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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Do. Reasonable or Not?

123 replies

Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 14:20

My DSis is getting married this year. Her hen do plans are gradually escalating. As it stands now, she wants a night away with dinner, then an activity the next day, followed by lunch. I'm not totally organising it, she's dictating all the venues and activity, but I am expected to send the invites, sort out who's coming and make bookings and collect the money. The issue is that she is getting married abroad, and no one is attending. There will be no reception or party, it's just the wedding abroad with the two of them. I'm cringing at the thought of asking people to shell out for this, plus pay for her. However, my judgement might be clouded by the fact I'm going to struggle to afford it myself, and it's my idea of hell.

AIBU to think that it's cheeky to expect this level of hen do when there is no wedding for people to attend?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/01/2018 15:11

I am not going to the wedding. It is just the two of them, no family, no friends.

Then you really, really, really have no obligation to do her admin. That's what's going on, she wants an unpaid PA and you're the one she's chosen.

She's not even organising a wedding, so the least she can do is organise her hen do. Like you say, she's the only one who knows them all.

It'll be much easier for her to guilt people into going if she does the asking herself.

If you did it it would be entirely your fault if you couldn't convince everyone to attend, no matter what the cost and logistics, and she can't shoot the messenger if there isn't one Grin

I'm confused on the timeline. Is the wedding this year? Has she picked a date for the hen, or some options? Do the people she's inviting all know there isn't going to be a wedding? Is the groom having a stag do?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/01/2018 15:12

But who else would do it Idontdowindows, she has no bridesmaids. Because she's not inviting anyone to the wedding. OP hasn't been invited or included, why does she have to do boring organising work?

hellsbellsmelons · 24/01/2018 15:16

I've tried to gently suggest
Gently is not working.
Lay it out for her.
You hate the idea and you don't want to organise it.
It feels awkward as hell and you don't even know the people.

Why are none of you invited to the wedding?
Why just the 2 of them?

Original poster
Planesmistakenforstars · 24/01/2018 15:22

The problem with the pre-email idea is that if I do that then I am definitely going to be doing the admin. I also don't have anyone's contact details yet. I am leaning towards telling her she needs to organise it herself, and gently suggest she needs to be prepared for people to decline.

OP i think that your inability to pay and because it is for your Sister, rather than a mate, is clouding your judgement. This is a fair point.

I'm confused on the timeline. Is the wedding this year? Has she picked a date for the hen, or some options? Do the people she's inviting all know there isn't going to be a wedding? Is the groom having a stag do? Wedding is in August. She's got some options for the dates, but hasn't told me them yet. I don't think everyone knows about the no invites, so I would probably have to explain that. I don't know if the groom is having a stag.

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 24/01/2018 15:23

This sounds like a fairly normal hen do among my friends and family FWIW.

Eloping is a bit more unusual but I'm surprised it's being received with such hostility given that MN usually favours tiny cheap weddings.

((Everyone saying "a bride traditionally shouldn't plan their hen do!" - if a "traditional" hen do is just a local pub crawl, surely nobody planned it at all? and nothing was a surprise? just the same night, over and over for a whole bunch of friends?))

Idontdowindows · 24/01/2018 15:23

But who else would do it Idontdowindows, she has no bridesmaids.

Family. Sisters, cousins, I had 2 second cousins and a cousin once removed at my hen do.

Like a baby shower. Organised by a relative or friend.

I mean, hen do and wedding were totally different things and the one was not connected to the other. We organised surprise hen dos for a friend who we knew was eloping and her sisters lived abroad, so female friends stepped in.

Funny how things are different everywhere :)

timeisnotaline · 24/01/2018 15:24

I can’t imagine being invited to a hen when I wasn’t invited to the wedding. Explain people may be offsides by this. Also if you are struggling to afford it be honest - say I can prob spend about £200 so sounds like I can only go to a part of it.

barefoofdoctor · 24/01/2018 15:25

I got roped into organising a hen do once. What a horrific stress fuelled endeavour. Never again. I'd sooner attend a wedding in Maui then get ensnared in hen do planning. It is a mug's game.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/01/2018 15:29

She can have her hen do, and if I was her friend i'd happily come along. An over night do with an activity, dinner and lunch if fine. I'd even put in for her meal one night. But the rest of it she needs to pay for herself.

She cod send out an initial email with you included asking who would be interested in coming so you have contact details but only if you want to. Perhaps she has a friend who would be happier to help,?

expatinscotland · 24/01/2018 15:30

You will be stuck paying for all of this if you go there. Suggest a meal out and drinks. Everyone pays for themselves.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/01/2018 15:32

I think it’s different thing being invited to a hen and not the wedding when no one else is invited to the wedding. I think it’s more acceptable as it’s just celebrating your friend rather than them being grabby iyswim.

Worst case you ask and they say no...

Magstermay · 24/01/2018 15:33

There are some very joyless people on here! OP just because you feel it is unaffordable, which is perfectly reasonable, you have no idea if others will think the same if you don’t know them. I’ve organised a hen do with people I didn’t know and it’s simply a case of emailing with an idea of a plan and cost. If people can’t attend/ can’t afford it they can let you know, if this is the majority THEN you can suggest to your sister than an alternative would be sensible.

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable of your sister to ask you to organise it, or for her to want one. She is, however, BU to expect people to pay her share. I also think she should make sure everyone knows there is no wedding invite before they accept going to the hen do. It generally wouldn’t bother me but I’d like to know in advance personally.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/01/2018 15:33

True Idontdowindows Smile

And I had a tiny family-only wedding and a hen do.

But it was my 4 closest friends, who are all local and meet up regularly and love an excuse for a night out. No one organised it though, we just picked a date, someone booked a restaurant, we all got dolled up and I paid for dinner.

The idea of paying for the bride, when she's not even buying you a meal at her wedding, is daft.

Bluelady · 24/01/2018 15:40

Hen do and no wedding? Win, win! Wish everyone did that.

Nanny0gg · 24/01/2018 15:42

normal to be over 1-2 days

Really?

Thank god I'm old.

Justanotherzombie · 24/01/2018 15:43

A 1 or 2 day hen is certainly the norm from the last 20 or so I know of.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 24/01/2018 15:45

I'd first tell her again that it was a bit cheeky to expect people to pay and if she insisted I'd say fine, but I'm going to word the email in such a way that everyone knows I'm asking them to pay because you want me to. Then draft something like "xxx would like the cost of her meal and activities shared amongst you so final cost would be £xxx each"

MiddleClassProblem · 24/01/2018 15:45

Weekend is normal. Bits normally get to go abroad though so it’s still not balanced imo! We’re just a bit more sensible.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 24/01/2018 15:46

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mindutopia · 24/01/2018 15:46

I don't know what's the norm in terms of hen do ettiquette as I've (thank god) never organised one. But my dh has organised several stag dos and that sounds pretty standard to me, with the exception of inviting people who aren't invited to the wedding. With the stag dos he's done, it's been pretty much the norm for the guys to all contribute so the main costs for the stag are covered (usually flight and accomodation and the one main activity). Usually it's a weekend, two nights, with a full day of activities during the day. And it's rare he's known most of the guys he invites. People invite friends to their hen/stag dos from all parts of their life, so unless someone has a pretty small circle of friends, it's normal in my experience for most of them not to know each other (at least among the guys, as it's school friends, uni friends, work friends, future BIL/FIL, etc.). So none of that seems odd to me.

It does seem weird to intentionally not invite people to the wedding who are invited to the hen do, but at the same time, if you aren't having a big wedding or people can't come to your wedding, it's still nice to celebrate with friends. I didn't have a 'hen do' but I did have a bit of a party/dinner at my mum's house for friends. I was getting married abroad (live and got married in the UK, but not from the UK, so family/friends live elsewhere). They were all invited to the wedding, but only two of my friends from home could come because of the expense. But it was still nice to see them and celebrate with them (close to home where it was affordable to them) because they couldn't afford to come to my wedding. But I organised it myself and it didn't cost anyone anything (except my mum who catered for it and let people sleep over after) as it was just a dinner and cocktails at her house. So I think it's still a lovely thing to do, but if you feel it's OTT and don't want to organise, just say so or make some suggestions for something simpler. You may find though that in organising it, people aren't keen to do that anyway and you won't get enough rsvps and you'll end up doing something different anyway.

mydietstartsmonday · 24/01/2018 15:51

I think she wants people to make a fuss of her and make her feel special. Her Hen Do is really her wedding as no one will be there. I suspect deep down she is regretting this.

You do need to tell her she is being OTT. Scale it down and she has to contribute a fair whack to be honest and I think the invite should come from her.

Maybe a pub with her putting money behind the bar.
Personally the trend of having a hen do overnight & beyond is ridiculous but hey ho I am getting old.

bananagrabber · 24/01/2018 15:54

A hen do is a gift thrown for you by others, the bride shouldn’t really be dictating any of it other than general ideas.

Is this common consensus/a new thing? For mine I invited a bunch of friends out for a meal. Would have thought it quite weird to expect someone else to do it!

MiddleClassProblem · 24/01/2018 15:56

I don’t think it’s a gift. It can be arrange any which way. It’s just a celebration. Just like you can have birthday surprises or organised by someone else you can also do it yourself...

MrsHathaway · 24/01/2018 16:00

On reflection I find it odd that the kind of person who would want a witnesses-only wedding could also want a full-on hen do with dozens of friends and multiple things.

You're her sister: which is more her? The desperately retiring one or the three-ring circus one? Who is putting her under pressure to have the "wrong" kind of do for one of the two events?

taskmaster · 24/01/2018 16:02

Some seriously mean people on here. Oh wow! A bride expecting a hen do. Cheeky fucker!

Did you miss that she expects her guests to PAY FOR HER? Hotel, dinner, activity, lunch...she expects that all for free and she isn't even inviting any of them to the wedding?
Of course she is a cheeky fucker!