To not have a 'runaway' fund?

[runawayfund]

Met a friend for coffee today and we got chatting. I told her how I was trying to start saving a bit of money each month to have a bit of financial back up in case the car breaks or we need a new dishwasher etc. She then told me she saves around £200 a month and puts it in her 'runaway fund'. She was horrified that I didn't know what a runaway fund was.

It's a account that she keeps secret from her husband in case they separate and she needs to leave the home or runaway for whatever reason. She said it's a bit of financial security for her should the worst happen between her and her husband. I asked if this meant she thought they were going I separate one day but she says they are very happy and she has no intention of leaving but also said every woman should have one. Now I'm wondering if I need to start my own runaway fund?! Although I would feel guilty keeping that from my DH. Had this always been a thing?

Anyone who is totally financially reliant on someone else is very foolish.

No one knows what the other partner has. How would one know?

If you’d read my post you’d see I see what comes in to and leaves our only account. No way he could hide significant sums of money.

So a separate (even secret) account is nothing but an intelligent way to run your life in case of emergency. Just a six month running fund.

How much would be in a secret six month running away fund? I’m sure if a female poster turned up in relationships saying her husband had hidden six months worth of money in a secret account, he’d be castigated as financially abusive.

Anyone who is totally financially reliant on someone else is very foolish.

Having joint finances doesn’t mean you’re financially reliant upon the other person.

After my bil had a stroke my sis found out he had over £80k stashed away

It happens

Each to their own.

I will always have my own separate fund and so will DP. I don't see the problem.

Joint assets, joint accounts no problem pays for everything jointly. But marriage/partnership does not mean giving up one's independent means either. QED.

My mil told me forty years ago that all women need running away money.

DH knows I have a "Fucking off from DH" account. I started it partly because I wanted to become a member of the local Credit Union (because I think socially they're a useful community asset) and partly because I was scared that if something did happen between us, I wouldn't have enough money to do anything about it, wouldn't be able to get out.

I put in a little each month by SO (nowhere near £200). It's building up, slowly but surely. I don't quite have enough for a rental deposit and first month in a flat but have enough that I could easily get to family at the other end of the country if necessary.

Joint assets, joint accounts no problem pays for everything jointly. But marriage/partnership does not mean giving up one's independent means either. QED.

Er, I’m not sure you know how what QED means.

I don't think it's unromantic to have a fuck off fund. It means I'm not "stuck" with DH, I'm ABLE to leave, but CHOSE not to. CHOSE to stay with him. Surely that's more romantic than the alternative?

Purple

The bottom line is that people need to be independent of each other financially, whilst at the same time running a household jointly.

Have you a problem with that?

If so, say it out.

The bottom line is that people need to be independent of each other financially, whilst at the same time running a household jointly.

Have you a problem with that?

I disagree that to be independent you have to have separate accounts. Plenty of us with joint accounts have the freedom to spend money exactly as we choose.

I notice you didn’t address my point about a man with six months worth of secret running away money being financially abusive towards his partner.

Pancake.

I agree. But many don't.

Anyway, just checked my emergency fund there and it is very healthy. I feel SO secure now. Thanks everyone.

I suppose you think my DH/P is a prick. Far from it, but one never knows!

I prefer to be prepared no matter what. Who really knows?

"I notice you didn’t address my point about a man with six months worth of secret running away money being financially abusive towards his partner. ".

DH had no emergency fund before me
I encouraged and reminded/nagged him to make one. If I die or lose the plot (it happens: strokes/trauma/early dimentia) I want him to be able to keep a roof over our kids!

It baffles me that people think they can predict their partners future actions, you can't even predict your own!!! Things happen that can change the sanest stablest of people....

pancake he doesn’t have a secret fund if you’ve told him to make it. I have no issue at all with people having their own accounts. It’s the deception I don’t like.

He could have more now, I don't know and wouldn't consider it "deception" as we both meet our agreed joint financial commitments so how we chose to spend it save what's left over after we pay bills and joint savings is up to him/me.

I think if you have the type of partner who would not like you having your own private accounts (after joint bills are paid) then you have more reason to need one than most..

I dislike the idea of dependent women ever.

OK, in a partnership/marriage it is right to contribute equally, but after that, it is my fund, and his.

I don't get all the worry going on about this. It is normal surely to be independent for your own sake, but to be a joint contributor to everything else in the marriage/partnership?

I really cannot see the issue at all.

But others may not see it the same way as we do.

I've never had a runaway fund, but I've always had a fuck off fund. If work becomes unbearable / they ask you to do something thoroughly unreasonable you can tell them to fuck off, hand in your notice and not be terrified about paying next month's rent.

Never had to use it yet, but I came close when one job / boss was so awful I ended up on antidepressants.

I saved into ISAs and called it my running away fund,my DD for a while believed me when I said it was so that I could run away when she hit adolescence.
I never dreamed Iwould need it and indeed I stayed iny marriage longer than I should have because I knew it was there and had a choice.When the choice went I could at least move and put a roof over my daughter and me.

Without a separate fund, you lose your identity and freedom to choose what you want. I know there are lots out there who will say NO, that is not the case we can spend what we want from that account and no one will question it. But still...

Joint accounts are fine but can be monitored closely by either or both sides.

Better to have your own and do what the heck you want. I would hate to have to account for expenditure on frivolities. And even if it isn't I still do not want to have to explain anything. That goes both ways BTW.

Marriage/partnership does not mean you abdicate your own independence does it?

Without a separate fund, you lose your identity and freedom to choose what you want. I know there are lots out there who will say NO, that is not the case we can spend what we want from that account and no one will question it. But still...

Maria how is it that you get to tell me how to feel about my own finances? What gives you the right to tell me I’ve lost my identity and freedom?

Joint accounts are fine but can be monitored closely by either or both sides.

It’s sensible to make sure the account has a healthy balance. That’s as far as our monitoring goes.

Better to have your own and do what the heck you want. I would hate to have to account for expenditure on frivolities. And even if it isn't I still do not want to have to explain anything. That goes both ways BTW.

You aren’t listening. On this thread (and the last where this issue came up) many many posters have explicitly said that they don’t have to ask for permission or explain their purchases to their partner. Since you don’t have a joint account, why don’t you listen to those if us that do about how it works?

Marriage/partnership does not mean you abdicate your own independence does it?

No. Neither does having a joint account.

@MarieNostra yes to everything you’ve said on this thread. Women should always have their private money that nobody else knows about. Always.

Have some of these posters forgotten the lessons taught by our mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, sisters, aunts, neighbours, etc? There are so many women who have gotten themselves and their families out of scrapes using pin money.

A previous poster mentioned women used to have valuable jewelry. Exactly. How do you think so many refugee families make/made it out of war torn countries, fled the Holocaust or emigrated in general? You will always need a secret back up.

I sincerely hope none of the handwringing posters on here ever have to learn the hard way. This isn’t about feelings or even trust. It’s about being prepared and covering your ass.

Purple

you said this about me....

Since you don’t have a joint account, why don’t you listen to those if us that do about how it works?

Where did I EVER say that we didn't have a joint account for joint spending?

You’re being deliberately obtuse Maria.

You know I mean only a joint account without separate accounts for “personal” money.

I have some savings independent of my relationship hadn’t thought of it as a runaway fund but maybe more of an independence fund. Might be needing it sooner than I thought and am extremely relieved I kept it all now.

@JingsMahBucket

I agree with you. It is all about being independent and having an independent stash, and then you can hopefully cope with what life throws at you. Independently.