Aibu to ask if you are living the life you hoped for?

[thelastjedi]

Hi all,

Just wanted to get some views to see if people are living he life they want to live basically being nosey.

On paper I have the life I've always aspire to have, two kids, my own home, a very good career that lets me work 4 days a week with pension, good holidays etc.

In reality I am so tired from keeping up this existence and I have a bad hip/pelvis which started to play up over a year ago and hasn't been right since. I'm still young-ish and I just feel I'm on the treadmill of life, commute, pick ups from after school club and childminders and rushing around like a maniac every evening before bedtime only to have very early starts the next day with a long commute to work.

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self that by the time I was 30 I would have a great career,two gorgeous kids and my own (mortgaged) place, younger self would have thought my life was set. Present self feels like it's not all it's cracked up to be.

So.... is it normal to feel this way or would you say your life is what you expected it to be and do you enjoy it?

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful but sometimes I wish life would let me have time to take stock of things instead of moving in a hurried blur.

I have done lots of the things my teenage self wanted - travelled the world, loved, been loved, lived and learned.
I have a home, a career and a beautiful son. Amazing parents, great friends, a crazy dog and an evil cat. I have taken my son to fabulous places around the world.
But I suffer from anxiety and depression, had two marriages which ended horribly, am really fat and at times really lonely.
So on paper I am where I wanted to be and am lucky to have had, so far, a wonderful life. The journey has been- and continues to be - like climbing an electricity pylon not a ladder!

90% yes and actually better than hoped.
As a child I wanted a big house as ours was tiny. I have a four bed detached in a lovely area and a holiday cottage.
I traveled a lot in my youth, then with DH and DC.
My aunt and uncle were rich and I took a lot of their advice which means we are reasonably well off.
Me and DH get on really well, go out loads and have lots of friends. We have decent jobs and a good income.
DC doing well and very sociable, but had lots of sometimes quite stressful hassles through the teen years, more than we expected.
We're all fairly healthy.
I have two gorgeous dogs.
The 10% is nothing I can do about so I've accepted it as nobody's life is perfect.

OP I had pelvic pain for years and pilates has helped so much.

I have the husband and children I hoped for, and a happy family life. I find motherhood more fulfilling than I hoped. I don’t live in the house I want, and I pine for my home town, but can’t move there. My husbands career dictates our lives and I find that deeply frustrating. This thread is facisinating; part bleak, part reassuring. I’m sorry for all those who feel hopeless.

Good topic.

I thought I'd be part of a big group of friends. Not as glamorous as on friends but I thought I'd be part of a group of fun adults who were friends and enjoyed my company and valued my contribution and humour.

But as I'm a single parent I'm a square peg in a round hole with so little freedom to go out and date or do hobbies to meet people. I have two children one with an sn, a job not a career. We're 'ok' financially thank goodness but if I were to plan a holiday to America for example it would take planning and sacrifices elsewhere and returning to a big credit card bill.

on the plus side though i do not fear empty nest as there is no adult with whom I'll have to reassess a relationship, I will value the freedom to be able to go and meet single people when i finally have it! (although experiencing ageism now already I do feel that by the time I have freedom I'll just be invisible to everybody by the time I can go out and leave the house and try to build connections. I hope this isn't the case).

My life could have been easier but I wonder if I'd be as far removed from the version of me that I was at 29 (when I met x) if I hadn't lived this life. If I'd been happily-ish married to mister decent enough, would I still be as emotionally reactive as I was back then? Would I still lack the insights in to my own decision making processes as I did back then? Would I be as resilient as I feel now? Would I be as comfortable in my own thoughts as I am now? Or would I still be living in fear of what 'people' thought and fearing that people would judge me.

I wonder about it. I think I like this version of me better than the version of me i'd be if I'd landed (even roughly) on my feet at all the conventional respectable points along the way.

No. I didn't expect a shitty divorce with kids invoices or to experience emotional abuse. I used to have a job I had aspired to on paper but it was not the stellar career I'd hoped for.

Like many other PPs, yes and no.

When I was young, I was ready to take on the world - both to enjoy it, and to change it. I wanted lots of animals, to travel the world, to have enough money to be very comfortable, to live my life to the fullest, probably to have two children, and to be married to the love of my life. I thought I would have a high flying career, and staff to look after any children.

Here I am now, in middle age. I do have a lot of farm type animals, but we rent a smallholding to keep them on, which comes with it's own stresses. We live in a semi-rural area - it's a bit of a compromise house, with lots to do, can't imagine living here forever. But it is our own house, and that is a blessing that can't be overlooked - three times in my life I've been technically homeless, so to have our own house is awesome. I am married to a good but challenging man. I have one child at school - parenthood is not what I thought it would be at all, I don't think I'm very good at it, but I can't imagine not doing it - I owe my daughter the best I can.

I don't have a career at all. I gave it up to be self employed, but a combination of mental and physical health issues have knocked that out. Currently I feel like because of those issues, I exist, I don't live at all. I go nowhere, I see no one, I do nothing. I get my child to school and classes, and that's about it. My DH works long hours to keep us in this house and pay for the lifestyle my daughter has, so I don't see much of him. I don't travel at all, I don't even get holidays due to health issues.

So, I have a husband, child, animals & house, but none of it is like I expected it to be. And without good health, none of it is that enjoyable.

Well, when I planned the 2 children I hadn't thought that I would be the carrier of a genetic disorder that would lead my eldest to several suicide attempts, lose her the best part of her childhood to pain and confusion, and which has recently led to her to explain (quite calmly and without assigning any guilt) that she is not going to have children because she cannot risk them having the kind of childhood she had

That is a heavy burden for any parent to bear.

But having said that, I have also seen her grow up into a strong and resilient adult, who gets more enjoyment out of the good bits of life than almost anybody I know.

And I could never have foreseen that dh would grow into such a wonderful, strong, supportive husband and father.

Got my dream job in terms of what I always wanted to do, but am making very little money from it, which is a worry as I get closer to retirement age.

No. Though my views are clouded by a bout of depression.

On paper - a reasonably well paid career, a good sized home, a beautiful son.

Reality - single parent of a primary school age child, virtually no support network so I panic when I have to travel for work meetings in other cities, son has ASD and it's hard looking after him. His dad seems to come and go as he pleases, pays a pittance in maintenance. Son's behaviour means we are limited in where we can go. Certainly can't go out for meals or coffee and meet my friends who also have young kids. It's very isolating. Even a trip to the park often ends with an altercation between my son and another child, then the dirty looks and nasty comments from parents. I'm trying to teach him to play nice with others, have been for a long time but he's not quite there yet. I have severe skin disorders and am more overweight than I would like to be - so at the moment feeling that I'm never going to be able to find a nice partner - hardly a catch when I look like Mr Blobby naked, blotches and all. All my friends are coupled up. Weekends are extremely lonely. Also debts from when I was married, he was an unrestrained spender and we were constantly at the upper end of the overdraft limit. I'm trying to resolve that. He earned very little. Never more than min wage. I'm expecting to have to buy him out in the divorce but no idea how I'm going to manage to raise the cash.
Family aren't close either. I worry that if something happened to me in the house my son would be unable to summon help (he is non-verbal ASD) not worried about myself but worried for him how would he be rescued, would he be able to feed himself and get himself a drink, he would be afraid. It could be a while before someone actually checked on us.

Hoping the antidepressants will kick in soon...

It’s different to the life I thought I would have.
Never did I think I would be a single parent to 2 dc but I have been for 5 years and have learnt to live with it.
Before h moved out I was studying for a degree I now have that but aren’t doing anything with it as want to see both dc through Primary.
I have worked meaningless jobs with little pay for 12 years so that I can be at home with the dc and have another 3 years of that left.
I kid myself that then the time will come that I can do something for me but reality is by then I will have been off the career ladder for 15 years so will be working in a low paid job for the rest of my life.
It scares me what will happen when dc leave school and h no longer pays the mortgage (in lieu of maintenance)

No. On paper possibly, I live in a lovely sea side village and am typing this from our family room with views of the north sea whilst Ds and Dh are currently playing pirates on the floor (Bing has just been forced to walk the plank... couldn't happen to a better bunny). My 20 week scan with our second child is next week. I've been to some amazing places, done some interesting things, helped a lot of people at work and have a happy marriage with a man who adores me. I'm healthy and so are Ds and Dh. We are financially secure.

However I have a lot of mental health issues caused mostly by something which happened in the past. I spend quite a lot of time looking at the sea and wondering what it would be like to just walk into it and keep going. Looking back at my 18 year old self, a drive towards self destruction was never in the plans.

I gets slightly easier apparently when they turn 13 and can take their own backsides out and do their own thing. Though I know most people dont feel like they have their life back until the kids have buggered off to Uni or moved out.

My life is nothing like I planned nor wanted. I'm trying to change it. And play the lottery 😆

I've achieved it and now live an even better life then I ever expected. Goals when younger were (pretty low ambition tbh) Learn to drive. Grow hair down to my bum (head hair ). Learn to play guitar. Become a paid (professional) writer. Become a tattoo artist and piercer and own my own studio. Have achieved all the above and am most proud of the studio as this was back when tattooing was very much a closed industry with very very few ways in and no EBay to buy cheap shit from to practise on (infect your friends) and bullying bitch from hell form teacher basically told me there was no chance i'd be able to do this. Fast forwards to now, I have DD3 when I never imagined I'd have a child and am settled In suburban bliss in the countryside (having previously sworn I'd never leave the city). Being a lone parent is something i NEVER thought i'd be and despite the stark contrast to my old 'ideal' life when I had cash coming out of my ears and a carefree existence (living on a narrow boat I bought outright) I love my life right now more than at any time previously. Did have a good old smirk when bullying bitch teacher quit teaching to go into business owning a pub only to go bust very quickly and having to return to teaching while my business flourished. Still can't play guitar though.

I suppose my life has gone slightly differently to the way I expected it to. I was pregnant young, had a son and married a man I wasn’t in love with. Divorced and struggled financially for seven years, but was really happy. Met DH and was married within the year. Started fostering because DH wasn’t sure he wanted kids... fell in love with the kids we were fostering and adopted them. We’ve never tried for kids of our own, which I suppose is the ‘normal’ way to start. We have a DD with disabilities. We moved to a more rural setting and love it.

It’s all pretty good, though we went at it in a slightly unconventional way.

No. All I ever wanted was to have a husband/partner, kids, be happy (not even necessarily well off etc) and to not be obese (grew up hating being a fat kid and teenager).

Now I'm a single mum, in debt, unhappy, and the fattest I've ever been. Don't see a way out for any of it. Funnily though from the outside people say they would see me as a successful professional who is always trying to cheer and help others along.

I never thought I'd have kids. But I have 2. I never imagined I'd be a single parent, but here I am. Never thought I'd buy a house, but I did. Subsequently Lost it to my ex, easy come, easy go. Never thought I could/would do the job I'm doing, but I am. Is it the life I wanted, no. But is it a good one? I think so. Got my kids, my car, a roof over my head, and a varied, brain stretching, occasionally gruesome job I enjoy with a good team.

Could be worse.

I didn't really have many expectations for my life when I was young. I had a vague thought I would go traveling which hasn't happened.

Overall, my life I still much more interesting and wonderful than I ever expected. I left my home town which I utterly hated and that was the making of me. I have a lovely husband and 2 children, neither of which I ever expected and I have a great career.

I know I'm very fortunate. We have had some bad times with bereavement and me having cancer but we've always faced things as a couple and now our children are getting older, life is fairly easy.

No but I'm very happy. Love my family friends and where we live. Now have enough money to go on the odd small holiday having struggled financially in the past.
Had really set ideas about where I wanted to live which didn't pan out but don't mind that. Also assumed I'd have a great career but it turned out I wasn't as special or as ambitious as I thought I was. Think you have to be one or other to succeed in a career. That gives me a pang occasionally!

Nope. I desperately hate my life.
I had so many chances, opportunities etc. and just fucked it all up.

Even my kids aren't enough to stop me being full of regret and despair.

I wish I could just go back and start over.

Yes, other than having cancer and an uncertain future and a soon to be missing body part due to the cancer

When I was younger I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up, and was too riddled with self doubt to think I’d amount to much really.

It hasn’t been an easy ride, but thankfully I’ve been able to overcome a lot of my confidence issues. In fact I maybe went a bit too far the other way, pushing myself to always be going somewhere, doing something exciting and progressing in my career. Now in my late 30s, I have a well paid job in my chosen sector, I met my wonderful DH 4 years ago and we have a lovely DD and own our own home. I’ve totally slowed down, and feel much less like I need to prove myself to anyone. Life keeps throwing us lemons, but I feel so much more resilient than when I was younger, and somehow content with my low key suburban lifestyle. For now at least!

When I was at school I had a very inspirational teacher who said with application we could be anything we wanted to be. I wanted to be Queen of England, and so far I have failed miserably. Turns out it is quite hard to become Queen, and there is only one at anyone time.. I haven't entirely given up though.

Definitely a different life to the one I imagined...but I am grateful. I thought I'd live in New York & work in some glamorous job in publishing! I do neither.

I am about 2 stone heavier than I would like to be, but my body works. It wobbles but it works. I am healthy. I suffer terribly with migraines but I'm just glad that's my only ailment.

I married my childhood sweetheart who is still the love of my life (didn't marry him until I was 30 though) - I travelled & worked in Canada & Australia in my 20s.

I moved back to the south of Ireland as my OH is a total home bird & we got married. I have a lovely family & am close (although not geographically, unfortunately) to my siblings. I have a handful of close friends & a wider circle who I see quite a bit socially. I am a teacher & only have a 15 minute commute to work. I enjoy it & although it's a stressful job I'm glad I have a career. We have our own 6 bedroom house in the countryside & 4 lovely dogs.

The 25 year old me didn't envisage having children & this is the part of my life that turned out very different as we have 6! They're all under 10 so life at the moment is quite hectic. I do love it though...we don't get to travel much anymore & holidays are camping & mostly in Ireland. There's no spare money at the end of the month & I feel like I'm always doing a load of washing or making someone a snack! We have zero time for ourselves or each other but thankfully our marriage seems to be strong & we know that this crazy busy time will pass all too quickly. More important than anything in the world is that our children are healthy & happy.

So, it's not the life I imagined exactly but definitely a life I am happy & so grateful for.

Yes and no, like many others here.

I had dreams and fantasies as a teenager about working in a certain industry and what that life would be like. I do indeed now work in that industry, but it's one of those that looks super glamorous and exciting from the outside when actually, salaries/rates for employees and freelancers are dropping quite alarmingly and it's never going to make me rich. I'm not money motivated really but it can be a worry, and the day to day reality of my work is rarely in line with my fantasy. Has its benefits for sure though like free trips abroad and hanging out with celebs.

Depression has clouded a lot of my life and made me self sabotage. I think it's a combination of mental health issues and my spontaneous nature that means I never made concrete life plans, I've always had vague ideas about what I'd like to do but I'm more of a "drift along and see what happens" type than one who can make and stick to rigid plans.

I've never been interested in marriage and kids and at 28 I'm still not. It would be nice to have a healthy relationship though - I'm not desperate to find a bloke by any means or feel I'm lacking something without one, but I've realised that (again, partly due to mental health issues I think) I have a tendency to get into unhealthy relationships and stick in them far too long even when the guy is festooned in more red flags than a communist state (as another poster most wonderfully put it on another thread).

I thought someone might have fallen in love with me by now, if I'm honest. But I'm yet to meet a person who's really into me and wants to pursue something more serious. I've quit dating completely to work on being happier on my own - on the whole I am but I'm going to be a lot pickier now. I genuinely think I might be single forever.

Not the life I thought I'd have, but things are pretty good. 3 gorgeous, healthy kids, good job, great partner who works so hard. Nice house that people always say is so warm and homey. Things are good