AIBU ...to be annoyed with MIL's demands as a guest

[heardashot]

The ILs are staying. This morning MIL came in to interfere help with breakfast and declared that FIL would not eat grilled bacon, it had to be fried. All my bacon was under the grill. I had to fish some out and fry it.

Next, cups of tea. MIL makes tea by putting a teabag in milk (ewwwww) and then adding hot water. I must admit that I never do this unless she is stood over me and she has never complained, so I doubt she can even tell the difference. But if she spots me, she tells me how to make her tea.

I was brought up to say thank you if someone gives you a present or something to eat or drink, and never complain about it. If you are out and paying for food and there is something wrong, then have a word yes.

I get buying something that your guests like and you don't have in, FIL likes white bread for example so I got some, but aibu to think that when someone offers you a bacon sandwich or cup of tea, that beyond "no sugar thanks" it is rude for you instruct them how to prepare it? Is is really that difficult to eat a grilled bacon sandwich rather than a fried one?

(They have never ever in my presence complained about a cup of tea when we have been out somewhere.)

Sorry not RTFT, it'll just remind me of MIL for the past 20 years and I really don't need that right now. My MIL is a by proxy drama llama as well. Always expects and gets her own way, now training everybody up to do as her GD wants, or more precisely what MIL says GD wants. Your OH probably is in deep F(ear)O(bligation)G(uilt). Individually her behaviour can easily be dismissed. Trying to repeat all that she's done makes me sound bonkers, but when your OH is sliding towards intensive care and the hospital is getting desperate, only you know that MIL is not staying in your house to help, she's only in your house so that she can martyr herself to her friends and make your life hell. It only finished when the Doctor must have twigged and phoned and asks to speak to MIL, turns out OH was never allergic to penicillin, MIL had made that up. That wasn't what sent me into depression and a panic attack last year, I'm not even going to repeat that, would make me sound ungrateful. Bollocks to it all.

OP never take bacon out of the grill again. I tried so hard to keep her happy, she didn't even notice. I paid the price.

As you can see from my username, I bloody love tea, but only if it's made the way that I like it! Really strong with a teaspoon of milk (builder's tea). I'm very fussy as I only drink tea or water.

The way your mil likes it sounds awful to me, but I always like to make things how people like it themselves, whether that be toast, tea, etc, so I will always ask and do my best to make it the way that they like it.

It actually drives me mad when I ask someone how the like their tea/coffee, etc, and they reply with "However it comes!" It gives me the rage!

The bacon thing was a bit off considering that you were already cooking it. Tbh, I would've handled that 1 of 2 ways:
Either, a cheery "Well, I'll remember that for next time but it's too late now as its almost done and I don't have any more!"
Or: "Well, there's the pan, the bacon's already half done, but crack on!"

My mum and sister like their tea so milky I'm not sure why they bother with the teabag, so when I'm there I will ask to make it myself as they just can't get to grips with how strong I like it. If it's someone I know, I will often say could you let me sort the milk out and just leave the tea bag in (or leave the pot to brew longer). That's if I know I won't like it their way.

At a stranger's house, I'd ask for really strong builder's tea with a dash of milk. If it came out differently, I might try a sip to be polite, but I most likely wouldn't be able to drink it. I wouldn't say anything though.

Also, I think with family/friends I'm more comfortable, so I would ask for something exactly how I like it and I'd hope/expect them to do the same with me.

Oh dear. DH hosting his parents? Aren't you a couple? I thought part of having guests was making them comfortable and meeting their needs. I think MIL is being a bit overbearing, but is in a 'mothering' rolel. Would it hurt to make her tea the way she likes it..? Would it have hurt to nip into the living room to ask FIL if he really minded how his bacon was cooked and do some separately if he asked. Having guests does bring about some inconvenience. When my mother visited, which was only about once a year. She sat in one place, didn't even go to the toilet without asking and never complained to me but complained bitterly to my father about anything she didn't like, real or imagined. Anything that could easily be fixed, he told me about, anything else he never mentioned or told me and we giggled about it. When a DIL came to visit, she arrived with a long list of what she could/would eat and not eat and there were one or two things that she asked to be cooked in a particular way. I just took it as part of having her visit.

@Hippydippydoo

It's putting milk in a cup first before taking the teabag out! I could understand if she was asking for coconut milk and organic tea bags and expecting OP to provide this out of their own pocket but in this case it literally makes no difference whatsoever.

Ok - I live myself, so don't use a teapot - just make fresh mug(s) as required : tea-bag into mug/add boiling water/leave to infuse for about 5 minutes, as I like tea quite strong/remove tea-bag/add slightly heaped spoonful of dried milk - much fresher than with ordinary milk.
Don't care what shape my bacon sandwich is! Discovered recently my daughter/son-in-law did the triangle/rectangle thing.
What I really want to know, is what was available for adding to said sandwiches -
Tomato sauce
Tomato ketchup
Brown sauce
Brown ketchup
Mustard
Chutney
Going back for more salty popcorn

tenderden has nailed it this:

* All my bacon was under the grill. I had to fish some out and fry it.

No you didn't. This is where you are going wrong. I would have said "Oh goody, more for me then."

Either tell her you don't like people in the kitchen with you when you are cooking, or let her do it all.*

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey

"Tomato ketchup" and "brown sauce" (HP) available. Only DH had any (HP). Nobody wanted butter (I asked) and the bacon was unsmoked ("Jolly Hog").

About this triangle/rectangle thing.

Which bit do you put in your mouth first if it is a rectangle? A corner?

heardashot oh yes, OP, and this:

If DH were making my mum a bacon sandwich and fried it (which he wouldn't, but let's pretend) I think she wouldn't say a word. Would just thank him and eat it and, if she didn't like it, remember and say no thank you next time.

YANBU

Hmmm I'm a little on the fence with this one.

I don't think it's rude to ask for something how you'd like it, particularly if you're at a relative or close friend's house - but it's the way you ask that makes it rude or not in my opinion.

If your MIL had said to you prior to you starting breakfast 'Would you mind making my tea with the milk in the cup first, and FIL really prefers fried bacon to grilled - I don't want to put you out though so happy to make it for him if you're grilling everything else' - then it would be completely acceptable.

Coming in halfway through and bossing you around and demanding you change things is pretty rude though.

I also think that you should feel perfectly entitled to ask for tea to be made how you like it when you go there - as long as you're polite and friendly about it then there's no problem and MIL should be happy to accommodate as she knows she expects things a certain way.

The tea request in itself is reasonable I think - it’s just nice to have that as you like it & doesn’t take a lot of effort. With part of DH’s family they all drink black tea & never manage to make me tea how I like it so I go back to their kitchen & add more milk etc but it is just nice to get a cuppa how you like it.
The bacon thing though was to me rather rude of your MIL since you had already started & would take some effort to re-do.How old is your MIL? Does she criticise other things you do?
My guess is that MIL just likes things a certain way & feels comfortable in your home without realising how it comes across to you.
My DF became more set in his ways as he got older & I found it very frustrating as he would hover over me in the kitchen. To him I think he just liked things a certain way &/or was setting his daughter straight on how things should be done. He would stay for weeks at a time so to avoid being driven bats I would think ahead to what would be flashpoints & try & avoid them.

I think the tea thing is easily solved by using a teapot (my preference anyway).

She sounds just like my MIL. I find her incredibly rude for just the same reasons. I just take a deep breath. I get annoyed but I can’t change her. I’m just grateful her son taught himself better manners.

Oooh, bertrand, I have to admit that I'm fussy about what the tea is served in too (If there's a choice).

I don't like those big, wide coffee cups as the tea gets cold too quickly and I like my tea almost scalding hot, but I can't drink too much, too quickly without feeling sick.

I also believe tea should be served in a mug or cup that is white inside. Bear with me and ill explain why:

If a cup/mug has a coloured interior the tea tastes different and I don't like it .

The my science behind this is that because the interior of the mug is dark people won't brew the tea for as long as they would with a white coloured interior as it already looks dark/strong. Also, they won't add the same amount of milk for similar reasons.

Honestly, I'm not crazy, lol, I'm just passionate about tea !!

So, I think YABU about the tea, but YANBU about the bacon as you were already cooking it. I wouldn't cook bacon in a different way for different people in the same seating as that's a faff, but I would ask if they like it crispy or not and whether or not they would like the fat removed.

Focusing on the important stuff ... I was told by my A level chemistry teacher that milk should go in tea before the boiling water because, that way round, the milk warms up comparatively slowly and has the right taste for tea.

Whereas if you add milk to boiling water it will be scolded and taste bitter. That apparently is fine for coffee but tastes bad in tea.

GertrudeBelle But did he tell you as a guest in your home when you had made it "wrong", or just in passing?!

"You naughty milk, you should not have done that"

Scolded like that?

"You naughty milk, you should not have done that"

Scolded like that?

GertrudeBelle But did he tell you as a guest in your home when you had made it "wrong", or just in passing?!