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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sent Save the Dates but have changed my mind....

110 replies

snash12 · 23/01/2018 15:55

I'm after a bit of advice and I guess the AIBU - Am I or is my DF (Fiance).

We got engaged last year, all very happy and got a bit caught up in the excitement and started looking at places immediately for our wedding.

We decided on a nice place and my DF paid £1000 deposit for the day, food, drinks, ceremony with a plan we'd both pay off the balance over the year (wedding is booked for November 2018). As we had secured the dates, I sent out "save the dates" to closest family and friends.

Anyway, since Christmas and all family and friends opinions / comments / pulling faces when I've been answering their questions about food / themes etc has completely put me off the whole idea of a "big" wedding (not massive, 40 in total).

For about a month now, all I can think about is I just want to be married, to my DF and I'm not too fussed about a big dress, speeches, toasts and a nice meal. I really would like to just book a registry office and posh meal for the two of us and just be married.

I raised this with my DF and he got really quite mad, he has paid the deposit, we've sent save the dates, people will be disappointed etc etc. I don't know what to do because now the thought of this venue wedding makes me feel anxious and not what I want at all.

Any advice please or WWYD?! I tried reasoning with him that we only get married once (hopefully) so I want it to be how I want it. He called me selfish. I almost felt like should we even get married if we both feel so differently already.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 23/01/2018 16:46

Honestly, I wouldn't be impressed if my dh had done this to me. You're basically trying to force him into not having his family and close friends there after mutually agreeing they would be invited.
How do you expect him to phone them and tell them they're no longer invited, I'd be mortified.

LagunaBubbles · 23/01/2018 16:47

I tried reasoning with him that we only get married once (hopefully) so I want it to be how I want it.

How YOU want it?? Er no it should be about how you BOTH want it and if this involves 2 far apart views then a compromise has to be made.

LagunaBubbles · 23/01/2018 16:49

Having a wedding for the sake of everyone else just grates me

But this is not what is happening - its what your fiance wants....not "everyone else". I wouldnt be happy if the friends and family I wanted to invite to my own wedding were suddenly not going to be invited because thats for sure.

OnionKnight · 23/01/2018 16:50

You need to compromise, your DF has as much say in it as you do.

Skowvegas · 23/01/2018 16:51

How about asking him what kind of wedding he really wants? That doesn't seem to be featuring anywhere in these conversations. It's all about what you want and what he thinks other people want.

If he can stop worrying about what other people will think then between you you can work out what you both really would like.

LagunaBubbles · 23/01/2018 16:52

Tell your fiance to piss off too. If you dont want to do it like that then neither of you do it

Seriously bad advice, that will really help. If the 2 of them have wildly different opinions then a compromise has to be made. Its as much his wedding as it is hers and telling someone you love who wants their friends and family at their wedding to piss off is crazy.

MichaelBendfaster · 23/01/2018 16:53

It sounds like it's really the friends and family giving their opinions and comments and pulling faces about it that's put you off.

If you're happy with the food, themes etc you'd decided on, fuck 'em. I'd NEVER criticise a friend or family member's wedding plans; it is a massively ungracious thing to do when someone is spending money on a day that you will go along to. I bet they'd be happy to fill their judgemental faces with the food and drink on offer, even if they'd made faces about it beforehand.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 23/01/2018 16:54

I would be well annoyed if I were him. You made and agreed on a plan, paid a lot of money then you want to change everything for a pretty ridiculous reason? YABU

Tink2007 · 23/01/2018 16:54

I think you are focusing much too much on what YOU want. You don’t seem to be giving your fiancé much thought.

Maybe he wants the larger wedding, maybe he feels it’s his moment to show your circle of family and friends his new wife. It’s just as big a deal to him as it is to you.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 23/01/2018 16:54

The problem is that you are putting more importance on what other people think, than what you actually want.

For our wedding, we made the arrangements. Sent out invitations.

Family/friends turned up. Our wedding, our choices, turn up or don't. Didn't give a flying fuck what people thought.

CottonSock · 23/01/2018 16:54

One of my friends did this and uninvited everyone. Bit upset but it's their choice was my view. They got married abroad

XiCi · 23/01/2018 16:56

It's irrelevant whether you pay your fiance back. You're about to be married. That money is your family money that's wasted. I would carry on with the original plans and just not tell those people who were sniffy about it. What exactly were they objecting to?

Original poster
snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:57

I understand I have been out of order changing my mind - like i said in my OP I got very caught up in the excitement of it all initially.

OP posts:
Curtainshopping · 23/01/2018 16:59

Who are these people who made negative comments? What did they say? Do they usually influence you?

Am wondering if there’s a history of doing things to please them or shut them up and that’s why your DF is so annoyed.

NiceViper · 23/01/2018 17:01

You've posted a lot about what you wanted and you booked, and your subsequent cold feet. And there are a fair few posts about how the arrangements need to be 'right' and you need to be comfortable.

So does he

Have you actually had a conversation about what matters to each of you? Because if he sees the wedding that you (jointly) booked as exactly the wedding of his dreams, then this is a major blow to him.

And I don't think your views on what the wedding should be like should automatically carry more weight than his.

If you can negotiate considerately and tactfully through this to a mutually acceptable conclusion, then that's a really good augury for your marriage. Assuming he should fall in with your plans at the expense of his own preferences, less so.

But to answer the question in the title, it's fine to scrub plans after a Save-The-Date card. Especially as, if used 'correctly', they'll only have gone to the subset of absolutely 'can't get married without them' guests (who you're probably talking to regularly anyhow) who will be invited to whatever the new version is (and who you can explain it to in conversation).

kaytee87 · 23/01/2018 17:01

Op try to get excited about it again, don't tell other people what your plans are. Just plan it with your df.

Pearlsaringer · 23/01/2018 17:01

The only bit where you will feel the centre of attention is during the ceremony. If in church, that will include the walk up the aisle and back again. If in a register office, not even that.

From then on, everyone will be mingling away and having a good time. If you can manage that bit, the rest will be fine!

kaytee87 · 23/01/2018 17:03

@NiceViper the 40 guests wouldn't be invited to any wedding as far as I can see so op wants to uninvite them altogether not just have a different version

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 23/01/2018 17:03

I'd keep the venue, make the wedding low key, and stop telling people what you're planning. Just tell them it's all under control

TitsNnails · 23/01/2018 17:04

My advice is to go and view the venue again. You'll probably love it all over again. Talk to them about the smallest wedding possible.

My second piece of advice is stop telling people what you are planning. If they don't know then they can't have an opinion on it.

Plan the day your fiance and you want. They will enjoy it.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. X

Original poster
snash12 · 23/01/2018 17:05

The comments were mainly from my side of the family over Christmas - mainly my God mother (mums best friend).

I think I will have a proper conversation with him tonight. I genuinely have had my blinkers on with regards to how this will be very important to him too. I guess it was a misconception on my part that guys sometimes aren't all that fussed about wedding planning.

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 23/01/2018 17:06

What exactly have you got cold feet about? Smile

I kind of feel like it might be less hurt and aggro for all involved if, instead of cancelling the whole thing, you could work out how to make your existing plans more desirable for you. 40 people isn't so big.

whattoweartomorrow · 23/01/2018 17:06

I think it's a balance but, for what it's worth, I wish people were more open about the fact that if your wedding day isn't everything you hoped and dreamed it would be, it's not the end of the world.

I'd say 20% of people I know loved their wedding day, 20% hated it, and everyone else was in the middle.

The marriage is for both of you, but the whole point of a wedding that isn't just the two of you eloping is about getting to share and celebrate your day with other people. To that end, I sort of viewed the day as a way to communicate to our close friends and family- and 40 people is presumably still people who are close- that we valued them and they were important to us.

People drove me a bit crazy in the run up, but honestly, i think the main thing is you end up married to each other, having communicated and compromised well within your relationship, and having not alienated friends and family over what is essentially just one day. That doesn't mean give in to what everyone around you thinks, but it probably does mean go ahead with what you originally agreed, try and bite your tongue and discuss specifics less with people who aren't your fiancé, and then enjoy the day as much as you can secure in the knowledge that a) you've got this wonderful person by your side and b) you never have to plan a wedding again.

kaytee87 · 23/01/2018 17:06

Op you would be within your rights to ask df to take over the wedding planning if you don't want to do it yourself now.

Pearlsaringer · 23/01/2018 17:06

Other than the horrible first dance but I would much rather have a Grand March, lots more fun!