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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 21/01/2018 11:18

Hmm on further reading, I think that SIL’s partner has thought to himself ‘what could be worse than wasting a weekend by going to the middle of nowhere, with people I hardly know. How can I get out of this?’ And he’s proceeded to whine to SIL about how uncomfortable they will be. She wants him to come and so she’s trying to get OP to make the accommodation nicer for him.

I think he’ll be thrilled to be uninvited

OldPony · 21/01/2018 11:19

Cheers Brim

Pengggwn · 21/01/2018 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/01/2018 11:20

Readng the rest of the thread OP I would suggest that your SIL and her boyfriend go elsewhere with a toilet to his liking - and you allocate their room in the cottage to your brother - and pay for him to get there.

NewYearNiki · 21/01/2018 11:23

Why is everyone calling the guests CFs?!

Hands up who would like to spend a whole weekend in one cottage with 14 people half of whom you don't know as they are in laws family and have to endure planned entertainment all weekend?

How many of you would be up for that, paid for or not?

HaHaHmm · 21/01/2018 11:24

I wonder if Bogzilla is being difficult because he doesn't really want to come?

I think you might be onto something here. He might be very grateful to be given an out.

OP, you sound terribly stressed and I think it's because you're desperately trying to keep everyone happy. The risk is that you end up pleasing no-one, least of all yourself and your DH to be.

I think you need to bear in mind that, lovely though your plans sound, a weekend away with extended family isn't necessarily everyone's cup of tea. So stop trying to split yourself ten different ways to please everyone and get back to the fundamental purpose of the weekend - your marriage! Allocate rooms and then leave them to it. They're adults.

Oh, and invite your brother Smile

Pengggwn · 21/01/2018 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewYearNiki · 21/01/2018 11:27

Perhaps they didn't know it was a private house rather than a hotel when they agreed to go.

BashStreetKid · 21/01/2018 11:28

Can't believe people think it's the guests being CF's. Wether it's all paid for or not the guests are still giving up their whole weekend to do what the bride wants

Who's forcing them to do that? I'm sure they all know they can say no to the invitation, or decide to stay elsewhere, or only stay for one night or similar.

Lonesurvivor · 21/01/2018 11:28

Please invite your brother, cut back on paying for everything for other guests and pay for him to be there instead.

You really need to sort this out with him, no matter how good he appears to have taken it what you've done is extremely hurtful.

Pengggwn · 21/01/2018 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madonnasmum · 21/01/2018 11:30

Not helpful but can't believe you invited dp's sister but not your own brother!
No wonder he's upset. Is it too late to get extra accommodation and invite him and his brood? It's up to him if he can afford it / come alone!

Galaxyfarfaraway · 21/01/2018 11:37

I am amazed that so many people think the OP is a CF for inviting people to a cottage with family to celebrate a wedding.
Can you people not spare a weekend to celebrate a wedding with close family? Or are your families so shit it's your idea of hell. Or is it you that a bit shit and your family would not want to spend time with you.

Get over yourselves and go for the weekend. At the end of the day it's only your family and close friends who are going to give a shit when you die. If you can't give up 48 hours for them then maybe they won't either.
This is exactly what's wrong with the world. People are not willing to give up time or effort for anyone. It is all about them. !!!

Pseudousername · 21/01/2018 11:38

OP, what are the chances of you booking the sister and partner into a nearby place - a double with an en suite - and give your brother a bell and say you made a mistake, you'd love him there and give him the spare room at the cottage?

notapizzaeater · 21/01/2018 11:39

I'd send the text reallocating the rooms, stick her with her mum and bugger him. And phone and invite your brother

Shadow666 · 21/01/2018 11:46

I don't think the OP is a CF, but I wouldn't really be thrilled at the prospect of sharing a house all weekend with my partners family and partners SILs family most of whom I barely know or don't know at all. I imagine he doesn't really want to go. However, if he doesn't want to go, he should just man up and say so. Surely, SIL can come on her own? Why not get DP to call his sister and find out what's going on?

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 11:53

Why is everyone calling the guests CFs?!

  1. they demanded to be switched to the double rather than the twin.

  2. they then demanded to be switched to an ensuite room or the DP won’t come.

On what planet is that not being a CF?

JingsMahBucket · 21/01/2018 11:54

Galaxyfarfaraway
I am amazed that so many people think the OP is a CF for inviting people to a cottage with family to celebrate a wedding.

Can you people not spare a weekend to celebrate a wedding with close family? Or are your families so shit it's your idea of hell. Or is it you that a bit shit and your family would not want to spend time with you.

Get over yourselves and go for the weekend. At the end of the day it's only your family and close friends who are going to give a shit when you die. If you can't give up 48 hours for them then maybe they won't either.

This is exactly what's wrong with the world. People are not willing to give up time or effort for anyone. It is all about them. !!!

^THIS RIGHT HERE. Quoted for emphasis. All the people being misery guts just because they’re invited to a wedding or hate their families. This isn’t what the OP’s thread is about. Go work out your neurotic unaccommodating hate of your family somewhere else other than this poor woman’s thread.

And FFS, will people stop telling the OP to invite her brother?! She already feels like crap about it. She doesn’t need people bleating on about the mix up.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 21/01/2018 11:56

If the husband needed a room for medical reasons rather than being a CF, he would have been happy with the original room. It's not like he's never going to sleep in the same bed as his wife ever again.

But I agree with a PP, this might only be the start of their CFery and you don't know what else they might do/demand when you all get there. What does your DP think about it all? He needs a long discussion with his sister about what is and isn't acceptable, but even then there's no guarantee that she'll behave at the time.

If the OP is close to her brother and they have a good relationship, I can understand that in an open, friendly chat there might not seem to be any difference between not inviting him and inviting him knowing he wouldn't be able to attend. (And I can imagine the possible reverse post on here - 'my sister's getting married in a different country, but I've just been made redundant, I can't afford the flight and my wife refuses to travel with me anyway. But now I feel obliged to attend.')

Pengggwn · 21/01/2018 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/01/2018 12:05

If you'd actually read the thread, Jings then you'd see that OP is sad that her brother won't be attending. It's still early enough to make arrangements so that he could.

Who is calling the OP a CF? (such a STUPID term).

Stop telling other people how they can post because most if not all on this thread are supportive of the OP.

Flappyears · 21/01/2018 12:07

I think people are ‘bleating about the brother’ because the OPs account is not really consistent. First she says that she booked the accommodation in 2016. So she presumably knew then that he wouldn’t be able to fit in the place they’d booked. He has only recently been made redundant. So that’s a red herring. Okay, I know it’s mn law that your wedding is yours and you can do whatever you like, and invite or not invite anyone you like. In the real world a lot of people would feel hurt at not being included in a family wedding. Whatever the OP says to herself about why she did this (putting his financial situation first etc), she took the choice away from him and prioritised non-family members (eg. SiL dp) over him.

SoozC · 21/01/2018 12:32

My parents wanted a family week away to celebrate their ruby wedding. My DB and I don't really get on, we're polite but that's about it. When we got there, my DP and I had been allocated the twin room, sharing a bathroom with my two DNs and a friend of the eldest's. My parents and DB/DSIL had double rooms with en-suite. I felt second-class, that because DP and I weren't married (been together 8 years at that point) we weren't even considered for the double, even though had my DB/DSIL been in the twin they would have been sharing a bathroom with their own kids. The twin room was about half the size of the doubles. But I said nothing, as the week was about my parents and I wanted them to have a good holiday and not have me and DB shouting at each other.

The CF wedding guests should put up and shut up. They don't have to go, they could stay elsewhere. It's about the bride and groom, a night or two of not having an en-suite or not sharing a bed is nothing. It's as though no-one is allowed to have what they want anymore, you should never be so selfish as to want people to stay with you for your wedding. There comes a point when people are allowed to be selfish and do something for themselves. That's not being cheeky, that's thinking of yourself which is not a crime.

JingsMahBucket · 21/01/2018 12:35

LyingWitch I did read the thread and that’s why I wrote that people should stop telling the OP to invite her brother.

As for the rest of your post, try reading the last two pages full of misery guts PP before railing at me.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 12:40

My goodness, the arguments in support of thus cf behaviour are very flimsy and do not wash. It's an invite, not a summons, the sister and brother in law are under no obligation to go if they don't want, or stay in the cottage, they are free to make their own arrangements, or decline the invite. Or if Brother in law really does not want to go, tge sister can go on her own, she not chained to him!