to say we need to treat this as a loan?

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

So after a really rough year of basically haemorrhaging money we have now found we have to replace our car after a (not my fault) accident.

on our own, our only option would be a very old and not really ideal replacement due to funds.

my DPs have said they were planning on giving us a sum of money as a nest egg anyway this year, they are giving it to us early so we can now use that to replace the car with something safe and newer.

So we started looking for the best option for us. the ideal option would max out the nest egg. which is fine, DPs are happy that we do this and DH is ok about it now he can see how perfect this choice is for what we need (primarily my car as SAHM to many DC!).

So we start looking (my DPs looking too as DF is much more car savy than me!!). Turns out that it will be really hard to get what we want for our budget. So DPs have now said, so what, we are buying it for you anyway. Likely this will cost £2-3K more than the nest egg they were planning to give us.

I feel uncomfortable about this - feels very 'entitled' (to use a MN favourite) that they were giving us a large sum of money and i feel like i have hinted/asked for more by choosing a car right at the top/just out of the budget. (i didn't ask or hint at all, it just feels that way and I really thought we could get what we wanted in the budget)

So tried to say no and DPs say "its our money we can do what we like with it and we're buying it for you". They also mentioned how shaken my DM was about the accident as all the DC were in the car too etc etc (we are all fine) and that their priority was to see their DD and DGCs in a safe and reliable car.

DH doesnt see the problem, agrees its their money and that we should just say thank you.

I feel that i can be as stubborn as my DF and I while i can't stop him spending it, we can add it to a loan we already have from them which would only cost us £10 a month to add it on.

So as not to drip-feed: we are very close with my DPs, see them several times a week, very active and involved grandparents etc etc. they are comfortably well off (early retirement with no downgrade in living standards/holiday etc) so i know they have the money to spend with no issue. They take us on holiday as we cant afford it etc. In contrast, DH's parents are at best disinterested and at worse toxic and have never been any form of support - emotional or financial to us. I admit that this is colouring my view that it is always my DPs helping us out and being involved.

So, sorry for the essay but WIBU? Me for not just accepting gracefully, or DP for being quite happy to accept extra (again) from my DPs while his ignore us.

Your parents sound great. They obviously love and care for you. Accept the money.

baby i dont. i just want them to give a damn about their son and grandchildren. you know, actually ask how they are after being in an accident? I dont expect money from them. i expect them to just give a damn and actually step up and be part of the family. and yes i'm a bit annoyed that DH never pulls them up on this but is happy to accept help from my DP. and i'm annoyed that if his DPs actually cared and supported us maybe my DPs wouldnt have to do so much. but that is a whole other thread and i acknowledged ages ago that it was colouring my judgement.

I think it's fine to help out as in a deposit for a house and such like. But I wouldn't want to facilitate my DC's to have large families that they couldn't afford to support. If they hit hard times and were in danger of losing their house then of course I'd step in. But not to bankroll them for ever.

Why not accept the gift - they wouldn't offer more than they could afford but do something very nice by way of showing your appreciation. Make a beautiful family dinner and buy your mum some flowers and tell them that this is to say thank you for being so supportive and such wonderful parents.

@MrsMozart is correct. Your DPs want to do this for you and your family, so allow them the pleasure, because that's what it is, Joy all round. Don't complicate things by adding to you're existing loan.
Do something lovely for your DPs instead. When the weather gets warmer, have a day out with the children, a luxury homemade picnic, a special pass-the-parcel, with little forfeits, involving the grandparents, buns the children have made. Ultimately, a big family thank you, for making the trip possible. They will love it.

bombs but it seems childish to say 'no, its my choice and i want the less safe car' !!

really i don't rely on them for holidays - we just wouldnt go. its not a problem. DPs want to take us as they enjoy spending time with us and can afford to and we graciously accept that. holiday saving isnt a priority for us right now as we need to re-fill the emergency fund after buying a house which needed a darn sight more doing to it than the survey suggested - hence the unexpected expenditure. we have just had a really bad year or so after buying the house (which wiped most of teh savings) which has got us off kilter. a year ago we could have bought the car (but it would have stopped us buy the house).

sugarpie that sounds so lovely and i will plan to do that (once we actually source this car and it stops bloody raining!!)

I'd want it treating as a loan too but under the cicums I don't think I could accept the money in the first place given you have already borrowed money, now want a new car but don't work and have your own savings.

Given the comments about your partners parents stepping up and helping too you seem to assume it's still a parents job to fund their adult children. If mine thought that, they would certainly be buying their own car.

So it’s £30k and they want to give you another £3k? I wouldn’t worry and graciously accept.

Being an adult is often about making sensible decisions and compromises.

A shiny expensive nearly new car that someone else pays for is nice, but buying a perfectly safe cheaper car and saving the rest so you have a buffer in the future is the sensible decision. I'd be uncomfortable if my mum and dad wouldn't let me make that adult decision.

To be honest I’d just try to negotiate that extra amount down from the dealer, it’s not really much on top.

I don't really see the dilemma? The money will be a gift. You don't have any intention if paying it back. Just paying £120 a year to cover the interest they would have lost. Really is there any point to that? It just sounds like you are trying to make some sort of point. Take the money and say thankyou.

OP, it's ok that you want PIL to care, of course they should.

But as Yellow says, you want them to 'support' you, which does imply you want them to support you financially.

I'd accept the money and take them out for a meal to say thank you for the car, or maybe take them on a family day trip in the car!

I think I agree with others that I would be uncomfortable about my parents having so much control over my life, down to deciding which car I have. They do sound lovely, so perhaps it isn't a problem, but you also seem to be quite reliant on them financially, which isn't ideal.

Your comments about your in-laws, and about your partner, are quite unpleasant I think. Not all parents are willing and/or able to support their adult children like yours do and there's not a lot your dh/p can do about that if his don't. I imagine if he dug his heels in and refused your parents' help/didn't want to go on holiday with them (I think you said with them, apologies if not) that would annoy you too as you are clearly very close to your parents. You say his didn't ask how you all were after the accident, so it really doesn't sound as if they are likely to offer money if he asked, so what exactly do you want him to do? He may be struggling with how he feels about his parents as yours are so great and his are not. Do you ever talk about that?

to be clear i do not expect annoy to financially support us. we can support ourselves day to day quite well. but we stretched to buy a house which then needed a lot of work which we weren't expecting. We had depleted our savings to minimum to buy the house. the work needed doing asap and DPs didn't need the capital, just the interest from it. so effectively we spent the capital and are paying them the interest. they offered as otherwise we would be needing to take a loan eleswhere to cover the work needed.. we are slowly saving up again but this takes time. DH is the sole earner so we need to make sure we have a cushion in the bank in case he cant work for any reason. (there are reasons I need to be a SAHM)

at this point we could afford to replace our car with what we had before and could manage with but it would be an old car with a lot on the clock. but we could do this, by ourselves. DPs would rather gift us this money (on top of a nest egg they were already planning to give us) so we can upgrade to a better, easier, safer and more reliable car.

they do not bankroll our life. they have allowed us to upgrade when we otherwise wouldnt have been able to.

by 'support' i mean emotional too - we can talk to my DPs about any decisions - like buying the house for example. my in laws just dont care unless its something they can brag to their friends about.

fitz, seems like there is always someone wanting to take offence at something you do or think on mumsnet . Just go for it and don't worry about DP's parents. Not all parents are the same and they won't change so just appreciate that you have one fab set of grandparents! Lots of people don't have that

witches yes we've talked about it lots. and you are right about a lot of what you say. its just my heart breaks for DH that his parents dont care like mine do. and by 'care' i dont mean 'money' i mean really care and want to spend time with us, want to hear about the DCs achievements, want to be proud of us. what do i want him to do? cut them off. they dont deserve us. and they make our life hell when they are here because they are so dismissive and judgemental. but he wont. and i cant make him. and we are at a huge stalemate over it. it only comes up now when things like this happen and it reinforces how wonderful my DPs are and how crap his are. the in laws thing was a bit of a red herring really as the whole situation makes me mad, irrelevant of this current car situation.

also reinforces that i want to be like my DPs for my DC when they are grown. i really appreciate having my DPs there for advice and support and to talk things through, even though i am an adult.

I am very settled and comfortable financially but my parents just gifted me a sizeable amount of money for Christmas.
They want to give you this money as a gift and improve your lives. Seems silly to me that you'd stress about it. Take it, say a big thank you then take them for a ride out when you get it.

As always I agree with Bluntness. You do sound pretty dependant on your parents. You can’t help a run of bad luck but you do need some better back up plans. Just cause your parents enjoy helping doesn’t mean you should accept. I just couldn’t keep taking.

it only comes up now when things like this happen and it reinforces how wonderful my DPs are and how crap his are

Things like this, as in money? I find that really distasteful. As it happens my inlaws are pretty crap, have never once minded our kids (eldest is a teenager now) and would never ring to ask how any of them are, even when unwell. They decided to commission a family portrait but didn't want any grandchildren in it, one example of many of how they leave the children out.

However they are ridiculously generous financially. I try to decline it all but unfortunately DH doesn't see just how crap they are and insists on accepting it. The only time I convinced him to decline was when I particularly large gift was offered but included lots of intolerable (to me) conditions.

My parents however expect us - as adults - to financially support ourselves. they do offer childcare, a loving home to visit and ring daily to enquire as to how we all are.

Guess which family I find to be 'wonderful'?

Anyway back to the op - I personally think you should have stuck within the budget agreed with your parents unless you were able to top it up yourselves from savings, you had an opportunity to get a nest egg which you clearly desperately need yet you choose to spend it all - and more - on a car, which as you have discovered is not a good investment. At the end of the day, it is done now, I don't really see what the AIBU is.

Just to add, I did read your other comments about your parents - I was responding to the fact that this money from your parents as apparently reminded you that the inlaws are crap.

I don't understand the assumption that a slightly older used car will be "Unsafe".
It's not dangerous as long as it's regularly serviced and looked after. You just need to buy it from a reputable seller.

Anyhow, sounds like you've made your mind up. Hope you enjoy your new car.

If your parents want to give you a bit extra I wouldn't worry about that. I would be more concerned about the car you are thinking of buying.

If £2-3k is a single figure percentage of the original offer the car must be at least £20-£30k which is a lot for a 4 to 5 year old car.

I'm guessing it's something like a Range Rover, which once outside of the warranty period, could be a money pit to maintain.

You could get a very good nearly new car for that money which would be in warranty and less expensive to repair if needed.