To not have a 'runaway' fund?

[runawayfund]

Met a friend for coffee today and we got chatting. I told her how I was trying to start saving a bit of money each month to have a bit of financial back up in case the car breaks or we need a new dishwasher etc. She then told me she saves around £200 a month and puts it in her 'runaway fund'. She was horrified that I didn't know what a runaway fund was.

It's a account that she keeps secret from her husband in case they separate and she needs to leave the home or runaway for whatever reason. She said it's a bit of financial security for her should the worst happen between her and her husband. I asked if this meant she thought they were going I separate one day but she says they are very happy and she has no intention of leaving but also said every woman should have one. Now I'm wondering if I need to start my own runaway fund?! Although I would feel guilty keeping that from my DH. Had this always been a thing?

Because you're arguing that all women need such funds, so that is what you are discussing. Did you confuse yourself? unsurprising when youre not making any sense I suppose.

@stickytoffeevodka - sorry just coming back to the thread now.

No, he can't. Not where we live at least. All of our accounts are joint and need 2 signatories for withdrawals of over $10,000. We also live offshore so banks don't really work the same here, and we can't do online transfers between banks.

So if DH wants to empty our accounts, he would have to have a duffel bag, and fill it with cash, then attempt to go and take it to another bank and deposit it which is near impossible due to money laundering regulations here.

Having said all that, none of the above is going to happen because given our current set up, he's far more financially vulnerable than I am. Sure in a normal world, he could quite easily go and empty our accounts with ID but then so can I. And given I deal with all the banking and have all the passwords, I'm the one in control.

All things being equal though, I have to be in control of the money and if I wasn't (or I didn't have total transparency in relation to family money and accounts), then I would have a separate bank account which I would put money into, yes.

I don't have a run away fund but have access to all our finances.
I don't think it's good for a husbsnd or wife to have secret accounts and money stashed away. Well in most marriages anyway.
I would be very upset if I found my DH was secretly saving money in case we break up.
We have been happily married for 33 years and neither of us would want to split up

Because you're arguing that all women need such funds, so that is what you are discussing. Did you confuse yourself? unsurprising when youre not making any sense I suppose.

No! I can't take your razor sharp barbs! They are so cutting! I'm melting! Melting!

I am indeed saying that I think it's a good idea for potentially financially vulnerable people - and I'm sorry to say that that is often what women with kids are - to have a fund of some sorts, just in case. Call it a runaway fund, a fuck off fund, an emergency fund, that which we call a nose would still smell.

You think it's dishonest and the sign of being a 'not nice person' if they don't make it public, well.... unfortunately for half the posters on the Relationships board, your personal character approval will not buy them and their kids an emergency haven for a couple of weeks. Oh well. Desperate times....

do you think you are funny? You're not. You haven;t understood a word.

I don't think it's good for a husbsnd or wife to have secret accounts and money stashed away. Well in most marriages anyway.

I 100% agree with this. At least half of marriages will never break down. I think the stronger you believe your marriage is, the less need to feel vulnerable enough to have a secret account.

do you think you are funny? You're not. You haven;t understood a word.

Then perhaps you should no longer cast your pearls in my unworthy direction?

(Actually, would you? I'll add them to my fund.)

My MIL's friend was married for over 50 years. A great marriage! However, when he died, she discovered that he'd re-mortgaged the house (still don't know why and where the money went) and so she had to move out because she couldn't afford it.

Bet she wishes she'd had an emergency fund.

I don't think it's good for a husbsnd or wife to have secret accounts and money stashed away. Well in most marriages anyway.

100% agree also with the exception of a joint escape plan in the event you all need to get out.

@coffeeforone I'll say again - do you think these people went into their relationships knowing they'd go bad, and you/pp are just somehow better choosers of people, which makes you completely immune to any such eventuality, ever?

Humans are infallible, it's what makes us human. Stuff happens, people change, skies fall in on relationships.

Why do people take out life assurance, or house/car insurance?

Well we all know we are not going to keel over in the morning don't we, and we will never have a burglary, flood, a leaking pipe that sends the ceiling down, or a fire, or a car accident. Yep it is called insurance JUST IN CASE.

I know, I know that's all above board and not secret.

My feeling on the matter is that whether it needs to be secret or not, every woman needs an emergency fund. An insurance policy against future disasters.

The arrogance and judgmental tone of some on here is just beyond belief.

Little wifey/partner trusts her man completely. Yep, until the insurance policy needs to be called in.

It is called independence, and every woman should have independent funds. Every woman whether they think their relationship is rock solid or not. No one knows what life can throw at you.

every woman should have independent funds. Every woman whether they think their relationship is rock solid or not. No one knows what life can throw at you

But why on earth would you keep these funds secret from your husband/wife is beyond me. If you have a bank/savings account in your name then that would suffice in an emergency.

do you think these people went into their relationships knowing they'd go bad, and you/pp are just somehow better choosers of people, which makes you completely immune to any such eventuality, ever?

Not completely immune no, but definitely not likely enough to have a secret stash of money put aside for it. My DH will NEVER want to divorce. He was born and brought up in a county where divorce rates are about 1%. That I think reduces the likelihood. If something did happen, I say again, I have a bank account and a job that are my own. I would be no better or worse off than he would be. So I’d never hide money on the rare off-chance, just like he never would

Just to mention I have never said such funds should be SECRET, but sometimes women get a feeling and then it might just have to be so for her own protection/escape.

I am talking generally about having an independent fund for a feeling of security if anything untoward happened.

I think I would call that an intelligent and forward thinking thing to do.

But I forgot. Women should never do this.

I hope their men are upfront about their own stash too.

Anyway. I will never be dependent on my DH nor he me. We earn equally more or less and do our own thing outside the joint account for joint bills/holidays etc.

Can anyone see anything wrong with that?

I suppose some will, because they have attached themselves to a totally joint/family income thing.

Do you all know and are you certain that your partner/husband does NOT have an independent stash? Bet you don't how would you?

Oh, I forgot, he is a diamond and would never do anything wrong.

OK.

every woman should have independent funds. Every woman whether they think their relationship is rock solid or not. No one knows what life can throw at you

IF THEY WANT TO OR FEEL THE NEED. Don't be so unbearably arrogant. Don't tell all women what they should do.
Especially when you have no understanding at all of other peoples set ups.

taskmaster.

You sound quite angry there. Did I hit a nerve perchance.

Why do you take out insurance on something that might never happen could I ask, politely?

I think every woman should have both independent funds and independent income. I don't see why the funds have to be secret though, unless you're already in a situation where you think they need to be hidden from your partner. In which case it would sound like things were going a bit to shit already. My DH and I both have our own money.

Do you all know and are you certain that your partner/husband does NOT have an independent stash? Bet you don't how would you?

I’m 100% certain he doesn’t. I’d notice from his bank statements (I do the filing) they are very short - a transfer to the joint account and his wages each month - that’s it. Definitely no other income going into a different account!

coffee,

Glad to hear it. But you will never know either sorry about that. What if he had a stash before you met and kept it to himself.

Look, I know it is not essential for many a couple, but I just like my independence in certain things, my own stash (open and visible to DH, but he doesn't care) is one of them.

I fail to see the problem at all.

I, like many other women, am a feminist, and I will ALWAYS have my own means/stash/account.

Why should I have to justify that.

You sound quite angry there. Did I hit a nerve perchance

I don't sound anything deaie, its text. Irritation at most.

You are arrogant and rude to tell other woman what they should all do. You don';t understand my finances or why I don't need what you think I need.
I'll say again: if a woman posted here saying she had discovered her husband had a hidden stash of money you would be screaming how awful he was.

Quite task its ridiculous. But no, we are deluded and "arrogant" for not seeing it as a huge risk that our DHs will not only leave us but entirely screw us over. To avoid this fate we must squirrel away a runaway fund like a victorian parlourmaid despite being sensible women perfectly able to earn our own livings. Bonkers.

There are lots of things that worry me and "might" happen, sure DH might turn out to be an arch bastard but believe me on the evidence before me that risk is pretty damn low. I have never come across anyone anecdotally to whom this has happened either. Even divorced friends everyone behaved pretty decently. Maybe if I had seen this happen to my peers I might perceive it as more of a risk. The thing that keeps me awake at night is cancer. I see that all the time and have lost friends my age to it. Thats my worry.

What if he had a stash before you met and kept it to himself.

He didn’t. Trust me.

coffee,

I am not the one that needs to trust you at all. And I am speaking generally, not just about your own cast iron circs either.

No one knows. That is the reality. Neither do you really. There are ways to hide things.

taskmaster,

I have said it already about the male potential stash also.

Why do you take out insurance on something that might never happen could I ask, politely?

Because there is a good chance it could happen: fire, theft accident etc. All could happen.
My husband stealing all our money and running off could not happen. So why would I need insurance against that?