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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think sex as a parent is crap

140 replies

aliceinwonderglass · 21/01/2018 00:09

My eldest (9 year old DD) has just walked in on me & DH in the middle of it.
We have 3 DC - DD1 (9), DD2 (7) and DS1 (7 months)
When the planets do finally align (i.e all kids are in bed, one of us isn't tired, we are both in the mood) and we manage to get a moment to ourselves, it is now interrupted by one of the kids barging through the door with "something to tell us".
AIBU to think that my sex life as a parent for the foreseeable future (i.e until all kids have grown & flown the nest) will be naff?

It's not just the interruption but realising that I've become the repulsive shagging parent.

OP posts:

FlyingElbows · 21/01/2018 08:23

Lol, if you think having little kids puts a dampener on your sex life just you wait til they're teenagers!

Gladiola44 · 21/01/2018 08:27

Nah. Depends on how it is dealt with by the parents

It doesn’t matter how it is “dealt with” by the parents after the fact, there are some things you can never unsee and and it’s best to avoid that for your child.

TruffaloTree · 21/01/2018 08:27

You don't need a lock as such. Just get a very simple brass hook and eye set (available from B&Q for pennies virtually, no fitting or tools required, just screw in with hands). Put it at the top of the door where you can reach but kids can't. Not as intrusive to a door as "a lock" but will definitely prevent the door from being opened without warning.

BitOfFun · 21/01/2018 08:32

Thurlow, there's a big difference between locking your kids in their bedroom and making your own space temporarily private. I'm quite surprised you can't see the difference.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/01/2018 08:40

DS1 is 12 and hasn't ever caught us in the act yet so we've never needed a lock. We do knock though, and I knock on his door before I go in so it reinforces the whole 'rooms being private' thing.

I caught my parents at about 11 and the next day told them I knew they'd been at it and how revolting it was. They just laughed and apologised, it wasn't traumatic at all.

metalmum15 · 21/01/2018 08:51

Get one of those rubber doorstops that shoves right under the door, will buy you a bit of time while dc is trying to get the door open.

PARunnerGirl · 21/01/2018 08:54

I am going to try and word this sensibly so I don’t get a barrage of hate- this is only my opinion!

I am mid 30s, no children and from a big family (4 siblings who have two kids each now). I was never sure about having children, especially as siblings and friends started to have them and I was able to “observe” everything that comes with it). There are lots of pros and cons either way and I think ultimately you make the decision you hope is right for you. At times the grass will be greener.

Sex is something I enjoy very much and a pleasure I Place a lot of importance and priority on. I definitely wouldn’t like it to be reduced in spontaneity, frequency or variety, especially for such a long period of time.

Sex is not the reason I didn’t have kids! It is one of the many cons I weighed up against the pros.

For the OP- I think a simple lock is absolutely fine. My parents had one and they also put easy-to-open-from-the-outside locks on our bedroom doors once we were teenagers. Not so we could have sex! But just so we felt we had a bit of privacy in a busy house. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

Toadinthehole · 21/01/2018 08:54

Lol, if you think having little kids puts a dampener on your sex life just you wait til they're teenagers!

Why? A teenager walking in you will surely only make that mistake once.

Mintychoc1 · 21/01/2018 08:58

Well I imagine the issue with teens is that they stay up later - often later than their parents - they know what you're doing, they come and go as they please, they won't believe the "tickle fight" stories etc.

Redwineistasty · 21/01/2018 08:59

Both our dc are in school now. Dh and I have Fridays off. That’s our shag day! *romantic

BlondeB83 · 21/01/2018 08:59

Get a lock!

Toadinthehole · 21/01/2018 09:04

Mintychoc1,

Well, my eldest will be a teen in a free months and the prospect of them realising what we're up to really doesn't bother me at all.

Perhaps it would bother them. Not my problem!

chipsandgin · 21/01/2018 09:06

Because teenagers stay up as long as you and unless you have a massive house it is blindingly obvious what you are doing - therefore it isn't so much the walking in but trying to be 'in the mood' when through a paper thin wall/ceiling is a person who can hear every bed squeak/movement and quite rightly will not want to listen to that. Sneaking home for week day daytime sex is the only option - or hanging on in there through the tiredness and staying up later than a sleep resistant teen (and making sure they really are asleep!). Little kids were a breeze compared to having teens in the house - generally!

Redwineistasty · 21/01/2018 09:07

I also walked in on my parents when’s i was 13, they openly told me what they had been doing.
I’m not traumatised

donajimena · 21/01/2018 09:07

Whoever was clutching pearls at the door lock I think the aim is to compose and clothe yourselves before attending to children not so you can carry on in gay abandon while little Timmy wails at the door.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 21/01/2018 09:07

Shift work is great, kids in school, house to ourselves. You’ll have to change jobs OP, it’s the only sensible way to go!

Chasingsquirrels · 21/01/2018 09:15

Late-DH and I had 2 nights a week (when my boys were with their dad) for noisy sex, drawn out sex, lazing in bed on a weekday morning sex etc.
I appreciate a lot of people don't get that, and sex on days the boys were home was quiet, quick, sometimes interrupted, but still happened.

I really don't understand the viewpoint that a child glimpsing it's parent engaged in loving sexual activity (which presumably ends as soon as the child's presence is registered) is going to harm them.
I remember hearing my parents having sex (actually hearing the bed creaking rather than hearing them) when I was an early teen and being happy that they loved each other.

JaneEyre70 · 21/01/2018 09:16

We had a chubb bolt on the top of our bedroom door, so no one could lock themselves in accidentally and it wasn't obvious on the door if we kept the key out of it. No blushes for anyone .

therealposieparker · 21/01/2018 09:18

No!! Four DCs here and have continued a healthy enjoyable and frequent sex life humble brag.

Butteredparsn1ps · 21/01/2018 09:23

I can concur with posters upthread who point out it’s worse with teenagers, and I would also add young adults. For some reason despite their own bedroom activities, they still can’t work out why DH and I might shut our door at times...

Snowballeww · 21/01/2018 09:29

I also have teens 17, 15 and yes it's much worse now - in fact whether due to the fact we are ourselves a bit older and the fact we know they would hear every little creak it's meant we are now averaging sex about once every 4 months and then it's a quickie very early morning.
Sad really as the more we go without the more we don't seem to be missing it...

wineusuallyhelps · 21/01/2018 09:33

As they get older it just gets worse...and is one of the reasons we are thinking of converting our garage to a bedroom

It's not just about sex - there's no privacy as they listen to our (quiet) conversations when they should be asleep! Not that I would swap them for the world, but...annoying!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 21/01/2018 09:37

As a prospective/hopeful parent (I'm pregnant) I have a question about this that has been troubling me! What do parents of smallish children do about sex on holiday? I remember sharing a hotel room with my parents until I was maybe 10-ish, or even a little older? Obviously you're not going to stick little ones in their own room, so do you just accept that you have no holiday sex (that's the best sex!) for a decade-plus?!

ludog · 21/01/2018 09:38

I once got a text at 1 am telling us to keep the noise down ...bloody teenagers!

BiglyBadgers · 21/01/2018 09:39

When dd was little and s terrible sleeper DH and I did occasionally book a day off work together while she was at nursery just to lie about in bed and have sex.

I find the horror on this thread about the fact your children might know you have sex bizarre. My parents had sex and I knew it. I remember waking in on them when very little and, as I had the bedroom nextdoor, occasionally heard the bed creaking as I got older. I learnt that sex is part of a loving relationship between adults and they my parents needed their private time together, so I should not just walk into their room when the door is closed. I was never traumatized by it. Why would I be?

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