For wanting to break up with DP over awkwardness?

[UghBugbies]

Hi everyone.
Me and my DP are expecting a child soon, and I already have two children. We have been together a few years. To be honest he kind of forced the whole moving in thing on me saying his dad was retiring and because of X Y Z he had to move out and then became moody when I said I’d help him look for somewhere (no, we aren’t kids but yes he was still living with his parents...). Regardless though, we got along and things were fine, he had made an impression on the kids so I said okay, eventually.
My children are the most important people in my life, so naturally i wanted to ensure they were happy with him, and they were when we went out for days and weeks away, and he was great with them too. It was the most important thing to me... and then he moved in.

Suddenly he treats them like they’re aliens to be tolerated. He doesn’t talk to them, he rarely talks to me in fact. It’s been about 9 months now and he just walks around the house and doesn’t talk to anybody. It’s SO AWKWARD.
If my children say something to him he does this weird thing where he rubs his shoulder or pretends to itch his face and answers with a half laugh (instead of actually answering).
We never so much as touch each other anymore, I mean he doesn’t come near me and so obviously I’ve stopped going near him since he’s being so weird, although maybe I’m expecting too much considering he no longer talks to me unless he’s being super awkward and fake itching his bloody face. Even if I make a joke he itches his face and does the fake half laugh. If I try to engage him in conversation he just rubs his face and says ‘yeah’. I’m going insane over here!

I’ve tried to break up with him several times, assuming he wasn’t happy and wanted out, and he just says he’s happy and he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. In his defence he’s amazing around the house and I can’t fault him much, it’s just his awkwardness and not talking to anybody. It’s REALLY getting me down now, I feel like I’m at my wits end. I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Counselling? If you’re having a baby together I think you should try and work this out. Ultimately though you can end the relationship just because you want to.

Video him and show him. Ask if he thinks it's normal behaviour. Ywnbu to kick him out

Agreed. You need to put an end to this asap

Get rid of him... there's nothing else you can do. He's not right for you. It's a shame for the baby but the best thing for all of you in the long run. You shouldn't be making your kids live in an awkward environment, it's not fair to them. Good luck x

Seems like you've been persuaded into a relationship and living situation (and baby?) that you never wanted. Why is that?
Obviously you have to get him to leave but why are you asking him what he wants? Just tell him! You are allowed to make decisions over your own life!

Sounds grim and that there is relationship.

If you still want to give it a go, then get some couples counselling. Maybe he should rent a room somewhere while this is going on. You don't have to be trapped with him just because you are carrying his baby.

Otherwise, you really don't sound comfortable let alone happy and you and your children shouldn't have to live like that so tell him to move out.

On the surface it sounds like he was still living as a teenager with his Dad and now he is doing the same to you.

No relationship, obviously.

Cocklodger

This sounds incredibly difficult and odd! Does he have friends or family? What is he like with them?

Counselling - if he was fine with them before then he can be fine with them again, you just need to work out between you what's changed. I can't believe that he's put on a show for so long just to get a place to live - just doesn't make sense. If you weren't having a baby together it would be different but you are and so you need to make the effort (as does he).

It sounds like he needed a place to live and, as pp said, presented himself in an attractive light until you caved and allowed him into your home. It sounds like there's no real relationship at all and I'd want him out in your situation, baby or not.

Greensleeves he isn't even that!!

You can end a relationship for any reason. 'This isn't working for me and you need to leave by ...' is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. He sounds horrible.

Why are you having a baby with him?

You said he’s amazing round the house - I would rather have a guy that is amazing with my kids and who wanted to have we’d than what you are describing!

Quite frankly it sounds a bit like hell

We all put our first foot forward at the beginning of a relationship and that is why it’s is crucial to wait a good 4 years before having a child with someone otherwise it’s just pot luck as to whether you picked a good un

You can't live like this when you're finding him so impossible. It's not OK for the kids either. I'd tell him the living together isn't working, and he can't live with you. Leave the relationship itself out of it for now - just tell him he can't live with you and needs to live separately. Then once you've got him out, see how it goes and break up with him from there if you need to.

I have no idea why he's being like this, maybe he's scared the kids will see him like a dad, or expect something from him, and he's terrified of the responsibility or doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with it. But he's refusing to address it, so it's crunch time.

Remember you don't have to be with him, and you don't have to let him stay living with you, just because of what he wants. What you want matters - arguably more, because it's the kids' home too.

I definitely could not tolerate this kind of weirdness around my children.

He needs to move out, back to his parents so that you have some space to decide if this will ever work. Call it a trial separation, but he needs to go.

You are describing a stranger, a very creepy disconcerting stranger. Re reread your post and tell me if this is normal?

No, it isn't, remotely normal.
Something is fundamentally wrong with him or your relationship.
Tell him to go.

Also what's going to happen when he has to parent his own child? Tbh I think him living with his parents might be the best scenario, as he sounds kind of hopeless.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms.

“This is not working, I want you to move out by the end of February “

Of course he is going to tell you that he is fine, he is a man-child, he doesn’t want a relationship, he wants a mother/housekeeper. But it’s not about what he wants, you must tell him, your children are relying on you.

Should say who wanted to have sex with me

I'm so sorry it sounds like he was using you to get somewhere to live and is now regretting it. You can't go on like that, if you think he is still a great bloke then try counselling but really it sounds dead in the water.

Was baby planned - did he go into pregnancy wholeheartedly? I think you have to ask him to go, and thank god its your house so you CAN tell him if needs be. When is your baby due? Do you rely on his income in any way?

The situation sounds awful. It sounds as though he strung you along for quite a while and now there, has his feet under the table. I imagine when the baby is born, he will get worse. I’d tell him things aren’t working out as you expected, he’s not talking to anyone and ask him how he expects to change things. If he won’t/can’t, I’d ask him to move out and you can decide from there if you want to continue the relationship or not.

I know someone, who moved herself and her children in with a partner for a while (children from previous marriage). She/they found it all too intense and he was too set in his ways. They now date and everyone is much happier. She gets to centre on her boys and spend time with her partner when the children are with her ex.

It sounds cringingly awkward and completely bizarre OP.

You and your DC shouldn’t have to live like this, he needs to leave. He’s a grown man and can look after himself.

Thanks for the replies. The thing I don’t understand though is that he has a good job, it’s paid better than mine! He could have gotten himself somewhere else no problems at all. He always told me how awesome children are and how he’s a child himself when it comes to playing with them and built them things with Lego and electronics etc... he’s a teacher so he was great at explaining things, they were really excited when he was around... until he moved in!

He’s a good person in every other respect, despite all this awkwardness which makes him sound (and act) like an awkward turtle. He helps clean (although clearly does resent it, as I found out the other day), and he does jobs around the house... we just might as well be living on different planets. And to be honest, even though I sound highly ungrateful, I really don’t care for all the stuff he helps with when the ONLY THING I really cared about in a relationship was somebody who was good with my kids. I thought I was being SO careful and cautious. Turns out I’m just an idiot.

If I talk to him about this he says “it’s just who I am” but has no answer when I ask why the bloody Nora he wasn’t like that before we lived together!

I understand the comments about why on earth im having a child with him. We’ve been together since early 2014, and honestly I just thought I knew him... I didn’t expect to conceive so early. We haven’t had sex since though, he doesn’t want to be near me or something. I’m happy I’m having a child but obviously my judgement is less than I thought it was, so I don’t have an answer as to why I’m having a child with him other than ... I thought it would be wonderful.
It was his idea originally for the baby. I love babies, and I was brooding over some at a group and he told me I was such a great mother and blah de blah de blah, few months later we decided to go ahead. I always three children, so having one with somebody who was so wonderful with my children seemed like a bright idea. Major eye roll!