For wanting to break up with DP over awkwardness?

[UghBugbies]

Hi everyone.
Me and my DP are expecting a child soon, and I already have two children. We have been together a few years. To be honest he kind of forced the whole moving in thing on me saying his dad was retiring and because of X Y Z he had to move out and then became moody when I said I’d help him look for somewhere (no, we aren’t kids but yes he was still living with his parents...). Regardless though, we got along and things were fine, he had made an impression on the kids so I said okay, eventually.
My children are the most important people in my life, so naturally i wanted to ensure they were happy with him, and they were when we went out for days and weeks away, and he was great with them too. It was the most important thing to me... and then he moved in.

Suddenly he treats them like they’re aliens to be tolerated. He doesn’t talk to them, he rarely talks to me in fact. It’s been about 9 months now and he just walks around the house and doesn’t talk to anybody. It’s SO AWKWARD.
If my children say something to him he does this weird thing where he rubs his shoulder or pretends to itch his face and answers with a half laugh (instead of actually answering).
We never so much as touch each other anymore, I mean he doesn’t come near me and so obviously I’ve stopped going near him since he’s being so weird, although maybe I’m expecting too much considering he no longer talks to me unless he’s being super awkward and fake itching his bloody face. Even if I make a joke he itches his face and does the fake half laugh. If I try to engage him in conversation he just rubs his face and says ‘yeah’. I’m going insane over here!

I’ve tried to break up with him several times, assuming he wasn’t happy and wanted out, and he just says he’s happy and he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. In his defence he’s amazing around the house and I can’t fault him much, it’s just his awkwardness and not talking to anybody. It’s REALLY getting me down now, I feel like I’m at my wits end. I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger and I don’t know what to do anymore.

This is just bizarre. How old are your other dc?

What a mess.

No sex since you discovered you were pregnant?!

Very strange!

Super intelligent or not I would hate a life like this.

He clearly takes after his father!

Sounds like he lacks communication skills

How he fooled you for all those early years is also strange too!

This sounds way into a MH issue to me...

In your shoes op I would genuinely ask him for some time apart - a week or two and assess how you are feeling

Ime he is never going to be the man you want him to be. He is complacent and doesn’t feel the need or is totally unable to act how he did previously

Had he ever lived apart from his parents before? Presumably he'd been to University (given that he's since done a masters / PhD) - did he live at home as an undergraduate?

How long had he been unemployed when you met him? It sounds to me as though he wasn't coping with life when you met him (living with parents/ no job), then you encouraged him to do the masters / PhD and he blossomed (he was good at it and it might not have involved much human interaction) but now he's working, and living in a family and completely overwhelmed.

Sorry, just seen that he's been in the army and to Iraq. So he went to Uni, joined the army, came out of the army and then what? Did he work? Why was he jobless when you met him?

He might have limited capacity to cope with people, but when he was doing his masters / PhD, he wasn't interacting with people much and could cope with you and your children. But now he's teaching, he runs out of ability to cope before he comes home to you.

"Sounds like he lacks communication skills"

Yet he's a teacher and was fine until he had her were she relied on him a bit more?

Too much benefit of the doubt going on here. The focus should be on how this is effecting the children, not on solving a puzzle that only he knows the answer to.

He is surrounded by children all day, i'd put money on him not acting like this in his workplace.

X post, i thought that he was working as a Teacher.

Behaviourally it sounds like a mental health problem or asd perhaps (may be hereditary based on what you've said about his father). Your priority is your existing children and unborn child, you have to put them first.

You've obviously tried to make him see that he's not being normal but he can't see the problem in his behaviour so you're not going to get anywhere.

You can't "try and break up with him" you need to actually break up with him, pack his stuff up and change the locks if necessary.

This is an awful situation for your children and you need to get rid of him ASAP and hope he doesn't want a great deal of contact with the baby when it comes if that is how he behaves.

He needs to move out whilst you weigh up what to do.

He does not sound like a together, employed, mature person before you met him, since he met you his life has turned around for the better.

Once he is out, you need a deep conversation about what went wrong. Tell him everything you have told us, he might have some answers for you. He must be aware that things are going badly but maybe doesn't know how to fix it.

You have been together a long time so surely if he had aspergers or similar you would have seen this before now?

Bollocks it's a medical condition. It only came on once muggins here let him get his feet under her table. It doesn't happen at work or he'd have lost his job. Funny that.

Aw, he 'helps' around the house. No shit, he lives there. But he's already resentful of it because obviously he feels this is Your Job.

He treats your kids like shit. He won't communicate.

Stop trying to diagnose him. He's got Wanker-Cocklodger-itis.

This is an absolute no brainer: he has to go. You have to put your kids first before any man.

He targeted you and you fell right for it trying to rescue him. He has no respect for your boundaries, why would he? You don't have any - you tried to break up with him several times and he wouldn't take no for an answer, you didn't want him moving in and he chivied you into that, too.

'Living together is not working. You need to find another place to live by the end of the month.'

You've got 3 kids. You don't need a 4th stroppy teenager/manchild.

It does sound like anxiety, the scratching and little laugh. Tell him that it really bothers you and that he needs to see a GP. Keep in mind that if it is autism, it is genetic so would be good for you to know.

lots going on here OP, sounds like you have been together for a while and there have been signs. I'd be hard pressed to say which way to go based on new info - could be on the spectrum, could be underlying post traumatic stress. Things you've said about him doing coding etc its all pointing to these issues, I think its him that needs counselling tbh. The baby coming could make things worse not better.

Can you sit down and say this is not ok you need to see someone? (I'd say a doctor not a counsellor at this stage) Do you want to stay with him or are you so worried you think this might be the end? Can he move back in with parents for a while? Do you have support for yourself in RL?

expat look up 'masking' in relation to ASD. It's perfectly possible for someone to hold down a job and appear to be ordinary but then need time to process all that at home.

Re previous comments about him possibly being on the spectrum, you could try an online AQ test, just complete it as if you were him, it will give you an indication if he's neurotypical or not. It's not a medical diagnostic, it's only to give an idea of differences and you might see some of his behaviours mentioned in the test that you'd not previously thought about as 'different'.
aspergerly.com/aspergers-test/

If you want to pursue a diagnosis, it's around 18 months to 2 years wait on the NHS for an adult and there's no support afterwards. A private diagnosis is much quicker again, support afterwards is often nothing. You'd have to think long and hard about a diagnosis proving there's a medical reason for his differences, if that would be beneficial to either or both of you.

One thing's for certain, he's not coping with family life. He's obviously able to keep it all together for work in school, but when he gets to the sanctuary of home he's burned out and overwhelmed and just unable to communicate in an ordinary way any more.

Of course, he may have a different problem altogether, but he does definitely have a problem that's resulting in his strange behaviour.

What will he be like when the baby arrives? Has he got any idea of how different his life will be with a newborn? How will he function at work when his home sanctuary is disrupted with sleeplessness and is intermittently and non-predictably very noisy.

If you can't get him to discuss these important questions with you, then implement plans for different scenarios, I think he could end up unable to cope.

Sorry if I miss a question. I really appreciate all these replies!

Sorry he’s a teacher with adults, I should have mentioned that. He works with adult learners, for a big company. They have a scoring system and his is WAY above his peers, so I just assume that he’s a great teacher.

He’s just been on the phone to his friend being all chatty and normal and then hung up, looked at me and asked if I wanted something to eat. He’s currently making an awkward effort because he knows I’m upset about it (I brought it up, again.) it’s things like this that make me think it’s not malicious... but why the change?!

It’s a good point about it being possibly pregnancy related, but he wanted a child so much, and he still says he does. I really cannot imagine (and wouldn’t allow) him to solo parent like he is right now, not a chance!

He’s home only at the weekend, which sounds grand given the situation but it just makes weekends even more awkward and not enough time to improve on it before he’s back off again... but he has been home for a week now, as he also gets course development time. But also a reason why a break doesn’t seem realistic, because we have enough time apart and it doesn’t solve anything.

I don’t really know about Aspergers or similar, I don’t know how I’d have missed it but then again I wouldn’t know how to see it. We have a few friends (from his side) who have aspergers, it seems that his profession (what he teaches, not teaching/training) is a comfortable one for people with these things. I also know a lot of children from the groups we attend who have autism, and honestly it doesn’t stick out at me at all for the most part, so I don’t think I’d know.

Tinty - it definitely became worse when I was pregnant, despite him being very excited at the prospect of having a baby!

My children are 7 and 11. They’re very happy, my worry is that they will think his behaviour is normal, but they don’t really talk to him anymore bar a few attempts. He kind of just exists in the background.

Puremince - I think he only lived apart from his parents when he was in the army. When we first started talking he actually lied to me saying he lived alone, but because I wouldn’t let him to my house he said he was moving in with his mum and I could go there.... then his mum let slip he never moved out. Lol. Cringe. (I obviously wasn’t going to allow a random man into my home I share with my children! It was early on in the relationship. He had to meet them for a long time before he stepped foot here).

And he attended university whilst living with his parents, he lived a train ride away.

When I met him he was umemployed since the army, but he had some odd jobs (helped his friend cut down trees etc). He wasn’t making any money really, but he had amazing talent that was being wasted which is why I pushed him into university and the job... because he could do better and be more stable, and to be honest I wasn’t willing to continue a relationship with somebody who wasn’t doing anything most weeks and seemed happy enough to let me pay for everything! But it’s like he never knew how to do these things, he didn’t know how to find a job and assumed he would never ever get into university. He comes from a below average income family so I don’t think he expected much of himself.

I really don’t know what I want, most of the time it’s to break up with him, and lord knows I’ve tried... but he has the potential to be so wonderful. He just came into this room again and asked me about my sons hospital appointment, it was so awkward but he’s making an effort... a really, really, really awkward effort!

My mum has a partner like this. Was all lovely and chatty and made an effort prior to moving in. Then he moved in and he was a moody git who never spoke and we all felt uncomfortable, constantly. I ended up moving out at the first opportunity.
It changed my life as I supported myself at a young age and didn't get my degree until much later. I always resented my Mum for it. Our home life was fine and relaxed until he came along and I would have stayed at home to study had he not been there.
Our relationships are damaged for it.
Make him move out op. It's really not fair to your kids.

Why are you having a baby with him?

There is always a simple answer to this one.

She’s pregnant and hasn’t decided to terminate.

Also if he resents 'helping' around the house now he won't improve when the baby comes. He'll have to do more then.

I suggest you let him make an effort while living somewhere else.

He had the potential? Op that’s a very dangerous way to think

You guys s just aren’t fitting together anymore!

Could there be someone else?

Is he generous with money?

@ObscuredbyFog - I asked him the questions on the list for the test, and he scored a 40. I didn’t tell him what it was for... I probably should!

Mustlovedogs, I’m really sorry to hear that. That’s not what I want at all

QuiteLikely5 - I don’t know, he guards his phone like his life depends on it but he always has. He also told me he was like that in the past, but I’m not the snoopy type. He doesn’t seem confident enough to cheat to be honest!
He’s very generous with money, in fact he doesn’t even like dealing with it. It goes into an account that he insists I keep the card to, and then gets me to transfer him money for the week. It’s very strange really! Lol. But he doesn’t have the money to do anything other than buy lunch... because he insists on it being that way

(I don’t spend that money though, I have my own. But we usually use his money for things like home improvements etc, so it’s all being spent together)

Have you asked why he is no longer interested in sex?