Aibu to ask if you are living the life you hoped for?

[thelastjedi]

Hi all,

Just wanted to get some views to see if people are living he life they want to live basically being nosey.

On paper I have the life I've always aspire to have, two kids, my own home, a very good career that lets me work 4 days a week with pension, good holidays etc.

In reality I am so tired from keeping up this existence and I have a bad hip/pelvis which started to play up over a year ago and hasn't been right since. I'm still young-ish and I just feel I'm on the treadmill of life, commute, pick ups from after school club and childminders and rushing around like a maniac every evening before bedtime only to have very early starts the next day with a long commute to work.

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self that by the time I was 30 I would have a great career,two gorgeous kids and my own (mortgaged) place, younger self would have thought my life was set. Present self feels like it's not all it's cracked up to be.

So.... is it normal to feel this way or would you say your life is what you expected it to be and do you enjoy it?

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful but sometimes I wish life would let me have time to take stock of things instead of moving in a hurried blur.

Yes and no.

So glad I've sacrificed what others take for granted such as finding a "perfect husband"to focus on my career and now I can look forward to a great career with very high earning prospects. I know I don't need to rely on anyone regardless of what happens.

On the flip side I'm now trying to find my "equal" as I don't think I'll be compatible with someone who doesn't have similar achievements and I've certainly met a few but these type of men don't tie down easily. I have actually previously been in a long term relationship too.

Hoping to improve the man situation over coming year and maybe even a family though that wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

Well before I got pregnant I thought I'd be dead! I was a drug addict which was entirely my own choice and fault but I do think my two abusive (sexual, physical and emotional) relationships contributed. I suffered many rapes and conceived my son.

But, my son saved my life and is the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't flame me but I met someone whilst pregnant and fell in love. Karma got me back for that though as he cheated so I'm a single mum and it's been very very hard emotionally and financially but it has been the making of me. I'm so strong now, no one walks all over me any more.

And I've just got the job I wanted albeit for shit pay but I'm hoping once I have the experience I can improve the pay. And I've been steadily seeing someone for around 9 months who I'm really happy with for now.

When I was young I wanted a decent career and to be married and have loads of kids. None of that has worked out but I'm so proud of myself and who I am. I've been through so much but I'm still here.

Don't flame me but I met someone whilst pregnant and fell in love. Karma got me back for that though as he cheated so I'm a single mum

You did nothing wrong and this is nothing to do with 'karma', it's to do with shit circumstances. I'm glad your life is taking a turn for the better.

Yes. Living the life and lifestyle I always wanted. Very happily married to DH. Two genuinely nice teenage DDs at an all girls' grammar, and they never give us a moment's worry. I work part time in a job I enjoy, and DH runs a successful business so we have no money worries. Nice holidays, eat out a lot, have a cleaner, DH indulges my mild shopping addiction

We live in a pretty period house, in a naice village and have a good social life with plenty of good friends. We both have close knit families, too.

I honestly don't see how it could get any better than this? I'm very happy and content - but I do know how lucky I am, and I am grateful for my life every day.

No. I'm comfortable and secure and settled with my DH and it if I did nothing it would stay like this until I retire, but I'm making plans to pack it all in to emigrate because I hate it here.

Thank you PoorYorick

But, before my life sounds too idyllic there is a shadow side too.

I am currently supporting my Mum through a shock, stage 4 cancer diagnosis + on going treatment. I spend a lot of my free time in hospitals or liaising with her various HCPs. I don't begrudge a moment of it but it is very draining, both emotionally and physically.

And the sudden death of your FIL this weekend too TheOtherGirl! I admire your Dunkirk spirit in still seeing how wonderful life is. When my dad died it was the end of the world. With that and your mum, you must have a lot on your plate at the moment. Unmumsnetty hugs.

Ta CK. I'm not one for wallowing or ever feeling sorry for myself, really. Onwards and upwards etc. I have to be strong for DH right now.

Mum's prognosis isn't totally black. She has a rare gene mutation which means she is suitable for immunotherapy, so that's something to be grateful for.

That's a tiny bit positive then. When you said Stage 4 it normally doesn't bode well - though I had a friend amazingly recover from stage 4 Breast Cancer (at least for now). Will she get the treatment she needs in your NHS trust?

CK that's good news for your friend. Every little bit of positive news really helps.

We find out this week exactly what treatment they can offer, but her consultant was very encouraging and positive about it, so we're hopeful.

Anyhow - I got diverted. When I was 17, I wanted to be a travel agent and have lots of kids. Neither of these came true. I did escape my home town though, which I was desperate to do, but in some ways slightly regret it as we don't see the family so often, and I feel I am depriving dc of the life growing up with cousins that I had. I don't regret any of the choices I have made, but am aware that we are not as secure as I would have liked to have been. If I dropped dead tomorrow I would say I have had a great life. Been lots of places, met lots of people, had an interesting career etc. I do want to make some changes though for the next part of it.

No I'm single aged 46 , dating but am too fussy and so not found anyone but don't want to grow old alone like my mum after making bad choices

My life’s a funny one. At 18 I was a homeless druggy mess. I then fell into a short lived abusive marriage and had two DC close together. We lived in a council house in a scummy area and were very poor.

Fast forward 14 years or so and I live with my wonderful DH (and he really is a good one), in a large detached house on a private estate in a beautiful village. We have no money worries, all the trappings of a ‘middle class’ lifestyle, a thriving social life these days and I’m now close to my parents. The kids are a joy (mostly!) and DH and I have had a third. We don’t ever argue and I’m a SAHM and literally living the dream.

The flip side is that I’m quite severely mentally ill (although doing well right now) and in my depressed states our lovely life is a bit of a trigger. I feel like it doesn’t belong to me and that I’ve somehow cheated fate and it will all fall apart.

Not really, no.
But it's not all that bad.
My early "dreams" were far too materialistic and high-flying - expecting to make a heap of money doing something amazing that would make me famous - but I hadn't the application to follow through. And by the time I left university, that dream had been replaced with "trying to make a difference in the world", which I did by working for the NHS for 10y, and then moving on to other things.
I still think I could have made more of myself but I'm too lazy :(

No, I'm not. I wish I'd bought a house. & had more money. I had no sense when I was younger. However I have 2 lovely DCs in their 20s now, DC1 & partner have just bought their own home. DC2 & partner still saving up for theirs. After 2 shit marriages and an even more shit ltr I now have a lovely OH who makes me very happy. I've changed career, now have lots of time to myself as no babies at home. & holidays already planned for this and next year. Ive a good social life.

All in all it could be a lot worse. I tend to focus on what I do have to be grateful for and find that makes me feel a lot better about life.

No, I thought I’d live in a bus in a commune.

Maybe one day...

I am currently going through a phase of desperately wanting something that I can't have.

I am trying to use this as an opportunity to have a long, hard, objective look at what I do have, and appreciate it more. I am happy, I just need to remember this more often and more explicitly.

So for me it is a question of appreciating and embracing what I have.

Though I have no doubt that if I had made different choices I could have been equally happy or happier.

No ...not at all. Abusive relatiinship in my teens wrecked my mental health.

I should never have taught.

Dp snd dd are fab though.skint though.meh.

I am not sure what I hoped for. Am now going through a not nice divorce and everything feels like it is up in the air. 3 lovely dc but it is hard at the moment as my middle dd has OCD, and both her and her younger sister are now moody / difficult teenagers (at 11! and 13).

Work wise I have always had no confidence and was a SAHM for a long time. Am now hoping to move into an admin field where I can earn more money. Don't really like admin but it might be better in a more interesting area.

Don't know if I will meet anyone else - am now 49. STBX was my first boyfriend. Would rather it had worked with him, but he has been very difficult for a long time and I initiated the divorce (but he has been completely uninterested in me for years - as well as shouty and controlling). He thinks I am a "stupid bitch" which is just lovely .

So not sure what life holds at this point.

Am really grateful for my health and the fact that I have a roof over my head. A lovely Dad who is supporting me through my divorce, and some other family members.

Yes, I am. This is pretty much exactly the life I assumed I'd always live. Better than, in all honesty.

However, I lost both my parents relatively young (DM at 29 and DF at 41), and they were both loving parents that I miss a great deal, so as much as my life has turned out pretty much as I expected it to as a naïve youngster, it's not without loss and sadness.

I had very vague ideas about what being a grownup would be like.

I didn’t want to be poor like we were when growing up. I didn’t really want anything in particular we didn’t have (not that we had a lot) I just wanted to not have to stretch every penny like my parents did and maybe take a taxi once in a while or not have to camp every year. Now I’m actually a lot richer then I thought I would be and shop at Waitrose with abandon.

I wanted to live in the country with loads of animals and an aga. Now I can’t imagine anything worse. I love city life

I always thought I’d have daughters. I have three lovely boys.

In some ways I am. I am married, I have wonderful DC. I have a great career in an industry I always wanted to work in. But in other ways, it's not at all what I wanted.
You really don't know what life is going to throw at you.
I am grateful for things that have worked out, because I've seen how little control we can have over our own circumstances. Never take anything for granted.

As a teen I couldn’t really imagine myself as an adult, couldn’t really see myself alive I suppose. At 32 I consider myself incredibly lucky to have my two wonderful DC and to be happily married with our own home. At times I can be negative about what we have - although our home is ours we live in a rubbish area, nursery for two cost more than my wages so I gave up my career and now am with the kids all week and work at the weekends so breaks are few and far between and ‘me time’ is non existent, and also although we get by there is very little cash left over. But I also know (and this thread has helped with this, thank you) that we are in the thick of it right now (kids are
2 and 5) and there is most definitely scope for improvement as they both reach school age and I can work more and hopefully move to somewhere nicer (and a takeaway once in a while would be bliss!).

Yes. I can literally remember saying out loud "What I want is to live in a little house full of books and be an X (my job)." My career is pretty competitive, so I didn't really expect to be able to get anywhere in it. But I did. And I love it.

There are things I don't like about my life. I find parenting a toddler hard. I wish my little house wasn't quite so little, and I wish I had more time to spend with friends and do the things I love. But generally ... yes. I feel very, very lucky to have the life and the family I have.