Sent Save the Dates but have changed my mind....

[snash12]

I'm after a bit of advice and I guess the AIBU - Am I or is my DF (Fiance).

We got engaged last year, all very happy and got a bit caught up in the excitement and started looking at places immediately for our wedding.

We decided on a nice place and my DF paid £1000 deposit for the day, food, drinks, ceremony with a plan we'd both pay off the balance over the year (wedding is booked for November 2018). As we had secured the dates, I sent out "save the dates" to closest family and friends.

Anyway, since Christmas and all family and friends opinions / comments / pulling faces when I've been answering their questions about food / themes etc has completely put me off the whole idea of a "big" wedding (not massive, 40 in total).

For about a month now, all I can think about is I just want to be married, to my DF and I'm not too fussed about a big dress, speeches, toasts and a nice meal. I really would like to just book a registry office and posh meal for the two of us and just be married.

I raised this with my DF and he got really quite mad, he has paid the deposit, we've sent save the dates, people will be disappointed etc etc. I don't know what to do because now the thought of this venue wedding makes me feel anxious and not what I want at all.

Any advice please or WWYD?! I tried reasoning with him that we only get married once (hopefully) so I want it to be how I want it. He called me selfish. I almost felt like should we even get married if we both feel so differently already.

I think it would be a shame not to have a celebration with friends and family like you originally planned because some of them were being pains in the arse.

That said, it's still your (plural) day. So I guess a good bit of soul searching from both of you about what is really important is in order.

And I wonder if a big chunk of that is you learning to tune out what all the unhelpful people have been saying and think about your original vision. I'm not saying stick to it exactly - but there was a reason you were excited about it, right? And it seems like you're changing your mind as a pushback against what they said.

In ten years' time - hell in one year - might you be annoyed with yourself for letting them overrule what you wanted and making you swing too far the other way, upsetting your DFi in the process?

Surely you'd get at least some of that money back?

Is this for real? You want your fiance to uninvite his friends and family because of something your godmother said? Why do you think more of her opinion than your fiance's?

I could have written this post op

In all fairness to your finance, just read this again....

" so I want it to be how I want it. He called me selfish."

It does sound selfish but you may have good reasons to want it a certain way. You want to marry him sooner and not wait, you want to spend less, all good.

The loss of the deposit is nothing to what you will save. Could the date be a party? Or just tell people you've decided to do it differently?

I really do not think most people will be disappointed. I love weddings but not everyone does. The cost of a gift, new outfit and perhaps accommodation can be off putting for some.

"I just don't want to be centre of attention. I'm quite shy and it fills me with nerves."

Please explain to your fiance, and work together to get a suitable compromise. Could you have a very small ceremony followed by a meal or party. Invite everyone to the party but not to the ceremony?

Could you bring the date forward? Like quite soon and maybe some wont be able to make it!

Plus you can think outside the box, you don't have to have a cut the cake and first dance and make a speech. Or you can have speeches but you don't speak publicly if this worries you. I am so gobby of course I spoke at my own wedding, but many brides do not.

If the guests came for the meal part would that feel like it was too much? By that point you would already be married.

You could find the world's smallest chapel or registry office and then say legitimately, no room!

www.niagaradaytour.com/smallest-chapel-in-world-niagara-falls.htm

I've seen a registry office with room for only 8 people.

I'm half joking but I am trying to think how you could do it differently, lower key, your way. But making room for hat he wants too.

But of course you do not need a reason, you can always limit who goes to what bit.

Your biggest issue here is to work out together what you want to do. Allowing you both to put your own mark on it and not force the other to do it completely your way.

I lived in Asia for a while and it is very common there to have the legal or religious or party bits separately.

Good luck.

I also had a massive wobble over our wedding day nerves, people's opinions, so called traditions, etc.

Sit down and go through it bit by bit and decide what you want. I think you've concluded you still want to be married.

The guests - 40 isn't a massive number - do you want your closest family and friends to share one of the most important days of your life?
I've only ever had one party - my wedding.

Do you want to make the day really formal or less formal - include kids for less formal.

Forget big long top table, go for round, easier to chat and your not 'on display'.

Everything at my wedding needed to justify why we were having it, tradition and keeping up with Jones wasn't an answer.

Dress - needed something to wear. Only you can decide if you want a white wedding dress or something else. At one point I considered something else so I'd blend into the guests.

Flowers - needed something to hold, to keep my hands occupied.

Cars - needed transport - DH wanted a fancy car.

Photographer - wanted photos of family together.

Cake - to eat with coffee.

I wanted to be married, but I had no intention of having a big wedding as I’d been bridesmaid for a friend and the two years to plan drove me nuts. She admitted to me afterwards she didn’t enjoy the day as stressed every little thing would be wrong.

I got married in a registry office where I had close family only. I don’t like being centre of attention. We hired a large room in a pub and invited friends. It was a lovely day and I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
It also only cost a fair bit less that £1000.

Can you just uninvite the Godmother? Then she won't need to suffer having to go to your wedding!! 40 might sound like a lot to you but when they are all your friends and family it doesn't seem so bad.

Uninvite the Godmother - if she can’t be happy for you then sod her. I think if we’re all being honest when we’ve been to weddings we all see stuff we thing we’d have done differently but no decent person would dream of saying anything because firstly it’s not their day and secondly it’s bloody rude to criticise another persons hospitality