Aibu to ask if you are living the life you hoped for?

[thelastjedi]

Hi all,

Just wanted to get some views to see if people are living he life they want to live basically being nosey.

On paper I have the life I've always aspire to have, two kids, my own home, a very good career that lets me work 4 days a week with pension, good holidays etc.

In reality I am so tired from keeping up this existence and I have a bad hip/pelvis which started to play up over a year ago and hasn't been right since. I'm still young-ish and I just feel I'm on the treadmill of life, commute, pick ups from after school club and childminders and rushing around like a maniac every evening before bedtime only to have very early starts the next day with a long commute to work.

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self that by the time I was 30 I would have a great career,two gorgeous kids and my own (mortgaged) place, younger self would have thought my life was set. Present self feels like it's not all it's cracked up to be.

So.... is it normal to feel this way or would you say your life is what you expected it to be and do you enjoy it?

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful but sometimes I wish life would let me have time to take stock of things instead of moving in a hurried blur.

I thought I would be travelling the world, living in a commune, or campaigning for human rights issues.

See with no kids i could do any or all of those.

When I was seventeen I would have been horrified at the idea of a mortgage, husband and child!

Like you I did find myself in a career that was awesome on paper (great pay, good prospects, great hours) but I was miserable. I was very fortunate in that I am in a position to be able to walk away from that career and am now back at uni retraining. It is harder now in some ways as we are skint, but I am so much happier and don't regret my decision one bit. My mum died at 58 and it made me realise that I couldn't just sit and wait for some mythical time when it would all be great as life happens and I might not be around long enough for that time to come.

I had no expectations of my life- gave it no thought.

However I love the life I have.
5 bedroomed house in a lovely area, self employed working from home, no money worries, an OH who treats me like a goddess, two amazing kids.
Can't really ask for more.

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners

I thought I would travel the world, settle down with an amazingly cultured, musical man and live in another part of the country than where I grew up.

I have a husband who is the opposite, common sense and simple tastes, 3 kids and I live 5 mins from my mother, MIL, brother and SIL.

I am hopefully on the recovery route of a mid life crisis. Aged 43, I have been off work with depression and general exhaustion of life. Probably a mid-life crisis plus.

So, no... the life I have is not what I imagined, and 3 months ago it was slowly killing me, but I am starting to see the future again a little.

Job wise, yes, it's what I wanted to do when I was a child/teenager, but I didn't really get started in it till I was in my late 30's.
House - pretty much, it's big enough, in a nice place etc, but it needs so much doing to it......
Family - 3 kids, husband with ongoing health issues that mean he's not working, so money is tight, but it's mostly OK

I am now living the dream. But I am also 54.

I know lots of people suffer from ‘empty nest syndrome ‘ once the kids have moved out, but I didn’t , (I possibly did for a week or two)

I’m at the stage in life where the mortgage is finished, DH has a fantastic career still, I no longer have to work, but I do because what I do is truly amazing and we both get a lot of pleasure from my job. ( I’m head of culture and entertainment for a magazine, which means I go to red carpet events and try restaurants, theatres, cocktail bars, museums etc and have loads of fun all for free whilst usually in the company of celebrities), but I digress.
In my 20/30/40s life was bloody hard. Full time job, three little girls, a house to run and a (now ex) husband who considered housework to be ‘womans work’ followed by the worlds worst divorce and what are now referred to as the ‘hungry years’

You sound like you have laid the foundations of what will be an amazing life sometime in the very near future, it’s just right now you are still working hard and not really having any time to enjoy life. I wish I could tell you the secret to appreciation of the here and now, but sadly I don’t have it.

Keep struggling on, it is all worth it. X

Nope, far from it. Parts are good, but, over all, no.

Nope, single parent not through choice. It's shite.

No. I'm everything I said I would never be.

No

Hoped to have a family

But infertility and miscarriage means we can't. Drs on both sides of the Atlantic have told me my uterus can't sustain a pregnancy

I have a wonderful husband and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that our family won't look the way we hoped it would.

Can't say I'm there yet.

No.

I had a professional career that I loved but had to leave because it became incompatible with living with bipolar disorder. Currently unemployed and on disability benefits. Still not mentally stable enough to consider even a pt retail/ admin job.

One adult DS with ASD who loves independently but is a constant source of worry and stress. Feel like I'm 'on call' 24/7.

DP is great, and luckily earns enough that we manage, but I know my illness (have physical problems, too) is a strain on them. It's unlikely we'll ever be able to buy a house or have decent savings.

I don't like the town we live but DP's job ties us here, as does supporting DS.

My social life has dwindled since I became ill and my confidence is shot. Feel like I've wasted all the potential I had when I was younger.

Nevertheless I try to be positive, lol, but it's hard.

No, not really. But I had literally no guidance growing up. So no plan or idea of what the future looked like. My parents seemed to think Parenting me finished once I was old enough to make myself a sandwich. "Guidance" came in the form of huge, aggressive, abusive bollockings and being told how useless I was. Education wasn't valued, uni not an option. With that in mind I have done ok, I've always worked - very strong work ethic and have had some decent jobs but not a "career". I do live where I always dreamed of living albeit in a much smaller place than is ideal. Most importantly though I have two fabulous kids who seem to love me and find me very amusing and will come to me with their problems, ones a teenager too 😲.

Not really. I am not unhappy but if I had a magic wand I would change a few things.

1. I would have had children earlier, I have one beautiful DD, but at 35 I maybe have one more if I am blessed to, but that will be it. I love being a mum,

1. I would own my own home. I DID, but husband kept it in divorce - now renting.

1. I would have a more relaxed relationship. I have a wonderful DP and we are great together most of the time. But he does put everyone else before me most of the time and he is very difficult to talk to. For example I am diabetic and this morning I had a hypo and asked if he could come home straight away after getting his hair cut due to me feeling tired, but he can't because he had to go and take his mums Christmas lights down. She has cancer so I was made to feel guilty for asking he didn't go there and do it today.

No, not at all. I'm young (only 23) but thought I'd finish uni, find a professional job, wear nice clothes to work every day, have my own little flat, be comfortable financially and have a partner.

I work at Tesco, wear the horrible uniform, still live at home, in debt, and no partner yet. I can hope and dream though. I often walk up the home ware aisles at work and fantasise about how I'll decorate when I move out. I'm currently waiting to hear back from a job - civil service, though I've passed the interview they've got to finish interviewing other candidates before making a decision so I'm crossing my fingers. If not there's a graduate scheme I'll apply for. If I get the job, it's not fab money but much better than now (19 grand a year) and I would aim to move out in 6 months or so, plus there's chance of progression.

So I'm not where I want to be but I'm working on it!

I think it is normal to look at other people and compare right? I mean I envy those friends who seem to have it all! Lots of kids, loving husband, huge house, great careers. I in my self pitying way always concentrate on my fertility issues that I will almost likely only have one child, that I have a partner who isn't the greatest, that we ended up buying a smaller flat rather than house with garden that I wanted. That my careee never took off. I mean its so easy to see all tye negative! But I try to remember I have a son, I have a roof over my head, I live in a beautiful country. My sister, who seems to have it all told me that she always thinks about a nicer house, and her house is my dream house. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that we always look for more, even though to others we have everything. But it is hard to get out of that mindset and not feel disappointed. Its something I am trying to work on!

I think it's normal to feel that way if you have planned your life as it's rare that all plans work out.
i'm sorry you are suffering with your health this won't be helping your mood

For us, it's hard to tell as didn't really make any plans and don't work on the treadmill you talk of. This was never really something we wanted to do as can't stand repetitiveness and more than necessary routine.
Apart from the romantic view of being two drifters, (moon river is our song) sometimes I wish we'd planned a bit.
But then I see friends who have planned ending up with different lives to their plans.
I'm happy though, although we have our ups and downs like everyone else.

As a young child all I wanted was to not be poor because it was humiliating and to be safe.Parents did actually have very well paid professional jobs but stepfather was an alcoholic, he died and Mother lost her mind and I was her carer at 13. I craved stability and they were very neglectful and he was violent.

I was very career driven and achieved pretty much what I wanted and am financially very comfortable. I then became very unwell and also suffered a serious trauma and almost died and was medically retired from work in my forties. In an almost 22 year relationship apart from a period of about four months last year when I initiated a separation I have had a very stable relationship with a very gentle man.

I set up a food banka few years ago others were involved but I was the protagonist. It's fed thousands of people. I may have been at the time a well paid professional woman who looked like she had it all but inside her there is always a part of me who is a scared hungry kid. I had to hide in the toilets of the supermarket when we did our very first food collection as it all came flooding back and I cried a lot, I have actually almost never cried in my entire life. I was told that people, that have had traumatic childhoods often struggle to cry.

My son cried to me a few months ago he is 6ft 4 I would say he is my greatest achievement, it was upsetting but that he felt safe and nurtured enough to be able to warms me.

No, not even remotely how I planned my life to be. Its considerably worse.

Nope. I had my "dream" job but I hated my workplace and so I've left it altogether now. It's a niche career so not much chance of moving on or up. I'm at home with the kids freelancing here and there with my eminent quals and experience growing dustier by the minute.

Mainly, yes. I have a nice job at a charity, I have been in a long term relationship for years with my DP who I love very much, I have a good relationship with my family and a decent group of friends.

However we can’t afford to buy at the moment, and I’d thought I would’ve owned property by now. Our rental is nice but the landlords can be difficult, and I would like a place to be properly mine and DP’s.

No DC yet but I hope that’ll be in the next couple of years once we are more financially secure (I just turned 30).

When I was about 16 I thought I’d work in publishing and live in a cool flat in crystal palace - so not quite the same but can’t really complain!

Honestly? Better. I grew up poor in a single parent family, always worried about money. I knew I didn’t want that as an adult but couldn’t see a path out.
The only thing I knew was that education was my only chance.
I’m now married with a baby, own our own home, self employed. I count my blessings every day.
Sorry for the smug post. Things aren’t perfect but they are better than I could have inagined.

It started getting back on track once I split from my ex, and now I'm nearly there. Single, childfree, almost debt-free, plenty of friends & family but a flat all to myself, and a job I find utterly riveting.

Teenage me would definitely have approved.

I moved abroad to do my dream job (took a long time to get there ) and technically it's super exciting, but I still get the feeling of daily school pickups, going to work, rushing out of house etc daily grind. Never enough time or energy for things. Move back to uk this year and feel like we should be doing something epic every weekend.....But too tired from the week.

No. I stayed in a shitty entry level publishing job to try and get pregnant. It took two years and colleagues have progressed and earn lots more money. DH is on a good salary but spends £600 on a commute that takes three hours. So on paper he earns a healthy amount but we don't see the benefit.

Our house is awful, shit neighbours, shit location and I'm dreading trying to sell. We bought where we could afford to live rather than where we'd like to live. I haven't opened the curtains in two years. If we manage to get rid of it I'll never buy again.

I hate my mother but still talk to her. I feel guilty despite everything she's done. I'm scared I'll be the mother to her that mine was to me.

I'm pregnant after two miscarriages and an infertility diagnosis. Strugging to cope and really feel like I won't be able to give this baby the life she deserves.