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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder when do they see their children?

162 replies

user1495362060 · 20/01/2018 20:26

I am currently working in STEM subject in academia but have to decide about a future career path. One of the possibilities is to work in finance.

I recently got a proposal for a relatively high paying job there. The hours however are 9-19 every day. I gather it isn’t even considered that long for this industry!

For various reasons I am not going to take this offer, however this makes me wonder...how do parents work at this kind of jobs? If I were to take it I would not see my kids except maybe for a few minutes at breakfast and as they go to bed. surely it cannot be a normal situation? If you work at a job with a salary which allows you to live in London with the kids, what are your hours?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/01/2018 23:22

I have a job were the contact hours count,and are v much productive
In addition to my own work I oversee and can get involved in colleagues work
If it’s complex I’m asked to contribute, and I happily do
For me,there is no wasted or down time.im not clock watching til I go home

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/01/2018 23:30

No, Melanie it only matters to you and the head tilt brigade.who think I should be there.
I once had a pta mum tell me my kids cried all day cause I was absent
Fortunately my mate was there filmed event on iPad,my happy,giggly dc, no tears.none
Why did the other mum lie?no idea.but she openly has an agenda about working mums
But well that's her issue.not mine
But you know what people expect to turn up at retail,food,leisure and it to be open early,close late
Expect 24-7 public service ,nhs,social care,police
These are services are staffed by parents. And they aren’t all (head tilt) at school gate or sport day

SunnyCoco · 20/01/2018 23:32

My DH has a job with long hours (I think he’d be delighted with 9am - 7pm!)
As previous posters have said I think it’s easier if one of you is a SAHP (which I am)
He sees our DC about 10mins in the morning before he leaves for work during weekdays, and then at weekends.
Yes it’s really hard but we need to pay the bills

k2p2k2tog · 20/01/2018 23:32

DH is nominally in work 9-5, but because of traffic and commute he leaves the house around 7am and is home usually between 6.30pm and 7pm. On average one night a week he's not home at all. Next week he'll leave home on Monday morning and come home on Thursday, and next month he's overseas for a week.

He hardly ever works weekends though - I think he's been in the office on a Saturday twice in the 10 years he's been in the job. So we have loads of family time at the weekends, and if he's had a particuarly tough week travelling he works at home on a Friday.

This is why I'm freelance, and work at home.

MelanieSmooter · 20/01/2018 23:33

Hmm You are far too defensive for someone who’s so confident in their own view tbh.

Let’s see when your DC are grown what they actually felt about never having a parent show up to the events they enjoyed, eh?

Jux · 20/01/2018 23:34

I used to work in a very large venue in London, and in our department the basic shift was 8am until midnight, though of course we had to stay until we were finished, which was usually waaay past midnight. More like 2 or 3am. I'm relieved I had no dh or children back then.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/01/2018 23:38

What’s the Hmmface for?cause I don’t crumple and say oh you’re sooo right
Of course I’m vehemently going to defend my position,I’d expect you to also
But no I refuse to have mum guilt or think of the children angst
No one ever has these conversations with men. No man ever asked to justify career

Saltandsauce · 20/01/2018 23:38

My husband works crazy hours, and really only sees the kids on a Sunday 😩
He leaves between 4-5am and sometimes isn’t home til the back of 9pm, 6 days a week! It’s tough and he’s pissed off with doing it, but it means we have a nice house, car, and I’m able to be at home for the kids.
Hopefully it won’t be forever and something will come up in the near future that’ll work out best for everyone

Gladiola44 · 20/01/2018 23:39

If the men work a shorter day, that means they’ll be home and their nonworking partners can work too.

My husband is a high earner and works 6 hour days but he doesn’t expect me to work, why should he?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/01/2018 23:41

Can you work if he can reduce his hours salt&sauce?
If his work schedule is solely on him can he reduce and you step up

pallisers · 20/01/2018 23:41

I'm not sure where I stand on this.

On the one hand, I completely disagree with lipstick. Children do care whether you are at their performances, sports days etc. I'm also a bit bemused as every high-flyer I know goes to those events and always did. I've had dinosaurs from the 60s/70s whose wives reared their children single handedly while they soared in their careers say "but I never missed a recital or play or game that mattered". And they didn't. Can't imagine how important or all-consuming Lipstick's job is that she can't get away to see the school play for an hour.

But I agree that generally children don't care if you are a member of the PTA, manning the bake sale, at the school gate.

My husband and I work with and socialise with many people where both parents have maintained high-powered careers in law or medicine or finance. Their children's care and activities were "outsourced" a lot to very good nannies etc. but those parents were very invested in their children and now as we approach having older teen/early 20s children, I don't see a difference.

I chose to cut back a bit so I could spend time with my kids. Maybe they appreciate it. Not sure. In some ways I think the benefit was to me - I got those memories and times with my kids.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/01/2018 23:43

So no notion of sharing the salary earning,letting dh step back then Gladi

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/01/2018 23:47

Palliser no one has ever asked my dp will you be attending sport day?
But folk ask me.Notably a maternal absence is seen as a significant misdemeanour
And my dp does go to the sport day etc.ipad,iphone and he’s contactable

Gladiola44 · 20/01/2018 23:55

So no notion of sharing the salary earning,letting dh step back then Gladi

No, why would he need to step back when he’s not working long hours? He enjoys his job, office near to home, works from home every week. You do come across as saying if you’re not working long hours you are not contributing Lipstick.

pallisers · 20/01/2018 23:56

Palliser no one has ever asked my dp will you be attending sport day?

Well no one has asked me whether I will be attending sport day (or halloween parade or spring picnic or whatever). Literally no one ever. And if they did and I said no, I doubt they'd have cared. Well if I said "no because I am going to give evidence before I congressional committee about whatever" they'd have thought I was brilliant and talked about me as such.

I don't notice who does or doesn't turn up either. Well that is untrue. I did notice when my children were in public/state school that the children of parents who worked jobs in retail etc were less likely to show up for school plays during school day. Obviously this is because if you are a lawyer and say "will be out for an hour on Tuesday - school play don't you know" everyone thinks you are great. If you are a retail worker who says "can't work Tuesday morning because my child is in a school play" you are probably fired.

Where I live, it is expected of both men and women that they will attend significant events in their children's school lives. But then where I live everyone is on a race to send their children to the best university they can achieve so they are highly invested in every single event.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/01/2018 23:57

So what’s your contribution then gladi if your dh works,pays for everything

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/01/2018 00:03

There’s probably no correlation between parental attendance at sport day and children educational attainment and uni destination
I’m not on a best uni race. You see that really is keeping up with Joneses
Big bonus of not being at school gate is I don’t have those competitive convos
In due course The best uni, will be the one the dc chose that suits their emotional and intellectual abilities
It won’t be a competitive whos going where,it’ll be their thing to immerse selves in
I’m an adult I’ve been to uni.i don’t need to race

KERALA1 · 21/01/2018 00:03

People really aren't that interested in what you are doing most v self absorbed. Struggle to believe anyone commenting either way.

I had a crazy hour job (city corporate law) routinely home around 9pm. Didn't go back after had a baby now work for myself less money but earning. I sometimes feel guilty about not going back so you can't win. I chose to be around more for selfish reasons - I wanted to be - so don't feel superior in any way.

NoMudNoLotus · 21/01/2018 00:03

@LipstickHandbagCoffee lucky you.

You are obviously one of the extreme minority because having having spent the last 20 years of my working life on and off talking to dying people i have never once come across someone , who when reflecting upon their life ( which is what happens when people know they are dying ) talks about their pride in their career.

It is almost always that they wished they had worked less and spent more time with loved ones.

I am grateful and honoured to have been part of these conversations because it has shaped my own work life balance and a true sense of what is important.

The only ones who will really know whether we get it right in the meantime are our children.

KERALA1 · 21/01/2018 00:07

Yes. It's not for us to judge our own parenting decisions sadly - verdict purely our children's when they are adults.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/01/2018 00:07

I won’t regret working when I’m reflecting back.no I won’t
And I’ve been fortunate to have encountered adults who also not regretted working

KERALA1 · 21/01/2018 00:11

Happily never come across anyone irl rude / thick enough to comment either way. Such a personal decision. And a feminist issue if men not asked how they will balance things post baby.

MsJuniper · 21/01/2018 00:14

I am CEO of a small charity and work 9.30-5.30 for 3 days, 9.30-2.30 one day and 9.30-7.30 one day. I also work various hrs in the evenings and weekends (evening mtgs or wfh) but this routine means I can drop DS off every morning, collect him one day a week and be there for most bedtimes. I've been able to start late on occasion if there's a morning event at the school and have even taken a long lunch to attend the Christmas concert.

It is a juggling act and I am looking forward to being on maternity leave soon but I am glad to have held a senior role and still been able to do as much school stuff as I have. Mainly that is down to working locally (same area of London) and supportive staff. One very nice thing that happened recently was a colleague saying she thought I set a good example by working flexibly and placing equal importance on home rather than pretending it didn't exist. That meant a huge amount to me.

Yvest · 21/01/2018 00:16

I don’t work those hours but I can assure you that I’m the one running a hundred miles from the PTA and dread the day when someone notices I’m one of the few parents not to have been class rep and tries to force me into it. I’m a good mum but school involvement, no way. I’ll make a bit of small talk for the 2 minutes twice a week I’m in the playground but that’s it

Originalfoogirl · 21/01/2018 00:17

I am always puzzled by all the posters who claim to have tea with their children every day of the week

My last job worked that way for me. Hours were 8.30 ti 5. I had tea with my girl every night. Then worked a couple of hours at night if needs be. It was definitely a full time job.

It doesn’t work in my new job purely because of the commute. I could still do it if I didn’t have to rely on public transport.