Aibu to ask if you are living the life you hoped for?

[thelastjedi]

Hi all,

Just wanted to get some views to see if people are living he life they want to live basically being nosey.

On paper I have the life I've always aspire to have, two kids, my own home, a very good career that lets me work 4 days a week with pension, good holidays etc.

In reality I am so tired from keeping up this existence and I have a bad hip/pelvis which started to play up over a year ago and hasn't been right since. I'm still young-ish and I just feel I'm on the treadmill of life, commute, pick ups from after school club and childminders and rushing around like a maniac every evening before bedtime only to have very early starts the next day with a long commute to work.

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self that by the time I was 30 I would have a great career,two gorgeous kids and my own (mortgaged) place, younger self would have thought my life was set. Present self feels like it's not all it's cracked up to be.

So.... is it normal to feel this way or would you say your life is what you expected it to be and do you enjoy it?

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful but sometimes I wish life would let me have time to take stock of things instead of moving in a hurried blur.

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners So sorry to hear that...sending you lots of love

Nope.

Up until last year I did have it all planned out. I lived in rich ex DPs flat in London, had a semi glamorous job in the City, had posh holidays and nights out, was planning to get married and have a baby. That didn’t work out.

I moved back to my university city and to live with a good friend in his flat. I’m a civil servant but in a glorified admin job that pays quite well but certainly isn’t what I want to do!

I have a lovely boyfriend now who’s a military officer - I never imagined myself dating someone in the Forces! I’m planning on moving to be with him and getting a mortgage and having our own little place - it’s so much cheaper where he is to buy! I’m trying to get a transfer through work but I might end up in some mundane admin job but that’s fine. Or a train conductor as I’m through to the final interview stage and that would be amazing - something I NEVER imagined myself doing!

I really wanted to be married with a baby by now but I’m hoping that will happen over the next year or two.

On the whole, yes. I have a lovely DH and two lovely DSs. We live in a nice house that we have a mortgage for and I've got a proper career that I enjoy and find worthwhile.

DS2 has a complex health condition that has been very tough at times but it has helped us appreciate the simple things more.

No. I hoped I would be a housewife and mother. Motherhood didn't happen and I've been working full time for 35 years without a break (apart from annual leave) but I'm happy with the the life I have.

Not sure.
Have 3 dds, 2 grown up and a younger one.
Moved last year, own house outright. Nearly 50.
But never had the career i wanted. Not done the travelling i wanted yet.

Better than I imagined group. Very happy how life has treated me. There’s been blips of course - death of my father at 10, a disabled sister, breast cancer and a serious lung condition, a couple of stillbirths and now a very frail, very elderly mother - but those sort of things aside, I’ve had a charmed adult life.

Mine is way better than I imagined, it could have gone either way as had some awful druggie boyfriends, but I’m totes ‘respectable’ married to a barrister. It’s all a surprise sometimes.

I had the perfect life 10 yes ago.
I'm now divorcing,worrying about money.But it got so bad for a while that I never thought I could be happy again.Now I am content,I haven't completely put my life back together but know that I will.
On the plus side I got married and had DD after I had travelled and had my wild time so no regrets there.

Thanks everyone for the - while it is indeed sad, at least we have had a happy life together and we have each other, I'm more fortunate than many people. I'm trying to stay positive.

I feel very aggrieved with my lot, though I know most of my issues are first world problems.

My uncle conned my dad out of thousands of pounds when I was a child, my parents never recovered financially so I grew up on one of the worst council estates in the country. As a result, my education was shit.

I’m in my early 30s, only got into the career I wanted at 30 because of poor education. My earnings are about £10k less a year than what they could have been as a result.

My partner and I are both band 5s for the nhs. We have £12k in savings but cannot afford to mortgage a house due to income multiplier not being big enough - there’s a shortfall of £20k. My dad is dead, my mum is disabled, as is my sister. My partner will get help towards a mortgage eventually, but that help will only come when his parents die (and I hope they live long healthy lives). So we are stuck in no mans land with that,

I’ve just set up a business, I used our wedding fund for this (so no chance of getting married soon either). I’m working stupid hours, about 60 a week in total. And my business is not yet in profit so I’m not seeing the benefits. And I miss my child like crazy 😭 I never see them because I’m working so damn much.

My nhs job is just crazy, suicide rates in patients are increasing and their physical health is declining. I want to leave but there are no suitable roles for me to go to - I’ve only worked with addicts for the last 15 years so to go into a new area whilst I’m still finding my feet in my business really scares me.

The wedding is a sore point, we have been together for 12 years. We have money in the bank but want to save it for a deposit “in case”. I hate having a different surname to my child.

And then of course I had to have a termination just after Christmas because MAP failed (there’s a lengthy thread on that too). I always wanted 2 or 3 children but had 1 live birth and the risks were so high I cannot have any more. To abort a much wanted baby because the health risks are too high really fucking hurts.

For someone in a secure job, with a lovely partner and child with money in the bank I feel miserable as hell and I feel pathetic for it 🙁

@thelastjedi yes in the UK at the moment. We have a nice life here which I'm very grateful for and live in a good area, but feel the country as a whole has really gone downhill in the last few years. We are planning to go somewhere where the climate allows a more outdoor lifestyle, and we should have a better work/ life balance and less pressure in terms of living costs.

No. I don't have the life I imagined. Recently it has become hard to bear.

Much better than I thought.

I was a very poor child with very low self worth who thought no-one would ever want to employ me, be with me or be parented by me. I believed that I was as difficult and horrible as my mum told me I was.

Thankfully, somehow I now have a lovely dh, dc and career. I came top of my year at university and haven't looked back.

So sorry for the sad stories on here and for Gretchen

donttickle I'm so sorry

On paper I have the life I always wanted - good job in a successful career I love, great DH and a beautiful DD. However I must say that having children hasn't really been how I expected and I don't always enjoy it. My life before consisted of a lot of socialising, drinking, weekends away but of course that has all changed and I miss it. I find parenting emotionally and physically exhausting. And although I love DH it's not exactly a wildly passionate relationship and I often daydream of past lovers (albeit with the hindsight of knowing that beyond the sex they were totally unsuitable and unreliable). I do sometimes wonder if I should have held out for a more passionate relationship but that may never have materialised!

But... I know that I am actually lucky so I would never do anything to rock the boat.

@andnoneforGretchen
So very sorry to hear this. I hope his treatment goes as well can be expected. Please don't underestimate the effect it will have on the wider family, and please look after yourself

Thanks sheeeesh, but I probably don't deserve any sympathy. My life is how it is because of my poor choices and lack of drive.

Don't be hard on yourself tickle. We've all made bad choices, I know I have. There's always a big element of luck.

I'm sure there's still time. Things change very fast (for the better as well as the worse). This thread shows this. If you'd asked me 5 years ago, my answer would have been different.

No not at all
I did not expect to be a single parent
To suffer emotional abuse
To be disadvantaged by the gender pay gap
Finally in my 50s I thought I would start to see an end to the endless grind
Although I earn more it’s not really kept up with inflation
I have little in savings or pension
Whilst I love my job it is very stressful
Now I have aging parents and other older poorly relatives who I care for
I’m worn out

Yes. My ace move was marrying DH. Found him at the right time. I had low self esteem caused by horrible boyfriends and a slight touch of middle child syndrome.

Have two DC, a home and a good professional job. I was really keen on achieving at school and University. I am surprised at how unambitious I am in my career. I like my job, keep my head down, have a good work/life balance and don't push myself and I'm happy with that. DH is the same.

I'm planning to retire in 10-15 years' time depending on health. I think I would like to travel a bit more then.

I didn’t really know what I wanted to do as a teenager. Lost my mother at 16 moved in with df and horrible stepmom. So just wanted to get out. Managed to get out relocated to another country became very independent and started enjoying life. Enjoying partying, trained into this profession, went on holidays throughout my 20s. Never wanted kids till in my 30s. Changed partners. Started wanting a baby girl.... had her. Love her to bits. Got sick of my job. At uni re training now. Will graduate in 2 years and I know I will get a job straight away in this profession. H drinks too much I hate it I don’t see a future with him. Otherwise I am happy I think. So grateful for dd and the chance to re train. Got great friends. Not too many as I find it hard to trust people. Will be 40 next year.Life now wasted at all.

I think the young me always assumed I'd follow my parents and find myself a DH, have 2.4 kids and a dog and a mortgage on a very naice 4 bed detached.

The reality was I married my childhood sweetheart after 10 years together but then he left for an ow before even 3 years married. A few l/t relationships since but no one who wanted to marry me. I actually never wanted children as I'm not the maternal type but I lost one at 12 weeks when I was 31 and it never happened again. Finally met "the one" when I was 46 but I wasn't his "one" and it ended 8 years ago after 3 years together. A few flings since but nothing serious and if I'm honest I can't be bothered. I can't now see myself in a l/t relationship again and this makes me a bit sad as I dont want to die alone.

Work wise I've never been a high flyer but I've had ok jobs, all in one profession, that gave me the route to self employment when I got made redundant 10 years ago. I LOVE working for myself. I'm now unemployable. I went through some tough years financially but as with everything in my life something turned up at the right time for me to sort it out. I'm just in the process of trying to expand to get some work/life balance back.

I have fantastic friends, a lovely house I've spent a lot of money on, a very nice car, I go on lovely holidays, I can buy what I want when I want within reason and 2 years ago I had the mad idea that I'd like to foster and now have a FS who's doing amazingly well and has settled really well.
I'm very lucky. Not sure a man can bring much to my life party really 😂😂😂

On the downside I lost my mum when she was only 67 and Dad died 15 months ago. I miss them as they were lovely parents. There's family issues in my wider family that will probably never resolve as too much crap has gone under the bridge and I don't miss them enough to try to mend it. My DSis is going though a bad time and I have to support her a lot.

So even when you seem to have a gilded life there's still shitty things going on in the background .

I hoped to be happy, financially independent and successful. Two out of three, and I care less about the success part these days (and maybe having the first two counts as success anyway!!)

I never planned on getting married or having children but I think that's got a lot to do with having an unhappy adolescence and an unappealing model in my parents' own marriage. In fact, being married and having a baby are two of the most happiness-creating things I've ever done. I love being a mother and my 18-year-old self would never believe that!

As a bonus, I have great friends, I've done a heap of travelling, learnt several languages, own property in the UK and now live abroad (although that does mean I'm further from friends and family than I'd like). I give my life a solid 8 out of 10. It's the career part that's never worked out - I've had some good jobs but never really enjoyed them or felt like I achieved anything meaningful. And I'm hardly working at all right now while my son is still a baby - I plan on going back, but not sure to what.

However, I feel very lucky to have all that I do. It sounds cheesy but I genuinely do count my blessings every day.

Not at all. I've just gone through a series of sudden life changes which means I'm back at my parents house trying to save money for a deposit like my 18 year old self, but I'm 33.

I am. We went through some tough times as a family when I was a child and being financially stable now means a lot to me. I've worked hard to get where I am in my career. I can hold my own anywhere. I was never going to be a 'corporate wife' . Thrilled with my DC, our house and our wider family. I've had some health issues in the last year but feel more grateful than ever to have the support of a good network.