to say we need to treat this as a loan?

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

So after a really rough year of basically haemorrhaging money we have now found we have to replace our car after a (not my fault) accident.

on our own, our only option would be a very old and not really ideal replacement due to funds.

my DPs have said they were planning on giving us a sum of money as a nest egg anyway this year, they are giving it to us early so we can now use that to replace the car with something safe and newer.

So we started looking for the best option for us. the ideal option would max out the nest egg. which is fine, DPs are happy that we do this and DH is ok about it now he can see how perfect this choice is for what we need (primarily my car as SAHM to many DC!).

So we start looking (my DPs looking too as DF is much more car savy than me!!). Turns out that it will be really hard to get what we want for our budget. So DPs have now said, so what, we are buying it for you anyway. Likely this will cost £2-3K more than the nest egg they were planning to give us.

I feel uncomfortable about this - feels very 'entitled' (to use a MN favourite) that they were giving us a large sum of money and i feel like i have hinted/asked for more by choosing a car right at the top/just out of the budget. (i didn't ask or hint at all, it just feels that way and I really thought we could get what we wanted in the budget)

So tried to say no and DPs say "its our money we can do what we like with it and we're buying it for you". They also mentioned how shaken my DM was about the accident as all the DC were in the car too etc etc (we are all fine) and that their priority was to see their DD and DGCs in a safe and reliable car.

DH doesnt see the problem, agrees its their money and that we should just say thank you.

I feel that i can be as stubborn as my DF and I while i can't stop him spending it, we can add it to a loan we already have from them which would only cost us £10 a month to add it on.

So as not to drip-feed: we are very close with my DPs, see them several times a week, very active and involved grandparents etc etc. they are comfortably well off (early retirement with no downgrade in living standards/holiday etc) so i know they have the money to spend with no issue. They take us on holiday as we cant afford it etc. In contrast, DH's parents are at best disinterested and at worse toxic and have never been any form of support - emotional or financial to us. I admit that this is colouring my view that it is always my DPs helping us out and being involved.

So, sorry for the essay but WIBU? Me for not just accepting gracefully, or DP for being quite happy to accept extra (again) from my DPs while his ignore us.

Let them buy the car, it's a necessary expense.
Don't pay back the difference, use that to fix your financial situation so you can become more financially independent in the future.
Don't feel guilty that your dps help out so much. Just be grateful they are not like dh's otherwise you'll be up shit creek!

You must accept it.

It would hurt their feelings to reject the offer and pay it back as a loan. You offered this and they have refused it. There is a joy in giving and you would be unkind to allow them this.

*to not allow them this

wish people would read what i've actually written. we are not dependant on anyone. we can afford to live and had good savings but then bought a house, had issues with it and a no fault accident within a 14 month period. we can afford to replace the car like for like, which is what we would have done. but we have the oppertunity to replace it with a much better, newer, lower running cost and more practical for our needs car due to my parents contribution. my DPs have now said they want to add more to it as they want us to have the safest option available.

if you had read the full comment about my inlaws it would tell you (again) that its not the money - its the fact they dont care their DGC were in a car accident. my DPs came to pick me and DC up, looked after me while i was very shaken after it all. helped me make sure i got all the right info for insurance, have helped research the right car to buy etc etc. the inlaws thing is about the family emotional support not the money and not what this thread was about.

wish people would read what i've actually written. we are not dependant on anyone. we can afford to live and had good savings but then bought a house, had issues with it and a no fault accident within a 14 month period. we can afford to replace the car like for like, which is what we would have done. but we have the oppertunity to replace it with a much better, newer, lower running cost and more practical for our needs car due to my parents contribution. my DPs have now said they want to add more to it as they want us to have the safest option available.

if you had read the full comment about my inlaws it would tell you (again) that its not the money - its the fact they dont care their DGC were in a car accident. my DPs came to pick me and DC up, looked after me while i was very shaken after it all. helped me make sure i got all the right info for insurance, have helped research the right car to buy etc etc. the inlaws thing is about the family emotional support not the money and not what this thread was about.

it is not a range rover. it is a large vehicle that is required for a specific reason that i dont wish to disclose as it is too outing. a ford fiesta is not going to cut it here. it will also be more economical to run/tax etc than the old car/replacement of the old car. not a money pit at all.

Any expensive car outside of warranty has the potential to be a money pit because of the cost of maintenance and repairs.

Your parents want to help, no one is forcing them into this.

Stop being stubborn (I’m guilty of this) accept the cash as a gift and take them on lots of lovely drives and days out

As you mentioned in one of your posts, i’d offer to pay back the extra and if they say no, then accept gracefully.
I can see your DPs perspective, they want to see you and the DCs in a safe car and they are lucky enough to be able to help. Same with holidays, they want to enjoy the money while they can. Not everyone’s parents can do this but I would for my DCs if I could when they’re older. But it’s getting it right with the ‘assisting’ versus ‘telling’ you to do it my way because I’m right.

I would be sure siblings ok with this, and it will be fair in future or if anyone's circus change, otherwise see no barrier.
Like idea of offering to pay back, and a treat day out as thanks, try to be more prepared for emergency in future.
You may be able to buy back your damaged car from insurance and repair, but a newer (not necessarily brand new) car will be a better plan.

I didn't realise you were only paying the interest on the previous loan and not the capital so this would be the second large amount they have had to gift you.

Given they have had to give you money for the home improvements and a new car, you are very heavily reliant on them despite claiming you are not.

Accept it graciously and say thank you .
It’s unfair of you to call your in laws wasters though just because they don’t give you money or pay for holidays . Perhaps they expect their son to support his own family .

It sounds like you don’t like your in laws . They probably know this and don’t want to get involved . You’re making it a competition.

If my parents made that offer, I would gratefully accept. But they are not remotely controlling, have loads of cash and would genuinely just want to make my life easier..

It’s unfair of you to call your in laws wasters though just because they don’t give you money or pay for holidays . Perhaps they expect their son to support his own family

Or refuse to fund their lifestyle when they constantly want things they can't afford whilst having an adult opting out of work. I'd not want to finance that either. Financing everything just means raising an adult who constantly needs help.

Having an adult opting out of work? Has this become a sahm bashing thread?

We don't know much about the op, she has been careful not to give details. Maybe she had twins then triplets?

I have read the full thread and I still think you are dependent on them. I’m not saying you do it lightly but I do think you need to not have to rely on them at times.

Sometimes I feel like mumsnet is another world, populated only by rich lawyers who live in the city. I'm a cheapskate skint person living in the south west (dodgy area) who has every sympathy with the op. Life is not always easy. It deals us surprises sometimes. I certainly didn't expect what happened to me. ...

Let's stop criticising the op and give her some support. She is ridiculously lucky to have loving and supportive parents, and honest enough to feel ambivalent about about accepting their support.

I'm the same. I'd be in a single room in b&b with my two boys if it wasn't for my dad. ...

Please have some sympathy! The op wanted validation, because she felt rubbish about accepting this money. How many of you wouldn't do this for their own children?

Do we have to agree all the time? I know the op wanted validation but this is AIBU where some people might think the op is being unreasonable. No harm done in having a different view

I would put away in savings enough money to pay them back the extra amount in full
When you have done so offer it to them - if they refuse to accept it give in gracefully and keep it as emergency fund or to add to DC savings

So basically you want your ILs to offer but don't want your parents to offer?

They are treating you how you would like to treat your own children, presumably. It's no great loss to them, but it's a great gain to you. Accept it graciously.

fitzfool just take the loan, and stop thinking about this thread

So i spoke to my DPs last night. I explained I felt like it was greedy as they were already being so generous and that we really could continue to manage in a vehicle similar to the old one.

As several other posters have said they would feel, they reiterated that they wouldnt offer if they didnt mean it/couldn't afford it, that they felt it was important to have us in the safest vehicle and one that made day to day life easier for us. That they were happy that they were in a position to help us.

I offered to add it to the loan and my DF (who i may have inherited my stubborness from!!) said he would just up our christmas present budget to match the extra payments! then he told me to 'shut up, give me a hug and be grateful' (in his usual loving jokey way!)

So we have accepted the extra as a gift and hopefully soon we will have a new vehicle that really suits our needs.

I will not elaborate on the why, the combination of reasons is very outing, but i did state upthread that there is a good reason for a)needing a bigger than average vehicle and b) for me being an at home parent (and even if there wasn't, my salary would not cover the required childcare). so stop trying to beat me with that thank you.

We are saving, we have pensions, this has been caused by a run of bad luck after pouring most of our savings into buying a house.

Thank you for those who actually answered the question i asked, it helped me to have an honest conversation with my DPs and now everyone is happy.

As someone who likes being able to help out the next generation I'd be really pissed off if I made an offer like this and it was refused, particularly when I had concerns about safety. Take the car and enjoy it. I'm mystified by some of the really nasty comments made here.

Take their kind offer of a gift and just happily enjoy the new car. You have absolutely no idea of what sort of minding your parents may need in the future. You will be repaying your parents by providing care and being nearby when they need it if one or both gets elderly and frail. Or indeed has to come and live with you.
Also, don't let your guilty feelings make you continuously comment to your DP about his family. This is absolutely nothing to do with them. It's not their fault that your parents are generous and projecting that onto them won't help that situation. I'm sure your DP feels bad enough already.