To not have a 'runaway' fund?

[runawayfund]

Met a friend for coffee today and we got chatting. I told her how I was trying to start saving a bit of money each month to have a bit of financial back up in case the car breaks or we need a new dishwasher etc. She then told me she saves around £200 a month and puts it in her 'runaway fund'. She was horrified that I didn't know what a runaway fund was.

It's a account that she keeps secret from her husband in case they separate and she needs to leave the home or runaway for whatever reason. She said it's a bit of financial security for her should the worst happen between her and her husband. I asked if this meant she thought they were going I separate one day but she says they are very happy and she has no intention of leaving but also said every woman should have one. Now I'm wondering if I need to start my own runaway fund?! Although I would feel guilty keeping that from my DH. Had this always been a thing?

winebottle

I "surrendered" absolutely nothing when I got married. This isn't the 1800s.

PoorYorick You are legally required to financially support you husband and he is legally required to support you. You aren't independent.

If he fucked off - which I don't foresee, but I don't have a crystal ball - I would be able to support myself. Partly with the help of my fund. That is independence.

He could support himself too, but he earns three times what I do, so nobody would be worrying about his finances.

I hope the worst would never happen, but if it did, I wouldn't have to 'think of something' or 'figure it out somehow'...I'd have means in place to get sorted.

Winebottle - I 100% agree with you and feel the same about my marriage

No matter how much in love you are, there really should be one or two things which, if they did happen, you should not tolerate.

Some people know there marriage is strong enough and are pretty sure those intolerable things would never happen. They certainly wouldn’t literally ‘put money on it’.

Some people know there marriage is strong enough and are pretty sure those intolerable things would never happen.

And lots of people 'knew' the same thing and were wrong - check out the Relationships board.

I don't believe my husband would ever abuse me, or I him, but if one of us did, the other should not stay and put up with it because 'we will always be married come what may'. That's dangerous madness.

We have one joint account but other than that hubby and I keep our finances completely separate and it works well for us.

I don't think I could ever depend on one person so heavily that all our finances have to be joint, that I would stay in my marriage "come what may." I'm my own person, not some bloody half of my husband.

Good grief what a load of 1950's bullshit.

I am not submitting to anyone when I get married, nor am I surrendering my independence - financial or emotional

You already have actually by getting married. Neither of you can get divorced and say "this is mine you can sod off" it's all on the table.

No, she hasn't @KERALA1

Having your asset division subject to court involvement isn't losing independence. I contributed about 80% of the assets to my marriage - if I came out with 50%, I'd still be independent. Or even less.

Time after time after time on the Relationships board women are posting "I don't think I can afford to leave". It's a real problem.

My dad, who is generally had a metal breakdown and made some awful devosions, leaving himself bankrupt and my parents home was repossessed. My mum had no idea that things had got that bad until it was too late. Their marriage of 30 years didn't survive but my mum did precisely because she had a bank of savings dad knew nothing about. If he had known about them he'd have talked her into handing them over. My dad is not a bad man he was just very ill. That can happen to anyone.

Incidentally my parents are good friends now and my mum has forgiven him, although she would never go back to him. The money she squirreled away gave her that option.

I stand my my opinion that any money in a marriage should be joint and there shouldn’t be secret money anywhere.

Aside from the fact that I truly believe marriage is for life, if I could imagine DH did something intolerable, then half the equity in the house would legally be mine, half of our money would be mine. We both have decent jobs earning about the same. I think we’d both take an equal hit financially if we couldn’t pool our finances but I certainly wouldn’t be worse off than he would be. No need at all to put money aside for this eventually - I’d just deal with it if it ever happens.

Half the equity won't help you if the house is repossessed...

Wouldn’t help DH either though...

No but you'd be less fucked if you had a few grand to rent somewhere.

I do have my own savings. I also have my own bank account. I love my DH but after being fucked over by an ex financially and being left struggling to feed 2 small children, there is no WAY that is ever happening again.

I have a normal bank account that is not secret...that I could use to pay rent.

IMO there is a massive difference between:

A) having a bank account/savings in your single name, your DH is aware of it and it’s part of the family income/savings but he would need to go via you to access it.

B) having a secret account that he knows nothing about

A) is sensible, B) is dishonest

For many women, some of whose stories are shared on here, being dishonest was how they got free of terrible situations that were not of their making.

I've been married for 18 years and have never had a joint account. So I'm fully prepared .

The only thing I really worry about is that if anything happened to him (went missing or mental), that I would have no access to his accounts. Or would I if I was married?

For many women, some of whose stories are shared on here, being dishonest was how they got free of terrible situations that were not of their making

which only goes to prove my point. The fact that they needed those hidden funds meant that they had a bad relationship.

But you're forgetting the many more women who have perfectly good relationships and so don't post about them on here.

I doubt they started off thinking "I know! I'll get into a shitty relationship, that sounds like a great idea!"

The fact that they needed those hidden funds meant that they had a bad relationship.

But in your world, they're bad people for having these funds.

But you're forgetting the many more women who have perfectly good relationships and so don't post about them on here.

Why would I discuss something that we're not discussing?