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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sent Save the Dates but have changed my mind....

110 replies

snash12 · 23/01/2018 15:55

I'm after a bit of advice and I guess the AIBU - Am I or is my DF (Fiance).

We got engaged last year, all very happy and got a bit caught up in the excitement and started looking at places immediately for our wedding.

We decided on a nice place and my DF paid £1000 deposit for the day, food, drinks, ceremony with a plan we'd both pay off the balance over the year (wedding is booked for November 2018). As we had secured the dates, I sent out "save the dates" to closest family and friends.

Anyway, since Christmas and all family and friends opinions / comments / pulling faces when I've been answering their questions about food / themes etc has completely put me off the whole idea of a "big" wedding (not massive, 40 in total).

For about a month now, all I can think about is I just want to be married, to my DF and I'm not too fussed about a big dress, speeches, toasts and a nice meal. I really would like to just book a registry office and posh meal for the two of us and just be married.

I raised this with my DF and he got really quite mad, he has paid the deposit, we've sent save the dates, people will be disappointed etc etc. I don't know what to do because now the thought of this venue wedding makes me feel anxious and not what I want at all.

Any advice please or WWYD?! I tried reasoning with him that we only get married once (hopefully) so I want it to be how I want it. He called me selfish. I almost felt like should we even get married if we both feel so differently already.

OP posts:
iggleypiggly · 23/01/2018 15:57

Do what you want, £1000 isn’t a huge amount to lose compared to what you will save by having a smaller do. As long as your DF agrees, tell everyone you’ve changed plans Smile

Pickleypickles · 23/01/2018 15:58

Could you get married your way before hand and use the save the date date for a big wedding party celebration instead?

peachgreen · 23/01/2018 16:01

You can still have a small and simple wedding in a nice venue with 40 guests. You don't need a theme, you can keep the food basic and tasty, you can wear whatever you like etc etc. You need to find a compromise with your DF (after all, it's his wedding too and it sounds like he was excited about this venue). If being married to him is the most important part, then work with him to do it in a way that makes you both happy.

Having said that, if this is enough to make you have doubts about getting married at all, that would set alarm bells ringing for me. DH could have insisted on an underwater wedding and I still wouldn't have doubted that I wanted to marry him!

Original poster
snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:01

Thanks both - he seems to think everyone will be really disappointed and we will have to do a lot of explaining - I argued that if I got a save the date and then a "sorry! change of plans" note a few weeks later it really wouldn't bother me.

I hope he will change his mind. I said to him I would pay him back the £1000 over a few months if it's only about the money. He is being quite rigid.

OP posts:
theDailyShow · 23/01/2018 16:01

I don't think there's a clear answer as a wedding isn't all about the bride. It's his day as much as yours.

I think that if the deposits were paid by you or him or combined has little bearing.

Your family and friends are the problem (in the main). Ignore their comments and faces.

I understand his annoyance. You still haven't made it clear here what you want and that could be frustrating. If you like the original wedding plans the fuck other people. Go for it. If you really have changed your mind then it's still annoying but more understandable.

WWID?

Seriously think about why I've gone off my original plans.

Swissgemma · 23/01/2018 16:01

What @pickleypickles said... my friend had a tiny civil wedding with immediate family only then a week later had a larger (about 60) church wedding.

DancingOnRainbows · 23/01/2018 16:01

It's fine if you've changed your mind. You should repay your dad though. It's a lot of money to lose.

Curtainshopping · 23/01/2018 16:01

Can’t you just use the same venue but have it much smaller? Invite less people etc.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 23/01/2018 16:04

he seems to think everyone will be really disappointed

In the nicest way, I doubt anyone will really care.

Original poster
snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:06

@peachgreen - I do really want to marry him, no question - we hardly ever argue or disagree so I think it made me a bit nervous about such a big commitment when his reaction was not what I expected.

@theDaily - if I think about why I've gone off the plans, my main thing is I just don't want to be centre of attention. I'm quite shy and it fills me with nerves.

OP posts:
Coastalcommand · 23/01/2018 16:06

There’s no problem with changing the venue, but it would be rude to uninvite people you’ve already asked.

Remember it’s also your fiance‘s wedding day too, and he may feel that he wants to people who loves there on that special day. It’s only 40 people you can scale it down and still have your intimate wedding.

The biggest thing I learnt about being married is it’s all about compromise.

Teenytinyvoice · 23/01/2018 16:06

I would have been gutted if my DF had changed their minds about the size of our wedding, which is not to say you are wrong but I can kinda see why he feels like the rug has been pulled a bit.

There are practical resolutions to all the issues you raise (wear what you want! Don’t have speaches! Tell anyone asking about the theme that the theme is “we are getting married”!) but if you just don’t want to do it that way then you need to have a serious chat with your DF as soon as possible

Original poster
snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:09

I'm glad I posted because a couple of you have made me see it more from his point of view. If he came to me and said he wanted to change a couple of months ago I would have been pretty upset I think.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 23/01/2018 16:12

Could you not find a middle ground? Have a late registry office ceremony and then just have an evening do, no speeches, themes, bridesmaids etc, just an evening buffet and party. Then if people have booked rooms/time off they're not totally wasted, nor is your father's money.

I do agree with it being a wedding for you and your fiancé, and that both people's opinions count, but I did end up with a last minute cancelled wedding due to the stress of arranging it (groom to be was having an affair too, so it turned out to be a good thing!).

Snowdrop18 · 23/01/2018 16:12

so he wants the showy wedding and you don't?

The compromise seems to be that you hire a pub hall or something on that date, just have a casual do and tell people that's what it is.

It will just be a party. If you explain there's no speeches etc no one is going to be disappointed. If they want to hear long speeches about crap, remind them the internet exists.

Knittedfairies · 23/01/2018 16:12

Did you start to wobble about the venue, catering etc before of after your friends and relations started to comment and pull faces?

crunchymint · 23/01/2018 16:15

If you are the relative who sent me a save the date card, yes I will be disappointed, but will understand

YearOfYouRemember · 23/01/2018 16:15

Only read the OP. Do what you want. Pay back the grand to your dad. Sorted. You're about to be married, it's a good time to let everyone know you're an adult who won't be dictated too. Though having said that, you should do what you want and maybe leave off the invite list the people who sneered if you want the original plan after all.

YearOfYouRemember · 23/01/2018 16:16

Oops, thought DF was dad.

Your fiancé getting mad isn't a good start to married life.

XiCi · 23/01/2018 16:16

I think he is right and everyone will be disappointed as you were only having a small wedding of close family and friends anyway. Are you now thinking of not even inviting parents and siblings?

DivisionBelle · 23/01/2018 16:18

Discussing weddings in advance is like Babynames- everyone has an opinion, and if it was unasked for, they can shove it!

It was a wedding you and your Dp planned together, and liked, and your Dp might reasonably wonder if you will go back on things you decide with him every time you talk to your family. He is your partner and primary family now - make decisions with him and so what if your family 'pull faces'. And how rude of them!

The only proviso is, can you actually afford what you planned?

GwenStaceyRocks · 23/01/2018 16:19

It sounds as though all the comments have upset you so I can understand why he wants to go ahead with your original plans. He probably thinks you'll regret it if you change your plans simply because outsiders are pressuring you.
Take some time to think about what you really want eg if you could guarantee no-one would express opinions about it. There's no rush to cancel. People change plans all the time.

ZoopDragon · 23/01/2018 16:19

Sorry, but I think he's right. You both decided on a plan, paid a big deposit, sent out save the date invitations. It would be very rude to uninvite guests now. I think you should honour that commitment.

You need to think about what he wants too- after all it's his wedding day as much as yours. He clearly wants his family present.

coffeeforone · 23/01/2018 16:19

I agree with your DF. I was like you, i just wanted to 'be married', but i had to think about the bigger picture of friends and family. Often weddings are often about keeping families happy. We had two ceremonies/celebrations 6000 miles apart to keep both sides of the family happy.

category12 · 23/01/2018 16:20

Scrub out of your mind the comments and pulled faces, and think about what you and fiancé really want. If it's not what you initially planned, fine, pay dad back his grand and off you go. If it's other people that have put you off, then have the wedding you were planning and sod em. Don't discuss your plans with people, some just like to be negative. Have what you want.