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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sent Save the Dates but have changed my mind....

110 replies

snash12 · 23/01/2018 15:55

I'm after a bit of advice and I guess the AIBU - Am I or is my DF (Fiance).

We got engaged last year, all very happy and got a bit caught up in the excitement and started looking at places immediately for our wedding.

We decided on a nice place and my DF paid £1000 deposit for the day, food, drinks, ceremony with a plan we'd both pay off the balance over the year (wedding is booked for November 2018). As we had secured the dates, I sent out "save the dates" to closest family and friends.

Anyway, since Christmas and all family and friends opinions / comments / pulling faces when I've been answering their questions about food / themes etc has completely put me off the whole idea of a "big" wedding (not massive, 40 in total).

For about a month now, all I can think about is I just want to be married, to my DF and I'm not too fussed about a big dress, speeches, toasts and a nice meal. I really would like to just book a registry office and posh meal for the two of us and just be married.

I raised this with my DF and he got really quite mad, he has paid the deposit, we've sent save the dates, people will be disappointed etc etc. I don't know what to do because now the thought of this venue wedding makes me feel anxious and not what I want at all.

Any advice please or WWYD?! I tried reasoning with him that we only get married once (hopefully) so I want it to be how I want it. He called me selfish. I almost felt like should we even get married if we both feel so differently already.

OP posts:

Cliveybaby · 23/01/2018 16:22

Also a "save the date" is only sent to people who you're definitely inviting the wedding right?
So if you change it, you've basically uninvited them?
I'd be a bit miffed if a friend/family member did that tbh sorry

BikeRunSki · 23/01/2018 16:26

In a very similar situation a friend of mine cancelled everything, lost her deposits (around £1000 too I think), booked the next register office that had a Saturday morning slot, did the register office with her and her dh’s sisters and parents, linch st M&S. Home to change. Afternoon tea with friends in a hotel, about 20 guests in all. She and her DH stayed over. Everyone else went home about 6pm. She loved it.

Don’t continue making a mistake just because you’ve already spent time and money making it.

SurlyValentine · 23/01/2018 16:26

Is it only your family and friends commenting/pulling a face at your choices that has changed your mind? You were totally up for the idea of that venue and 40 guests before you started telling people what you were doing. I can only tell you what sensible people told me when DH and I were wedding-planning: "do what makes you and DP happy - nobody else. It's your day and you should do what you want to do." Luckily I'm a bit of a selfish cow so this aspect really wasn't a problem for me

Opinions are like arseholes; everyone's got one but it's very rarely of any interest to anyone else.

oursofas · 23/01/2018 16:27

As a guest, I wouldn't be bothered. It would annoy me, though, if I was your DF and we'd decided one thing, then you'd changed your mind. I'd be thinking "Why didn't you make your mind up before we spent a grand?!"

taskmaster · 23/01/2018 16:28

I tried reasoning with him that we only get married once (hopefully) so I want it to be how I want it

But not how he want's it? He's right, you are selfish. you agreed to something, you let him pay for it, now you want something different and don't care about what he wants or his money.
I'd tell him to leg it.

Tink2007 · 23/01/2018 16:32

Is DF your Dad or Fiancé?

I can understand why they would be upset about losing £1000. It is a hell of a lot of money.

Original poster

snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:33

To answer a few questions:- (sorry I didn't think I'd get so many responses!)

No one has booked rooms or anything because the save the date didnt have the location of where the wedding will be.
It was my fiance that paid the deposit, not my Dad - I knew that DF would be confusing!
I'd like to just invite our parents really.... peoples comments do get to me and I don't want to spend the entire day worrying if every guest is happy with everything I guess.

OP posts:

ExConstance · 23/01/2018 16:33

Never a good idea to start talking to the guests in advance about how the wedding will be organised, it is for you to decide. 40 people isn't a huge wedding, you can cut out all the bits that make you nervous such as speeches and first dances etc. no need really to have a top table or any of the other frippery. You could have a register office wedding a little earlier and just keep the booked venue for the reception.

Bluelady · 23/01/2018 16:33

It's your wedding. To hell with upsetting your guests, they're the reason you want to change your plans. Pay the money back, write it off and agree what you want with your man. Tell nobody any details so they can't get arsey. How dare people behave like this.

TrinitySquirrel · 23/01/2018 16:34

Pay your Dad back the £1000 and do what you want. It's your wedding, no one else's.

Anyone else saying they think your DF is right needs to give their head a f*cking wobble.

I hated my wedding day. Mostly because family in the run up to it had pulled faces over everything and ruined it for us really. They all had a ball and then said what good ideas they were. I was tired of justifying what we wanted because we knew it would be good.

If I ever get married again it will be small with a few friends and a huge cake and meal. In the country, away from all of them.

Original poster

snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:34

Sorry, but I think he's right. You both decided on a plan, paid a big deposit, sent out save the date invitations. It would be very rude to uninvite guests now. I think you should honour that commitment.

This is his stance - it made me not want the big wedding even more. Having a wedding for the sake of everyone else just grates me.

OP posts:

TrinitySquirrel · 23/01/2018 16:35

Ooh just read the update. Tell your fiance to piss off too. If you dont want to do it like that then neither of you do it.

Ask him if he really wants you to be unhappy on your wedding day.

ExConstance · 23/01/2018 16:35

Read the thread, Trinity, the very first line of OPs post says DF is Fiance.

whiskyowl · 23/01/2018 16:35

What about a half way house?

Get married with a tiny ceremony, cheaply, your way.

Then have a party to celebrate with friends and family, separately.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/01/2018 16:36

You're not changing the wedding details, though - you're uninviting people. You're saying, "You know I said I wanted you there? Well, I don't! Not any more."

If you were uninviting people because of an unexpected pregnancy or something like that, I think people would understand, but as it is I doubt they will. I think it's rude, really.

TrinitySquirrel · 23/01/2018 16:36

And if he doesn't change his mind, when you don't want to do it like that anymore... then yes LTB.

That's not how marriages work nor should begin.

kaytee87 · 23/01/2018 16:37

I think your df should have just as much say in this, you agreed on it beforehand. Why do you get to just change the plans if it's not what he wants too?

thecatsthecats · 23/01/2018 16:37

I feel like I'm on the opposite site of this problem. We too have just put our £1000 deposit down for our 2018 November venue.

My fiance loved the venue, but fretted for over a week about the choice because he was SO anxious that it would be good enough for people, and even said to me 'I'm not sure people will come'/'not sure people like me', which was heartbreaking.

(For what it's worth, the venue is a bit further away, but I come from a different part of the country so it means it will be in the middle of most guests, and most were expecting the wedding to be in the Lake District, where I'm from anyway. We've also secured very cheap accommodation, and will be providing all food and drink for the weekend and generally being accommodating and generous wherever we can).

The thing is.... this is your party to throw. I see the ceremony as our commitment to each other, and the reception as a big thank you to our guests and the opportunity, for a once in your life, to spoil them. You do that how you want, and people are incredibly rude to make you feel bad about it.

I've said to him that I don't want our lovely day to be made into a endless stream of people-pleasing, and I would be devastated if he wanted to change our plans in order to do even more of that.

So long story short - YABU to compromise on the day you wanted for the views of others.

(Oh and fiance cheered up considerably after this weekend, where we saw lots of friends and family who were very excited for us, and very warm in making arrangements).

Original poster

snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:38

Thanks @Trinity - this is exactly what I think will happen

OP posts:

ShastaTrinity · 23/01/2018 16:38

Its a bit weird to litterally disinvite people, but you are giving them plenty of warning, and ultimately it's your day.

You do need to discuss with your fiance further, maybe his family being there is really important to him? 40 guests means around 20 couples, 10 couples (ish) from each side, it's not that much at all. Some people would really want their brothers, sisters, parents and close uncles and best friends with them.

What about eloping? Would he be happy about that? It might be easier to tell his family not to come to the wedding if you've decided to do it on a whim on a beach, in vegas, or wherever you fancy, than telling them not to come when you are doing it in the same town.

Eliza9917 · 23/01/2018 16:40

Everyone is going to have an opinion. Ours got so stressful that we cancelled it and was going to elope to Vegas, but now I think we will have a small wedding here.

You have to ignore them and do & have what you want, don't tell people what you are planning or choosing either.

Viviennemary · 23/01/2018 16:40

It's really a bit late to change your mind. Why didn't you think about this before. Forty guests is really quite a small wedding in the grand scheme of things. The deposit is paid the save the date cards sent out. And now it's all up in the air. Not surprised your DF is annoyed. Who wouldn't be. It's not a marquee with butler service. Sit down and work out the costs. I don't think the save the date cards is a huge problem if the date was to be changed. . But to say to your guests oh well sorry you're not invited to our wedding after all because we're having a smaller wedding. That's really quite rude.

Original poster

snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:42

I've told him I will pay him back the thousand pounds...

OP posts:

Original poster

snash12 · 23/01/2018 16:44

This idea has been on my mind for a few weeks now. If I could I would do that tomorrow.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 23/01/2018 16:45

Having a wedding for the sake of everyone else just grates me.

But it's not just for the sake of everyone else - these are people your fiancé wants to invite and who YOU wanted to invite up until now. I have to say if my DH has forced me to uninvite people
I would have been mortified and really struggled to enjoy the day - it's different to deciding not to invite certain people in the first place. And you'll certainly hear people's opinions if you do that!

It's only 40 guests. You wanted them there initially. Just be firm when people start offering their opinions that you're not interested in hearing them.

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