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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:

Hooleywhipper · 21/01/2018 12:43

Aeroflot has got it spot on..

ChocolateWombat · 21/01/2018 12:52

I'm surprised by the people on this thread who sympathise with SILs boyfriend.

Being part of a family does involve sometimes putting yourself out and doing along to events which might not be your top choice. The mature person recognises this and is able to enter into it graciously. A wedding is a big event for a family and most people find it within themselves to be gracious and let the bride and groom organise things as they wish and go along with it, rather than making a fuss about minor details.

The idea that no one should ever do anything that wouldn't be their top preference and that its poor behaviour to invite people or ask people to come to something that might not be their top choice is just crazy, totally individualistic and works against anyone ever developing proper relationships with family or friends.

As has been said, the boyfriend has been invited. It's not a summons and he doesn't have to go. To choose not to go, strikes me as odd unless he has only just got together with SIL. However, he is free to do so, but not to constantly ask the arrangements to be readjusted to suit him.

And yes to inviting brother on the understanding that he will need to find or at least pay for accommodation. It seems a shame to leave him out.

The unwillingness of family guests to put up with minor inconveniences amazes me. Yes the OP is asking them to travel and give up a weekend, but they are family and I think anyone should feel they CAN ask family to do this a few times in their life. And actually, I would feel entitled to do it - a word with negative connotations in life and on MN, but actually, part of being a family is that you can make asks of them that you couldn't with other people. I would be so disappointed to be in a family where I or they didn't feel able to make requests of each other and sometimes big requests, because we were all too concerned about pussy footing around a peach other and invading each other's personal space and priorities. I want to be able to ask things of friends and family and for them to ask them of me. What is life without this kind of interaction?

NewYearNiki · 21/01/2018 12:52

No Aeroflot hasn't quite got it spot on.

It is an invitation not an invite.

Yvest · 21/01/2018 12:53

Sorry, I can’t quite get over you not inviting your brother. Is there a long back story somewhere because of not then I think you’ve a bigger problem than who gets which bedroom

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 12:57

What has the brother got to do with theCFbehaviour of the SIL/her DP?

The OP has commented onthe situation with her brother in several posts anyway.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 12:58

It is an invitation not an invite

Actually it can either.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 12:58

Thank you NewYear, is that all you have to say for yourself!

AgnesBrownsCat · 21/01/2018 13:01

Tell them no . No other explanation needed .

NewYearNiki · 21/01/2018 13:03

When did this invite and gifted shit start.
You get an invitation not an invite and you were given something not gifted something.

lots of love for 12 strangers in a house all weekend

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 13:07

So NewYear I did not realise the grammar police were on this thread .

ChocolateWombat · 21/01/2018 13:08

These are not 12 strangers, but family and their partners.

And since when was spending a weekend with people you don't know, but who are important to your other half, such an impossible and awful ask or experience? Unwillingness to step into the unknown occasionally sounds like a recipe for a small minded and narrow little life. Fortunately, most people will feel they can cope with such an idea and it's not a terrifying,Madrid or abhorrent idea to them.

For people who just cannot cope with being with people they don't know, or the idea of going down a corridor to a loo, or shock horror - sharing a bathroom with people they don't know, well perhaps it is best they decline all invitations and just stay in their houses with the things and people they know.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 13:12

You get an invitation not an invite

Take your argument up with Chambers and other dictionary publishers then.

To not give in to wedding guests demands

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 13:15

I did not realise the grammar police were on this thread

They aren’t. The grammar police would know that a question should finish with a question mark and not a full stop.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 13:16

soupdragon

Madonnasmum · 21/01/2018 13:17

But back to the OP is go back with 4 options.

Twin with ensuite
Double with dedicated
Organise own accommodation
Don't come.

Request their answer by x date. If they pick 3 or 4 extend invite to DB.

gillybeanz · 21/01/2018 13:21

i don't know why you compromised your wedding night in the first place.
It's nice to accommodate guests but you should be in the main area, it's your wedding.

As for cf just tell them it's sorted and so sorry if bil can't attend now.
Your downfall was changing it for them in the first place.
Please learn how to be assertive or people will walk all over you throughout your life.

Wilburissomepig · 21/01/2018 13:21

Don't give in to these silly demands. You've already moved them because of an earlier tantrum so tell them (not ask) that this is accommodation available to them and if he chooses not to come, or arrange alternative accommodation for themselves, can they let you know asap so that you can reallocate the room to someone else.

With regards to your brother. Ring him, tell him you want him there and make it happen. (If he wants to and can afford to come , that is).

MichaelBendfaster · 21/01/2018 13:25

Hands up who would like to spend a whole weekend in one cottage with 14 people half of whom you don't know as they are in laws family and have to endure planned entertainment all weekend? How many of you would be up for that, paid for or not?

They don't have to come if they think it's going to be that terrible.

If he has medical issues that mean he needs a private en suite, tell them they can swap back to their original room.

If he doesn't have medical issues they're just being divas and they can put up, shut up or not come.

ChocolateWombat · 21/01/2018 13:35

I will put my hand up to wanting to go to something like this if invited. Beyond the fact I would actually enjoy it, I would go because the OP is either a family memeber or my partner is a family memeber of hers, and I know her wedding is important to her and I want to be there to support her. Simples. It's about her and not me. Sometimes I like to do things that will make other people happy, not just myself. And I can cope with doing things that might be someone else's preference not just my own.

expatinscotland · 21/01/2018 13:45

You can't move them, you already moved your friend, now you're going to have to move her again because of SIL'S CF boyfriend? Nah. He can not come. It all sounds like a lot of stress for a second wedding with a 2-year engagement. I'd personally jog off to the registry office (in fact, I did with DH, who had never been married before), but the whole set up seems to be a lot of work.

Just lob the ball back in their court.

Can't believe so many people are still fixated on the brother's not being invited when you have already explained that he was involved in your first wedding and that he doesn't have the finances to attend and is fine with it. Also can't believe how many think this CF boyfriend is all right. He's a twat.

Tistheseason17 · 21/01/2018 13:46

He prob won;t come but at least you will have invited him.

I also agree with what Raven says

Inertia · 21/01/2018 13:54

I hope you manage to patch things up with your brother- if there's any way that family can club together to at least offer to pay for his flight I'm sure he'd appreciate the gesture, even if he and his wife do decide that it's too far/ too late in the day.

SIL's partner does need to be told that the rooms are now sorted but you understand if he feels unable to attend, or would prefer to book hotel accommodation elsewhere.

DivisionBelle · 21/01/2018 14:00

I actually do know my DB’s ILs. We have met at countless family events, social occasions, treat wider extended family as friends.

If there were one or two I didn’t know I would look forward to meeting them.

And none of us are entitled and spoilt, we are relaxed and good at mucking in.

I imagine the OP’s family are like this (apart from the CF, of course) or she and her DP would not have planned a weekend like this.

iBiscuit · 21/01/2018 14:08

All the people being misery guts just because they’re invited to a wedding or hate their families. This isn’t what the OP’s thread is about. Go work out your neurotic unaccommodating hate of your family somewhere else other than this poor woman’s thread.

This would be an apt post on pretty much every wedding related thread on MN

OldPony · 21/01/2018 14:15

I'd be very happy to go to my partner's sister's wedding. But having to spend the entire weekend living in some pseudo family home set up, would be shit.

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