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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when do they see their children?

162 replies

user1495362060 · 20/01/2018 20:26

I am currently working in STEM subject in academia but have to decide about a future career path. One of the possibilities is to work in finance.

I recently got a proposal for a relatively high paying job there. The hours however are 9-19 every day. I gather it isn’t even considered that long for this industry!

For various reasons I am not going to take this offer, however this makes me wonder...how do parents work at this kind of jobs? If I were to take it I would not see my kids except maybe for a few minutes at breakfast and as they go to bed. surely it cannot be a normal situation? If you work at a job with a salary which allows you to live in London with the kids, what are your hours?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/01/2018 00:24

Always good idea to run from pta types😉
When our kids go to uni, there won’t be a score for your mums pta participation
My friend who’s a secondary teacher tells me pta is not so prominent in high school

Originalfoogirl · 21/01/2018 00:24

It probably really does matter to your kids, actually. My mother thought like you. It didn’t go well and I’d much rather have missed out on ‘stuff’ and actually had a parent turn up to a school event occasionally.

On the other hand, my mum never turned up and I couldn’t give a crap. The “stuff” we would have missed out on if she had spent time in a draughty hall to watch 100 Kids murder “o’ come o’ ye faithful” instead of at work was food, heat, housing etc. It never occurred to me to be upset about it.

The amount of things we are invited to school for is insane. There is something pretty much every month. Our girl well understands we just can’t go to everything. Especially as often we only get a few days’ notice.

Yellowmellow66 · 21/01/2018 00:26

@Originalfoogirl why don't you just get a car?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/01/2018 00:29

I had a single parent mum,she didn’t have luxury of chosing to attend school events
Seeing she was working, filling the fridge,paying rent and all that.and we knew that
Wasn’t an issue that our mum wasn’t there,no lingering resentment or malaise
So no I don’t believe my loved,held in regard,physically and emotionally nourished kids are missing out

Biglettuce · 21/01/2018 00:44

My Ex worked 8.30 - 7.30pm every day. He considered himself a great father as he put our child to bed each night. Only time he saw him, 20 minutes.

He’s my Ex as I know he chose to have money and status over co parenting with me as a team. The money was useless and I was stressed out constantly from spending all day on my own without a break.

willsa · 21/01/2018 00:57

I had a single parent full time working mother who had no luxury of being at school events because she was filling our fridge at that time. However, it doesn't mean I didn't wish it to be different... I did want her to be there, I did want her to be at home so I can tell her about my day ( instead she would be home late, ask me about my day and then visibly trail off in tiredness as I was answering - I never felt heard ). No resentment, sure, it was what it was. It was OK, a necessity.
Had there been two working parents always absent and a materially too comfortable a life, I'd be questioning that choice to this day.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/01/2018 01:02

In your scenario the parent is emotionally absent and tired. We are neither
So no direct comparison can be drawn of two v different situations
By all means relate you experience but don’t seek to include me in comparison or conclusion

ChocolateDoll · 21/01/2018 08:39

What happened to the OP?!? Confused

KERALA1 · 21/01/2018 08:45

Lipstick i don't think a poster recounting her own childhood experience is attacking you personally!

Tarraleah · 21/01/2018 08:55

LipstickHandbagCoffee
What is your problem? You sound as full of drama and unpleasantness as the PTA-type Hmm
you describe. Does it really make you feel better about yourself to come up with so much crap about other people?

I am not PTA (no time and I am doing other things out of work), but even I can tell that my local PTA have jobs for a start.
Will your kids refuse to use the furniture and equipment they have paid for? Will you refuse for your kids to go to the after schools activities, the excursions and everything the PTA is either organising or paying for?

I doubt it. It's strange you feel the need to look down at them if you are so happy with your career.

KERALA1 · 21/01/2018 09:06

Some of the "pta" types at our school have big professional jobs meetings in the evening. Can we drop the snidey stereotypes on both sides please Hmm

GhostsToMonsoon · 21/01/2018 09:10

I know a lawyer at a City firm who regularly works something like 9am-10pm on weekdays. I presume that if he had kids he would only see them at the weekends.

falcon5 · 21/01/2018 09:14

I run my own business have to travel for work multiple countries etc I have flexibility when here but with a lot of hours and sometimes I'm just not in the country. I am incredibly grateful to my DH that he contributes to our family by being a SAHD because without him doing that I would not be able to do what I do where I do it and our son have an available parent around. I would be quite irritated by someone querying what his contribution was. We also know we are really lucky to be able to have one of us at home and that's not an option for many people. Most people are trying to do the best they can do in their particular circumstances and there are a lot of different ways to contribute.

Steakandchips3 · 21/01/2018 09:28

It sounds awful. I would hate to not see dcs for most of the week.

AhhhhThatsBass · 21/01/2018 09:36

I’m in finance. I work 8-6 five days a week and frequently travel abroad for work. My husband works in same industry 6.30 am - 5 pm with not as much travel. He sees our DC for an hour in the evening and I see DC for 30 mins in morning and 30 mins in evening during the week.
It’s tough. The upside is that the dc avail of opportunities that many children don’t, numerous trips abroad annually and an education worthy of a royal, shall we say. The dc are happy, contended and loved. If I thought the DC were suffering in any way, I might change things. That said, I don’t love working 5 days a week or the frequent trips abroad, but in finance, flexible working is rare. We make the most of weekends. I hope it’s enough for the DC.

juddyrockingcloggs · 21/01/2018 09:51

I think there is a lot of 'my way is the best' on threads such as these.

One size doesn't fit all and that's okay.

Some people hold their jobs/careers (which they have worked their whole adult lives towards) in high regard and that's important to them and their children are no less loved, cared for or have less attention than other children - it's just different dynamics in their family life.

Others don't work and actively throw themselves into home life, being a 'physical presence' at all times for their kids, getting involved with school etc and that's great too.

I work because I have to, the lifestyle we live dictates that I have to and we don't want to give up those things, I drop my child off at school every morning and pick him up on Mondays and Fridays as I finish early those days - the other 3 pick ups are by grandparents (very lucky I know). It's important to me to be able to do that. Of course we would be able to live on
My husbands wage but for me personally, I don't want to place the burden of being the only breadwinner solely onto his shoulders and we enjoy the lifestyle that my wage affords us. I wouldn't have a job that meant I wouldn't see my son in a morning or in an evening but those are my standards and don't apply to other parents!

The fact is that we are all different, what's important to one isn't to others and I can't stand parents bashing other parents - providing a child is looked after and loved then how they achieve that doesn't affect me whatsoever. We might not be able to understand others ways but it's not our job to!

starzig · 21/01/2018 09:56

For many people the job comes first. They are usually the breadwinner and the OH does childcare. This is a lot of the reason for the gender pay gap. A lot of women withnchildrrn just wouldn't choose this.

starzig · 21/01/2018 10:04

Well said Juddy.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 21/01/2018 10:10

DH works long hours in finance. His contract only states 9-5 but ( as did mine when I worked in the same organisation) but the reality is that if you only worked your contracted hours you wouldn't last five minutes.

He starts at 8:30 most days but often earlier if an early meeting has been scheduled. He won't be home before 8pm unless I need him home for a specific reason ( this has to be booked into his diary) He is often out with clients until midnight or working to close deals at 3am.

This is why I am a SAHM.

DH's female colleagues ( very much in the minority) have full time Nannies and partners who work in similarly highly paid roles. His male colleagues either have a SAH wife or a wife who works in a highly paid role and a Nanny. I have no idea when either of them see their kids but they obviously manage it. The company is flexible about allowing the odd day working from home and does try to encourage a bit of balance but it isn't easy.

DH is a great Dad but only sees the kids for about 30 mins to an hour a day during the week. He makes up for it at weekends.

The kids struggled with this when they were younger but now at 12 and 9 they get that Dad has to do what he has to do.

Bratsandtwats · 21/01/2018 10:15

HCP here and I work shifts that include 8:00-21:00. It's not 5 days a week though.

raindropsandsunshine · 21/01/2018 10:33

I am ever so lucky, I am able to work a pt job which I enjoy and can keep in school hours. My husband had a job that often keeps him out later (between 6-9 depending). His favourite hobby is coming home and winding up the youngest just as I have him settled for bed.Hmm

Seriously though, I am very fortunate and appreciate it daily. However our luxuries are less luxurious than others may have, but more than many many others have. It works for us.

WhiteWalkersWife · 21/01/2018 10:37

We both work full time. I earn more and it was considered if i could go part time but its not an option and i have to weigh up the long term as i work in a company thats great for my career in progression and childcare in terms of some flexibility and good maternity pay. The latter of which im hoping to take again. For me i love my job but always wondered about being a sahp too. However i couldnt cut it no way. Couldnt work with kids either. My mental health sadly nosedived on mat leave.

Dp would like to go part time but his job is competetive so no options until hes a higher grade in the future. Little WWW loves nursery so i feel a tinge of guilt and miss him a bit some days, as does dp but this works very well for us. We are very lucky as if little WWW hated nursery or was upset at all j would feel awful.

WhiteWalkersWife · 21/01/2018 10:38

Oh but i dont live in london.

remaincalm · 21/01/2018 10:38

My DH works in finance in the city. Leaves home before 6am and is usually back by 9pm. At least a couple of nights he is back very late. I'm at home with the children and they see him at the weekend. Not an ideal situation but I realise that I'm very lucky to be able to be a SAHM.

user1494149444 · 21/01/2018 10:41

It's hard to stay in a City finance job past a certain age - around 30 - unless you are a workaholic.
The problem is, workaholics ultimately make things worse for everyone else - the normal people - as their managers see them putting in these hours, and start assuming everybody else has the capacity to do so.
All those hours, sitting at a desk, not seeing your kids, all to the end of blowing up the economy again.
The sooner financial services become a smaller part of our economy, the better.