Would it BU to ask the teacher to remind DD to go to the loo before hometime?

[Natsku]

DD nearly always forgets to go to a wee before she leaves school and then she ends up desperately needing it while on the walk home and the last few days she's come home soaked from wetting herself (which is not just unpleasant for her but verging on dangerous as I expect walking in wet clothes increases the risks of hypothermia and it's been -15 lately in the afternoons)

I'm not there to remind her myself as she walks alone and I just physically can't go to pick her up at the moment because my SPD is too bad and no amount of reminding her in the morning seems to help her remember by hometime, but I'm worried it would be a bit unreasonable to ask the teacher to take responsibility for reminding her as she is probably very busy at hometime and I don't want to be that parent (I'm worried I already am for some other reasons and don't want to be more of a bother) but fed up of washing DD's snowsuit every day and her skin on her inner thighs is getting really sore from the wee and the wet trousers rubbing on her.

The suggestion that she should be encouraged to go behind a bush is a good one. It's something I helped my younger DD with once (she was 4 at the time). She took a lot of convincing. Your DD would be embarrassed to do it with her friends but it would be preferable to wetting herself.

Where I live in Norway it is normal. In other parts of Norway it probably isn’t. Where some posters friends and relatives live it isn’t. There may also be parts of Finland (like where the OP lives) and Denmark where it is. You cannot extrapolate a blanket rule for the whole of a country from a couple of people you know who live there. It’s like saying a child you know in the Highlands is driven to school and therefore that should be the norm for all children in London.

You cannot extrapolate a blanket rule for the whole of a country from a couple of people you know who live there.

No you're absolutely right and neither can anyone else on these thread who tells us we are wrong question OP's culture.

I don't care what anyone else said on this thread or whether it is a Finnish 'thing' or not it, I still think that it is not right that a wee girl of six is trekking through a forest on her own.
Because Finland is so northerly is it dark when she is walking to and from school ?

The OPs making it sound like the whole of Finland is like that and that there’s 5 or 6 year olds doing this journey and it’s totally normal whereas it isn’t.
I’ve no idea where the OP lives but it must be incredibly rural if there’s not even a bus to take the dd even part way from school.

I actually said it’s up to her and her family if this is what she chooses to do but I think it’s more a case of there’s no other option. She’s said herself she’d walk with her dd if she could but she can’t. And she can’t drive.

And at the end of the day her dd has said she’s scared so who bloody cares about the culture, it’s not part of Finnish culture to make 6 year old scared.

And totally agree facts have changed s bit from OP.

What facts have changed? I explained quite clearly that the walk in the morning is a lot quicker than in the afternoon because in the afternoon she's walking with her friend and going much slower. I didn't know at first when in the journey she was wetting herself, had assumed it was far enough away from the house to cause her trouble because of the rash on her leg but she said it was near when she gets home, and there was the time it happened as she got in the door.

Not everything is the same everywhere, preschools vary the most in this aspect as some are attached to daycares and so they require parents to pick up and drop off while some are attached to schools and don't require that, and some parents don't think their children are ready yet at that age, especially the younger ones in the class. I'm not surprised DD's classmate isn't walking alone this year as she's on the other side of the main road near us and DD is not allowed to cross that by herself either as it's a national speed limit road.

She has already been kidnapped once in her life though, hasn't she Natsku, by her bio dad and grandparents. And your current partner accused of sexual assault?

Perhaps you're asking too much of her OP, despite your insistence that you're not.

Eh? Good god no idea what’s going on there but still this is a case of ops dd has no choice either walk by herself or don’t go to school.
The OPS own words.
So no, I don’t think this is normal even for Finland and I don’t think it’s suitable for your dd but this is the only option.

Cultures differ but nowhere in the world does a sensible person want a child to be unhappy.

OP, your child has expressed unhappiness and physical problems that go beyond usual six-year-old whingeing. I understand your own physical problems but you have to get someone to take her to school on dark mornings as she has said she is scared. There may be no rational reason for her fear but six year olds are not rational. She is clearly not coping with what is being expected of her. It doesn't matter what the societal norms are in your part of the world - she is your child.

You could ask a neighbour, but I think your DP should be the first port of call. I'm not impressed that he seemed to forget to raise the issue with the teacher when he picked your daughter up even though you'd asked him. Is he generally a forgetful person like when it comes to meeting clients, say, or does he manage to fulfill those obligations? What did you say to him when he said he'd failed to bring it up?

Oh, that recent post changes things a bit

I'd definitely ask the teacher. Maybe all the kids could be reminded since many may have long walks. I hardly think it is adding to the teachers workload greatly asking her or him to do this.

I'm in the UK so a different culture so you may wish to ignore me. I would definitely buy her a phone and text her daily at leaving time as well.

I know it is a different culture and there are fewer cars etc but I'd not want a six year old walking alone in a forest. If that is what she does, I'd want her to have a phone.

It would at least mean she could call if she had a fall or anything happened.

I'm one sense it is kind of nice that it is normal there but it still doesn't sound good for a young child. Especially one who vs 't remember to go to the loo before leaving school.

The wee and poo incidents suggest she needs some help.

My son has had the whole pooey pants things, it's awful. You have my sympathy. Laxido has helped.

I've not read all the posts but thid one seems very significant.

"OP, your child has expressed unhappiness and physical problems that go beyond usual six-year-old whingeing. I understand your own physical problems but you have to get someone to take her to school on dark mornings as she has said she is scared. There may be no rational reason for her fear but six year olds are not rational. She is clearly not coping with what is being expected of her. It doesn't matter what the societal norms are in your part of the world - she is your child."

I think it is quite rational to be afraid on the dark, alone in a wood.

To have such a long journey and fear and the embarrassment of possibly wetting herself just for 4 hours at school! It's crazy.

As I said above it sounds nice. However, I do feel walking alone, at this age, for me this is completely unreasonable, Especially, if she is scared.

She has already been kidnapped once in her life though, hasn't she Natsku, by her bio dad and grandparents. And your current partner accused of sexual assault?

Her bio dad refused to return her from contact when she was a toddler, his dad made a vague accusation of sexual abuse after the physical abuse claim fell through (we spent 3 days in the hospital having a thorough examination), I took her to be examined for that and the police dismissed the case. A year ago the fear of her bio dad trying to take her was there but he hasn't shown up in a year and a half despite the court ruling he gets visitation so I don't really worry about that any more.

OH is extremely forgetful limited he'll drive her if he can

She has a GPS thing Italian that she can alert me on if there's a problem so I can call her.

'A year ago the fear of her bio dad trying to take her was there but he hasn't shown up in a year and a half despite the court ruling he gets visitation so I don't really worry about that any more.'

Yes, but your daughter might be worried about this - can you not see that? She's been through much more than your average six year old. This walk to and from school, even though it's common, it might be too much for her.

But like you say, the Finnish SS are involved so I'm sure they're helping you make the right choices for your daughter.

This has been an interesting discussion and I'm glad to learn more about Nordic family life, but people have been accused of being over protective and you're defending your choices, but you haven't been honest on this thread about reasons why your daughter has potential anxiety related toilet troubles.

Wishing you all the best.

OP presumably you are English? Is her dad Finnish? and is your partner now Finnish?

OH is extremely forgetful limited he'll drive her if he can

Extremely forgetful is repeatedly leaving umbrellas on the train. Failing to raise an important point your partner asked in connection with the welfare of your six-year-old daughter goes beyond that.

A good dad doesn't drive his child 'if he can' when there appears to be a serious problem. They make sure they do it Or pick up on foot. What did he say when you asked him why he forgot to do what you asked?

I don't think she's worried about that thorny she misses her dad, she doesn't know about all that stuff because she was so young when it happened that she doesn't remember. To her he's her dad that she loves but is too ill to look after her, that's the way she sees it. I suppose I could talk to the social workers about this, if she is holding back some worries from me, her social worker might be able to find out from her. I don't want to bother them unnecessarily but if she still keeps having accidents after I sort out the walk there and make sure she remembers to go to the loo before leaving school then I'll ask them for help.

That's right Vladmir

I have already decided to walk her up to where the lit path starts if OH can't take her, and as soon as I can will walk all the way with her in the mornings. I am sure when it's light in the mornings again she'll be happy walking by herself again - if she isn't then I'll carry on walking. She only said it's a bit scary, not very, and just because of the dark, she still likes the walk home in the afternoon. She might of course not be telling me everything but I'll keep having chats with her.

From the recent updates OP life in Finland seems just as complicated as life in Britain or anywhere else.

I wonder if any of those posters who've raved about packing their bags for the Finnish idyll of cross-country skiing and Swallows and Amazons in the snow will be back.

I wish your daughter well and also wish you well for your impending birth.

Well yes, I'm still here limitedperiod. I'm not stupid, obviously I know that life can be complicated wherever you live. The fact remains that living somewhere where six year olds can safely wander back from school through the snowy forest with their friends, and with overall healthy public attitudes towards children's capabilities and potential for independence, sounds pretty awesome to me. Whether I could cope with the dark, the cold, and the v reserved social norms of Scandinavia is another question. But on this particular question they get it dead right. There is still a sense of collective responsibility surrounding kids out and about that serves them rather better than our English outraged pearl-clutching. Have you seen the well-being measures for kids in Scandinavia compared to here? We should be hanging our heads in shame at them, not being self-righteous about our supposed superior parenting just because kids aren't allowed out on their own before age 10!

@Natsku

"(we spent 3 days in the hospital having a thorough examination), I took her to be examined for that and the police dismissed the case. A year ago the fear of her bio dad trying to take her was there but he hasn't shown up in a year and a half despite the court ruling he gets visitation so I don't really worry about that any more."

I think this all sounds quite worrying really. You may not worry about this but your dd might.

Our son came to us aged three after a year in foster care, so he won't necessarily remember much about his birth family and the neglect he experienced. However, that experience will have imprinted on him even if he doesn't remember it actively. I know your experiences or rather your dd's are totally different but what I am saying is that just because one doesn't actually remember something doesn't mean it has not affected you.

"OH is extremely forgetful limited he'll drive her if he can"

Can you call the school and pass on messages direct to the school without relying on your OH?

Can your OH not explain to work he needs to do XYZ and can make up time later in the day/lunch break/work from home ab it etc? I know not everyone's job allows for this, but some do.

"She has a GPS thing Italian that she can alert me on if there's a problem so I can call her." So the GPS thing will allow you to speak to her and her to you? So it is basically a phone with limited usage? Can you not just call her on it at home time and remind her to to go to the loo?

There is still a sense of collective responsibility surrounding kids out and about that serves them rather better than our English outraged pearl-clutching

I'm all for that. But doesn't Natsku's daughter walk to school alone when she says she doesn't want to? Perhaps some adult neighbours can step up, starting with Natsku's partner.

@Natsku I think your action plan sounds like the exactly right thing to do. Watch alarm and then maybe teacher assist or other alert/notes.

On a completely separate note...

When do you get your baby box? Do you have it already or not until the baby arrives? When you get it can you share the contents with us? I find the whole scheme brilliant and the things in the boxes I've seen before have been lovely.

I think maybe the issue is that you assumed she was happy doing the walk because she was happy before and she felt unable to say she wasn't happy any more because she's been doing it for so long and was happy to do it that it seems silly to now suddenly say she's not happy.

DD is 5. She's been walking alone to school for a year now. Its not far (about 2 minutes) although she has been known to take 30 to get home but she does randomly have days when she doesn't want to go alone or wants to be picked up. Usually if there's been a spat with a friend the day before or she's not slept well for some reason. On those days I make sure DS waits for her and tell him he has to take her to her door or leave her with a friend. And I make sure I go to pick her up (they finish at different times).

How does the friend she walks home with get to school?

As an aside, what temperature is your sauna when DC go in? Mine refuse point blank to come in with me!

I haven't rtft but this seems absolutely crazy a child walking home alone through the forest in the snow at age 7? I'd be more worried about that than the teacher not reminding her.
What country do you live in out of interest?

Apparently the OP lives in Finland.
I got slated on this thread for the same view as you bobstersmum