to say we need to treat this as a loan?

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

So after a really rough year of basically haemorrhaging money we have now found we have to replace our car after a (not my fault) accident.

on our own, our only option would be a very old and not really ideal replacement due to funds.

my DPs have said they were planning on giving us a sum of money as a nest egg anyway this year, they are giving it to us early so we can now use that to replace the car with something safe and newer.

So we started looking for the best option for us. the ideal option would max out the nest egg. which is fine, DPs are happy that we do this and DH is ok about it now he can see how perfect this choice is for what we need (primarily my car as SAHM to many DC!).

So we start looking (my DPs looking too as DF is much more car savy than me!!). Turns out that it will be really hard to get what we want for our budget. So DPs have now said, so what, we are buying it for you anyway. Likely this will cost £2-3K more than the nest egg they were planning to give us.

I feel uncomfortable about this - feels very 'entitled' (to use a MN favourite) that they were giving us a large sum of money and i feel like i have hinted/asked for more by choosing a car right at the top/just out of the budget. (i didn't ask or hint at all, it just feels that way and I really thought we could get what we wanted in the budget)

So tried to say no and DPs say "its our money we can do what we like with it and we're buying it for you". They also mentioned how shaken my DM was about the accident as all the DC were in the car too etc etc (we are all fine) and that their priority was to see their DD and DGCs in a safe and reliable car.

DH doesnt see the problem, agrees its their money and that we should just say thank you.

I feel that i can be as stubborn as my DF and I while i can't stop him spending it, we can add it to a loan we already have from them which would only cost us £10 a month to add it on.

So as not to drip-feed: we are very close with my DPs, see them several times a week, very active and involved grandparents etc etc. they are comfortably well off (early retirement with no downgrade in living standards/holiday etc) so i know they have the money to spend with no issue. They take us on holiday as we cant afford it etc. In contrast, DH's parents are at best disinterested and at worse toxic and have never been any form of support - emotional or financial to us. I admit that this is colouring my view that it is always my DPs helping us out and being involved.

So, sorry for the essay but WIBU? Me for not just accepting gracefully, or DP for being quite happy to accept extra (again) from my DPs while his ignore us.

Also whether I'd see it as a loan depends on how much more it is. E.g. 40k plus another 3k I'd be more likely to accept the gift. 5k plus another 3k and it's almost doubling the amount and that would feel a bit weirder. I doubt 5k is classed as a nest egg though.

I'm itching to know how much the car is mostly due to being nosy but also I think the amount of money has a bearing.

It will make them happy if you accept their offer. It will make your family happy to have a safe car.
Win win.

One of the nice things about being financially secure is being able to do something for others which makes them more secure. In this case it is helping you to buy the best car for your needs.

Accept the offer with good grace.

Just say thank you. I'd love to be able to buy my adult kids a car, it would make me really happy. Let them be really happy.

it's not 40k and its not 5k either!

sorry, i'm worried in case its recognisable!

They want to do it for their own peace of mind. You say your mum was worried about the accident, so they want to rest easy knowing you will all be safer in a newer car. If they can afford it, want to and you know it won’t impact them financially then accept it. It’s what they want to do. Get the children to make cards to say thank you and invite them over for a meal.

i guess my feelings towards DH's useless parents is colouring it a bit. because i know if it was one of my own DC i would be there like a shot, helping in any way i could rather than see them struggle - because that's what parenting is. I think part of me would just like DPs parents to step up and actually give a damn!

and i guess as i would do it for my own, i should accept graciously and be very grateful.

Love your username op!

I would just let them pay for it, they clearly want to. Id offer the excess over the nest egg as a loab, if they refuse then they obviously just want to pay for it!

jenala if it helps, it's a single figure percentage increase on the original gift.

jolly thanks. although just realised it could be construed as a spoiler!

The amount of money definitely has a bearing. If it’s £40k + another £3k and £43 is being spent on a car when the OP can’t even afford the £3k (and is already in debt to her parents) then the car sounds very frivolous and a cheaper model more appropriate.

YABU. If you were in the position to do so, wouldn’t you want to help your children too? Your parents want to help you, it’ll make them happy. Just say thank you and accept their help. Why complicate things?

Accept gratefully. If I were trying (happy and able) to help my adult child in this way and they didn't want to accept because they were proud or resented the ILs' lack of contribution, I think I'd feel quite hurt, tbh.

weallhavewings - my parent's previous loan to us was a two way benefit - we are paying interest on it which is better than they would get in the bank. very much a win-win. It was not for frivolous spending, it was a necessary outgoing.

there are cheaper versions of the vehicle (by other makers) but my DP are adamant that should have the safest. I explained already there are reasons we need a specific type of vehicle which puts it above the normal price for a family car.

As a parent it gives me great pleasure to be able to help.out my.children. Your parents sound great and they really want to help you. So just say thanks. You haven't asked. You would do the same for your DCS I'm sure

anelderlylady i never considered the angle of being 'too proud' to accept help. i don't like that. not a good character trait. will think on that a bit.

Reading between the lines I'm wondering if your DPs only said that they had been going to give you a nest egg this year, and were just wanting to buy you the replacement car and only said that because they know you would feel guilty.

If you can afford to pay off the extra over time if you consider it as a loan, maybe you could put that amount into a bank account every month as a replacement nest egg? That way you can pay them back once you've saved it up if they accept it, or have an emergency fund for the next time something goes horribly wrong.

The figures don’t matter. Your parents are offering it out of love. It will make them happy to see you happy and safe. Don’t stand in their way.

Accept it graciously, OP. They want you and your family to have a car that is safe and it gives them pleasure to be able to help you with this. As you have said, you would not hesitate to do this for your own DC in time. You are massively overthinking this.

If they've offered, smile and say thank you - you aren't robbing them, let them have the pleasure of giving you something that also gives them peace of mind. You are overthinking it. FWIW, we help our adult DDs out all the time with money/DIY/time - it's one of our greatest pleasures that we are able to do so. If they expected or demanded it, it would be very different.

allergic no, for a start they would not lie to me, goes against everything they are. plus they are doing the same for my sibling, it was just originally coming later in the year when it came out of its current investments.

if relevant we are not destitute by any means. we have a bit still in savings and we are saving as we go, we have just had a run of unforseen expenditures which means we dont have £XXK sat in the bank to lump sum on a car. we are sensible savers with no debt (except this loan from my parents).

Personally, if I were sure they could afford it, I would say a big Thank You! to my lovely parents, and let them buy the car. Everyone happy.

However, unless you are the Turpin family, I am certain there is a suitable vehicle within budget, it is just that you have all become attached to one particular model.

They want to help and your family need the car. whatever your personal feelings are, your family needs and financial capabilities trump that, don't they?

Graciously accept. Your parents can clearly afford it and want to help - you didn't demand it. They probably realise that being a SAHM these days is much more of a struggle financially than it was for them.
Plus gifting money now is sensible given that it will reduce future IHT.

tawdry i am attached to the style of vehicle, my DPs are attached to the make (safest and most reliable available).