To not have a 'runaway' fund?

[runawayfund]

Met a friend for coffee today and we got chatting. I told her how I was trying to start saving a bit of money each month to have a bit of financial back up in case the car breaks or we need a new dishwasher etc. She then told me she saves around £200 a month and puts it in her 'runaway fund'. She was horrified that I didn't know what a runaway fund was.

It's a account that she keeps secret from her husband in case they separate and she needs to leave the home or runaway for whatever reason. She said it's a bit of financial security for her should the worst happen between her and her husband. I asked if this meant she thought they were going I separate one day but she says they are very happy and she has no intention of leaving but also said every woman should have one. Now I'm wondering if I need to start my own runaway fund?! Although I would feel guilty keeping that from my DH. Had this always been a thing?

I wouldn't have a secret stash but I can see the sense in both partners having separate savings accounts so they have access to some funds if things go wrong.

I don't have a 'runaway' fund per second, but I do have my own current and savings account that I'm paid in to. As well as a joint account for day to day. DH has the same.its a bad idea to be wholly financially dependent or joined with someone.

I've read enough threads on MN to understand that many women would cut off their right arm to be able to have 6 months' rent saved up plus a bit more in order to leave a marriage which has become a nightmare.

If you are a high earner and can always support yourself, fair enough.

If as a couple have no savings or your DH is the main earner, you are going to be really stuffed if you want to leave and you can't because you don't have any money.

It's all very well saying 'you don't need a running away fund' but you don't know until you need it! it doesn't have to be a secret - adults should have their own savings accounts. It's a sign of being independent.

Yes but it's not a secret, dh has one too!

I saved money in DC names - which ended up as a safety net
ExDH went off with OW hours after I found out about his affair
In those few hours he emptied our joint bank account transferred all savings in joint names into his sole name - took me years to get back some of what I was entitled to legally as he hid and lied about the rest
His parting shot was to give me £50 to get some food shopping!!!
I’ve never had a joint account with anyone since and have always had savings no matter how small

As others have said I think it is sensible to have access to your own money. Me and OH both have our own savings, neither of us knows exactly how much the other has but we have a rough idea. As far as I know we both have it ear marked for retirement rather than running away, but that said we haven't locked it into pensions!

I do! It’s an account my dh knows nothing about. If he did find out/ask I would tell him about it, and it’s saved us from being destitute when he was made redundant, so it’s not just my escape plan.

I love and trust my dh and I am certain (as most people are we still be together for a very long time yet) but after seeing a couple of friends get royally screwed over with no access to any funds i decided it was worth it.

Sounds awful but after seeing someone I know was booted out of her home, all the online accounts passwords were changed and joint bank accounts drained she had nothing, no back up etc. I’d rather have a small amount than nothing at all.

A friend used to have one, itnwas her fuck-up fund. If something got fucked up it was there to take the hit, be it a broken washer, broken car, or broken relationship.

I have a "running away fund", but no one to ruin away from anymore. I was told many years ago by an older female friend, to have this and thought it was sound advise. You could of course, call it your savings account and share this info with your DP. I also have a funeral fund, so that no one has the financial burden of paying for that - they're bloody expensive

we also know how much is in each others savings accounts- not last because we have just done our tax and needed the bank statements to account for interest earned etc.

But I feel more secure knowing I have funds in my own name.

I can see why women would have one. If a woman needs to suddenly leave her H, she often the one in the weaker financial situation so it makes sense for her to protect herself.

Eg if all the money is on a joint account or on savings at his name, it makes sense to also have money on the aide kn case said disgruntled H is emptying the whole current account (far form been unheard of)

To the posters who said that in the event of their husband/partner dying suddenly, everything would be fine because they'd still be able to access the joint account - you probably would, but don't underestimate the amount of bureaucracy and expense associated with sudden deaths. Considering how much easier everything would be with a few hundred quid in your name to spend on essentials, why not? Even if you never need it, there may well be a time in your life that you want to buy or do something that for whatever reason you don't want to discuss with your partner.

Planning for the worst while optimistically not expecting it to happen is not a bad strategy in my book. It doesn't mean you don't trust your partner, but that you're a realist (even more important if you're married to a non-planner like me). All sorts of unexpected things can happen in life.

I honestly don’t know why the accounts were frozen - I was only 15 at the time and it was almost 30 years ago. But I do know with certainty that there were thousands and thousands of pounds of savings that we couldn’t touch - I remember DM showing me the paying in book and crying.

I have taken advice from the bank though about what would happen if we seperated, how I could apply for a mortgage etc - but that is mostly as I've emigrated so wanted to be clear about how things work.

ChaCha, I think it depends on the amount of money in the account. I had a joint account with DM and it wasn’t frozen. I was told by the bank that providing there was less than £50k (I think) I could continue using the account.

I call mine my “Leggit Fund”. Married 50 years but you never know. It is my cushion of reassurance,

DH was married before, and everything was in joint accounts. He came back froma aork trip abroad to find the locks changed, his wife had run off with her OM and she had emptied all the bank accounts.

The resulting divorce took 2 years and he spent a fair whack of that time sleeping on th sofas of friends and moving between spare rooms of family. Oddly enough, despite court orders his ex never handed over any of the money she had taken so he could rent a flat etc. (Turns out - at least 15 odd years ago- if an ex just refuses to obey a court order there appears to not be much that happens to them).

I've heard loads of similar stories from female friends also. So personally I think it just makes sense to have a security blanket of your own that you can rely upon when your whole life is fucked over.

I think it’s one of the single most important thing any member of a couple who is dependant on the other can do.

In the last few months I know 3 women who have been left by long term partner/ husband and left in the absolute financial shit! One guy came home from work one day, announced he never loved her, and left her with their baby after 4 years. She works full time but can't pay the rent on her own and has no savings for a deposit elsewhere. Another never even came home, he just text her to say it was over (together 5 years with a 1 year old - she's a SAHM with no money or qualifications). The third was married with 3 kids, came home from work to find a letter saying he wanted a divorce. He cleaned out their joint accounts and she had no private account, so was penniless. His note said not to bother asking for any of it back because he knew she'd "just done a big food shop" so she'd be fine. She works full time but had no money until the next month pay day! So, although I love my DP with all my heart and hope our love lasts forever, I most definitely have a runaway fund!

I think of mine as a 'just in case' fund. Partner is useless at saving, and says his parents would always help out anyway if need be as they have a bit of money. I cant live like that though and need keep my ISA topped up or i feel insecure. He knows i have it but not how much is in there.

I will say though that none of this was out of the blue - they were all having problems, but the women were still completely blindsided and fucked over by the manner in which they actually left.

@petbear

WHY?

Why a SECRET account?

Doesn't sound like a very healthy marriage .... at ALL.

Traditionally men were good at manipulating their wives into stupid hairbrained schemes, wasting/stealing the money, or lying by omission about money. And in turn, wives were more easily manipulated into going along with husbands’ bad or abusive ideas.

Husband drank the money and you can’t buy food? Dig into the pin money to keep you and the little ones going for a bit.

Husband slapped you for first time ever and totally out of the blue? Pack your shit and go with your secret fund while he’s out “getting some air”.

Women couldn’t even get credit cards in their own names until the early 80s in a lot places, let alone jobs or loans. Trust and financial independence for women is very new in relationships. In the history of the world it’s literally only been the last 20–30 years that men have stopped being vaguely shitty. Based on their track record of a few millennia, I’m going to keep a secret account. :)

We have separate savings accounts but I am afraid they are empty now after we bought our "forever home" and we had to pay every penny we had to get it (there were a few people who wanted it too and we managed to outbid them - just). Slowly building them up again though... but not at a rate of £200/month. Wish I had £200 spare to stash in my own private savings account! Anyway, both DH and I have our own bank accounts besides the joint account, and also our own credit cards, so either of us would manage if ending up stranded. But we've always worked and never depended on each other financially.

The name runaway fund is a bit harsh but I have also heard it called fuck you money.
Mine is also just incase. And it's more just my savings than relationship related. Nowhere near £200 a month and the furthest I'd be able to run would be the nearest Travelodge.

Neither of us has unknown savings. The idea of a runaway fund suggests a lack of either commitment or belief in the marriage. Ghastly idea that undermines marriage as a lifelong commitment.
We, of course has savings but they are for both of us.