For wanting to break up with DP over awkwardness?

[UghBugbies]

Hi everyone.
Me and my DP are expecting a child soon, and I already have two children. We have been together a few years. To be honest he kind of forced the whole moving in thing on me saying his dad was retiring and because of X Y Z he had to move out and then became moody when I said I’d help him look for somewhere (no, we aren’t kids but yes he was still living with his parents...). Regardless though, we got along and things were fine, he had made an impression on the kids so I said okay, eventually.
My children are the most important people in my life, so naturally i wanted to ensure they were happy with him, and they were when we went out for days and weeks away, and he was great with them too. It was the most important thing to me... and then he moved in.

Suddenly he treats them like they’re aliens to be tolerated. He doesn’t talk to them, he rarely talks to me in fact. It’s been about 9 months now and he just walks around the house and doesn’t talk to anybody. It’s SO AWKWARD.
If my children say something to him he does this weird thing where he rubs his shoulder or pretends to itch his face and answers with a half laugh (instead of actually answering).
We never so much as touch each other anymore, I mean he doesn’t come near me and so obviously I’ve stopped going near him since he’s being so weird, although maybe I’m expecting too much considering he no longer talks to me unless he’s being super awkward and fake itching his bloody face. Even if I make a joke he itches his face and does the fake half laugh. If I try to engage him in conversation he just rubs his face and says ‘yeah’. I’m going insane over here!

I’ve tried to break up with him several times, assuming he wasn’t happy and wanted out, and he just says he’s happy and he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. In his defence he’s amazing around the house and I can’t fault him much, it’s just his awkwardness and not talking to anybody. It’s REALLY getting me down now, I feel like I’m at my wits end. I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger and I don’t know what to do anymore.

In his defence he’s amazing around the house and I can’t fault him much, it’s just his awkwardness and not talking to anybody

Well being able to communicate with the person you are in a relationship with and the people you live with are pretty big things and vital!!

It sounds really odd behaviour to, hes not talking to you?? Weird itching?? Whats it all about? How pregnant are you? How can you have sex with someone thats not talking to you?

Ask him to leave, or pack his bags ready to leave, with friends in your house for support, and have a locksmith standing by to change your locks too.
Speak to his parents, I suspect he had depression/ existing mental health problems too. An awful time for all this to happen, but you and your children are your priority.
Don’t get married ..

So he's moved in and suddenly lost the ability to communicate.

Every question or attempt at communication with him involves him rubbing his shoulder or scratching his face.

It sounds like some type of anxiety driven response to a demand. Was he not like that when you were first seeing him? Have you met his father or other family, have they ever referred to him responding that way? Does he work, does he have a job or hobby that involves communicating with people face to face?

In any case, if he cannot contribute to being part of the family by interacting with all of you, it's time you asked him to leave.

I never diagnose online ever! So please don't think I'm trying to.

My dp and (adult) stepdaughter are both autistic (Aspergers) and the touching face, half laugh is very like my sdd. She gets stuck and can't answer (even sometimes really simple things what drink do you want) so she just makes a noise or laughs or makes a random joke/statement that has no relevance!
almost like a deer in the headlights.

My dp is better now with me after 15 years together but with others he can seem quite weird, he describes it as his brain knows what to say/reply but he can't make it come down and out his mouth so he just doesn't say anything or a weird throat noise.

Yup, throw him out. Classic cocklodger who pretends to be nice until he's moved in, then gambles that you will a) find it too much hassle to throw him out b) you are a nice, kind person he can guilt-trip into giving him a free ride and c) women 'need' A Man In Their Lives so he can act like he's doing you a favour and you will never see through him.

You do not need his permission or co-operation to end the relationship, and it's your house, so you can just tell him to go. If he makes a nuisance of himself, you can involve the police to keep him away from you all.

I'd tell him the living together isn't working, and he can't live with you. Leave the relationship itself out of it for now - just tell him he can't live with you and needs to live separately. Then once you've got him out, see how it goes and break up with him from there if you need to.

He didn't move in because he wanted to have a family relationship with you and your kids. It was all about making life easy for him.
Now he's acting like it's a bit confusing for him having these other people in his living space.

It doesn't matter if he says he's ecstatically happy, OP! You and your kids are not happy so he needs to move out.

Could this be a medical condition?

I'm thinking along the lines of mild tourettes, they can have the nervous facial itch and find conversation difficult. There are a few other conditions also.
Did you ask his family history of conditions before conceiving?

Oh perhaps he just has some kind of autism/ Asperger type thing.
Apologies. You need some more serious chats with him.

(having read xposts) Even if he does have some kind of neurological issue, or anxiety, you don't have to put up with him because of his 'issue'. It's not your responsibility. You and your DC matter and they should not have to share a house with someone who behaves as though he dislikes them.

Second apology, I saw everyone else thinks the same too, I was thinking about the behaviour of an old boyfriend..

Don’t put your poor children through this silent treatment.
Ask him to leave

His behaviour seems like some sort of anxiety/ASD tic but it really doesn't make sense that it is only since he moved in that this has happened. Do you think that he is so stressed in the house that this is some sort of coping mechanism? What is his financial contribution like to the household? Either way OP it does not sound healthy so I would ask him to find somewhere else to live.

So sorry you’re in this situation:(

He sounds like my ex husband tbf. Can put on an act for a while, and then couldn’t any longer (we were together 7 years before marriage but because of study, work and lots of other things, we didn’t move in together until we got married... BIG mistake)

He was a man child who needed a mother. He put on an act until he was safe and then stopped talking to me, stopped contributing, stopped having sex.

Also, think how weird this is for his brain: he obviously sees you as a replacement mother, and now you’re pregnant, with his child. That’s some Freudian crap going on there.

If you really want to make it work, couples therapy is your only option, otherwise, If you’re not happy, get rid. You don’t need to make reasons why. Good luck x

I’m 25 weeks pregnant, and conceived during a time I went balls to the wind trying to reduce awkwardness. I thought it was just jitters from moving in quite recently, I thought maybe if we just acted as we had done before then it would be fine. It’s just become increasingly worse though. I should have waited longer, but I just thought I knew him already. It’s stupid looking back, I understand that now fully but there’s nothing I can do and I very much want my baby.

@ObscuredByFog I know he has suffering anxiety in the past, he used to be in the army and went to Iraq and it did mess him up a bit... but that was a long time ago and he says he’s fine now. He’s never had a panic attack that I’ve seen, although general anxiety may be different... but we’ve tried to make him feel very welcome.
And he’s a teacher! He communicates face to face all the time.

When we met he had no job, but he was a smart person, I talked him into getting a masters at university which then turned into a doctorate because of the dissertation he wrote. He wouldn’t get a job after that and I supported him financially, but I pushed him into a job (a bloody good one!!). He has hobbies, but I don’t understand them... he codes things and creates things, so it’s way over me to be honest.

I’ve met his family, his dad has never said more than 5 words to me but his mother is super talkative and tries to be very involved (we just live far away) the only thing she’s ever said about him is that he’s lazy but... he hasn’t been here at least. Small mercies.

He's probably always been like this in his home environment, when he didn't live with you, you got his professional 'outside the home' behaviour. Now your getting what his parents have always lived with, and wanted to get rid of.

Don't think this is going to work.

This sounds extremely weird and I would be worried.

He has to go-immediately.

None of it really adds up to a 'typical' anything. If this is 'him' and he was acting big time to get into your house, then if this is his real personality then it's hard to see why he was so keen if he has the funds to stay separate. Ditto baby - I could imagine a total cocklodging user taking this approach, but then they'd happily settle into feet on the sofa with a beer and pontificating about happy family life - not suddenly appearing overwhelmed and unhappy about it. He's clearly not at all comfortable with children, it's not as if you pushed that so where did the baby and family keenness come from if he clearly doesn't actually want to engage with any of it? Same for his treatment of you, no sex etc.

It's worrying. He doesn't seem at all someone I would trust or be happy for my kids to be around. And - 'became moody' until you gave in about him moving in, when you really didn't want to so much? That's quite a red flag.

It does sound most likely that he is simply not a particularly nice pleasant person. He's got what he wanted now, so he can be himself and it's not great. However, there's a real level of oddness there that makes me feel quite sad you're having his baby - you will remain connected. How do you feel about that and how do you think he will tackle separated parenting?

He's not amazing around the house if he's resentful of clearing up after himself. He's not good around your DC. He's not any sort of partner to you. He's not willing to communicate with you when you try and address what's making you unsettled and unhappy.

You can and need to break up and tell him to move out. Your poor kids and poor you, but it's up to you to put an end to it. It sounds hideous. And whatever's causing it, if he's not honest about having changed, or prepared to discuss it with you, it's never going to get better.

He can be a good dad to the new baby without being in a relationship with you or living with you. You're not responsible for him.

That sounds so odd :/ I don't know what to say

I have a question for you OP did all this come on at the time you got pregnant, or when he moved in? Did you get pregnant at exactly the same time or just after? Was he okay for a few weeks and then as soon as you found out you were pregnant, did he go all weird?

I'm asking because sometimes men act oddly when their partner gets pregnant. The whole not going near you now makes me wonder if it is the pregnancy. (His problem not yours).

Was your love life good before he moved in? and different after? or did it change when you got pregnant?

Does he have a hang up about pregnancy? Maybe he needs to talk to someone.

Someone with a condition doesn't get worse the longer that they know people. he was fine at the start, then after getting his feet under the table, he changed. No condition causes that.

"He could have gotten himself somewhere else no problems at all."

He may have been able to get someone, but your the only idiot that will have your children treated so badly. you can bet there has been a lot Women without children, who have sent him on his way. These men pick their victims well.

This will be damaging your children. it will either damage your baby, or, if he is different towards him/her, then it will destroy your children's self esteem.

Stop focusing on him and focus on yourself and your children.

Oh and I've seen the whole scratch-the-chin thing, it's a way of taking the piss out of who you are speaking to. i have a arrogant Son In Law who does it, so do his mates at times.

You'll see Keith lemon etc do it.

I think this has it:

Now he's acting like it's a bit confusing for him having these other people in his living space.

He sounds as if all is not quite normal - whether that's the effect of his experiences, his lack of adult living experience, or SN, is not something anyone here can define.

So it sounds as if it's possible that the way he 'works' is to have public and private ways of looking at life, compartmentalising. Teaching is public. You were public. Home was regression, childlike behaviour, no need to engage with (possibly equally odd) dad or (will fill all the gaps anyway) mum. Teenager in his room stuff.

Now that's all changed. But he's carried those behaviours forward and now you are seeing the awkward teen he is in his 'private life'.

Sound possible?

He definitely needs to go ASAP. Don't expose your children to this behaviour coming from an adult in the home - it's really not healthy for them.

Agree with birds.

Have you posted because no you need help getting him out?

This is really sad, it sounds like he has some kind of social phobia/anxiety. Not that you should have to tolerate that if it is affecting your children but he may just need some help!