DH rude to my DM

[TeaAndToast85]

Not an AIBU, more of a WWYD. I was FaceTiming my DM earlier as she was in mothercare, and wanted to show me a Moses basket. She suggested that she might buy it for us, and a cot too, which is really generous. (I am 26 weeks pregnant).

She asked if my DH was there, so I flipped the screen around so he could give her a wave, and he just sat there, PlayStation controller in hand, and stared at my phone. Said nothing, didn't live, just stared. My DB was in the room too, and looked really uncomfortable. I flipped the camera around to see my DM's face looking really hurt and confused, and it really upset me. I said something like 'someone's in a funny mood' to try to laugh it off, but it didn't work.

To avoid a drip feed, my DH has really not been himself recently, and has started seeing a counsellor. I think he basically has depression, but refuses to acknowledge it. He is functioning OK at work, but then comes home and is withdrawn and irritable. I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but he is shrugging off every effort that I make. I have had issues with depression in the past and want the support him like he has supported me, but we are very different people in that regard - he just wants to be left alone and can't bear any fuss.

I am upset that he was so rude to my mum, and is now making out that he didn't do anything wrong, and that I am making a big fuss of nothing. It's possible that I did go a bit OTT with my reaction, as I am pretty hormonal at the moment, and have generally been feeling quite unsupported recently. BUT I also feel guilty because I know he is really struggling with his mental health, and I should probably just cut him some slack.

WWYD?

If I was mucking about on my phone / ps / insert other random thing. I wouldn’t be listening to the conversation someone else was having on the phone / FT. I wouldn’t then want someone turning the camera onto me, I doubt he heard you saying ‘I’ll just flip the camera round’ and was then confused about you telling him to wave at your phone. He also couldn’t see her as the screen was pointing to you!

I think you are over reacting, but we all do that sometimes

I have had depression. If my dh did this to me even without depression, I’d be upset. If I were depressed, I probably would have acted the same way. Real life isn’t like something out of the movies, where everyone waves to “mom” and is nauseatingly false.

I know pregnancy is tough emotionally. However, I think you are going to have to face facts it’s only been a month and he’s likely to get worse before he gets better. Counselling will be throwing up a lot of stuff.

I think you need to cut both of you some slack.

This really wouldn’t upset me. This is the Dh’s MIL, as he could hear she was offering to pay for some items for the baby which is kind, he should of been polite and atleast said hello.I think he was rude. I’ve dealt with depression a lot in the past and this wouldn’t have upset me but I guess other people feel differently. I don’t think the OP’s Mum sounds needy at all, she was just showing her daughter a Moses basket for her opinion plus making general chat asking if her Dh was there, as it’s polite to say hello.

Can't believe these responses! He was very rude and I totally understand why you were upset and embarrassed.

It would have taken no effort to just wave then talk to you privately later if he didn't like having the camera in his face. Especially since your mum was on the phone offering to buy you things for the baby!

I'm married to a man with depression. It's like a rollercoaster. Sometimes it's downright soul crushing, other times it's just hovers in the distance waiting to return. It's never not there.
I do everything to be the perfect wife, and our son is gorgeous and happy. But he has times where literally everything is "what's the point?"
So to your DP, who is suffering with every day tasks, something as simple as waving at your Mom, he probably literally could not give a shit about. It's not him, it's the depression, and even you say it's out of character.
It's hard, I don't want to make it about me, but living with someone with depression is hard, and it is something an uphill battle. And it us a journey with us and downs, at least he's getting the help he needs, which means he is addressing the problem. So his actions there show that he wants to sort this out for you and your baby. Try concentrating on that when difficult days come about. He is trying.

Lots of these responses have been really helpful, thanks everyone. I feel like I have a bit more perspective after a nights sleep. @MsHopey, thanks for your response, that made a lot of sense. X

He could just waved to be polite OP, that’s not too much to ask. If he’s struggling at the moment though he might not be reacting as usual.

Some people love FaceTime and use it a lot, in public, instead of texting etc. My mum and SIL are like this. I HATE it. I find it intrusive and embarrassing. We all see each other weekly, do they really need to stick a camera in my face when I’m cooking dinner, dealing with DS or, on one notable occasion, my mum was waiting outside the loo for me to say hello to my aunt while I was doing a poo.

So bear in mind some people find video calling intrusive and annoying! It’s the same with people popping over unannounced, I am definitely not one of those people either, Im very private!

Hmmmmm it sounds like my DH when I was pregnant with our first and my mum would take herself off into mothercare and start buying stuff. Maybe it's something he wants you two to do together?

You haven't mentioned what his childhood was like, but MH issues can begin when dc are born or when dc reach the age that an incident occurred in the parents life. Knowing your going to be looking after a child when you were not cared for properly yourself or there was something that happened to the person with MH issues can instill gnawing deep fear.

He may or may not be able to acknowledge yet what is at the root of his depression.

Peanutbutter - yes I've experienced that. I had a rotten childhood, becoming a mum although much wanted was also terrifying. I also felt very anxious and low when dd was approaching ages certain things happened.

Re "op's mum isn't that bad" that's a subjective relative thing surely. We don't know what the dh and his mil's relationship is like. What we do know is that op says the family ft a lot, mil seems to have taken it upon herself to buy large items for the baby without asking first, op's reaction to her mums reaction while possibly influenced by hormones suggests that op may be a little too deferential to mum.

How many threads on here where it's the woman's mil that's done this and reacted like this and the DIL has felt put on the spot and uncomfortable have had posters say "well that's not on she should have checked with you and dh first not just tipped up to mothercare and started buying stuff" "your dh sounds a bit too close/in awe of his mum" "she shouldn't expect you to just switch it on like that".

Works both ways.

@TeaAndToast85
Glad it helps.
My husband struggles to get help and it had been hard. We've been together 8 years. At one point he tried to leave me, years later he admitted he wanted to kill himself and wanted to make sure I could cope on my own before he did it.
Thankfully we made our way through it, but it's been terrible at times. And also it's never been quite that bad again.
I wish he would get more help for it but he says the drugs don't work and he doesn't like talking about it. Good luck.