For wanting to break up with DP over awkwardness?

[UghBugbies]

Hi everyone.
Me and my DP are expecting a child soon, and I already have two children. We have been together a few years. To be honest he kind of forced the whole moving in thing on me saying his dad was retiring and because of X Y Z he had to move out and then became moody when I said I’d help him look for somewhere (no, we aren’t kids but yes he was still living with his parents...). Regardless though, we got along and things were fine, he had made an impression on the kids so I said okay, eventually.
My children are the most important people in my life, so naturally i wanted to ensure they were happy with him, and they were when we went out for days and weeks away, and he was great with them too. It was the most important thing to me... and then he moved in.

Suddenly he treats them like they’re aliens to be tolerated. He doesn’t talk to them, he rarely talks to me in fact. It’s been about 9 months now and he just walks around the house and doesn’t talk to anybody. It’s SO AWKWARD.
If my children say something to him he does this weird thing where he rubs his shoulder or pretends to itch his face and answers with a half laugh (instead of actually answering).
We never so much as touch each other anymore, I mean he doesn’t come near me and so obviously I’ve stopped going near him since he’s being so weird, although maybe I’m expecting too much considering he no longer talks to me unless he’s being super awkward and fake itching his bloody face. Even if I make a joke he itches his face and does the fake half laugh. If I try to engage him in conversation he just rubs his face and says ‘yeah’. I’m going insane over here!

I’ve tried to break up with him several times, assuming he wasn’t happy and wanted out, and he just says he’s happy and he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. In his defence he’s amazing around the house and I can’t fault him much, it’s just his awkwardness and not talking to anybody. It’s REALLY getting me down now, I feel like I’m at my wits end. I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger and I don’t know what to do anymore.

When did he withdraw from you?

Was it after the sex episode or before?

If he is neurodiverse, he may be struggling with the situation in general. Either way, I do think it would perhaps be better to live apart even if you continue to date.

I don’t see massive red flags. I don’t think he sounds very controlling. If he were, he wouldn’t be letting you completely manage his money.

Personally I think he sees you as a substitute parent. His parents said he is lazy. Perhaps meant he needs lots of extra assistance and doesn't behave like the average adult. But no one on the internet can diagnose him.

He targeted you and you fell right for it trying to rescue him

Totally agree with the poster who said that

OP, this guy is doing a proper number on you.
He's mind fucking you and turning you into a willing victim - and you keep allowing this!

As an aspie myself i can recognise some of the traits you describe - however that alone is no excuse for his continued actions and behaviour towards you and your kids.....especially when you've repeatedly brought this to his attention.

Personally, i think he knows exactly what he's doing and what effect it's having on you and your kids - and he just doesn't care so long as his needs are being met and you continue being submissive to him.
It also wouldn't surprise me if he's play-acting the aspie traits to mind-fuck you (you've already noticed he's 'super clever)

You need to step back from rescue mode and looking at him from a romantic viewpoint.
You need to emotionally detach enough from him to look at things clearly - and from a practical level.

ASD or not - he's just too lazy to put the effort into even trying to be a responsible adult or sorting his own life out.....he wants to be mothered and have someone else do all the hard work for him so all he has to do is just 'turn up' and enjoy himself/the good bits.

He lied to you at the very start over something so small - about where he lived.
He sold you a false persona of himself to hook you in - great with kids, wanting a child and relationship etc
He badgered you into letting him move in with you
He coerced you into getting pregnant to manipulate you even further into a co-dependent dynamic - like it isn't bad enough already that you feel compelled to rescue him from his own life
He's used you you to create a fantasy life for himself - one where he can just turn up when he feels like it, only be as involved/hands on as he feels like it, and one where he can just throw money at in order to justify himself/his actions.

The reality he wanted to create is here - yet he's not interested at all and has reverted back to his real self - being physically and emotionally distant from the actual reality

I feel he's either secretly gay with a second life elsewhere during the week, showing up on weekends to keep up the act..........or he's a narcissistic, master manipulator and abuser.

Wake up OP, he's even got you believing your own kids are not being harmed by his actions/presence in your life!

Your descriptions of him have made my skin crawl. Before you shared some details I could have sworn you were talking about a guy I used to know (who I let manipulate and use me without even realising it)

Imagine how your kids feel having him in the house when he makes strangers over the internet crawly and uncomfortable?

It's often the smart, awkward ones that pull us in with our protective instincts and their adorable quirks and then turn into creepy manipulators.

Goodness this is a difficult one. I think the first thing would be to raise the possibility of Aspergers/ASD with him and see what he says. Perhaps involve his parents? If he is undiagnosed that might be really useful for him and his future and give you a better understanding of your relationship with him going forward as you are having a child with him [disclaimer: I have absolutely no experience with either Aspergers or ASD so you may be much better off listning to more knowledgable posters].

In terms of your own future and the future of your children I suspect that you know what you have to do but feel bad doing it, and as a good and decent person that makes you hesitate.

Get rid of him. My dad had mental health problems and used to do the no talking thing for months on end. Obviously different to your situation, but it WILL affect your kids or it will affect you and then your kids. I say this as someone who has had a lot of issues, along with my brothers, because of my dad. Put your kids first not him. My mum always put my dad first, no matter what he did, please don't be that mum.

This sounds very difficult and strange. As said, there could be a number of different reasons for his behaviour inc MH and ASD etc, but my feeling is that you would be best to ask him to move out sooner rather than later to avoid any deeper issues for your kids and your home - I don't know what the legals would be but you don't want him to be able to make any claim on your home (eg of he pays anythign towads the rent/ mortgage). Certainly I think you would be better off with him having moved out by the time the baby is born so that he cannot use that as an argument to stay.

Him not being able to engage with your children is just too much, whatever the reason and whether he intends to be malicious/ strange or not. It is not fair on them at all and they need to be safe and well treated in their own home. I would be tempted to video his behaviour just in case. But essentially, if you don't want to be with him then you dont have to justify that reason.

It is very hard to see that he has any particularly redeeming features or that you even really love him - the real him that is. You don't owe him a place to live and he clearly has the means to support himself so you needn't feel any guilt over asking him to leave.

Perhaps counselling would be helpful seeing as you will have a baby together (and it sounds like he will need help to be a good parent) but you don't have to be in a realtionship for that.

My feeling is that if he moved out, you and your kids would breathe a sigh of relief and start to get back to your normal lives and he can continue to work on his issues if he wants to. The longer you leave it, the harder to might get to ask him to leave, and the more damage that can be done.

How weird you've never seen this side of him in all these years.

How old are you dc?

I agree with pp’s

He knows exactly what he’s doing.

I dated a Phd student (so clearly smart) and ostensibly “normal successful guy” who did the whole “latching onto me with vulnerable behaviour then acting like a weirdo”

He was “struggling” (allegedly ) with stress and anxiety on his course, and of course I tried to be helpful.

But after a while it was clear he wanted me to be Mummy (refused to get support from other sources and cried like a child every now and then if I wasn’t responding to his messages immediately)

Like yours he was trying to get me to mother him (and ideally move into my flat/take over my life) by stealth - he’d be very charming and boyish and then just “shut down”.

Funnily enough these “shut downs” never occurred at a time inconvenient to his own needs!

He acted like he wasn’t in control, was vulnerable etc, but he knew full well what he was doing!

His goal was for me to be socially isolated, to inflict himself on me, and then I’d just be carer/housekeeper to a fucking weirdo (as his weird behaviour would put everyone else off socialising with me)

Essentially. He’s a weirdo. And a creep. Get him out. He will no doubt come up with some new plan to stay. Ignore this.

Talk to his mom, I'm sure she knows more.
He likely has no idea what carrying for a baby actually entails. I think the two of you would need a lot of work and changed expectations to continue together. It's for you to decide if you can live like this. Can you tell him to get an apartment and (if it suits you) you can still manage his money and such! But just live apart?

I wonder if he is hiding something? Another girlfriend during the week?

Hmm I don’t know. OP sounds like you very much started directing his life from the beginning- in 3 years you’ve got him to university, a masters and a job, he’s moved in (seems like he wanted that one but it seems likely he was coming pretty dependant after you turned his entire life round) and now you look after his money etc... there is a huge difference between someone who went into the army then came back to mum and dads and someone who had a job a home and 2 children from a previous relationship, emotionally and maturity wise.

I think some posters are getting carried away making him into some kind of threat to you as it’s clear from your words and tone you don’t view him as that.

It doesn’t seem likely the relationship can work but blimey what a mess. He’ll go back to his parents many miles away (assume that’s where his job is since he’s away all week?) and what about that baby you’re having together?

I agree with the last poster here, as in, its all a mess for the op, all except that the relationship could be salvaged I am sure.

I truly don't like posters on here, who quick fire say. get rid of the man etc.. UGH writes so well about her situation, and never says anything bad about her partner. Obviously there are issues that need to be addressed, but could be worked out I am sure.

It sounds like there is a stronger woman personality here,and a not so strong man who has some issues, but that doesn't mean things will never work out

You have a caterpillar in your salad .... get him out !

Hi op if you still want to be with him would you consider living seperatly? I don't think it's right that your children are living in a strange environment. It might be asd or anxiety ECT would he go to the doctor's? I've a friend who's partner sounds similar in some ways he has aspergers she didn't live with him till she was pregnant and has really struggled with living with him. He's a nice man and very clever has really good job in IT and he's very into coding ECT but their relationship just seems so awkward I don't know how to explain it they just don't seem to click. On paper he is a nice man, owns own home, good job , good dad but I know she hasn't really been happy and I do understand why a lot of things would be hard to live with. If it's not working for you op you can end it for any reason you want.

I personally think he needs to leave your home.

If you value yourself and your children then move him out.

Actually do you even want to be with at all?

Your own children are not happy now and what will it take to get him out.
All this ASD stuff he may have, but you are going to have a baby and after you have this beautiful baby and are fit enough to resume a relationship with this man you will feel yet again why he has no interest in you still.
A loving adult relationship you don't have here.
Will you ask him to leave ?
You will always be unhappy with this life situation your living in.

How old is he op?
He sounds young

he used to be in the army and went to Iraq and it did mess him up a bit... but that was a long time ago and he says he’s fine now.

Why did he leave the army? Did he get any support when he left? What does his mother say about his time in the army? How long after he left the army "in a bit of a mess" did you meet him?

I'm sure there's some reason for the weird behaviour, but I agree with other posters; he has to leave for the time being at any rate. It might be that he can access some sort of help. He is the father of your baby, so it would be good if he could get help to cope with fatherhood.

OP This reminds me of an ex. He started off wonderfully, saying and doing all the right things. After a while, again when he'd got his feet under the table, chunks of off kilter behaviour crept in. He was good at exhibiting the right responses for a while and it masked what I now think was a high end ASD. He actually had books on how to behave in certain situations ( I found out later) but anything off the cuff would throw him totally, and he'd struggle to react spontaneously in a socially acceptable way. But at the end of the day, you could spend a lifetime analysing and diagnosing and wondering and still be unhappy. You need to put yourself and children first.

Actually, I think some very messed-up people can be doing all this manipulative/needy/difficult behaviour, without fully knowing what they're doing.

My ex treated me like a mum and had me doing everything. He had various traits you could see as narc, ASD, or just phenomenally selfish - it was very hard to tell. He could be charming and lovely, and competent, especially at work or when trying to impress someone else. He would evade, lie and gaslight a lot if confronted.

After too many years of arguments and trying to get to the bottom of it, I concluded he really believed his own deluded self-image and made-up excuses. He was impossible to deal with and massively frustrating, but I suspect he didn't have a cunning master plan to get me to run his life for him. He just did what worked for him, pushed away my complaints and helped him to maintain his precarious delusions so he could cope with life.

That's not an excuse and I'm not saying it's OK - you need to get him out (and not let this turn into a way too long relationships like I did). But I'm not sure I agree when people say "he knows exactly what he's doing". IMO people like this don't want to look at what their problems really are, and build a web of denial and evasion that they are constantly propping up.