For wanting to break up with DP over awkwardness?

[UghBugbies]

Hi everyone.
Me and my DP are expecting a child soon, and I already have two children. We have been together a few years. To be honest he kind of forced the whole moving in thing on me saying his dad was retiring and because of X Y Z he had to move out and then became moody when I said I’d help him look for somewhere (no, we aren’t kids but yes he was still living with his parents...). Regardless though, we got along and things were fine, he had made an impression on the kids so I said okay, eventually.
My children are the most important people in my life, so naturally i wanted to ensure they were happy with him, and they were when we went out for days and weeks away, and he was great with them too. It was the most important thing to me... and then he moved in.

Suddenly he treats them like they’re aliens to be tolerated. He doesn’t talk to them, he rarely talks to me in fact. It’s been about 9 months now and he just walks around the house and doesn’t talk to anybody. It’s SO AWKWARD.
If my children say something to him he does this weird thing where he rubs his shoulder or pretends to itch his face and answers with a half laugh (instead of actually answering).
We never so much as touch each other anymore, I mean he doesn’t come near me and so obviously I’ve stopped going near him since he’s being so weird, although maybe I’m expecting too much considering he no longer talks to me unless he’s being super awkward and fake itching his bloody face. Even if I make a joke he itches his face and does the fake half laugh. If I try to engage him in conversation he just rubs his face and says ‘yeah’. I’m going insane over here!

I’ve tried to break up with him several times, assuming he wasn’t happy and wanted out, and he just says he’s happy and he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. In his defence he’s amazing around the house and I can’t fault him much, it’s just his awkwardness and not talking to anybody. It’s REALLY getting me down now, I feel like I’m at my wits end. I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger and I don’t know what to do anymore.

QuiteLikely5 - he says he is, but doesn’t want to pressure me apparently. The whole sex thing is an awkward situation on its own actually... Around the time I got pregnant, we were trying often... and one time I got angry at him for being pushy. I didn’t want to and he did and he said I’d like it if we did it because it makes you want it more and continued to. Anyway I was angry, and he seemed absolutely distraught once he realised I wasn’t happy with it. He’s apologised but I was even more angry that he didn’t understand why I was so angry with him. He’s since turned into a very timid sex-shy person.

Maybe I over reacted, but I felt like his reaction to it was annoying. Now he’s just confused and won’t touch me without a signed consent form sent via royal service.

If you decide to end the relationship it doesn't sound like him moving back with his parents is an option. Would he look for a flat to rent himself locally or could you help him with that so he can remain close by and be as involved as possible with the baby.

You say you wouldn't allow him to solo parent the baby but nothing you've said on here indicates he wouldn't be capable of doing so and he sounds keen to be involved, his Mum too.

OP the more you say the more bizarre the situation sounds. He sounds like he needs a handhold through very ordinary circumstances. One of my dc has ASD and upon meeting them everyone says "oh you would never know!" He tries very, very hard to be 'normal' (masking) and it is utterly exhausting. When he comes home from school he needs at least 1 hour in his room with the door shut before he can come down and speak. When he gets into the car after school I am not allowed to ask any questions as his head is literally pounding from the effort he has made all day. The only 'giveaway' is tics that he will make when he is slightly more comfortable, or forgets himself.

He's used you for somwhere to live....

Your last post definitely is ringing ASD bells OP!

Your last few posts are full of so many red flags I feel quite anxious for you, not least as the tone is so - happy-go-lucky. I appreciate I'm seeing this as an outsider but he does not sound nice at all and it does not sound as if you fully see this.

Please, now - way before the baby comes - stop seeing 'potential' (another red flag) and this time, don't just 'try' to break up with him (huge red flag - he's far more successful a manipulator of you than you realise, isn't he??) and actually get him out. I don't think you'll have it that easy tbh. He has been very good at presenting himself as hyper mild-mannered. I don't think he really is, I think he has set things up exactly as he wants them, complete with refusing all adult responsibility from the financial to the personal, and he will be very unwilling to having it handed back to him and for 'mummy2' to resign her position.

Fucking hell, the OP says he treats her kids like shit and everyone is tying themselves into knots trying to diagnose this guy and suggest ways the OP can further assist him - after she's rescued him, got him into employment and taken him into her home.

He doesn't behave this way at work!

Cannot believe anyone is suggesting the OP carry on with this man who is shit to her kids.

Regardless of whatever is causing his odd behaviour, op you need to think of the long term effects this will have on all of your children!
If you arent happy and your kids are suffering then its time to tell him to piss off and move out.
Put your kids first and if things can be worked on with this guy by all means give it a go, maybe living apart would suit you better... Its got to be better than this surely!

He's a grown man..if he's worried he's got ASD he can take himself off to the doctor like the rest of us have to....OP..you are not responsible for this person,he is a man ,he is responsible for himself..he needs to move out for your children's sake.

Well, he may be on the spectrum, he may not, he may be hyper introverted, but he seemed to manage through the courting stage.
I think you need to tell him that the refusing to engage, refusing to GROW UP is going to be the end of your relationship. as you refuse to be his Mummy & as an adult need more love & sharing. & the kids need interaction, not ignoring.
He doesn't seem fussed one way or another so you may also need to find him a flat, (as you did everything for him so far.).
He will probably go

I don't thikn you can turn Asperger's n and off like this guy changes his hebaviour.
I agree that the most important thing here is improving things for your dc, adn that sounds like it means your partner moving out.

So he kind of forced the moving in issue, lied about where he lived before that, was fine with your dc before moving in and now ignores them. Sounds awful, OP.

Wait till he is at work..bag his stuff up ,put it in a taxi and send to his parents,change the locks.job done...

expat They're expecting a baby together so it's not as simple as throwing him out and having nothing further to do with him. They're going to have to have some sort of contact for the next 18 years.

The way he's currently acting with her older children isn't acceptable but it doesn't mean he isn't capable of loving and parenting the baby when it arrives.

Op chose to continue the relationship, to allow him to move in, to try for a baby together, to financially entangle herself with him so assisting in finding him somewhere close by to live seems reasonable to me.

He doesn't talk to you.

He doesn't talk to the children.

He isn't acting like a mature adult.

He practically raped you.

Why have you not made him go already ?

So much of what you have said about sounds alarming. This though, is really sad - My children are 7 and 11. They’re very happy, my worry is that they will think his behaviour is normal, but they don’t really talk to him anymore bar a few attempts. He kind of just exists in the background. Your children's (presumably) once happy home has now become an awkward and uncomfortable place to live. That will impact on them day to day. They are probably moderating their behaviour whilst he is around.

I think he needs to leave, either permanently or so that you can have space to re-evaluate this relationship and part you want him to play in this new baby's life.

He doesn't sound like a good role model to your children, and he is definitely not a partner, in the true sense of the word, to you.

The thing that is most worrying is that OP has tried to get out of the relationship on numerous occasions and has been run rings round. She didn't even want him living there and he sulked his way in.

He's perfectly able to apply quite complex emotional gameplay when he needs to.

OP's approach is to be a bit Pollyanna and focus on how hopeless he is in general. But reading between the lines, he is far from that.

It will be interesting to see what he does when push comes to shove.

Sorry OP, bad use of 'interesting' - I sound like a rubbernecker. Not meant like that at all - apologies - just quite concerned for you really.

Yeah well, he sounds a bit rapey too. Terrible behavior by him.

I think expatinscotland is spot on. Yes he COULD have MH issues or Aspergers or whatever. Equally he may have none of them and is just an arsehole. Wanker-Cocklodger-itis works equally as well.

It's irrelevant, you need to get rid for your children's sakes as well as your own.

There is being shit and being shit though. Not replying to someone because of anxiety/being overwhelmed is very different to being nasty or gameplay.
In any case, OP isn't BU to break up, no one need a reason to break up if they want to. However, it might help her to coparent to understand why her baby's father is like that. It might also help her baby understand their father and themselves better when they grow up.

'expat They're expecting a baby together so it's not as simple as throwing him out and having nothing further to do with him. '

Sure it is, because no one is suggesting she have nothing further to do with him, but his living there is detrimental to her children and they have to come first ahead of an adult who treats them badly. It's entirely possible to co-parent with someone you don't live with. People do it all the time.

Choosing to continue a live-in relationship with someone who a) treats your kids badly b) thinks housework is a woman's job and is resentful of doing it c) refuses to engage or communicate when the other partner when issues are raised d) doesn't respect your boundaries (you try to break up with them and they don't take no for an answer; bamboozles you into moving in is classic Cock Before Kids.

It's warped and the kids pay the price. They were there first.

I asked him the questions on the list for the test, and he scored a 40. I didn’t tell him what it was for... I probably should!

I think you need to raise it with him as a possibility
He may realise he's different but not know why which will in turn ramp up his anxiety and everything else, a diagnosis could be a huge sigh of relief for him because then there'd be a reason for his differences.

It's not impossible for NT/ND (ND means neurodiverse and encompasses more than autism) relationships to work, it just takes a lot of effort and understanding on both sides.

It looks as though you've helped him to find his people re work and yes, I agree there are things which you'll take for granted that he absolutely does not know how to facilitate like managing his own money, understanding the subtleties of body language and the process of "how to" with all sorts of things from daily living through to career progression.

At this stage, you both need to have a realisation that things are not how you envisioned your relationship to be and you need to work on realistic expectations of the future for all of you.
You said he treats your kids like aliens, maybe that's because he's only used to being in adult company, maybe he needs to be shown how to respond to them.

You obviously love him, if you think it's worth trying to find a mutually compatible way to live, then go for it. Just because your relationship may be different to your friendship groups' (but I'll bet not much different to his work colleagues' ) you sound as though you've got your head firmly screwed on and you want to make it work for everyone. An NT/ND relationship is not an easy one but it can work if both sides want it to.

Good Luck in finding the right decisions for all of you

He practically raped you

Hold on, where does the OP say she was forced into having sex with him?

OP, I think it's interesting that you describe him as a successful man, when the reality is that he was jobless and living with his parents when you met him and his successes have only happened at your direction. It does make me wonder how much of the persona you fell in love was real, and how much he was just passively letting you mould him into your idea of a partner.

1:40 post.