding? And you were supposed to pay for everything for the bride?
I'm gonna guess 0.

Pannacott · 24/01/2018 23:31

Taskmaster

Pay for the bride - all of them.

Invited to hen do but not wedding - none. But in this case it really wouldn't bother me, I'm not personally being excluded (no guests). I'm not having to pay to attend a wedding.

The hen do sounds fun, and is opt-in. If most guests find it too expensive, they tell the OP and they organise something cheaper.

Halfdrankbrew · 24/01/2018 23:41

One of my best friends had a very small wedding, originally it was going to be just the two of them eloping, but ended up them with immediate family. She didn't have a hen do and I have to say I was a little bit sad she didn't as I would have loved to celebrate her getting married even if I wasn't going to be at the actual wedding. The hen do your sister has planned does seem pretty standard really and I've never known a bride pay for their own hen do (though I did offer to pay for my own to keep costs down for everyone, they said no!).

I can see where you are coming from feeling awkward inviting people to a hen do without a wedding invite, but if it was a close friend I'd pay to go personally.

StylishMummy · 24/01/2018 23:44

Short hen do, one day or night, hens pay for bride. Long weekend galavanting, bride covers her own costs. This is how my circle have always done it

LondonSouth28 · 25/01/2018 03:15

I had to organise a hens do once where I knew some of the friends would be happy to come along and spend what ever and some would be very restricted on what they would want to spend, so I gave options. In the afternoon there was the option of coming along for a spa day - the hens could easily get out of this without having to say 'can't afford it' it was presented as an optional and very much that you needed to actively opt in for it. We then went for dinner at a restaurant with a set price menu and I made sure drinks were paid for in light of what people drank and I made this clear up front that this would be the case. This was made easier to convey by the fact there was 1 pregnant hen so I used her non drinking as the reason we were distributing drinking costs fairly - it was a faff to work out on the night but I felt had to be done to allow for those that were on a budget. I also didn't make the hens do a night away so that people didn't have to pay for accommodation, I also offered to accommodate ("on the sofa") some guests who travelled from slightly further away to attend and ensured others would step forward to accommodate another hen if need be. However, as you can possibly sense this took some planning and very tactful and careful managing plus the hen was aware of all of this and very much did not want people having to spend hundreds on her hen do - we both knew the obliged feeling from hens we had been to of having to go along with organised and expensive 'fun'!

GreenTulips · 25/01/2018 04:10

You'll end up with 15 people saying yes - you'll book it and 5 will drop out - you'll then have a shortfall and need to ask for additional costs from the remaining 10 guests -

You'll be out of pocket and these people don't know you ... so won't care

Tell your sister to give options - and make sure they pay for themselves

Bride is cheeky to expect her weekend to be fully paid for when there's no wedding to attend

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/01/2018 05:23

The last hen do I went to was a night away. We stayed in a big house, cooked dinner together and breakfast the next day. We went out for ice cream and a walk round the local quaint town. The hen paid for herself. What we did was obviously far lower budget than a lot of hen dos. But we all went away, met and got to know the other hens and had a good time without it costing the Earth.

I think several meals out, activities and paying for the bride are all too much. Fine to pay for the bride if it’s just an evening but not staying away, bells and whistles.

PastaOfMuppets · 25/01/2018 06:12

So the reason why they have no guests at the wedding is because they didn't want to pay for it

And now she expects a big hen party and for everyone to pay for her

She is being a hypocrite - these people aren't good enough for her to put on a wedding but are good enough to pay for her to celebrate? If she wants a big celebration she should have thrown an engagement party or post wedding party back home and invite everyone.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 25/01/2018 06:12

I think it's absolutely fine for her to have a hen do when no-one is invited to the wedding. If I was a close friend/sister, I would actively want to arrange one for her.

Personally I just had a meal one evening, but that seems unusual these days unfortunately, so I can't see that her expectations are that way off. Again, the weekend hen dos I've been on have all paid for the bride (I paid for myself at mine I might add!).

I think basically, if she has a group of friends who love her, they'll be happy to do this. If she doesn't, they won't.

I do think you should refuse to assume people are happy paying for her though. Unless the other guests suggest this, it's massively crass to go into that as the default position.

Balaboosteh · 25/01/2018 07:11

Don’t know where you’re placed but would you consider paying for her yourself and making that your wedding present to her?

GreenTulips · 25/01/2018 07:50

I'm going to struggle to afford it myself

It's in the OP

gamerchick · 25/01/2018 08:12

Don’t know where you’re placed but would you consider paying for her yourself and making that your wedding present to her?

That’ll work considering the OP is going to struggle to pay for herself.

You can tell those who were a bit of a CF themselves when it was their own wedding though

OP you have a couple of choices. Suck it up and will it to be over or tell her you can’t organise something so expensive with people you don’t know when she’s not even having a wedding. She’ll have to organise it herself.

BlindLemonAlley · 25/01/2018 08:29

If she’s not having a wedding or bridesmaids then she shouldn’t expect you to organise her hen do. Leave her to do the inviting and organising.

Idontdowindows · 25/01/2018 08:48

I think it's absolutely fine for her to have a hen do when no-one is invited to the wedding.

Same here. For us, hen dos are not linked to the wedding. They're a way of spending a (last) night out as a carefree woman who is about to get married. A last hurrah, so to speak.

SchoolMoney · 25/01/2018 09:01

OP do you know about how much it would cost people and how many she wants? Would it be easier for her to understand if you said 'Well would you be happy paying £100 for 10 hen dos where you weren't even invited to the weddings?'.
For other people saying what's normal, I had a small wedding(just family) and my hen was small and no one was expected to pay. I would have felt grabby as feck if they had.

StealthNinjaMum · 25/01/2018 13:40

There does seem to be a disconnect between hen do expectations. In my circle of friends it's been dinner and/or a night out. To some people a night away etc seems the norm, which is interesting and makes my Dsis seem less OTT.

I have been to both sorts of do's - the more lowkey dinner / night out ones and the night away / spa. For a more expensive one people have time to save up and organise childcare, transport, smart clothes etc. When I went to a spa for one hen night I think the bride paid her share as it would have been a couple of hundred pounds split between about 6 of us.

Where I think your sister is being cheeky is that it's an expensive hen do, without much time to save, she is expecting people to pay for her, and isn't even inviting people to her wedding. If she is trying to have a cheap wedding herself then it seems selfish to not consider that other people are also on a budget.

I also agree the purpose of a hen night is for guests to get to know each before the wedding day. One couple I know organised a pre-wedding barbecue for both sexes with the same function and it was a lovely wedding as we knew lots of people. There was also a hen / stag night but as I was going as dh's partner I wasn't invited to the hen night.

squeaver · 25/01/2018 16:02

Seriously, why would anyone want to shell out a significant amount of money to spend two days with people they don't know/have never met before?

It's such a strange way to spend your time and money.

snash12 · 25/01/2018 16:16

She is a CF!

In the hen do's I've been invited to it is the norm for everyone else to pay for the bride, but when they're not going to be invited to the wedding? No way!

I personally wouldn't go and if this was my sister I'd tell her to have a reality check!

Gemini69 · 25/01/2018 16:21

this Bride is having a LAUGH

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