Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DH rude to my DM

111 replies

TeaAndToast85 · 19/01/2018 18:57

Not an AIBU, more of a WWYD. I was FaceTiming my DM earlier as she was in mothercare, and wanted to show me a Moses basket. She suggested that she might buy it for us, and a cot too, which is really generous. (I am 26 weeks pregnant).

She asked if my DH was there, so I flipped the screen around so he could give her a wave, and he just sat there, PlayStation controller in hand, and stared at my phone. Said nothing, didn't live, just stared. My DB was in the room too, and looked really uncomfortable. I flipped the camera around to see my DM's face looking really hurt and confused, and it really upset me. I said something like 'someone's in a funny mood' to try to laugh it off, but it didn't work.

To avoid a drip feed, my DH has really not been himself recently, and has started seeing a counsellor. I think he basically has depression, but refuses to acknowledge it. He is functioning OK at work, but then comes home and is withdrawn and irritable. I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but he is shrugging off every effort that I make. I have had issues with depression in the past and want the support him like he has supported me, but we are very different people in that regard - he just wants to be left alone and can't bear any fuss.

I am upset that he was so rude to my mum, and is now making out that he didn't do anything wrong, and that I am making a big fuss of nothing. It's possible that I did go a bit OTT with my reaction, as I am pretty hormonal at the moment, and have generally been feeling quite unsupported recently. BUT I also feel guilty because I know he is really struggling with his mental health, and I should probably just cut him some slack.

WWYD?

OP posts:

badass80 · 19/01/2018 19:51

I wouldn’t over think it. My DH dislikes face time etc he’s just private and introverted. Not in a bad way. It’s just his nature.

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/01/2018 20:02

@notasunnybunny I completely agree.

My son never hears the conversation in the room when he is on it. I literally have to shout his name over and over.

OP, I think you were both a little bad mannered. Make up and forget this small stuff.

pictish · 19/01/2018 20:02

I would hate to have someone impulsively turn the focus on me on facetime like that but I'd still make a fist of waving and saying hello out of politeness. Afterwards I'd say, "Can you not put the camera on me like that...I hate it."

So yes, ywbu to make him facetime with your mum who was in Mothercare with a Moses basket (fucking annoying) but he was also lacking in manners not to make nice in the moment.

Yw both bu.

Hullygully · 19/01/2018 20:06

Even if he didn't like the camera being turned to him, a normal reaction would have been a quick wave, smile and hello. Because not doing so IS unpleasant to the person on the other end. He could have said to you later that he would prefer you not to do that and saved your dm's feelings.

Hullygully · 19/01/2018 20:06

haha crossed with pictish

user7680 · 19/01/2018 20:07

I’d be pissed off too ‘h’ usually just gives me the phone when he’s talking to his mother I absolutely hate she’s not my mother why should I be forced to speak to her?? Controlling behaviour

NoFucksImAQueen · 19/01/2018 20:10

What is with these responses! Yanbu op. Jesus

WhitePhantom · 19/01/2018 20:21

NoFucks I agree completely!

A mother FTs her pg daughter to show her something and that's "annoying"; a wife assumes her DH won't mind saying a quick Hi to his MIL and that's "putting him on the spot" and "expecting him to perform"; his lack of manners causes upset and discomfort and that's everyone overreacting.

Parallel universe here!!

Gladiola44 · 19/01/2018 20:29

I think your DH was very rude and no wonder you are upset. He should be more respectful and polite to your mum. Acting like that would be rude to anyone, but to your mum it is doubly unacceptable.

Julie8008 · 19/01/2018 20:29

to be honest I hate face time as well, but I would never just stare into the camera and make someone feel uncomfortable like that

But that is exactly what you did, you forced him onto face time and made him feel uncomfortable, then you prioritised your mothers feelings over his. I would have felt the same.

Its unreasonable to point a live camera at someone without their permission (when they are in the middle of something), expect them to perform for you and then tell them its their fault when they dont. And that doesn't even factor in his 'depression' which makes it even worse.

I think an apology is required.

ThisLittleKitty · 19/01/2018 20:32

You cried because he didn't wAve to your mum? There are bigger issues clearly.

midnightmisssuki · 19/01/2018 20:32

mumsnet is a bit weird today. FWIW OP - i would have expected my husband to say a quick hello/hi/wave. His MIL is looking at buying something for his child and maybe wanted some opinion. Yes - not everyone likes FT but really - a hello/hi would have killed him? Im probably going to be accused of knowing nothing about mental health etc but i think YANBU (IMO) but agree that you could be extra hormonal as well. Try to clear the air and have a healthy and happy rest of pregnancy - good luck!

Mummadeeze · 19/01/2018 20:33

I think he was rude and could have said hello. How much is that to ask? Even if he has depression. My partner sometimes gets me to say hello to his family on Facebook who can't speak English and I don't like it but I wave briefly to be polite. I don't agree with everyone on here but I do agree that it is best to move on now as you have said to him you thought it was rude and there is no point making a huge deal out of it.

xoguineas · 19/01/2018 20:34

Yanbu to be a bit upset/confused. My bf and I constantly turn the phone to each other when face-timing family and I would be a bit upset if he blanked my relative as would he if I done the same!

Definitely not worth having a fall out or anything over it though, especially with the everything else that has been going on, so although I can understand being upset, I would just let it pass

Tistheseason17 · 19/01/2018 21:07

Thanks for the updates @TeaAndToast85
It now sounds more like a simple breakdown in communication between you both that escalated. Good idea with the cuppa!

Slowtrain2dawn · 19/01/2018 21:25

Sorry OP, just seen he is having counselling. Hope it helps and you can enjoy the pregnancy together.

ferntwist · 19/01/2018 21:30

He should have smiled or said hi or waved, it would have been polite and respectful to your DM. Can’t believe all the posters here turning on you! There are some anti-social ladies on here sometimes.

Scarydinosaurs · 19/01/2018 21:35

What reason did he give for not saying hello?

If you do this a lot as a family, how does he normally react?

Graphista · 19/01/2018 21:37

"but we were round DB's house and he was fairly presentable" not the point, you put him on the spot and are now giving him a hard time for not responding as you wanted?

"It wasn't a major game, he was just mucking about and not playing properly" again not the point. Even if I'm watching fluff on tv I'd likely not be aware of the content of a conversation I'm NOT involved in.

"Waiting until the car later" so as soon as it was just the 2 of you.
" I just went upstairs to try and talk to him and he's not having any of it" this comes over as you pestering about a very minor incident.

"Is this weird?" Yes, I don't know anyone who does this.

You did overreact - hormones not well meh, your family sound very demanding and intrusive.

You also don't really sound very supportive of him regarding the depression, I get the impression you're expecting him to "snap out of it". He HAS acknowledged it or he wouldn't be going to counselling, that he doesn't want fussed over/pestered is also allowed, "a month or so" is not long at all - when you say "issues with depression" were you diagnosed or are you talking about periods of life during which you were very sad? Because it's not the same.

"He is functioning OK at work, but then comes home and is withdrawn and irritable." He's putting his energy into work to avoid getting sacked when you're about to have another mouth to feed! Energy (inc mental) is finite.

I wonder when you say withdrawn and irritable when he comes home are you and your family expecting him to be sociable as soon as he's in the door? What's his job, is he dealing with customers? Lots of interaction? He may be "talked out".

Not wanting to take meds - Also allowed that's his choice. I'm on various meds for my own mh issues, ad's are one (but not ssri's as they actually make me worse) and 2 separate anxiety meds. The ad's I take regularly as that's how they work but I only take the anti-anxiety when I'm really bad, even the weaker one because I don't like the side effects I get. There's actually a lot of people don't agree with meds for mh issues especially depression and especially early after diagnosis. In addition he may be not wanting to take meds just now so you (both of you) don't have to deal with him having severe side effects, may be worried (wrongly but people think this) that they'll make him drowsy when you might need him, or that they'll be addictive (another common misconception).

"He got angry with you for just saying that?" Depends how it was said

I suspect the divide in responses here is between introverts and extroverts.

But good manners starts with empathy, understanding everyone does NOT feel/think/react the same way. And as has been said already when someone has mh issues their reactions can be unusual too. He's got "hormones" going on too - a lack of them - your emotions are being affected by an over abundance. Honestly cut him some a lot more slack.

BewareOfDragons · 19/01/2018 21:42

I would have been very cross if my DH had done that to me with his mother on the phone. Really cross.

Luckily he knows better.

Dazedandconfuzzled · 19/01/2018 22:02

You put him on the spot, now of course it would be polite to say hi but often if my dh is on the phone to his mum I kinda zone out as the conversation doesn't involve me so if I had the phone thrust upon me I would probably look baffled.
I get that you are pregnant and hormones are everywhere but if he is suffering from depression then his mind is everywhere as well. You can't expect him to be back to 'normal' after just a month of counselling.
Chalk it up to a bad day but maybe have a conversation about how you can help him get through this.
Also FaceTime from public places gives me the rage but that's my issue.

JamPasty · 19/01/2018 22:37

Or maybe there are some of us who have some sympathy for the husband with depression, and who know that something as simple as smiling and waving can actually be a massive deal for someone coping with mental health issues and thus they need to be allowed a bit of leeway

Graphista · 19/01/2018 22:50

What jam said

Plus what I said - I very much get the feeling op more of an extrovert and dh an introvert.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/01/2018 23:18

It sounds like crossed wires over what each other is comfortable with doing at the moment, rather than a major issue.

My exh often found my family overwhelming, though I wouldn’t say we’re a ‘in each other’s pockets’ sort of family, just fairly close and so didn’t always interact quite “right” with them, could be very quiet/awkward because he came from a very different sort of family. He didn’t mean anything by it, it was genuinely just a bit much for him sometimes (this was not one of the reasons the relationship ended btw).

0hCrepe · 19/01/2018 23:38

Our DM’s FaceTime and we would definitely flip it round to say hi. If it took him by surprise though maybe he was a bit dumbstruck. I doubt he intended to be rude. What has he said about it?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.