Aibu to ask if you are living the life you hoped for?

[thelastjedi]

Hi all,

Just wanted to get some views to see if people are living he life they want to live basically being nosey.

On paper I have the life I've always aspire to have, two kids, my own home, a very good career that lets me work 4 days a week with pension, good holidays etc.

In reality I am so tired from keeping up this existence and I have a bad hip/pelvis which started to play up over a year ago and hasn't been right since. I'm still young-ish and I just feel I'm on the treadmill of life, commute, pick ups from after school club and childminders and rushing around like a maniac every evening before bedtime only to have very early starts the next day with a long commute to work.

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self that by the time I was 30 I would have a great career,two gorgeous kids and my own (mortgaged) place, younger self would have thought my life was set. Present self feels like it's not all it's cracked up to be.

So.... is it normal to feel this way or would you say your life is what you expected it to be and do you enjoy it?

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful but sometimes I wish life would let me have time to take stock of things instead of moving in a hurried blur.

No, I'm not.

I should never have settled down with my DH. I think about splitting up on a daily basis.

He has become precious and bullying at home. Insisting that he works hard at his job and should not/ will not lift a finger at Home. I remember when our first DC was born, she was a difficult infant. When he came home he said "I'm not the relief shift, I want to relax". I really regret not leaving then. He's given me so many opportunities to leave and I never take them because of the DC.

He's charming and funny and good company to his friends, just a lousy husband. He's always been very selfish, but the increasing bad moods are near intolerable. I don't even bother arguing half the time, seems easier to agree with him than suffer the absolute tantrum when I try and voice my side.

I have a pivotal moment at 18 where I should have stood up to my parents and followed my dream. I’m nearly 50 now and it irks me still. I hold it in the pit of my stomach always.
But, I have a life which is full of love and comfortable. I am loved, and I have wonderful children turning into fine young adults, and as single parent (who has always deserved better from those adults who were meant to love me) I am incredibly proud of myself. In spite of my parents and ex-husband, I am ok with myself.

I didn’t have any aspirations. I think I was probably depressed as a teen. Went to an ex poly and did well in my degree but didn’t get into my chosen field. I didn’t have any idea how to get a job.

I changed path and trained in another area which has got me a part time job in the public sector at a good rate of pay. I’m bored after being in the same job for 10 years but need to stay part time due to oldest DC having ASD.

I have become a responsible and sensible adult since my flaky teen days but feel I have lost myself along the way. We live in a doer upper of DH’s choosing when I would rather have a small low maintenance house and have more holidays.

I have two loving children and a stable home and live in a part of the world I really like. I should be happier really.

I assumed I would be single and travelling for a long time however I met my gorgeous DH and settled in a new country (his) and never looked back.

Got it all on paper and thoroughly enjoy being a parent, with a house&garden and a dog! Still surprises some of my friends ( and family:-)

I have pretty much what I hoped for. An enjoyable well paid career, own house, lovely partner and lots of travel. I knew the slog of parenting wasn't for me, so have chosen to be childfree. Life is good.

Yes.

Spent my misspent youth avoiding all I'd wanted as a child but got to my 30's and realised I did want marriage,
Kids and the country.

My 10 year old self would be very pleased with me in one hand (we've just bought an Aga) but would think I'm lacking in other ways (there's no black lab next to it)

I have never had a fixed idea of how my life would be. Right up till a year before ttc I didn’t even know for sure if we would.

I am happy with my current life. I didn’t have anything to measure it against really. I have kids, I run my own business (never intended that!!) am married and have a lovely home (that’s a bit of a work in progress).

Not having a plan also means I’m pretty flexible and if I don’t like something I’d change it. I would hate to feel I’d gone down an unalterable path.

If I were op I’d be thinking about what’s great and ok and not so great right now. And look to change what’s not so great. Move jobs? Less commute? Remote working? Move house? Part time hours? So many options when you’re not in debt or on the bread line.

Thanks to all the responses, it took me a long time to get through them all.

This thread is reassuring that it's not just me that sometimes has doubts about my choices. I love my job, I just wish t was closer to home. I don't want to move from where I live as my eldest goes to a great school and my youngest is very happy and settled with our childminder and my parents live close by. I wouldn't want to move closer to my work for these reasons so I guess the commute is just something I will have to put up with and hope that life gets easier as my children get older.

As for the hip/pelvis bother, I went for an x-ray which returned as normal. The pain seems to be in the surrounding Joints not necessarily the bone itself so I'm wondering if it's early onset of arthritis as my mother was riddled with it from a young age.

I guess I don't have a lot to complain about but I do wish I had time to relax and rest etc but I feel the 'to do' list is never ending.

I also would love to get a point in life where the mortgage is paid off in full so Work is an option not a necessity but I can't see that happening for at least 20+ years and that's assuming I don't move to a bigger house (which I will eventually need to do when the kids get older).

I am separated from my ex so yes single parenting is tough. I shouldn't grumble though, we are all fit and well health wise bar the hip and I have got some money put aside for a rainy day. Just wish my life was less stressful.

No, buts that ok. I still think I'm pretty lucky. Lots of things happened that I never expected. I didn't expect to leave school at 15 and live where I'm living now/work where I'm working now. However I have 2 great DCs, a home, good working hours so life's ok most of the time.

Not as I'd imagined but not far off. I think I'm very much a work in progress.

We are in a similar position to you OP. I am with you on the repetition and tiredness. That said, considering where I came from, my life is beyond any dream I had when I was younger. Our family is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I have a wonderful DH, good job and nice home. But we don't like this country, and would love a quieter life at a slower pace, so we're planning to make some big changes.

I take it you live in the UK @SmashyCup?

I love the region I live in but eventually would love to a nicer area. I hope to one day move to a little village on the outskirts of where I live now, it's so beautiful and peaceful and quiet.

I'm not living the life I'd hoped for but I do realise that my life isn't all bad.

No, single, live alone, no kids, not doing the job I set out to do (teaching).

But I’m alive and I really shouldn’t be. I’ve realised now that actually I’m pretty happy with this life even if it isn’t quite what I wanted.

Op, an X-ray won't show up all hip problems. It might be worth asking for an an MRI scan or paying for one if you can afford it. Have you seen a physio? Also, what type of chair do you sit on at work? It's amazing how much an unsupportive chair at the wrong height can affect your back and hips. I'd also echo the pp who suggested orthotics.

Replying to the question - my life hasn't gone in the direction I expected but I'm happy with how things turned out. Illness which has limited my mobility means that I can no longer work but I'm much more relaxed than when I was running around trying to do everything. My retirement plans have turned into watching TV while eating biscuits instead of travelling the world. I'm fine with that!

Not the life I thought I’d have as exh cheated for years when kids were small. Didn’t have any money but never cared just wanted my kids to grow up in happy family- wasn’t to be. His abuse got so bad the decision was made for me.

Am now remarried to a kind, generous, extremely successful man- we want for nothing and my kids love him. So not the life I thought I’d ever have, just wish I could have got it right first time round for my kids.

No. A few years ago I would have said yes. But recently it has seemed as though the universe has decided to remove almost everything I believed I could count on. Sometimes I feel a bit like Job on a smaller scale (and without the religious faith).

I could never have guessed how lucky I would be I'm sorry if that sounds smug!

I had a bad start in life, was in care at one point and by the time I left school I sort of drifted from one thing to the other. Decided to try working abroad in Europe as a sort of posh holiday rep type thing and that led me to meet my now ex Dh! We got married and had 5 children, we split amicably when the youngest was 1. Exdh sold half of his shares in his company and gave me half so I became a millionaire overnight

Fast forward 3 years later and I met my DP who will one day be my DH. He has two children with his ex wife and we will have more together. I also own my home outright, several properties that I rent out and run two businesses.

I've never written it down like that before but I really am very blessed

MIne is exceeding expectations and that Ian mostly down to me having the bravery to call time on the marriage to my useless XH, get out and grab life by the balls back in 2014.

Genuinely yes, and I count my lucky stars every day. It's definitely not perfect and there are compromises - was just talking to DH yesterday/this morning about how I'm putting some things on the back burner at the mo and it's hard to 'have it all'.
But my plan was married at 25, babies before I was 30. I got married at 22, baby 1 at 25, baby 2 at 27. We have a lovely house (mortgage far less than we paid in rent), lovely holidays, great friends. I got a job this week, fits wonderfully around the babies. So I'm feeling good. But for example I have low housework standards (the bare minimum SOMETIMES gets done) and a DH who does more than his fair share, and that definitely eases the daily grind.

Looking back this was my plan:
Have a great career, at least equal to any male partner - ideally something glamorous and exciting like actress, model etc.
Get married but not be a SAHM. I even specified age 25 for this.
Have two children in my late 20s, both girls.
Wasn't terribly interested in material stuff but did want to own my own home - wanted to live in London.

What really happened:
I'm a lawyer in the City and outearn my husband. Not glamorous or famous though!
Married age 26 and still happy together after 23 years.
Always worked full time except maternity leaves.
Had one child age 30 - a boy - then secondary infertility then finally a girl - age 40.
Own a modest house, no mortgage, commutable for London but never lived there.

So pretty much yes it's what i aimed for but it's been harder and trickier than i imagined. My eldest is being assessed for HF ASD and ADHD and this is an ongoing worry. Motherhood is harder in every way than i expected. Still worth it though. We have a small circle of awesome friends too which i can't recall were in the original plan but are near at the top of my priority list now.

Yeah, I think I’m pretty much there. Always saw myself as married, wasn’t interested in kids, wanted a career, and a comfortable life.

My marriage is exceptionally happy. We’ve been through tough times but the relationship has never waivered.

My career has really taken off over the past five years and the positive financial impact has opened other doors.

We’re not leading a crazy, exciting life- it’s a quiet life but I love it.

It's not quite what I imagined, but am satisfied with my lot never the less. I seem to write this on MN all the time but reading how to do everything and be happy really changed my life for the better, so probably plays a big part in my satisfaction levels right now.

The only thing that's missing is the fact that I'm renting my home instead of owning it. I earn enough money, have 2 kids and numerous pets and have finally found my other half after believing that I never would and that I would have to settle for good enough or be alone.