to say we need to treat this as a loan?

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

So after a really rough year of basically haemorrhaging money we have now found we have to replace our car after a (not my fault) accident.

on our own, our only option would be a very old and not really ideal replacement due to funds.

my DPs have said they were planning on giving us a sum of money as a nest egg anyway this year, they are giving it to us early so we can now use that to replace the car with something safe and newer.

So we started looking for the best option for us. the ideal option would max out the nest egg. which is fine, DPs are happy that we do this and DH is ok about it now he can see how perfect this choice is for what we need (primarily my car as SAHM to many DC!).

So we start looking (my DPs looking too as DF is much more car savy than me!!). Turns out that it will be really hard to get what we want for our budget. So DPs have now said, so what, we are buying it for you anyway. Likely this will cost £2-3K more than the nest egg they were planning to give us.

I feel uncomfortable about this - feels very 'entitled' (to use a MN favourite) that they were giving us a large sum of money and i feel like i have hinted/asked for more by choosing a car right at the top/just out of the budget. (i didn't ask or hint at all, it just feels that way and I really thought we could get what we wanted in the budget)

So tried to say no and DPs say "its our money we can do what we like with it and we're buying it for you". They also mentioned how shaken my DM was about the accident as all the DC were in the car too etc etc (we are all fine) and that their priority was to see their DD and DGCs in a safe and reliable car.

DH doesnt see the problem, agrees its their money and that we should just say thank you.

I feel that i can be as stubborn as my DF and I while i can't stop him spending it, we can add it to a loan we already have from them which would only cost us £10 a month to add it on.

So as not to drip-feed: we are very close with my DPs, see them several times a week, very active and involved grandparents etc etc. they are comfortably well off (early retirement with no downgrade in living standards/holiday etc) so i know they have the money to spend with no issue. They take us on holiday as we cant afford it etc. In contrast, DH's parents are at best disinterested and at worse toxic and have never been any form of support - emotional or financial to us. I admit that this is colouring my view that it is always my DPs helping us out and being involved.

So, sorry for the essay but WIBU? Me for not just accepting gracefully, or DP for being quite happy to accept extra (again) from my DPs while his ignore us.

I think it is cheeky to keep taking money from them when you are adults with your own family. Not content with accepting holidays they offer to buy you a car. And now you want a more expensive car. Not on really. Sorry.

I think you were always planning to take the extra, so not sure what the point of this thread was.

user that is it. we have enough to live comfortably but not enough for the big ticket items like cars/refurbs etc. life enriching things rather than 'keeping us off the breadline' things.

AJP that is my parents view - they want to see us enjoy life now rather than watch us struggle and then be ok when they die. this money will not effect their lifestyle in any way.

You are not taking advantage. Take the money but make sure they know how very grateful you are! (I am sure you will, you sound lovely).

Have you seen the threads on here? Many many people are helped out by parents, often to a staggering degree. I am always amazed by it. You will not be unusual for the middle classes in accepting help.

baby yes i was always planning to accept the extra - if you had ready the OP i stated it was whether to just accept it as a gift or to add the extra to the existing loan.

vivienne i can get a car in budget but my DPs want us to have the safe, more reliable (and by that fact, more expensive) option.

If it's a single figure percentage, can't you try to negotiate that off the value of the car from the dealer?

Take the car and graciously say thankyou. I can see why you think you may be taking advantage, but you really aren't, see it as not just a gift for you and DP but also as one for the DCs. It's your parents money and they can do what they want with it, they're choosing to spend it a bit of it on you, you'd do the same for your DCs.

I feel your pain, op.

I'm in difficult financial circumstances right now. A parent has been giving me money to pay my mortgage so that I don't have to sell my house before things turn around. I'm not sure things will ever turn around to that extent, and know I haven't a hope of ever paying this parent back. I think I should sell, and face facts. My parent says that's silly and I shouldn't give up yet (I'd lose all the equity before being entitled to housing benefit top ups). I'm deeply uncomfortable about taking so much money, but my parent tells me that I would do it in a heartbeat for my own children.

spring i didn't think of it as a gift to the DC. i think the driving factor behind them deciding to pay extra was my DM being so shaken at the thought of most of the people she loves most in an accident together ( i had all the DC in the car at the time). the vehicle we are looking at has a 5star nacap

Op, we would do this for any of our children and think nothing about should the need ever arise so just give your mum and dad a hug and say thank you.

OP, I think you were always planning to accept the extra as a gift not a loan.

I suggested upthread that you add the extra £10 to the repayments anyway, but it's not something you even considered.

i would without a doubt do what i could not to see my children struggle. i can even see how i would go without myself to see them not struggle. On that basis (and knowing this money will have no impact at all on my parents' lifestyle) i think i will offer to add it to the loan, they will refuse and then i will accept graciously.

baby i suggest you re-read. it was exactly that point that the thread was about! take as gift or add to loan. the majority have said accept the gift or offer to add to loan. which is what i've decided to do. stop making things up.

I had absolutely nothing when my children were small. One of my greatest pleasures in life is helping them now that they have families of their own. I don’t want to die and leave them a load of money, when they won’t need it.

You sound like a lovely daughter and I expect your parents are proud of you. Please accept this money as I am sure that it will make them happy.

There will come a time, I am sure when you will be in a position to pay them back. Not in monetary terms, but just by being there for them. I have had quite a reversal in my life. I was always looking after my Grandchildren, dog, cat and housing sitting. Now they do a lot more for me than I do for them . They do it willingingly and lovingly. I am not saying that do it because of the financial aid they have received.

The giving and receiving of gifts graciously is very important,

Yes, take the car and say thank you. My dad gave me £7000 to buy a car not long ago. Our car was written off (not our fault, someone drove into us at speed while we were stationary) and we got £2000 back from the insurance. My dad wanted to buy us a nice car although we would have been perfectly happy to just spend the £2000 and maybe top up another thousand from our savings but he wanted to give us the money and we therefore have a bigger, safer and newer car than we could otherwise have managed. The money is neither here nor there to him and did not make a difference to his quality of life or financial position. I texted him a picture of my boot recently with about six bags of shopping in it and said 'every time I do this, I'm SO grateful for this car' which is the absolute truth - it's so much bigger and nicer than anything I could have afforded - and he texted back 'this makes me really happy'. He is genuinely pleased to have helped us and it has made him happy. Happier than having the money in the bank.

ooh heck i'm 'trending' never done that before!!

And we did offer to pay the money back and he said no.

hebenon that sounds just like my DPs. and how much easier this car will make my day to day life is huge so likewise i will always be so grateful.

i will offer to add to the loan and see what they say.

As the car is primarily for you, I'm not sure why you're annoyed with your DH that he wants you to accept DPs buying you the pricier car.

It sounds like you want his parents to contribute to your holidays and cars too.

My parents bought our last car also for safety reasons. I was hugely grateful. They were in a position to buy us a safe, newer car whereas we on our own would have had to opt for an older one. I think they would have been insulted to be paid it back at £10 per month tbh. It's hardly going to make a difference to them if they have plenty of money. It'll feel much better to them if you thank then profusely and take the generous gift.

My dcs are all now over 18 - doing what I can for them financially is one of my greatest pleasures in life. Sounds like your dps are the same - don't deny them that pleasure!

My inlaws helped us buy our car, not as ££ as yours but again, we had a specific requirement that meant the car was going to be more expensive than a standard 4 door. We put some in ourselves but they paid most of it.
My inlaws have helped a lot financially but don't have a lot of involvement otherwise. They don't babysit or anything. I'd like it if they were more interested but I just don't think that's the type of grandparents they are.

I'd be uncomfortable accepting money if it came with restrictions on what it was spent on, i.e. you can have this money but only if you get a particular make of car. I wouldn't want to be dictated to like that as an adult.

We are in the fortunate position of being able to help out our DCs financially. They never expect it and always offer to repay us but it gives us so much pleasure to be able to help them. The alternative is they get left it in our wills, when they probably won't need it nearly as much and we won't be able to see them enjoying it!

You've said a couple of times how you can afford to live comfortably and that you are 'savers' yet you can't cope financially with unforseen expenses and rely on your parents to pay for these plus other predictable expenses like holidays. So in reality you are actually financially dependent on them. Do you not think that maybe you and your DH should be making an effort to improve your own situation so that you don't need to do this? Having been in this situation myself briefly for a time, I found it pretty infantilising with hindsight and my self esteem improved a lot when I was able to support my children myself without needing to rely on other people. Saying your parents are insisting on buying the more expensive car because they want (understandably) you to be safe is an example of your parents being allowed to make decisions about you and your family almost as though you were still a child! Kindly meant of course, but it would make me uncomfortable.