To feel that you cant talk about being proud to bf?

[TwilightRiver]

Just to start I am not trying to be goady, and not wanting this to be bf vs ff.

I respect everyones right to choose how to feed their baby.

I haven been bf my lo for 5 months and am very proud of that fact. I have had very little problems and been fortunate enough to have avoided mastitis and thrush so far but its still been so bloody hard.

I have close friends that have babies amd chose to ff . I feel that i can't talk about it for fear of them thinking im getting at them or getting into a whole debate.

I also find that people find its's acceptable to make comments to a mum in regard to bf. 'Maybe theyre not getting enough' "They need water' 'no one else gets to feed, when you giving a bottle'. They wouldn't dream of making such comments to a mother whos ff or criticize her for her choice.

This is also extended to medical professionals. Here ff babies are weighed when born and again when transfered to hv. No weigh ins with midwife on return from hospital. where as bf babies are weighed on return fron hispital then 5 days then weekly. Apparently this is because they know how much ff babies are getting. Its like they are going back on the whole 'breast is best' and expecting you to fail. Or should be the same policy regardless of method of feeding.

sleeping the last one was the context I was meaning :)

It gets even worse when you are still feeding after six months in my experience. So many people have asked if I am going to stop soon!

I got some very raised eyebrows and judgemental looks on the paediatric surgical ward when DS2 was 18 months old and still breastfed. From nurses and other HCPs.

Funnily enough they changed their tune a bit when they saw how quickly it calmed him down after he came round from the anaesthetic, rather than having an extended bout of outraged screams.

Which is one of the apparently stupid and self-indulgent and smug (have I missed any?) reasons I kept feeding. I fed DS1 for the same length of time but found it much harder going with DS2.

I feel bloody proud that I BF. Getting it established was the hardest thing I've ever done but I stubbornly battled through. In the end I BF for 2 years which is practically unheard of in real life and again something I am very proud of.

In a society where FF is the norm and there are so many myths about BFing it is incredibly difficult to get past the first few days. Anybody who does it should feel proud.

I would never voice this IRL though for fear of upsetting anybody. So I know exactly what the OP means.

I breastfed for 12 months and found it very difficult the first few weeks. I think the only reason I stuck with it so long was because of how hard it initially was so I was determined! I wouldn't say I was proud but I was happy. There's almost an assumption that you won't be able to. And formula is so expensive. So I was happy I was able to breastfeed. My group of "mum" friends were all really supportive too, we supported each other however we fed our babies. Because were not judgemental cows. We never sneered at each other for being happy to breastfeed or formula feed.

Rumpledfaceskin

I disagree. If we could rely on wet and dirty nappies alone, they wouldn't bother weighing. It can be hard to monitor a very new baby's wet nappies.

I explained in my earlier post that I have friends who had thought they were getting on fine but the babies turned out to be dropping worrying amounts of weight. If they had gone by how many nappies they were getting through, it would not have been picked up on. I don't know about other people's experiences here but my HV expressed to me very clearly when she came the first time, that it's very normal for a breast fed baby to lose SOME weight initially and not to be worried about it. It's not about making sure they're 'gaining weight rapidly' it's about making sure they're not losing dangerous amounts of weight.

I don't believe there is the same need for it with FF babies but sure, it wouldn't hurt to keep it the same.

Either way, I don't understand the need for continuous weekly weigh ins if there is no previous reason for concern...

rainbows of course there are circumstances where it's better for a particular baby to be formula fed. Formula wasn't invented to give women a choice, it was created for medical reasons when it was absolutely necessary. The fact that it does now give women a choice is a benefit of that, not the original point.

One of my sons absolutely needed specialist formula. In a way we were very lucky that he was seriously ill when he was born so that he was in nicu, his blood sugars were therefore being monitored and they spotted a problem before any harm could come to him. The only way to keep him safe was to give him iv dextrose, and then a carefully balanced diet of breast milk, high energy formula and carb supplements. If he'd had a normal birth, and I'd just taken him home and bf him, he'd now be brain damaged, and there are quite a few other kids in just that situation which is heartbreaking.

I joined a large fb bfing group while I was desperately trying to pump for my twins since the couldn't latch correctly and one needed this special cocktail (that need is what kept me pumping for 7 months, every 2 hours to ensure there was enough and still having to supplement the other twin). I had people scoff "of course there's no medical reason why a baby NEEDS formula", along with "well I don't agree with ff for any reason". Oh and "prematurity doesn't affect breastfeeding" - riiiiiight, I'm sure having no skin to skin, being separated from your mother for 23 hours a day at least and not being allowed to attempt to latch has no effect on ability to feed or supply 🙄

All of this "wisdom" is one thing when you're talking about healthy Tull term babies but certain opinions get bandied around as fact (e.g. That utter bollocks of food before one just being for fun). If I sound pissed off it's because I am - at the most difficult point of my life I was treated like shit by those women, and their attitudes significantly contributed to my deteriorating mental health.

Because were not judgemental cows. We never sneered at each other for being happy to breastfeed or formula feed
This. I couldn't bf, just pumped and I could only feed exclusive bm for 4 months because once we were discharged at 13 weeks I found it hard to pump. Dried u totally at 6 months. My other friend bf for 6 months exactly because she wanted her body and some freedom back. My other friend is still feeding at just under 2 and one os still feeding at 2.5 years. One ff because she couldn't bf and one ff because she wanted to. None of us have ever been judgemental or bitchy because all our babies are fed, loved and the moms are mentally happy with their choice

Elephant I’m sorry but I can not believe that anyone nowadays can not spot the signs for baby not getting enough. You are sent home with an exact description and picture of what poos should look like and how often they should be. I fail to believe that you can think you’re getting on fine only to be told your baby is losing weight and have no idea. My baby dropped about 13% weight (we were already in hospital for a week post birth anyway so we weren’t re admitted) but you could see her shrivel before your eyes. I’m not saying weigh ins shouldn’t happen, of course it’s important to measure over weeks, but hv will weigh daily or every other day (not enough time for there to be a diff between weigh ins) at the start if there’s concern. The concern will often be a dramatic weight drop soon after birth which is actually not abnormal and not dangerous, as long as there are wet dirty nappies. If you talking a baby that’s been home weeks or months and is still dropping weight, yes that’s probably a concern.

I hear you OP and like you have said most of the negative, rude and belittling replies you have received here just prove your point even more.

Being a BF mother in FF environment just talking about feeding feels like treading on eggshells just in fear of offending anyone, and it does, more often than not, feel like the other side is trying to get you to stick a bottle in your baby; 'she'll sleep better with some formula before bed', 'why don't you give yourself a break', 'breastfeeding isn't compatible with modern life', 'how long are you planning to breastfeed?' Are some of the comments I have received.
The one I hated most actually came from a paediatrician when my daughter was 3 days old and we were referred to hospital to make sure her jaundice wasn't too serious. There I was a first time mum with a little newborn, struggling to do right by my baby and a young doctor standing in front of me talking about supplementing her with an incredible amount of formula even though she was getting plenty of breast milk, casually saying to me 'it's not like you are going to breastfeed her for long, no one wants to walk around with a baby attached to them for months'. I was so shocked and out of my comfort zone I didn't say anything back.
Asking how long I was planning on BFing for I thought was a disheartening thing to ask, too. I don't supposed FF mums get asked how long they plan on giving milk to their babies? Like asking oh jeez how long are you gonna abuse yourself for then have you set a deadline for it?

We are the minority so I guess feeling like the outsiders isn't to be unexpected. I just wish that at least amongst mums we didn't have to watch the way we talk about feeding our baby. But, to be honest, since the day I started telling people I was pregnant I was slapped in the face by how anything baby related can and probably will offend a bunch of people out there. Everyone is just trying to do the right thing and have different opinions about what that is or how it should be done.

Yes, breastfeeding is natural. I'm sorry to say it is a tad harder than taking a shit. I am also sorry to say that in this day and age in the place that we live in it IS an achievement and it IS something to be proud of, if you could and chose to do it. That isn't taking away from those who couldn't, or those who stopped.

Like anything in life, you just have to be happy with the way you are doing it, surround yourself with likeminded people as much as you can, and be a kind person. If you don't get kindness and support in return, just ignore that person. They're probably in a tough situation/had a shit day/had a difficult experience regarding the thing you're talking about / are just a nasty person you shouldn't be around.

I'd be a dick if I went on and on about running a marathon to my friend who had just lost the use of her legs

As a disabled person, I have to say my circle of friends go on a bout running all the bloody time. My DH is training for an Ironman for Christ's sake.

Do find it a little tedious and insensitive? Hell yes.

Do I whinge and insist they stop because they are making me feel bad? Er no. They are talking about a normal and healthy pastime; I'd be doing it myself if I could. I have no right to belittle and ignore someone else's valid achievements to make myself feel better.

Op I can absolutely assure that when you get past the baby stage and your baby turns into a child not a single solitary person will give a fuck how your fed it. Not one. Nobody. At all. It's such a non-issue.

How about everyone stops having a go at this mummy for feeling proud of herself?
She didn't say anything against ff so if it makes you feel inferior then surely that is your problem? No?

But who has said it's stupid, smug or self indulgent to bf? It has been suggested, depending on the delivery of her opinion, it may sound smug to others to say she was proud to bf, not to bf per se.

Lots of folk on this thread, calling women martyrs for breastfeeding if it’s difficult, there’s no point to it, etc etc.

And lots of people saying that being proud is ridiculous. Not talking about it - just the state of being quietly proud.

It’s taken a year to realise, but actually I now feel extremely proud that I didn’t breastfeed. The first three weeks of son’s life will always be marked by a fug of self-loathing, panic and failure as I paid for consultant after consultant, went to workshop after workshop, and worked myself into such a state that I couldn’t seem to get BF right I did almost irreparable damage to my mental health, not to mention mastitis do severe I couldn’t even hold my baby. So I am really proud of myself for recognising that enough was enough, and deciding to FF and actually enjoy my son.

It's a subject that's better avoided, I find. Like being a SAHM instead of putting a baby in a nursery. Your choice is taken as criticism of their choice.

Except, in both cases, it isn't always a choice. There are many mothers find it difficult to bf and many mothers who can't afford to stay at home and look after their babies themselves.

It's just good manners not to go on about it. Pick your audience and avoid upsetting people in a different situation from you.

Being proud of something you already said you had no major issues with seems a bit smug. Pride is from overcoming adversity where other people may not have managed to, isnt it?
If you didnt have any issues as such then pride starts to sound a bit like "im proud I wasnt lazy and ff" which then sounds like "ff is what lazy people do".

Ok rumple... so my friends were lying? What a bizarre thing to lie about.

Things that might seem obvious to someone on a normal day, might not be during those first crazy weeks with a newborn- particularly if the mother in question had a long or traumatic birth. Your mind can be all over the place in those early days.

It might have been obvious to you but you can't speak for everyone else.

Elephant I’m not saying they were lying, just that you may not have full understanding of their true situation and that I find it hard to believe they thought b/feeding was going swimmingly when their babies were losing ‘worrying’ amounts of weight. It doesn’t quite add up but even if this were the case this would be a classic example of a hv/health professional not supporting those women properly. Baby losing weight always seems to equal immediate suggestion of formula because it’s easier for hv who then don’t have to bother to do as many home visits. Every hv I’ve met has been positively anti breastfeeding. I’d be interested in hearing others experience of this rather than having to defend the OP for daring to be positive about b/feeding!

YANBU. Wow so many awful comments! Don't worry OP they just prove your point. I'm very proud of breastfeeding my 2. I did have problems (tongue tie, poor latch, mastitis, oh and life threatening multiple allergies that mean I have to be dairy, egg, wheat and soya free to breastfeed my allergic son!) And I think all those things make me proud to have breastfed. If it was a completely smooth ride then I suppose it would be neither here or there so I wouldn't be as proud but I know what you mean. It's almost as if you shouldn't dare mention it!

*Today 11:24 FlyingElbows

Op I can absolutely assure that when you get past the baby stage and your baby turns into a child not a single solitary person will give a fuck how your fed it. Not one. Nobody. At all. It's such a non-issue.*

I care how I fed my babies, I'm sure OP will too. I don't expect others to, nor does OP.

She may well be feeding that child past the baby stage too, as many people do.

A non-issue? Not sure that's true. What and how we feed our children is the subject of a lot of research, interest and discussion. Maybe just not in your area of interest.

Ff get not criticism?! Hollow laughter here

Not really something to be proud of unless you overcame massive obstacles on the way. Bit like being proud to be gay or trans - it just is what it is, no fanfare required.

WOMEN - do you not know by now that we should just shut the fuck up about EVERYTHING -

Breast feed your weans - stfu about it
Formula feed your weans - stfu about it
Work - stfu about it
SAHM - stfu about it
Get pissed - stfu about it
Sober - stfu about it
On a diet - stfu about it
Tory - stfu about it
Leftie/Liberal - stfu about it
Go on holiday - stfu about it
Skint all the time - stfu about it

Seriously women - just stop talking to each other about your lives, feelings, ambitions, beliefs, interests, children............ or we could try to stop taking other people's experiences as an insult. What other people do with their children and what they feel is none of my business and nothing to do with me. I own my own actions and experiences and feelings.

I absolutely feel a sense of pride that I did manage to BF each of my DC for a year+. That was despite not having known anybody who had BFing experience, pretty much no help from the midwife/hospital, and despite having hideous mastitis with one baby.

I also had the problem with each baby of their growth not matching 'the charts' because of 'the charts' being based on the growth rate of FF babies.

It did seem at times that as much as the NHS wants to promote BF, the people I came into contact with did their best to put me off - with my first (when I was nervous about the whole thing) anyway.

Having said all that, I have never felt the need to share my sense of pride with anybody else in RL - I am happy for myself and my DC, that's it.