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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH rude to my DM

111 replies

TeaAndToast85 · 19/01/2018 18:57

Not an AIBU, more of a WWYD. I was FaceTiming my DM earlier as she was in mothercare, and wanted to show me a Moses basket. She suggested that she might buy it for us, and a cot too, which is really generous. (I am 26 weeks pregnant).

She asked if my DH was there, so I flipped the screen around so he could give her a wave, and he just sat there, PlayStation controller in hand, and stared at my phone. Said nothing, didn't live, just stared. My DB was in the room too, and looked really uncomfortable. I flipped the camera around to see my DM's face looking really hurt and confused, and it really upset me. I said something like 'someone's in a funny mood' to try to laugh it off, but it didn't work.

To avoid a drip feed, my DH has really not been himself recently, and has started seeing a counsellor. I think he basically has depression, but refuses to acknowledge it. He is functioning OK at work, but then comes home and is withdrawn and irritable. I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but he is shrugging off every effort that I make. I have had issues with depression in the past and want the support him like he has supported me, but we are very different people in that regard - he just wants to be left alone and can't bear any fuss.

I am upset that he was so rude to my mum, and is now making out that he didn't do anything wrong, and that I am making a big fuss of nothing. It's possible that I did go a bit OTT with my reaction, as I am pretty hormonal at the moment, and have generally been feeling quite unsupported recently. BUT I also feel guilty because I know he is really struggling with his mental health, and I should probably just cut him some slack.

WWYD?

OP posts:
TeaAndToast85 · 19/01/2018 18:58

*wave, not live

OP posts:
Marcine · 19/01/2018 19:01

I'd be pretty annoyed at someone suddenly pointing a camera at me - that was pretty rude too?

JediStoleMyBike · 19/01/2018 19:01

Did you tell him you'd flipped the camera, suggest he wave or whatever? If it were me I would have sat there like a lemon and waited for my nod to wave or speak.
Unless I have misunderstood and you turned the whole phone to face him?

justmatureenough2bdad · 19/01/2018 19:05

i think there are a quite a few people who dislike having the camera turned on them with some unspecified expectation of wjat to do/say.

maybe it was a crucial bit of game? not ideal, but frustrating to be expected to stop evryrhing to "wave"

also you say "she asjed if he was there"... maybe he just thpught you were showing her... and wasnt required to do anything

and then.. maybe he is feeling oppressed by your family... ur db sitting there "looking uncomfortable", you puttig him on the spot, your mother wanting to know where he is and your fussing about whether he is being rude when he is just trying to relax and zone out of everything for a bit...

just one perspective mind...

Partypopper123 · 19/01/2018 19:05

If you know he's struggling I don't think you can be annoyed by this. I hate being on face time, I much prefer the telephone. I find it hard work and intrusive - also I have bitchy resting face so it's quite possible you could think I'm scowling when I'm not.

TeaAndToast85 · 19/01/2018 19:05

Yeah, he could hear her say 'is DH there?' And I said 'hang on, I'll just flip the camera so you can see him' and then mouthed 'just give her a wave' at DH. I don't think I was asking too much from him, really? Confused

OP posts:
TrinitySquirrel · 19/01/2018 19:06

A lot of men go like that when their wife/gf/whoever is pregnant. It's a lot for them to get their head around. He needs to sort it out now though otherwise after the birth you're both in for a shock.

SlipperShock · 19/01/2018 19:07

On a usual evening when I'm not going out or expecting visitors, I get into my comfies and look a right slob. I'd be annoyed with DP if he put me on FaceTime looking like that. It's intruding! Luckily my DP knows this and I'll shout hi or go to the camera if I look decent.

ThisLittleKitty · 19/01/2018 19:07

I would do nothing. He didn't do anything wrong. Your mum being "hurt" is a major overreaction. Struggling to see the big deal.

TeaAndToast85 · 19/01/2018 19:07

@Partypopper123 to be honest I hate face time as well, but I would never just stare into the camera and make someone feel uncomfortable like that.

OP posts:
Marcine · 19/01/2018 19:07

I think it is a bit intrusive to turn a camera on someone and demand they "perform".

Taylor22 · 19/01/2018 19:08

I'd be pretty pissed at you as well. You could've just said Yea he says hi.

Marcine · 19/01/2018 19:09

Did you apologise for makmg him feel uncomfortable?

Guavaf1sh · 19/01/2018 19:09

I have to say i don’t like unexpected FaceTime encounters either

JamPasty · 19/01/2018 19:09

Um, he's not been himself, he's depressed - you need to really cut him some slack. You shouldn't really have put him in this position to begin with knowing he's unwell.

Nicknacky · 19/01/2018 19:10

Why did she need to see him?

What do you mean when you say you went OTT in your reaction?

I think you are being unreasonable especially when you say yourself your h is having a hard time right now.

Friedgreen · 19/01/2018 19:12

You should have told your mum that he said hi. Depressed people don’t always react normally - you could have protected him better by not springing the surprise on him.

Tistheseason17 · 19/01/2018 19:13

What @JamPasty says. Poor fella

HonkyWonkWoman · 19/01/2018 19:14

Leave him alone! I find that scenario all a bit weird.

Not your Dm asking if Dh was there, but the flipping of the camera and asking him to wave. Like a performing Seal, or something!
You should have just said that he was there and carried on talking to her.

RadioGaGoo · 19/01/2018 19:14

I knew this would be a 'poor DH' response. Wouldn't have killed him to wave.

Nikephorus · 19/01/2018 19:15

I think it is a bit intrusive to turn a camera on someone and demand they "perform".
Um, he's not been himself, he's depressed - you need to really cut him some slack.
Both these ^^. He's not a performing seal, he's a person with depression.

Bumbumtaloo · 19/01/2018 19:16

Sorry I’m another who think YWBU.

I would be really pissed off if my DH did that to me whilst talking to MIL - I love my MIL and am very lucky to have her in my life but really wouldn’t be impressed by unexpected FaceTime.

TeaAndToast85 · 19/01/2018 19:18

@SlipperShock I would be too, but we were round DB's house and he was fairly presentable

OP posts:
MissDuke · 19/01/2018 19:18

Sorry op but I think you were both in the wrong here! I would hate to suddenly be put on camera too - there really was no need!

Idontdowindows · 19/01/2018 19:19

I'm with your husband as far as this is concerned. But then I don't do videochats to start with. I would hate to be put on the spot and have to perform just because someone else was having a videochat.

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