to say we need to treat this as a loan?

[FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes]

So after a really rough year of basically haemorrhaging money we have now found we have to replace our car after a (not my fault) accident.

on our own, our only option would be a very old and not really ideal replacement due to funds.

my DPs have said they were planning on giving us a sum of money as a nest egg anyway this year, they are giving it to us early so we can now use that to replace the car with something safe and newer.

So we started looking for the best option for us. the ideal option would max out the nest egg. which is fine, DPs are happy that we do this and DH is ok about it now he can see how perfect this choice is for what we need (primarily my car as SAHM to many DC!).

So we start looking (my DPs looking too as DF is much more car savy than me!!). Turns out that it will be really hard to get what we want for our budget. So DPs have now said, so what, we are buying it for you anyway. Likely this will cost £2-3K more than the nest egg they were planning to give us.

I feel uncomfortable about this - feels very 'entitled' (to use a MN favourite) that they were giving us a large sum of money and i feel like i have hinted/asked for more by choosing a car right at the top/just out of the budget. (i didn't ask or hint at all, it just feels that way and I really thought we could get what we wanted in the budget)

So tried to say no and DPs say "its our money we can do what we like with it and we're buying it for you". They also mentioned how shaken my DM was about the accident as all the DC were in the car too etc etc (we are all fine) and that their priority was to see their DD and DGCs in a safe and reliable car.

DH doesnt see the problem, agrees its their money and that we should just say thank you.

I feel that i can be as stubborn as my DF and I while i can't stop him spending it, we can add it to a loan we already have from them which would only cost us £10 a month to add it on.

So as not to drip-feed: we are very close with my DPs, see them several times a week, very active and involved grandparents etc etc. they are comfortably well off (early retirement with no downgrade in living standards/holiday etc) so i know they have the money to spend with no issue. They take us on holiday as we cant afford it etc. In contrast, DH's parents are at best disinterested and at worse toxic and have never been any form of support - emotional or financial to us. I admit that this is colouring my view that it is always my DPs helping us out and being involved.

So, sorry for the essay but WIBU? Me for not just accepting gracefully, or DP for being quite happy to accept extra (again) from my DPs while his ignore us.

I agree with pretty much everyone. Accept it with thanks and plan to do the same for your children one day.

ok so the majority seem to think IABU!! duely noted!! I will very graciously accept their offer. i like the idea of getting the kids to make cards, they will love that.

will take them out for a day trip with the DC in it when we get it!

They’re doing it because they love you and it will give them great pleasure to know you are safe and secure. Accept with grace, and be very nice to them when they are elderly and frail.

What do you already owe them money for?

purple i hope one day we will be able to. not that likely (certainly not this amount) as my parents were classic of their time - cheap to get on the property ladder, good interest rates on saving etc etc. But we will definitely plan to be there for them however we can.

purplewithred - they have asked that we knock them on the head if dementia kicks in....is that what you mean?!

aridane why is that relevant?

If it is a single figure percentage increase then that must be quite a large sum to pay for a car. Also paying off £3-4K at £10 per month would take ages surely.

OP do you have siblings, can your parents afford to do the same for them?

I suppose if I was struggling financially I would rather have some money to put in savings rather than spend it all on a car. Is it not possible to get something slightly cheaper but still covers all your needs?

Tawdry one of them or their DCs may be physically disabled, which will seriously restrict the car they can get e.g. one you can transport wheelchairs in, or even load up a passenger in a special chair without them getting out. I'm not saying this is the case and I respect the OPs desire not to go into details, but is a good example of a requirement for a particular type of (usually expensive) car.

ineed yes siblings will get the same. we are not paying off the loan, we are paying interest on it. My DPs dont need the lump sum, they only need the interest on it to make up their financial planning needs. we pay more interest than the bank and the loan will be 'written off' when they die. again, sibling has the same.

You sound lovely OP. For me it would depend upon siblings. Do you have them? Do you all get fairly treated? If so or if you are an only one I would certainly accept graciously, as mercenary as it sounds you will presumably inherit all their remaining wealth at some point so from their perspective you are just getting some of it earlier and it is making them happy to know you are safe and your life is made easier.

We are at a very comfortable stage of our lives, DS is better off than DD financially and saving for a house. DD won't be able to afford one without a partner so potentially we could consider part owning a house with her. However provision would be made in out wills that DS got an equivalent amount on our death to compensate for her inheriting our half of the house.

Anyway I'm rambling. Basically as long as you aren't the golden child, accept with thanks!

They wouldn't offer if they didn't want to do it. Be gracious about their offer.

allergic thank you for understanding that there can be good reasons for needing an expensive car.

I agree with your conclusion OP - I think the important thing is what do your DPs want, as it's their money.

My DF is also extraordinarily generous with me and my siblings. When I've needed something I've always offered to repay it as a loan; sometimes he takes me up on it, sometimes he doesn't. I then leave the decision up to him. It sounds as if your DPs are much more bothered about you having a reliable car than anything else

Ahhh, crossed posts! I have my answer 😂

hotel sibling and i are treated completely fairly (not equally necessarily, but fairly). there are provisions in their wills for any monetary discrepancies to be evened out. They would absolutely do the same for my sibling. no golden child here. we are very lucky.

I see where thr discomfort comes in here, you already have a loan, paying back a tenner a month is pretty much a joke, in addition they pay for other things for you, like going on holiday. And then offered you a lump sum and you "need" more.

No I personally wouldn't take it. I'd be embarassed to keep taking from my parents like this and I'd find another way for myself and my husband to pay the extra.

Your parents sound fabulous - not the financial aspect, but their love & support for you & the GKs I hope you enjoy them for many, many years.

I would accept gracefully because your relationship as a family sounds very straightforward and non-games playing. They obviously want to help and you have a practical need they can afford to help with.

However, if you can afford to pay the extra back over the next few months, I would put the equivalent aside and maybe give them back cash or something they would truly appreciate in 6/12 months.

bluntness we dont pay a tenner a month. we pay a particular percentage interest per month. to pay the same interest on the extra they are offering would be about an extra £10 a month on what we pay now.

If it’s a genuine offer and they are comfortable then accept it. I’ve realised the financial gifts my parents have made to me and my sister make them happy. We’re both financially secure but gifts from my parents have helped us with car purchases, garden work, bathroom re-fits. Things that we would have struggled to do at the time without help that have made our lives better.

In contrast we tend to borrow money from my husband’s parents and in your circs I would expect to treat the extra as a loan with my inlaws. But they tend to do more generous presents at Xmas/birthdays than my parents and it would be our Inlaws that we would turn to if things went financially wrong rather than my parents. Both help us out enormously but in slightly different ways.

You’ll know how things work with your parents and whether they would be genuinely happy to give you the money.

Accept it. Say thank you. Are you their only child? Tbh no doubt they do not want to see you struggle. They also see little point in money sitting idle earning chuff all in interest. Honestly take it. My parents never were in that postion but i had a colleague in a similar position. Both parents fairly high earners. She was only dc. They gave her and dh half the cost of a house and when kids came along bought them a car. Their view was they should have it now so they could enjoy dc being young rather than getting it all when they were older. And it gave parents a lot of pleasure.

Can only say that we would happily help either dd like this if we knew they were going through tough times financially. Wouldn't give it a second thought. I dare say your DPs feel the same. I don't know what we're here for, if not to help our kids when we can.

We've just got a new (second hand, 2017) car - we got a bank loan but added it to the mortgage so the payback rate is lower or something? DH sorted it and I'm sorry to say I didn't pay 100% attention but think that's the gist. Could be an idea! But sounds like you should accept as a gift anyway.

to add, the previous loan was not asked for. it was offered and talked through at length.

regular no game playing at all. we are a very harmonious family (until we fight over the last pig in blanket at christmas!)