Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sent Save the Dates but have changed my mind....

110 replies

snash12 · 23/01/2018 15:55

I'm after a bit of advice and I guess the AIBU - Am I or is my DF (Fiance).

We got engaged last year, all very happy and got a bit caught up in the excitement and started looking at places immediately for our wedding.

We decided on a nice place and my DF paid £1000 deposit for the day, food, drinks, ceremony with a plan we'd both pay off the balance over the year (wedding is booked for November 2018). As we had secured the dates, I sent out "save the dates" to closest family and friends.

Anyway, since Christmas and all family and friends opinions / comments / pulling faces when I've been answering their questions about food / themes etc has completely put me off the whole idea of a "big" wedding (not massive, 40 in total).

For about a month now, all I can think about is I just want to be married, to my DF and I'm not too fussed about a big dress, speeches, toasts and a nice meal. I really would like to just book a registry office and posh meal for the two of us and just be married.

I raised this with my DF and he got really quite mad, he has paid the deposit, we've sent save the dates, people will be disappointed etc etc. I don't know what to do because now the thought of this venue wedding makes me feel anxious and not what I want at all.

Any advice please or WWYD?! I tried reasoning with him that we only get married once (hopefully) so I want it to be how I want it. He called me selfish. I almost felt like should we even get married if we both feel so differently already.

OP posts:
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 23/01/2018 17:08

I'm sorry but it's rude as fuck to invite people via a save the date and then uninvite them, and it will definitely piss people off. Especially if your reason is basically just "I've decided I don't want you there after all" after people have, you know, saved the date. It's one thing to have a very small wedding, another to tell people they're coming and then take it back. I would certainly be furious with my DH had he pulled that one on me after we'd agreed on and booked a wedding AND invited people.

category12 · 23/01/2018 17:08

My view changed completely now I've realised it's your fiance that paid, not your dad - you're totally letting other people (whose job is solely to be good guests and mind their own business otherwise) sway you from you and he wanted. That's sad.

Like pp suggested, go back to the venue, get excited again and don't discuss the arrangements with anyone who takes pleasure in deflating you.

Snowdrop18 · 23/01/2018 17:08

here's another way of looking at it (if you don't want to just have a drop in at your home on the day or hire a pub for a few drinks and nibbles).

if you have only invited people who are close to you and who care about you, and no one has booked any trains or hotels, you should be able to say "hey, I decided it was too stressful" and they won't have a fit about it because all that's happened is they have a day back in their diary. Unless it's very soon and you think people will have not booked concert tickets or something that day....but even then, you can cheer that person up by having them pop by for pizza and prosecco if you must.

you cannot continue with a whole charade and an expensive one if you dread it that much.

XiCi · 23/01/2018 17:09

In that case I can understand your DFs frustration. It seems crazy to scrap your entire wedding plans on the basis of comments from your mums mate!

FreshStartToday · 23/01/2018 17:13

If you do decide to go ahead, then yy to the poster above who said be firm with people who pull faces. Just tell them that it is really stressful for you when people do that. You are going to have a great day. Plan what you and your DF want, be aware that it wont quite work out as you plan, but it will still be lovely. And if anyone doesn't enjoy it, baa humbug to them. You and your df will be choosing the things you want, on your special day. They have been invited to share in the day, not to mark you out of 10.

XiCi · 23/01/2018 17:18

Why would your godmother be so hurtful. Is she usually unkind? Is your theme really 'out there' / have you planned a really unconventional wedding or is she just being snotty about the buffet menu?

HeyRoly · 23/01/2018 17:21

I wish people were more open about the fact that if your wedding day isn't everything you hoped and dreamed it would be, it's not the end of the world

Oh god, THIS.

My wedding day went great and all the guests had a good time. I, however, didn't enjoy the reception at all. I was a ball of anxiety, couldn't eat/drink and didn't have much fun. My husband was off having a great time with his mates while I was assembling little cake boxes because I figured if I didn't, no one would be taking cake home later Grin

I did feel disappointed afterwards, that I couldn't enjoy it. But I'm an anxious person and "hosting" really triggers me. I was so bothered about our guests having fun, I wasn't able to myself.

Seven years on, it doesn't really matter.

taskmaster · 23/01/2018 17:25

I wish people were more open about the fact that if your wedding day isn't everything you hoped and dreamed it would be, it's not the end of the world

Why would anyone need to actually say such an obvious thing?

blackberryfairy · 23/01/2018 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HipNewName · 23/01/2018 17:28

I think you need thicker skin, especially where you god mother is concerned. This is not the last thing in your life she'll tell you that you are doing the wrong way. A phrase I find helpful is:

I can see how you would fee that way, none the less, this is what we've decided to do

And then just don't engage with her about it. Accept that no every one will be happy with everything you do; it's very freeing. (Frankly, it only gets worse after you have your first child, best to just let it go right now).

It sounds like you and your OH get on very well, and the two of you are unit making decisions and deciding what to do. Every one else can just sod off if they don't like it.

theme music to help not be bothered by other people's opinions:

RestlessLegKick · 23/01/2018 17:29

we only get married once (hopefully) so I want it to be how I want it

It's his day too, so surely he must get some so in how it's done? There must be some compromise you can come up with

altiara · 23/01/2018 17:37

A save the date isn’t an invitation!!
But I wouldn’t just cancel it if it’s what your DF wants to do but isn’t explaining it well and saying the guests are expecting a wedding. He might just mean, he always expected to get married in front of family and friends which you agreed to and have now changed your mind.
FWIW I don’t think 40 is too massive a number if the venue has a few rooms, then people just spread out. What about a hog roast and a barn dance? That should keep eyes off of you.
I know you’re anxious, but the people that want to come will come because they love you. If it’s the comments that are making you anxious, you could say, just keeping it small and informal, not details yet.
Hope you manage to compromise on something.

WipsGlitter · 23/01/2018 17:53

Stop telling people stuff "we want it to be a surprise". Then get on with it. Allowing people to influence you this much is bonkers.

poddige · 23/01/2018 18:00

OP it's YOUR wedding. (And your DF of course)

You have no obligation to honour an invite to people. Am baffled by people on here saying they'd be disappointed/annoyed if you retract the invitation/save the date.

Do it your way. Can see why your DF is annoyed with you, but if he does come round, then do it how you'd like.

Agree with PP that an intimate wedding with Just your parents and then a party in celebration might be the way to go as a compromise.

But you should only do this if it's right for you and DF. Don't be worrying about other people. It's not their day.

fruitbrewhaha · 23/01/2018 18:07

So your God mother made a face and you are throwing your toy out of the pram. I'd be annoyd too.

And how can you pay back your fiance? You will be married and have joint finances!

presentcontinuous · 23/01/2018 18:09

Compromise is the first rule of marriage, so start there.

Then if you do decide to scale things back, I wouldn't use the nonetheless this is what we've decided to do line with your uninvited guests too quickly, because it sounds too much like but we don't give a shit about you. As you've already sort-of invited them, you do owe them some kind of genuine explanation for the change of mind first. Save the hard line with those who still don't get it.

presentcontinuous · 23/01/2018 18:10

And how can you pay back your fiance? You will be married and have joint finances!

Err.. this is not a legal requirement!

Bluelady · 23/01/2018 18:12

Married 18 years, no joint finances here.

Crunched · 23/01/2018 18:17

I want it to be how I want it
Oh,that is where you are going wrong! You forgot he is 50% of the marriage/wedding.

blackberryfairy · 23/01/2018 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffyears · 23/01/2018 18:32

And how can you pay back your fiance? You will be married and have joint finances!Hmm

Not necessarily, not everyone has joint finances and that’s fine.

I agree with you I want to be married without a wedding. I am eloping in April, fuck everyone else their meddling has prevented my wedding for 10 years. We are heading off and will Ccine back announce our marriage and have a family meal (we hate parties lol).

You need to sit down together and work out how to make this work between you with what you both want.

BessMarvin · 23/01/2018 18:33

I'd suggest that you try to work out a compromise, looking at things you're concerned about. Just because it's a wedding you don't have to include all the typical wedding stuff. You don't have to have speeches. You don't have to have a top table. You don't have to have a receiving line. I am shy and hated people all staring at me at my wedding and we realised we'd got caught up in doing standard wedding stuff rather than making it exactly what would have worked for the 2 of us.

norfolkenclue · 23/01/2018 18:41

I just couldn't get worked up about something like this...and quite honestly don't understand how any of you PPs can say you'd feel upset by it! Why? How is it 'rude' for someone to change their mind about something? We change our minds about things all the time. We change our mind about the colour of our hair, our car, the shoes we bought last week, the man we thought we loved, the name we chose for the cat(!)...sooooo many things...because we are human...and fickle! It doesn't mean we are rude, just fallible! I'd not be at all bothered if you rang me and said sorry, you've changed your mind and would now be nipping up to Gretna or wherever (in fact I'd be secretly delighted!!). Please, talk to your fiancé, find a compromise that you both love AND DO IT!

HipNewName · 23/01/2018 22:52

"Then if you do decide to scale things back, I wouldn't use the nonetheless this is what we've decided to do line with your uninvited guests too quickly, because it sounds too much like but we don't give a shit about you. As you've already sort-of invited them, you do owe them some kind of genuine explanation for the change of mind first. Save the hard line with those who still don't get it."

I completely agree with this, and I'm the one who posted the line. If you unsave the date, you owe more.

I meant in general with your god mother so that she doesn't throw off what you want to do in life. It's a line for people who, no matter what honest and heartfelt explanation you give them will tell you that you are wrong and should do things their way. You just have to shut conversations down with those people.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/01/2018 23:00

I've told him I will pay him back the thousand pounds...

This is a red flag to me, TBH. You’re about to get married, if it’s any way tit for tat over money now, it’s downhill from here. Pay him back, really?

40 is not a big wedding, do what you both want and fuck everyone else.

Swipe left for the next trending thread